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Hi guys. My husband and I we have a daughter, aged 7 and a baby on the way. I will tell you right now that our daugter still co-sleeps with us and is babied/coddled by us. She is not allowed to watch any TV and spends time on computers only at school. In other words, she is a 7 year old that still talks like a little girl, doesn't mouth off, says please and thank you, and plays with toys all day long (when not at school). She would rather play with a toy or play outdoors than watch TV or use devices any day of the week.
My brother has 2 kids, aged 7 and 10. His kids have been raised the opposite, like adults, from day one. They know all the latest ADULT-THEMED TV shows and movies, they spend hours a day on the computer, they say things like "I already know that you don't have to tell me" and are generally obnoxious kids who act like they are 16 or 17 years old. They do not like to play, they like to be involved in all the adult activities and conversations b/c they think they are adults and that is how their parents treat them. They sulk when they don't get what they want, they go around saying "I'm bored" unless they are on the computer, they barely go outside, etc.
The last time my brother, his wife and his kids came to visit (they live an hour away and visit several times a year) my husband barely spoke to the kids b/c he "can't stand those arrogant, know-it-all kids" and how my brother doesn't correct them. I guess what my husband considers rude, my brother and his wife think is "cool" b/c the kids speak like near-adults. They can have conversations with adults about pop culture and the news b/c these kids are exposed to all of it (in contrast, my daughter doesn't even know what an "app" is). These kids are very verbally advanced and say things like "the food you make is disgusting" (to me). One day when I was watching an episode of Breaking Bad the 7 year old girl barges in to my bedroom and says, "Breaking Bad is soooooo OVER", etc.
My questions are:
1. Is my husband being unreasonable with his intolerance of my brother's kids?
2. Is there a compromise solution to this problem?
3. I feel bad about this b/c I love my brother and I want to spend time with him but the way he is raising his kids is something I don't agree with and quite frankly I don't want my kids exposed to. What is appropriate here?
4. Is it appropriate for me to correct the rude and arrogant behavior of these kids when they come stay with us?
There seems to be a fair amount of prejudice on the part of you and your husband I'm afraid.
And news flash....neither your daughter or her cousins will come away unscathed by their parents choices in parenting.
The best you can do at this point is to accept and respect the differences in parenting "styles" and try to look for opportunities to just love and encourage one another.
You and your husband get that the kids are not really adults, but your husband needs to also get that it's time for him to act like one and embrace them lovingly. After all, it's not their fault that they are being raised the way they are. Just like it's not your daughters fault she is still being treated like a baby. You wouldn't want them to hold that against her would you?
If you see them just a few times a year, I would just try to keep the peace. If your husband barely speaks to the kids, let it be. You can't force him to be jovial and social in light of the situation. The alternative is worse---he could explode and cause a huge rift between you and your brother. If he is going through the motions of being a good host, sometimes that is the best you can do. What would you rather him do? Is he being mean and nasty or just aloof?
I would speak up if a kid was outright disrespectful to me, destroying something in the house, or harming your daughter. If the kids are just generally bratty and too worldly for their own good, not much you can do about it. I do agree with the sentiments expressed by lovesMountains. Different parenting styles and who knows, your brother and SIL may be thinking things about your daughter. I know that I was after reading your post I'm sorry to admit.
Have you spoken with your brother or his wife about the situation?
The kids are smart mouths because nobody ever tells them (forcibly) not to be. Not because of their entertainment choice. They are just not receiving directing telling them that being smartmouthed is rude and unacceptable.
I do not think your husband is being unreasonable. It is rude, and under his own roof he should expect people to not be rude guests.
Not much of a compromise if you want to have them over. The kids are not respectful, and in the occasional visit.
I think you need to stress to your daughter that it is unacceptable behavior and that she is not to repeat it. Your daughter may try to adopt some of it, and you will just have to be consistent with reinforcing it as inappropriate. You are her authority figure, she will be ok.
Yes and no. You can reiterate the "rules" of your house to them. However, without your brother's buy-in, they are not likely to show much respect to your authority. If it gets too bad, you may end up having to open your house less.
(Not sure what your daughter sleeping with you has to do with it... and also not sure why she would be at 7 years old... but thats probably something for a different thread).
Honestly, there's nothing "verbally advanced" about being supremely rude.
Since you want to continue to socialize with your brother, talk to your brother about how rude these kids are and tell him that he needs to reign in the kids by teaching them manners and boundaries. But of course, your brother could either be too sensitive or clueless, at which point you'll have to decide whether it's worth it. Any correction will be mostly lost on these kids that pretty much the only option your husband can utilize toward the kids is dismissive indifference.
This sounds like just a basic parenting clash. I don't think either of you are wrong or right, just very different ideas of parenting.
IMO nothing wrong with correcting behaviour in your home. My children are expected to respect and listen to their aunt (my sister) just as they would me. And if she is being disrespected, she has full reign to deal with it (assuming I am not there). They are old enough to respect the rules of your home. Maybe it's worth sitting down and discussing house rules.
I have run into my share of kids who prefer to insinuate themselves in adult conversations rather than play. Fortunately, they weren't relatives, so I was able to disengage and resort to limiting my time with the parents. I understand your husband's dislike for the kids.
Since they are related though, and you don't want to sever ties, I would tolerate anything that wasn't outright rude. Life has a way of eventually dealing with know-it-alls. Outright rudeness ( calling your food disgusting), I would not stay quiet about. I see nothing wrong with speaking up in that case.
Your daughter won't succumb to their attitude if you calmly nip in the bud any attempt to do so.
Hi guys. My husband and I we have a daughter, aged 7 and a baby on the way. I will tell you right now that our daugter still co-sleeps with us and is babied/coddled by us.
There is a middle way, you know
She is not allowed to watch any TV and spends time on computers only at school. In other words, she is a 7 year old that still talks like a little girl, doesn't mouth off, says please and thank you, and plays with toys all day long (when not at school). She would rather play with a toy or play outdoors than watch TV or use devices any day of the week.
This is a bit restrictive, but not totally bad. I do think you could lighten up and allow some tv and computer time. She will eventually be doing school work on the computer. I know that our school has websites they recommend with games for the kids to play that help them learn (especially with math) My grandchildren watch science shows and PBS mostly.
My brother has 2 kids, aged 7 and 10. His kids have been raised the opposite, like adults, from day one.
How is allowing tv, movies and computers treating them like adults?
They know all the latest TV shows and movies, they spend hours a day on the computer, they say things like "I already know that you don't have to tell me" and are generally obnoxious kids who act like they are 16 or 17 years old. They sulk when they don't get what they want, they go around saying "I'm bored" unless they are on the computer, they barely go outside, etc.
The last time my brother, his wife and his kids came to visit (they live an hour away and visit several times a year) my husband barely spoke to the kids b/c he "can't stand those arrogant, know-it-all kids" and how my brother doesn't correct them. I guess what my husband considers rude, my brother and his wife think is "cool" b/c the kids speak like near-adults. They can have conversations with adults about pop culture and the news b/c these kids are exposed to all of it (in contrast, my daughter doesn't even know what an "app" is). These kids are very verbally advanced and say things like "the food you make is disgusting" (to me). One day when I was watching an episode of Breaking Bad the 7 year old girl barges in to my bedroom and says, "Breaking Bad is soooooo OVER", etc.
My questions are:
1. Is my husband being unreasonable with his intolerance of my brother's kids?
2. Is there a compromise solution to this problem?
3. I feel bad about this b/c I love my brother and I want to spend time with him but the way he is raising his kids is something I don't agree with and quite frankly I don't want my kids exposed to. What is appropriate here?
4. Is it appropriate for me to correct these kids when they come stay with us?
1. Your husband should not be intolerant of these kids. He might be intolerant of their parents though.
2. There should be a compromise, but it means talking to your brother and sil and actually having some kind of conversation about what it is that you do not want your child exposed to
3. I would say that you do not have to have adult conversations with them and that you should not accept their rudeness. They need to be taught to be polite (even adults should be polite when they are guests in your home. I would not accept a child barging into an adult bedroom or telling me that the dinner is disgusting (even if they don't like the food).
4. Yes, it is appropriate for you to correct them when they are in your home, howeve, you really need to have a discussion with your brother about how to do this.
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