Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My wife and I have been talking on and off for the past two years about trying to have a child. One of our major issues is that she is legitimately terrified of going through a pregnancy. Specifically, she's afraid of the pain of labor and carrying the child. I think this stems from the fact that she is terrified of pain in general, is unable to take injections or shots for example without significant preparation. She was required to a shot for her job awhile back and the trauma of that injection lasted for an entire day, full-blown crying non-stop.
We haven't tried to conceive yet, but we are getting older approaching our 40's and I'm starting to get worried. Just recently when talks had been going well and I thought everything was looking up, she had a complete "breakdown" and cried all day saying she can't do it. Obviously, I would never force her to get pregnant, but I'd be lying if I said not being able to be a father brings me such pain and sadness that I'm not sure how to deal with it. Adoption is a possibility but I've looked into it briefly and it does not seem like a very successful route for many people. There are no children in my extended family, and I was kind of the "last hope" to have children and now that future is slipping away from me. My wife's doctor has also been warning her that she needs to have children ASAP due to her age, so there is a lot of pressure from family and other sources which doesn't help.
I guess I'm looking for advice or encouragement from anyone who had a fear of pregnancy and overcame it, or powered through it, and how you managed to do it. Thank you.
My wife and I have been talking on and off for the past two years about trying to have a child. One of our major issues is that she is legitimately terrified of going through a pregnancy. Specifically, she's afraid of the pain of labor and carrying the child. I think this stems from the fact that she is terrified of pain in general, is unable to take injections or shots for example without significant preparation. She was required to a shot for her job awhile back and the trauma of that injection lasted for an entire day, full-blown crying non-stop.
We haven't tried to conceive yet, but we are getting older approaching our 40's and I'm starting to get worried. Just recently when talks had been going well and I thought everything was looking up, she had a complete "breakdown" and cried all day saying she can't do it. Obviously, I would never force her to get pregnant, but I'd be lying if I said not being able to be a father brings me such pain and sadness that I'm not sure how to deal with it. Adoption is a possibility but I've looked into it briefly and it does not seem like a very successful route for many people. There are no children in my extended family, and I was kind of the "last hope" to have children and now that future is slipping away from me. My wife's doctor has also been warning her that she needs to have children ASAP due to her age, so there is a lot of pressure from family and other sources which doesn't help.
I guess I'm looking for advice or encouragement from anyone who had a fear of pregnancy and overcame it, or powered through it, and how you managed to do it. Thank you.
The part in red is concerning. I can't believe a doctor would put that much pressure on a patient.
Has your wife ever tried therapy for her phobia? Her reaction, as you know, is not typical or healthy, and it will be problematic for her as she ages and needs more medical care.
Having had three kids, including one pregnancy of multiples, I also think you would be wise to put your concerns about whether you will have a child on the back burner and understand that her considerable anxiety could be a serious issue for her AFTER pregnancy is over.
There is postpartum depression and just the overall anxiety that comes with being a new parent and trying to care for a being that can't tell you with words what it wants. It could seriously affect her ability to parent once the baby is here.
I used to be a person who had a great fear of needles, but being subjected to the constant poking and prodding that comes with pregnancy got me over it, till it became no big deal. However, you can't just tell that to someone with her level of anxiety and panic.
Your focus now should be on encouraging her to find a pro therapist who can help her manage her anxiety, and if the pregnancy fears subside based on that, it will be a bonus.
She should see a therapist & determine if she really wants children. And to see if she can work through her anxiety & fears. Someone with that level of anxiety may not be cut out to be a parent.
She should see a therapist & determine if she really wants children. And to see if she can work through her anxiety & fears. Someone with that level of anxiety may not be cut out to be a parent.
I agree. I understand how she feels, because I was absolutely terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, but I wanted a baby badly enough to get pregnant and go through it. And I would have done so again if I'd had the chance.
(As it turned out, the thing I feared most--labor--never happened. I went in for a fetal non-stress test when I was a week late, and they decided to do a C-section. Of course, that hurt like all hell afterward. But I had a beautiful baby.)
So, make sure the underlying problem isn't that deep-down, she really doesn't want children.
True, most doctors would rather do a c section.
Or you could have a surrogate.
My niece sadly could not bare a child. They hired a surrogate. The child was 100% of their genes. The lady who carried to term was healthy and decent.
Yes I can understand a medical doctor laying out the pros and cons of a lady carrying during the 40 age group and above. It's wise to openly lay out the data. I highly doubt this doctor did anything other then lay out the stats and her personal medical history that deserves acknowledging.
My best friend chose not to have kids. She sincerely had no motherly instinct. She loved her body and refused to marr it. I respected her honesty. She certainly did the world much good in other areas of life.
Your wife may need to dig deep on which side of the tracks she stands. I'm sure you'll both make a positive choice whatever it is.
My wife and I have been talking on and off for the past two years about trying to have a child. One of our major issues is that she is legitimately terrified of going through a pregnancy. Specifically, she's afraid of the pain of labor and carrying the child. I think this stems from the fact that she is terrified of pain in general, is unable to take injections or shots for example without significant preparation. She was required to a shot for her job awhile back and the trauma of that injection lasted for an entire day, full-blown crying non-stop.
We haven't tried to conceive yet, but we are getting older approaching our 40's and I'm starting to get worried. Just recently when talks had been going well and I thought everything was looking up, she had a complete "breakdown" and cried all day saying she can't do it. Obviously, I would never force her to get pregnant, but I'd be lying if I said not being able to be a father brings me such pain and sadness that I'm not sure how to deal with it. Adoption is a possibility but I've looked into it briefly and it does not seem like a very successful route for many people. There are no children in my extended family, and I was kind of the "last hope" to have children and now that future is slipping away from me. My wife's doctor has also been warning her that she needs to have children ASAP due to her age, so there is a lot of pressure from family and other sources which doesn't help.
I guess I'm looking for advice or encouragement from anyone who had a fear of pregnancy and overcame it, or powered through it, and how you managed to do it. Thank you.
Are there any certified (rather than lay) nurse-midwives who work through a free standing birth clinic near you?
I've found that nurse-midwives tend to do a far better job than the typical ObGyn with answering questions and taking the whole woman into consideration rather than treating her like a walking womb before and after pregnancy. (For example, they ask as a matter of course if there's past history of abuse and if so, they offer resources to help the patent to deal with them as past trauma can affect how she emotionally handles labor and delivery. They also ask about current stress levels, which is pertinent to how how well a woman's body functions. Not once have I had an ObGyn ask either question.)
If she has no major preexisting conditions (high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, etc), she should still be able to use one for her pregnancy care and well-woman care. What's nice about using a midwife center of some sort is that if she needs to be transferred into the care of an OB at some point (and a qualified midwife does not hesitate to do this if the need is there), they tend to work with those who are of a similar mindset. They can also do a hospital rather than a birth center delivery if she would like a higher level of pain relief than they can offer or circumstances change regarding her pregnancy that would necessitate being in a hospital setting.
Get family to back off from pressuring either of you into child-bearing. Neither of you need that unnecessary b.s.
Surrogacy might also be a good option for you as a couple if she cannot overcome her fears and anxiety.
My wife and I have been talking on and off for the past two years about trying to have a child. One of our major issues is that she is legitimately terrified of going through a pregnancy. Specifically, she's afraid of the pain of labor and carrying the child. I think this stems from the fact that she is terrified of pain in general, is unable to take injections or shots for example without significant preparation. She was required to a shot for her job awhile back and the trauma of that injection lasted for an entire day, full-blown crying non-stop.
We haven't tried to conceive yet, but we are getting older approaching our 40's and I'm starting to get worried. Just recently when talks had been going well and I thought everything was looking up, she had a complete "breakdown" and cried all day saying she can't do it. Obviously, I would never force her to get pregnant, but I'd be lying if I said not being able to be a father brings me such pain and sadness that I'm not sure how to deal with it. Adoption is a possibility but I've looked into it briefly and it does not seem like a very successful route for many people. There are no children in my extended family, and I was kind of the "last hope" to have children and now that future is slipping away from me. My wife's doctor has also been warning her that she needs to have children ASAP due to her age, so there is a lot of pressure from family and other sources which doesn't help.
I guess I'm looking for advice or encouragement from anyone who had a fear of pregnancy and overcame it, or powered through it, and how you managed to do it. Thank you.
She needs therapy. You could consider surrogacy, its a good choice for people who cant or wont get pregnant. And you need to decide if giving up a child is worth your marriage. You cant and shouldnt try and force her to have a baby but only you can decide if not having a child is worth your marriage. You want to have children. If you choose not to because she doesnt want to, make sure you dont hold it against her later in life.
Please don't pressure your wife to go through this. Her fears are legitimate; not something "in her head."
Your future is not "slipping away from you;" your future is your partnership with your wife. Please respect her in this.
That may be the case for you. But perhaps (and it certainly seems that way) the OP wants more than just a partnership with his wife and wants to expand his family with a child(ren).
OP, if your wife doesn't want to have children and you are adamant about having children biologically, then I don't see how the marriage is going to work. Timing in this regard is obviously more of an issue for your wife than you, but this is something that you will have to consider going forward. This issue could very well be the downfall of your marriage.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
