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17 year old seems to have some type of narcissism disorder and has gone off the rails. Wants to come and go as she pleases without boundaries and has started hanging out with strangers outside her normal circle. She's had no traumatic experience and has had a very normal upbringing and family life. She acknowledges she has no empathy and simply doesn't care. Impossible to reason with her since everything comes back to "I don't care". Her grades and school attendance have tanked over the last year. No apparent drug issues other than alcohol, but even that seems modest. We have never seen her noticeably "drunk". We are not very strict parents and have done everything possible for her. What can one do when they're so close to 18 and tell you they're going to leave home as soon as they turn 18? I feel like we will never see or hear from her again. It's incredibly sad.
If anyone knew the answer and "the cure," they would be the smartest person on the planet. Getting teenagers to make good decisions is next to impossible.
If anyone knew the answer and "the cure," they would be the smartest person on the planet. Getting teenagers to make good decisions is next to impossible.
I assume parents need to steer children who eventually become teens in the right direction, arm them with a moral compass, and let their ship steam on. The outcomes are beyond control at a certain point. At 17 I wanted nothing but to get to undergrad (130 miles from where I grew up) as soon as practicable. Then, leave the state as I found it incredibly banal even at that tender age. My parents were not fond of either position, but that's how it went. And I was resourceful enough to make it pan out long-term.
My dad especially had a certain level of control, then knew when to let me find my own way. I admired that wisdom by my 30s, seeing the benefits once I'd obtained a little wisdom of my own.
Can't help OP and the heartache, unf. My bestie's daughter married a bum c. 2015, we knew he was a bum, and seven years later he did his darnedest to prove it. Successfully, unfortunately, and they're now divorced. Bestie could not steer daughter from this unwise decision at 20-21, so learned to live with the outcomes. That he did not get a vote in said outcomes, and now lives with some of the ramifications ("single mom" drama) is another one of life's challenges we cannot control.
Daughter is always on the edge of being estranged from bestie for reasons I'll never either know much less understand, so I'm only supportive in the sense of "you did the best you could when she was a child and teen to inculcate good values, and she made her choices!"
I assume parents need to steer children who eventually become teens in the right direction, arm them with a moral compass, and let their ship steam on. The outcomes are beyond control at a certain point. At 17 I wanted nothing but to get to undergrad (130 miles from where I grew up) as soon as practicable. Then, leave the state as I found it incredibly banal even at that tender age. My parents were not fond of either position, but that's how it went. And I was resourceful enough to make it pan out long-term.
My dad especially had a certain level of control, then knew when to let me find my own way. I admired that wisdom by my 30s, seeing the benefits once I'd obtained a little wisdom of my own.
Can't help OP and the heartache, unf. My bestie's daughter married a bum c. 2015, we knew he was a bum, and seven years later he did his darnedest to prove it. Successfully, unfortunately, and they're now divorced. Bestie could not steer daughter from this unwise decision at 20-21, so learned to live with the outcomes. That he did not get a vote in said outcomes, and now lives with some of the ramifications ("single mom" drama) is another one of life's challenges we cannot control.
Daughter is always on the edge of being estranged from bestie for reasons I'll never either know much less understand, so I'm only supportive in the sense of "you did the best you could when she was a child and teen to inculcate good values, and she made her choices!"
Well said, I can't disagree. My daughter went through a trying phase as a teen and is now doing great but she had us very worried.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flamadiddle
What can one do when they're so close to 18 and tell you they're going to leave home as soon as they turn 18? I feel like we will never see or hear from her again. It's incredibly sad.
There's absolutely nothing you can do if she's truly a narcissist. She will make your life a living Hell if you even try. The best thing you can do is let her leave at 18 and find out just how hard it is to make it in the world. Do NOT give her any kind of financial support at all, and make sure she understands she is making the decision to leave your nest of support. With support comes boundaries, and she is refusing to play by the rules.
Narcissism is the most insidious personality disorder anyone can imagine. She will wreck your life without one thought to the contrary. Best to sever connections and start to heal when and if she leaves. On a side note, her threatening to leave my very well be a scare tactic and an attempt at extreme manipulation.
“Going no-contact is the best option when several areas of your life are being destroyed by maintaining your relationship with this person. This may be your physical health, emotional or mental health, financial health, spiritual health, or social health,” says Cummin.
There are several ways you can scale back on communication or eliminate contact with a narcissistic parent or relative. Working a plan with a mental health professional can help you come up with safe tactics.
My daughter went through a trying phase as a teen and is now doing great but she had us very worried.
By my senior year, my mother told the school to quit calling her when I skipped out. "If she fails, she fails, there's nothing I can do about it."
And she was right. I just wanted to get out of school and go do my own thing. I had a job at Winn-Dixie working at least 7 hours a night after school, and I was promised more hours if I went full-time. I could afford an apartment with two other roommates.
OP, would she agree to getting evaluated? If her grades have tanked and she doesn't care about anything, I wonder if she's depressed. You could present the psych eval option as checking the possibility of depression, without mentioning that a personality disorder eval would be part of it.
Serious mental health issues can suddenly crop up in the 17-21 age-range, roughly. I've seen that in college dorms; parents drop off a happy, seemingly well-adjusted kid at the dorms for the beginning of their freshman year, then some time later, it's like a hidden time bomb goes off, and the student needs to be hospitalized. These are mysterious cases that defy explanation. Your daughter may not be in that severe category, but clearly something's going on.
She stated herself, that she has no empathy. That's an indication. She may agree to an evaluation simply out of curiosity, to learn more about her own symptoms, like that lack of empathy.
Can you think of any statements or behaviors she displayed at a younger age (middle school, say, or earlier) that might now in hindsight be seen as precursors to the present situation?
I'd be inclined to do whatever possible for her while she's still under 18 and in your custody. Good luck, and please let us know how things develop.
17 year old seems to have some type of narcissism disorder and has gone off the rails. ... It's incredibly sad.
Yes, it is sad. I didn't read the other comments here, maybe someone already mentioned what I'll suggest here.
- Does she have a healthy diet? Fresh fruits and veggies, home made meals, limited sugar, real foods etc.
- Is she on the phone/screens a lot daily, during the night, most of the time, all the time? How many hours/day?
- How about exercise, spending time outside in nature/sun (levels of vitamin D)? 10 min a day? None?
- How much time do you (as parents) spend daily with her, eating, talking, shopping, cleaning, listening to her, talking to her, one day trip/vacation, doing things with her?
etc.
You (the parents) have to do all of the above as an example for her. She'll do what you do, not what you tell her to do (but you are not doing it). Maybe you are already doing it, I don't know.
Just don't lose hope, don't give up on her. Stay close, make the necessary changes. Do what you can.
Wishing you strength and patience.
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