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It sounds like there were some pretty massive parenting failures there.
At age 19 the person in question had options other than relying on parents or running away without insulin. I wish the person would have contacted a suicide prevention talk, chat or text service such as those listed here: https://findahelpline.com/ to get through the initial crisis, then contacted community resources to find out their options beyond dependence on parents with whom he was in conflict. 211 (like 911, but not calling emergency dispatch) is a great place to start: https://www.211.org/
HERE'S MY QUESTIONS FOR ALL THE MOTHERS WHO READ THOUGH ALL OF THIS:
How would this personally affect you? Would you feel guilty for what had happened to your adoptive son? Would you be shocked about this?
How would you have handled this situation differently?
What exactly/specifically do you think the mother did wrong in this scenario?
How soon would you have started to notice that something bad was about to happen?
If your friends ever asked about what happened to your adoptive son & why they haven't seen him in a long time, what would you tell them?
Just curious... I needed to vent about this... I AM NOT THE MOTHER OR FATHER IN THIS SCENARIO BY THE WAY...
I suspect you want to hear that your mother would feel guilty and realize what she'd done wrong, and that the community would condemn her. Realistically, it sounds like the parents and their circle here have been pretty callous to what's going on all along, and the death of the 19 year old wouldn't magically to turn them into sensitive and reflective people who take personal responsibility for the welfare of others. So if the 19 year old did this hoping it would cause some kind of "take that," he missed the mark. What WOULD be an excellent "take that" would be to go live a great, personally fulfilling life outside the parents' control.
Since he has autism and other issues, in most communities he could get the assistance of a municipal social worker in figuring out how to find housing of his own and get out from under his parents' thumbs. He already has a job and several years of work history, which will help with securing a rental. Then he can look for a job he doesn't hate and do other things to improve his quality of life.
You may not have to force her out by the time she reaches 18. Keep her in therapy and teach her to call for help on her own when she feels an episode coming on. When she threatens as always call 911 get her to the hospital. Allow her to visit on weekends when she does become able to rent her own apt. get on on some kind of disability so she can get a check for her needs. A job may not be possible unless it's a low paying Un stressful job. Never every try to force her to work with people where customers can and will scream at her. Help her learn how to make things she can sell for a few bucks. Teach her to take her medication no matter what. It can be done but it takes repetition, determination and she will stop being a threat to the family.
Unfortunately her issues are more severe and she is violent and conniving. I love her but you wouldn't want her in your house either, especially if you have pets or small children.
It's a sad fact that there are among us some people who seem to be incapable of allowing others to help them. The reasons can be many but casting blame provides no solution and as such is useless.
I hope that people who have a child with this problem educate themselves as much as possible regarding the cause of the condition and then find a list of resources to try. They should also try to find a good support group addressing this issue where other parents can give tips about what works and doesn't and good psychological support that keeps a person from blaming themselves and getting discouraged.
Most important of all is that they don't feel so invested that they are distracted from self-care. If they don't take care of themselves first they will be in no shape to take care of a child.
If parents think they have done all they can do or are willing to do I also hope they don't carry lifelong blame and a sense of failure with them. Sometimes it's the luck of the draw.
OP, why do you keep referring to the 19-year-old as an adopted son? I can see it for the first mention, so that we will know that hereditary issues aren't in play here. But after that, why? As an adoptive father myself, I can assure you that neither I, nor any other adoptive parents I know, use the adjective "adopted" when talking about their kids. It's always "my son" or "my daughter."
The O.P.’s scenario is not a failure of “mothering.” At no point in the story is the woman described as a single mom.
The repeated emphasis on “adopted” doesn’t move me one way or the other.
she isn't a single Mom, she's just in control of everything including her husband who is present
Everyone has limitations - including mothers! I'm sure this mother did her best.
First, everyone has to work. Period. My biological kids HATED their minimum wage jobs! My rule was either you were in college or working. No one stayed home - not even for a summer break. Depression was not an acceptable excuse for not working. Tough luck!
how would you feel if one of your kids ended up like this?
would you say, "tough luck" over their John Doe marked grave 3 states away where their body was found?...
it definately wouldn't surprise me if you would but just wanted to double check...
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal
The question is what did the adoptive son do wrong? Why wasn't he in college or trade school? Why didn't he find a better job or worked to be promoted? Why didn't he take responsibility for his depression? Did he have a IEP in public school? Couldn't he find support groups?
you honestly expect a miserable 19 year old autistic guy struggling with depression who already hated everyone around him & wanted to ditch them all forever to be capable of finding all of that on his own? let alone actually consider that?...
there's a lot more that I can say but i'll just leave it at that...
how would you feel if one of your kids ended up like this?
would you say, "tough luck" over their John Doe marked grave 3 states away where their body was found?...
it definately wouldn't surprise me if you would but just wanted to double check...
you honestly expect a miserable 19 year old autistic guy struggling with depression who already hated everyone around him & wanted to ditch them all forever to be capable of finding all of that on his own? let alone actually consider that?...
there's a lot more that I can say but i'll just leave it at that...
Now he's 17 years old & you make him get a job working retail. he HATES the retail job right away & wants to quit BUT you tell him that if he quits that you will "kick him out of the house"... ALSO, by now this same adoptive son also has a history of intense depression and numerous suicide attemps, but for some reason you think he's doing "better" now...
He is still very miserable at the job & complains about it very often. Fast forward to 2 years later, he is now 19 years old but still living with you & still working the job he hates because you told him that if he quits, you'll kick him out of the house.
OP, what do you feel would have been a workable solution to the job issue? Know that many parents want their teenage kids to work because, for many, the alternative is to lie around the house and play video games and become lazy and dependent. So, under the assumption that this is why your parents wanted you to work, what do you think they could have been done differently? Is there another type of employment that you would have liked better, and would it have been feasible for you to do this type of work? Could you have stayed home but contributed to the household in a more tangible way?
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