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The title of this discussion caught my eye, when it popped up on a "sidebar", so I thought I'd glance through it, and sure enough, it brought back memories of my younger days. My best friend introduced me to this girl that he went to high school with, as he thought that she and I would like each other. Turns out we did, and started dating during the summer before our last year in high school.
Shortly before she went off to a college about 40 miles from where we lived (I stayed "local"), she brought me to a family gathering of hers. While there, I overheard her mother telling a family friend that I was "OK", but not exactly what she had in mind for her daughter...."she deserved better", according to the mom.
Needless to say, our relationship didn't stand "the test of time", or more specifically the test of distance. She broke off our relationship after her first semester away at school. Needless to say, I was quite disappointed, and for a while, considered that maybe we'd wind up back together. However, I was really shocked, several months later, when I heard through the grapevine, that she was pregnant, dropping out of school, and getting married!
I'm sure that her mother was REALLY EXCITED about that.....and I wasn't good enough???
I think there are many great ideas in this thread such as befriending the boyfriend and getting to know his family. A lot of what goes on in my house is to treat the red flag behavior as a singular event that happened under certain conditions and then not allow it to happen again. So a lot of our language is "hey, last time we did that, this happened..."
So we do give people a chance to be a part of our family.
It's too bad that young people, in general, don't truly value or seek out their parents' thoughts and advice on important matters like this. I wish my parents (or any older, wiser, caring person) would have told me I was rushing into things way too fast when I got engaged after dating someone for only 4 months (and married 4 months later.) We had a long but unhappy marriage, until he finally filed for divorce after 24 years. (Divorce was not an option to me due the religious beliefs I held at that time.)
I know that people need to make some of their own mistakes, but when it comes to choosing a life partner, that is HUGE. I truly wish we had a culture of genuinely including older, wiser people in that enormous decision. (The divorce rate tells me we need to be doing something differently.)
Perhaps, OP, you could ask your child questions like "What is it about him/her that makes you two a good match? What are the things you admire most about him/her?" Conversations like that might get your child thinking more deeply, and beyond the "in love hormones," and perhaps open the door to your opinion being requested.
^^This. My daughter was in a bad relationship and even with everyone in her life collectively explaining that his behavior was abusive, it took a lot for her to walk away. It was really scary to see our strong, confident, sassy daughter allow herself to be treated that way, but thankfully she was still a minor so we did have some level of control over her ability to see him. She had to see it for herself that he was enjoying breaking and manipulating her and that it wasn’t cute or normal.
Hi OP, it depends on exactly what the signs are. I would tread very gently, though, and would ask about them in a round-about way. If you can tell for certain that they are harming your son or daughter somehow I would ask direct questions and tell them of my concerns. I would prepare to explain my concerns calmly.
How do you handle it when your kid is dating someone that very clearly has red flags that they just don’t see?
Is this handled differently if they are a teenager, college-ish age and still dependent, or fully fledged?
I can only tell you one thing, if you disapprove of the person they are dating verbally to them, you more than likely will just be pushing them closer together. Remember Romeo and Juliet? And sometime a certain amount of rebellion is normal in kids at a certain age, but it's important, and it can be an important part of them trying to become more Independent.
Hopefully if there is a real problem then they will see it themselves eventually...just be there for them.
Now, if you are talking about something criminal or where laws are being broken, that is a whole other
issue.
I can only tell you one thing, if you disapprove of the person they are dating verbally to them, you more than likely will just be pushing them closer together. Remember Romeo and Juliet? And sometime a certain amount of rebellion is normal in kids at a certain age, but it's important, and it can be an important part of them trying to become more Independent.
Hopefully if there is a real problem then they will see it themselves eventually...just be there for them.
Now, if you are talking about something criminal or where laws are being broken, that is a whole other
issue.
How would you handle the “whole other issue?”
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