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This is going to be somewhat of a long post, but imagine that you're a mother & father living in Wisconsin who has a 17 year old adopted son who you've had since he was a couple months old, who has been diagnosed with depression & Autism. As he was growing up you would slap him around whenever he said something you didn't like. in addition to that, your adoptive son also suffers from type 1 diabetes & is insulin dependant.
Now he's 17 years old & you make him get a job working retail. he HATES the retail job right away & wants to quit BUT you tell him that if he quits that you will "kick him out of the house"... ALSO, by now this same adoptive son also has a history of intense depression and numerous suicide attemps, but for some reason you think he's doing "better" now...
He is still very miserable at the job & complains about it very often. Fast forward to 2 years later, he is now 19 years old but still living with you & still working the job he hates because you told him that if he quits, you'll kick him out of the house. You notice that he starts cutting his wrist & you see laceration scars all over his arms, he now starts telling you that he STILL hates the job & that he "doesn't care about dying" and that he's going to run away & leave his insulin behind so he dies far away from home & die of no insulin & get buried in a cemetery as a John Doe.
^he literally says that to you quote-unquote on mutiple occasions, you are aware of his suicide attemps in the past (YOU EVEN WITNESSED ONE OF THEM!) but you blow him off when he tells you that.
However, a few weeks pass & you walk into his bedroom to wake him up for work & you notice that he's gone & all of his clothes & all of his insulin are left behind. You wait a couple more weeks for him to reappear but he never comes back (ANOTHER THING: this adoptive son is also a reclusive outcast who never goes out often, but he sometimes will meet strangers online to go on drives with...)
But when a couple more weeks pass & he doesn't come back, you decide to submit a missing person's report but the cops don't really do anything because he's 19 years old & is considered an adult.
fast forward 3 to 5 years later...
Somehow you end up finding out what happened to your adoptive son. He actually been dead the whole entire time since you first noticed him gone & his body was found on a the side of a country road in a rual part of Arkansas.
No signs of violence were found on his body, but witnesses claim that they saw him being dropped off nearby by an unknown driver & numerous people reported seeing your adoptive son wandering the streets looking very ill... They also tell you that he had died from diabetic ketoacidosis due to lack of insulin & that he had been buried in an Arkansas cemetery as a John Doe since his body was first recovered shortly after the time you noticed him missing... EXACTLY WHAT HE HAD BEEN TELLING YOU...
HERE'S MY QUESTIONS FOR ALL THE MOTHERS WHO READ THOUGH ALL OF THIS:
How would this personally affect you? Would you feel guilty for what had happened to your adoptive son? Would you be shocked about this?
How would you have handled this situation differently?
What exactly/specifically do you think the mother did wrong in this scenario?
How soon would you have started to notice that something bad was about to happen?
If your friends ever asked about what happened to your adoptive son & why they haven't seen him in a long time, what would you tell them?
Just curious... I needed to vent about this... I AM NOT THE MOTHER OR FATHER IN THIS SCENARIO BY THE WAY...
I do have a younger adopted grandchild who fits much of your description. Her parents call 911 immediately when she threatens/attempts suicide or runs away. She has been under psychiatric care and hospitalized multiple times since she was 5. Her medications have never really helped. She is too young to work but I'm sure we will encourage her to find a way to support herself because she will have to move out when she is 18. She is a threat to the rest of the family.
That said, we all have steeled ourselves to the probability that she will also die early, unless we can get her into a residential treatment program that locks her down.
1. We would not feel guilty in our case, we have done everything to try to protect her and get her treatment as well as notifying authorities. We have accepted that as she gets older, she is more at risk of dying from bad choices.
2. In the above situation, we wouldn't have slapped the teen around. We would've called 911 after each suicide attempt (not sure they didn't).
3. Not going to blame the mother. My DIL is living this life. It's the most difficult mothering position.
4. In our case, we knew something bad will happen eventually since she was 5.
5. I'd say he left when he was 19. Which is true.
How did this young man do in school? Did the school notice the lacerations? Did he ever call the suicide hotline? Did his doctor ever prescribe medications besides the insulin?
How was he able to keep his job that long?
At this age, the parents are one small piece of the puzzle. A 17 year old that is going to school, working, seeing his doctor regularly to get his insulin, etc has other opportunities to ask for help if his parents don't believe the situation is serious.
With every suicide attempt there is normally a mandatory 3 day observation in a psych ward. Is it possible the young man convinced his parents that he didn't want to do that, that he was fine?
I've never dealt with anything like this but I'm sure behavioral and mental health issues like this could be very overwhelming for all concerned. Obviously, slapping a kid around is not a solution. Failing to seek medical help for mental illness and thoughts of suicide - not good. But there is also a chance that this kid refused help.
However, I can see how a parent might insist that their teenager stay as productive as possible. This particular kid may have hated his retail job but, at the same time, he was learning some valuable life skills and making some money. I'm not sure what he would have preferred to be doing but at least his job was a productive use of his time, as opposed to, sleeping all day, playing video games, self medicating, etc.
His parents also made sure that he got to the doctor to get his insulin. That was important. And he knew that it was important to his parents that he take his insulin because he repeatedly threatened to run off somewhere and leave his meds behind.
I do not understand why his parents took so long to call the police to report him missing. It seems that with his suicidal threats and medical needs he should have been treated as an "endangered" missing person, even though he was legally an adult. Maybe his parents didn't want to call the authorities out of fear of stigmatizing him? I don't know. That part makes no sense to me. They definitely had a difficult road with their son and they may not have done everything right but all parents make mistakes. I'm sure they have their regrets.
"HERE'S MY QUESTIONS FOR ALL THE MOTHERS WHO READ THOUGH ALL OF THIS:
How would this personally affect you? Would you feel guilty for what had happened to your adoptive son? Would you be shocked about this?
How would you have handled this situation differently?
What exactly/specifically do you think the MOTHER did wrong in this scenario?"
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You seem to blame the Mother more than the Father. Why is this?
It was wrong to physically abuse the child.
Not everyone is a good parent.
The Father should have been more involved.
The Mother may have been exhausted by all the turmoil. Mothers are not perfect. No one is perfect.
Most people do not have jobs they really like.
If the young man doesn't learn how to work even if he doesn't want to, how will he live after his parents are dead?
If you are the young man you should take yourself to your doctor and see if you can get psychiatric help.
If it's a mythological question about how the Mother (why not the Father? ) will feel the answer is probably more complex than this - but probably a combination of grief and relief. Relief at no longer having to deal with the drama and being able to have a peaceful household, and sorrow that the son didn't grow up to lead a happy and self sufficient life. People are complex. They don't necessarily feel just one emotion at a time.
I do have a younger adopted grandchild who fits much of your description. Her parents call 911 immediately when she threatens/attempts suicide or runs away. She has been under psychiatric care and hospitalized multiple times since she was 5. Her medications have never really helped. She is too young to work but I'm sure we will encourage her to find a way to support herself because she will have to move out when she is 18. She is a threat to the rest of the family.
That said, we all have steeled ourselves to the probability that she will also die early, unless we can get her into a residential treatment program that locks her down.
1. We would not feel guilty in our case, we have done everything to try to protect her and get her treatment as well as notifying authorities. We have accepted that as she gets older, she is more at risk of dying from bad choices.
2. In the above situation, we wouldn't have slapped the teen around. We would've called 911 after each suicide attempt (not sure they didn't).
3. Not going to blame the mother. My DIL is living this life. It's the most difficult mothering position.
4. In our case, we knew something bad will happen eventually since she was 5.
5. I'd say he left when he was 19. Which is true.
How did this young man do in school? Did the school notice the lacerations? Did he ever call the suicide hotline? Did his doctor ever prescribe medications besides the insulin?
How was he able to keep his job that long?
At this age, the parents are one small piece of the puzzle. A 17 year old that is going to school, working, seeing his doctor regularly to get his insulin, etc has other opportunities to ask for help if his parents don't believe the situation is serious.
With every suicide attempt there is normally a mandatory 3 day observation in a psych ward. Is it possible the young man convinced his parents that he didn't want to do that, that he was fine?
You may not have to force her out by the time she reaches 18. Keep her in therapy and teach her to call for help on her own when she feels an episode coming on. When she threatens as always call 911 get her to the hospital. Allow her to visit on weekends when she does become able to rent her own apt. get on on some kind of disability so she can get a check for her needs. A job may not be possible unless it's a low paying Un stressful job. Never every try to force her to work with people where customers can and will scream at her. Help her learn how to make things she can sell for a few bucks. Teach her to take her medication no matter what. It can be done but it takes repetition, determination and she will stop being a threat to the family.
The O.P.’s scenario is not a failure of “mothering.” At no point in the story is the woman described as a single mom.
The repeated emphasis on “adopted” doesn’t move me one way or the other.
HERE'S MY QUESTIONS FOR ALL THE MOTHERS WHO READ THOUGH ALL OF THIS:
How would this personally affect you? Would you feel guilty for what had happened to your adoptive son? Would you be shocked about this?
How would you have handled this situation differently?
What exactly/specifically do you think the mother did wrong in this scenario?
How soon would you have started to notice that something bad was about to happen?
If your friends ever asked about what happened to your adoptive son & why they haven't seen him in a long time, what would you tell them?
Just curious... I needed to vent about this... I AM NOT THE MOTHER OR FATHER IN THIS SCENARIO BY THE WAY...
Everyone has limitations - including mothers! I'm sure this mother did her best.
First, everyone has to work. Period. My biological kids HATED their minimum wage jobs! My rule was either you were in college or working. No one stayed home - not even for a summer break. Depression was not an acceptable excuse for not working. Tough luck!
People don't cut themselves or slide into depression because of a minimum wage job. People have always done jobs that they hated to earn a living. It's just life. After my grandfather died, my grandmother supported herself as a seamstress. My grandmother worked without complaining like everyone else in history. People work as housecleaning and other low level jobs without complaining.
The question is what did the adoptive son do wrong? Why wasn't he in college or trade school? Why didn't he find a better job or worked to be promoted? Why didn't he take responsibility for his depression? Did he have a IEP in public school? Couldn't he find support groups?
The O.P.’s scenario is not a failure of “mothering.” At no point in the story is the woman described as a single mom.
The repeated emphasis on “adopted” doesn’t move me one way or the other.
IMO, it sure if a parenting failure, whether or not theirs another parent, siblings, extended family. Mom is toxic and failed her child to the point he's dead.
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