My young adult children smoking/drinking too much :(

[djsuperfly]

Originally Posted by springfieldva

So basically you think that the gold standard of parenting should be having teens/20 somethings living under your roof, driving around your car that you pay insurance on while the kids...uhhh, adults....are spending their own money on pot, alcohol and other fun stuff and their idea of responsibility is sleeping overnight at their friends' houses if they are too wasted to drive home safely.

If my kids were basically spending their days getting drunk and high, I would have no problem pulling the funding for their college and taking away their (actually MY) car.

Well, there really is no "gold standard of parenting" for adult-aged kids because the days of "parenting" are over.

[springfieldva]

Originally Posted by djsuperfly

Well, there really is no "gold standard of parenting" for adult-aged kids because the days of "parenting" are over.

It's more a matter of you not enabling your young adult children to drink and drug. The Op is concerned that her kids are drinking and smoking too much. She is not obligated to enable that behavior. In fact, she would be wise to not enable it.

[southernbelle2]

These adults are 18 and 20 so I say let them do what they want as long as you aren't funding it. Charge them rent and make them get jobs to pay for their college and expenses. If you do that, I'm sure they will have less time to drink and drug.

[skysthelimit89]

Originally Posted by springfieldva

So basically you think that the gold standard of parenting should be having teens/20 somethings living under your roof, driving around your car that you pay insurance on while the kids...uhhh, adults....are spending their own money on pot, alcohol and other fun stuff and their idea of responsibility is sleeping overnight at their friends' houses if they are too wasted to drive home safely.

If my kids were basically spending their days getting drunk and high, I would have no problem pulling the funding for their college and taking away their (actually MY) car.

If they’re working a job and going to college and demonstrate responsible drinking then what’s the problem? That’s literally what most adults do anyways. We work, take care of what we need to and enjoy ourselves in our downtime. If you’re 18-21 your “job” is to either go to work, college, vocational school or something entrepreneurial because merely getting a high school education isn’t cutting it. So if they’re 18 and 20 and they’re fulfilling the duties people their age should be fulfilling then why does it matter how they spend their down time?

It’s not like the OP came on here and said they’re missing class everyday or their grades were terrible, she never said their rooms were nasty or that they weren’t showing up to their shifts. The OP said they’re in college and working jobs. For their ages they’re doing what they need to do. Their entitled to have their down time.

I had this same BS fight with my mom back when I was living at home at that age.

I was in school for 25 hours a week and I also worked 30 hours a week, I was 18/19/20/21 busting my ass and doing it all without a car, I literally rode my bike to and from work and instead of being proud of me and grateful I had my head on straight and that I was working incredibly hard for anything I wanted, my mom tried to tell me at 20/21 I couldn’t spend the night at a guys house like I was 17 or something.

So there I was paying all those taxes, working all those hours, answering all those customers stupid questions day in and day out, going to college classes and doing HOURS UPON HOURS of homework after work and was treated like a literal child. Like why did I even work that hard without any of the perks of being an adult? Like that’s my only motivation as an adult to do what I do because the perks of being over the age of 18. If someone took all the perks away from me today I’d stop trying so hard. All work and no reward? Gross.

Because I was an adult and all I wanted to do was not have to hide and lie about the fact I was occasionally spending the night at my boyfriends house instead of at home. After a long hard day at work and class all I wanted to do was eat dinner with him, get a massage, curl up with someone at the end of the day, decompress and watch tv till we fell asleep. LIKE ADULTS DO.

I ended up leaving because I had such a busy schedule between work and school that my moms “rules” were making my life literally impossible.

•I had roughly an hour after work to decompress before she expected me IN BED and lights out. She also wanted me off my phone after “bedtime”. So that meant after a long day working retail, being infantilized by upper management all day because hello retail, I had to get everything I needed to do and wind down all in an hour and then lay in bed in total darkness regardless of if I could fall asleep or not at the time she wanted me to.

•My latest class got out at 9pm on the nights I didn’t work late and it didn’t matter if I had work the next day from 2-10 and had classes in the morning and HAD to do my homework THAT NIGHT because I’d have zero time the next day, she’d just shut off the modem on me. It didn’t matter if I was up trying to do the 6 hours of college assignments I had, I was “setting a bad example” for my younger brother who “wanted to stay up late too”. Instead of telling him to go to bed and leave me alone and let me do my school work she’d yell at me and take the modem. I’m still trying to make that one make any sense to me at all.

•I also had to be awake by 8am every morning and it didn’t matter if my boss kept us past midnight for floor sets and setting up displays, 8am meant 8am during the week. I worked 2nd shift and had one morning class and mostly afternoon or evening classes, like what point was she trying to teach me with this one?

•I wasn’t allowed to spend the night at guys houses and she’d still check with my friends parents about my location and they had stopped doing that to my friends after high school graduation. You know god forbid a young woman in her 20s date and not die alone. How dare me.

•I had a curfew too but it’s not like that mattered anyways because I was also either in class till 9 or at work till 10 or later and by the time I got off work I didn’t have time to do anything ever and if I had a day off most everyone barely invited me places because it was just too difficult. Which as an adult now that’s never an issue for me, after work I usually stop by my friends house for a drink or two, catch up and go home.

•I had a picture message block on my phone (2009) meaning I couldn’t text photos. All because my then 14 year old brother and his friends had been googling the words “boobs” and “naked women” so she put picture messaging blocks on BOTH our phones and blocked the internet from the devices. I was over the age of 18. She also put a cuss word filter so any cuss words came up like “****”.

•I wasn’t allowed to lock my door unless I was changing and honestly if she wasn’t going to let me stay at a guys house overnight the least she could have done was not had an issue with my door being locked on occasion, especially at 18-21.

I paid for my:
- cell phone
- my car insurance
- gas
- all my clothes
- oil changes/car maintenance
- school expenses not covered by FAFSA
- all my food
- my grandmother helped me get a car because she was appalled by the fact my mom literally never helped me with rides to and from work despite the weather conditions (Colorado) and working until late at night and having to bike/walk home.
I paid for everything but rent and utilities.

I was responsible for:
- My own laundry
- Cleaning the bathroom my brother and I shared while he never had to clean it once.
- Cleaning my own room.
- Taking turns going grocery shopping, both my brother and I would be sent with a list and a debit card to run errands for her. About the only time I was ever allowed to use the car.
- Loading and unloading the dishwasher
- Scooping poop from the back yard.
- Cleaning any dishes I used or any mess I made.
- Vacuuming common areas.

So if the OPs kids are anything like I was at that age and they’re just trying to work, go to school and get a feel for life then she needs to calm down and pick her battles before she chooses to die on this hill.

I think with all I paid for and everything I did in the house that I shouldn’t have had a single one of those rules. In my eyes by doing what I was doing I was satisfying the requirements for more freedom, not less.

What’s with parents thinking their 18-22 year old is going to be on board with all the responsibilities of being an adult and none of the benefits?

Like don’t expect young adults to go to class and work from 8/10am-10pm day in and day out like an adult and then come home and relax like a child. That’s why adults get to do things children can’t because the only good thing about being an adult is all the adult things in life.

After a long hard day at work, working mostly outdoors all I want to do when I come home is take a relaxing shower and not have to rush through it so I have time to do other things before someone yells at me to go to bed, I want to make a snack and not be yelled at for eating late even though my last meal was 6+ hours ago and was eaten while working and no actual break, I want to smoke a bowl and throw my neck wrap in the microwave and just sit with the heat because the tension in my head and neck muscles is so tight that I feel it in my face and then I want to let my body rest tomorrow because it’s my day off and it’s what it needs to do regardless of it’s a week day or not and not be yelled at to wake up because it’s a certain time of day during a certain day of the week regardless of what my work schedule was.

What’s sad is if I moved back in with my mom for any reason at all it would be just like it was back then and I’m 32 now, she’d want to set rules that conflicted with my schedule for some sadistic reason I have yet to discover, she’d attempt to control every single facet of my life.

I don’t see how more of you don’t find this extended control into adulthood disturbing and I also don’t see how some of you don’t see the correlation between this extended parenting and the newer generations inability to mature.

[skysthelimit89]

Originally Posted by springfieldva

So basically you think that the gold standard of parenting should be having teens/20 somethings living under your roof, driving around your car that you pay insurance on while the kids...uhhh, adults....are spending their own money on pot, alcohol and other fun stuff and their idea of responsibility is sleeping overnight at their friends' houses if they are too wasted to drive home safely.

If my kids were basically spending their days getting drunk and high, I would have no problem pulling the funding for their college and taking away their (actually MY) car.

Also if they’re in college and going to classes and they’re also working then how are these young adults spending their days getting drunk and high? Sounds like they’re going to work and school all day and then relaxing at night like millions of other Americans do after a long day of going places and doing things they didn’t want to go or do.

[skysthelimit89]

Originally Posted by Monkey00

My two adult children ages 18 and 20 smoke way too much nicotine, cannabis, and drink too much beer for my liking. I don't know what to do at this point? I have no control and this behavior is ruining my relationship with them. I dont know what to do....I am so worried they will turn to bigger drugs and addiction next. NO support from husband at all.

How are they doing in school? Grades? Attendance? Do they have majors/plans for the future?

How are their jobs going? Do they do well at work? Do they call out a lot?

Obviously they’re not out of school which means they’re doing well enough to stay in.

And clearly they’re making money which means they’re showing up for work and not getting fired.


Is their drinking and smoking impacting their life or are you just opposed to that lifestyle?

Because if they’re doing well in school and working a lot, then it’s not a surprise you said they get annoyed and it pushes them away when you bring it up. My own mom does the same thing to me at 32, she knows I had back surgery, she knows I have arthritis, she knows my job is tough, she knows I hurt a lot and should sympathize with me and not judge because she does as well but chooses to try and use stereotypical insults to attempt to put me down because I smoke. Well, I have my own apartment, an amazing job that I love with an amazing boss, great group of friends, two sweet cats, a cute SUV, I work a lot but make time for life, things are good.

But if I was addicted to drugs, bouncing from trap house to trap house, dating dudes with face tattoos and anger issues that like to take long strolls on parole then I could see why anyone would be concerned however I’m single as a pringle, live with my two cats, my most favorite recent purchase is my washer and dryer and I work 65 hours a week and my job requires a lot of hard work and focus.

I kinda popped off with this topic because it hits so close to home because my mom is the exact same way. Her dad drank a lot but worked until he retired and wasn’t a lazy man but I’m not her dad.

I drink occasionally, I smoke for pain relief but nothing in my life is suffering yet if you ask her I just do nothing but smoke all the time and work at some “dead end” job. She tells me how I need to go find a job in an office somewhere and how she thinks I would like it even though I already work in an office during the week at a location with some of the most beautiful sunsets, getting to do a job unlike any other and making pretty good money doing so but it’s not traditional so it isn’t “serious” enough to her.

Are you kids habits impacting their school or work or anything? Or is this just a sensitive topic for you and you’re overreacting to the amount they drink and smoke?

“Too much” is subjective. To a Mormon one beer is too much and to the average person 2-4 beers might be too much.

I think we need more insight.

[Emma Lane]

Originally Posted by Monkey00

My two adult children ages 18 and 20 smoke way too much nicotine, cannabis, and drink too much beer for my liking. I don't know what to do at this point? I have no control and this behavior is ruining my relationship with them. I dont know what to do....I am so worried they will turn to bigger drugs and addiction next. NO support from husband at all.

Hey ,


First, Don't panic about it.
If you think your children has started smoking too much, Do one thing, don't be strict with them, start talking to them like a friend. If you slowly talk to them like a friend, then they will also feel that what has happened to the mother, why she does not behave strict with us now and why she doesn't stop us from smoking. When they will think about this, it will feel that mother talks well with us and then they will start living with you like a friend. Then you can also ask them the reason to smoke slowly and if there is no reason to smoke, then be friendly with them, they can also remove the habit. Because only they will realize that mother is so good and she wants us not to smoke then we should leave it.

I think it will work, but it will take some time so you have to wait a bit for everything to be fine.

[dr.strangelove]

Originally Posted by Monkey00

My two adult children ages 18 and 20 smoke way too much nicotine, cannabis, and drink too much beer for my liking. I don't know what to do at this point? I have no control and this behavior is ruining my relationship with them. I dont know what to do....I am so worried they will turn to bigger drugs and addiction next. NO support from husband at all.

Tell them your thoughts and then make a decision whether or not you want to continue to have a relationship with them. What may be way too much pot, tobacco, and alcohol for you, may be a perfectly fine amount to someone else. I've had a lot of all three in my life and have what I would consider a pretty good and successful life.

[StarryKnight1]

Originally Posted by skysthelimit89

Actually that only pertains in the house.
My house my rules doesn’t extend past the property line, what they do outside the home cannot be controlled.

You’ve been arguing this same point for almost 15 years and no one ever agrees with you, when are you going to get it? When you’re depending on someone else for basic necessities and or funding -in any way-, they have the right to judge and control your life. No such thing as a free ride with no strings attached. You want someone else to pay the bills, you accept their judging and controlling.

As far as legal rights…Any adult child who proclaims their “rights” while living in their parents house would likely be shown the door wherein outside they can do as much drinking, being a pothead, and partying as they like, except without having their parents financial support and house to come home to.

You’re 32. Are you ever going to grow out of this “I’m defiant to authority and it’s so COOL” teenage recalcitrant attitude? If not, spare the world the trauma and don’t have any children.

[thinkingandwondering]

OP: Haven't read the thread. If they have reached majority and you don't like their lifestyles in your home, why do you continue to allow them to live in your home? It seems like a simple problem on one hand: Tell them what's allowed in your home and that they can go elsewhere if they can't respect your rules.

I understand being concerned about their use of substances, but that's almost another issue. Most young adults drink and smoke stuff.