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This sounds like just a basic parenting clash. I don't think either of you are wrong or right, just very different ideas of parenting.
IMO nothing wrong with correcting behaviour in your home. My children are expected to respect and listen to their aunt (my sister) just as they would me. And if she is being disrespected, she has full reign to deal with it (assuming I am not there). They are old enough to respect the rules of your home. Maybe it's worth sitting down and discussing house rules.
I agree with this. But. I also am going to assume by your post that you think you are amazing parents, much superior to the vast majority of other parents, and I'm guessing this comes across when you deal with your brother and probably other parents too. So while you have the absolute right to make rules in your own household and no child should be speaking to adults that way, I would recommend toning down the "holier than thou" stuff. I'm also going to make a prediction that your next baby will give you a run for your money cause fate is good like that.
OK ummm I should have put in my original post that I in NO WAY think my parenting choice is superior to anyone else's. For all I know my kids will turn out damaged and horribly behaving adults. You never know. However, at least I do not inflict my "babied" daughter and all her toys on my brother. We always stay in a hotel. My brother insists on staying with us, and to avoid conflict I go along.
The way I look at this is, would you want someone who has an attitude, is arrogant, is rude, is self-entitled, and is a know-it-all in your house? Would you invite someone like that to your house? I myself would not. But that is exactly what we have when those 2 kids come over, through no choice of our own.
So all I am asking is, what is the appropriate response from my husband to this behavior? My response has been to ignore them, although to be frank they are getting worse and worse (my patience is less and less), and also I do not want my daughter asking me to watch R-rated movies and talking back and having an attitude with me....
Hi guys. My husband and I we have a daughter, aged 7 and a baby on the way. I will tell you right now that our daugter still co-sleeps with us and is babied/coddled by us. She is not allowed to watch any TV and spends time on computers only at school. In other words, she is a 7 year old that still talks like a little girl, doesn't mouth off, says please and thank you, and plays with toys all day long (when not at school). She would rather play with a toy or play outdoors than watch TV or use devices any day of the week.
My brother has 2 kids, aged 7 and 10. His kids have been raised the opposite, like adults, from day one. They know all the latest TV shows and movies, they spend hours a day on the computer, they say things like "I already know that you don't have to tell me" and are generally obnoxious kids who act like they are 16 or 17 years old. They sulk when they don't get what they want, they go around saying "I'm bored" unless they are on the computer, they barely go outside, etc.
The last time my brother, his wife and his kids came to visit (they live an hour away and visit several times a year) my husband barely spoke to the kids b/c he "can't stand those arrogant, know-it-all kids" and how my brother doesn't correct them. I guess what my husband considers rude, my brother and his wife think is "cool" b/c the kids speak like near-adults. They can have conversations with adults about pop culture and the news b/c these kids are exposed to all of it (in contrast, my daughter doesn't even know what an "app" is). These kids are very verbally advanced and say things like "the food you make is disgusting" (to me). One day when I was watching an episode of Breaking Bad the 7 year old girl barges in to my bedroom and says, "Breaking Bad is soooooo OVER", etc.
My questions are:
1. Is my husband being unreasonable with his intolerance of my brother's kids?
2. Is there a compromise solution to this problem?
3. I feel bad about this b/c I love my brother and I want to spend time with him but the way he is raising his kids is something I don't agree with and quite frankly I don't want my kids exposed to. What is appropriate here?
4. Is it appropriate for me to correct these kids when they come stay with us?
1. Yes.
2. No
3. IF it's really that important to you, you will be unable to spend time with your brother and his family.
4. About what? Knowing pop culture?
If you see them just a few times a year, I would just try to keep the peace. If your husband barely speaks to the kids, let it be. You can't force him to be jovial and social in light of the situation. The alternative is worse---he could explode and cause a huge rift between you and your brother. If he is going through the motions of being a good host, sometimes that is the best you can do. What would you rather him do?
I would speak up if a kid was outright disrespectful to me, destroying something in the house, or harming your daughter. If the kids are just generally bratty and too worldly for their own good, not much you can do about it.
Have you spoken with your brother or his wife about the situation?
Although I have not had to face a similar situation with children in my home I sometimes have to face disrespectful or rude children as a substitute teacher. I have the same type phrase as "my home, my rules". "In my classroom we speak respectfully to adults and classmates" or "In my classroom we do not tease our friends (hit our friends, be mean to our friends, or whatever)".
I would suggest speaking to your brother and say that you love him and enjoy his visits but there have been a few problems that you want to discuss. Give specific examples such as "I felt hurt when I made dinner and Johnny told me that 'the food was disgusting and he wouldn't eat it'."
and "My daughter came to me upset when Joey called her 'a stupid baby' because she didn't know the words to the pop song 'You are a nasty *****'."
and I had to finish a presentation for work last night and Johnny grabbed my lap top computer away from me so that he could play videogames. When I insisted that he return my computer he threw the computer to the floor and called me an idiot.
Maybe if your brother truly listens to the things that his children are doing or saying he may take action. OTOH if they treat their aunt & cousin that way they probably treat others the same way. Your brother may just "tune out" anything negative that their teachers, principal or his friends or relatives say about his children. So be prepared for your brother to blame you.
PS Suggest/insist that your brother and family stay at a hotel next time because of the new baby.
OK ummm I should have put in my original post that I in NO WAY think my parenting choice is superior to anyone else's. For all I know my kids will turn out damaged and horribly behaving adults. You never know. However, at least I do not inflict my "babied" daughter and all her toys on my brother. We always stay in a hotel. My brother insists on staying with us, and to avoid conflict I go along.
The way I look at this is, would you want someone who has an attitude, is arrogant, is rude, is self-entitled, and is a know-it-all in your house? Would you invite someone like that to your house? I myself would not. But that is exactly what we have when those 2 kids come over, through no choice of our own.
So all I am asking is, what is the appropriate response from my husband to this behavior? My response has been to ignore them, although to be frank they are getting worse and worse (my patience is less and less), and also I do not want my daughter asking me to watch R-rated movies and talking back and having an attitude with me....
Well, they aren't psychic. If you don't want them staying there, then tell them. Otherwise, don't say yes when you mean no, and then get resentful about it. The problem here is not asserting your boundaries.
Not letting your children watch TV or use computers doesn't make you a better parent.....and maybe your brother is typing a post on another board that talks about how his sister coddles her daughter and doesn't allow her to grow up and act like a 7 year old??
OK ummm I should have put in my original post that I in NO WAY think my parenting choice is superior to anyone else's. ....
Yeah...your words and tone indicate otherwise though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mictrit
The way I look at this is, would you want someone who has an attitude, is arrogant, is rude, is self-entitled, and is a know-it-all in your house? Would you invite someone like that to your house? I myself would not. But that is exactly what we have when those 2 kids come over, through no choice of our own.
So all I am asking is, what is the appropriate response from my husband to this behavior? My response has been to ignore them, although to be frank they are getting worse and worse (my patience is less and less), and also I do not want my daughter asking me to watch R-rated movies and talking back and having an attitude with me....
1. You do have a choice. You could insist that your brother and his family stay elsewhere or you could cut ties. Is that the relationship you want though?
So...if you CHOOSE to have a relationship with your brother, it includes his children. You don't just get to ignore them as if they don't exist. You tolerate what you can, discuss what you can't tolerate with your brother, and if he doesn't deal with outright rudeness, then you are certainly within your rights to calmly and politely tell the nieces/nephews that you don't appreciate that kind of talk or tone (or whatever). In other words, be the grown up.
OK ummm I should have put in my original post that I in NO WAY think my parenting choice is superior to anyone else's. For all I know my kids will turn out damaged and horribly behaving adults. You never know. However, at least I do not inflict my "babied" daughter and all her toys on my brother. We always stay in a hotel. My brother insists on staying with us, and to avoid conflict I go along.
The way I look at this is, would you want someone who has an attitude, is arrogant, is rude, is self-entitled, and is a know-it-all in your house? Would you invite someone like that to your house? I myself would not. But that is exactly what we have when those 2 kids come over, through no choice of our own.
So all I am asking is, what is the appropriate response from my husband to this behavior? My response has been to ignore them, although to be frank they are getting worse and worse (my patience is less and less), and also I do not want my daughter asking me to watch R-rated movies and talking back and having an attitude with me....
And yet you invite your brother (and wife) in. Those kids are merely reflections of their parents.
It's your house, you don't have to let them stay there. The first time you say no is a challenge, but it gets easier every single time after that.
Second, if they do stay with you, you just lay down the law from the beginning. Tell the kids, "These are the rules in my house. No name calling, you knock on the bedroom door and wait until I tell you to come in, if you don't like my food, don't eat it but don't tell me it's disgusting, etc." and whatever else you want to add. Tell the kids in front of their parents.
My kids are 8 and 11 and both have tablets and use the computer every day (they go to school on it). They watch the news and can discuss current events and pop culture and the latest apps. My 11 year old has an attitude sometimes. But when we go out in public or to someone's house, they remember their manners. It is possible to raise kids who are familiar with the technology they will need in life and still teach them to be polite.
OK ummm I should have put in my original post that I in NO WAY think my parenting choice is superior to anyone else's. For all I know my kids will turn out damaged and horribly behaving adults. You never know. However, at least I do not inflict my "babied" daughter and all her toys on my brother. We always stay in a hotel. My brother insists on staying with us, and to avoid conflict I go along.
The way I look at this is, would you want someone who has an attitude, is arrogant, is rude, is self-entitled, and is a know-it-all in your house? Would you invite someone like that to your house? I myself would not. But that is exactly what we have when those 2 kids come over, through no choice of our own.
So all I am asking is, what is the appropriate response from my husband to this behavior? My response has been to ignore them, although to be frank they are getting worse and worse (my patience is less and less), and also I do not want my daughter asking me to watch R-rated movies and talking back and having an attitude with me....
Well there is your problem. You can't keep avoiding the issue, getting angrier and angrier after every visit, and hope the problem goes away without ever talking to your brother about it.
Have you suggested they stay in a hotel? If you have and your brother insists on staying with you anyway, then that is rude. If you've never brought it up and assume that because you stay in a hotel they should just know they should, well, they aren't mind readers.
You can't just tell your husband to suck it up if he doesn't want to - but the responsibility falls on YOUR shoulders to talk to your brother. Otherwise, don't have them over any longer. Plan getting together in neutral places so that everyone is in a hotel. Or you just go visit them.
Even without having some big conversation with my brother, I'd have no problem telling a child they were rude if they insulted food I had made, or barged into my bedroom.
The appropriate response from your husband, is to keep doing what he is doing if that keeps him from having a huge blow up at some point. The appropriate response from you is to not keep putting your husband in that position - talk to your brother.
And for the record, I agree with the others regarding how you are coming across in your posts about sounding like the superior parent in your parenting style. Maybe that is how you are coming across in life as well and you just don't recognize it. Something to think about.
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