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I was reunited with my first family before my children were born. They have never known a life without a whole bunch of grandparents in it. Or great grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins for that matter. Between my natural and adoptive families, there is so much love surrounding them.
That's really wonderful. I do not know when or if my daughter will meet her extended family members from her first family. Her grandparents on either side do not know of her existence, and that is a very hard thing for me. Since it's hard for me, my heart breaks for the hurt it might someday cause for my daughter. But... for now at least, that is what it is, and since I cannot change it, I must accept it. I hope someday it is different.
How does acknowledging reality (that I have two mothers... & in terms of chronological order there was my first mother, then my second mother) elevate one over the other? Do you believe that adoptive mothers should be elevated above biological mothers?
No, I don't believe either should be elevated.
But when looking objectively at the amount of effort put in, I do see 18 years + as more than 9 months.
Excepting the bad apples, one mom got up every day and wiped snot and poo and kissed booboos and helped with homework and went to soccer practice, and maybe went to work to earn money to put a roof over heads and save for college.
It doesn't take away from the genetics you have, or the fact that everyone deserves to be able to be able to fill out their family tree, or anything else that you feel. But... no, I don't think that what I did for that child is equal to what his adoptive parents did.
My two daughters, age 1 and 3? Them I mother every day, and I can see the difference.
One can't exist without the other. If a mother didn't give birth, an adoptive mother would not have any boo-boos to kiss. Who decides which is more important? I would say that is up to the adoptee, not the birth or adoptive mother to decide.
One can't exist without the other. If a mother didn't give birth, an adoptive mother would not have any boo-boos to kiss. Who decides which is more important? I would say that is up to the adoptee, not the birth or adoptive mother to decide.
'Birth woman' really is more about the issues of the adoptee. The exception would be if you know her history, and she truly never did anything to help protect you, even in utero. In that case, say or do whatever you need to heal.
The discussion stemmed from an adoptive parent using the term, not an adoptee.
I felt that an adoptive parent using that particular term was being very dismissive, and that the attitude it conveyed could be harmful as their child came to terms with their own feelings about themselves.
But when looking objectively at the amount of effort put in, I do see 18 years + as more than 9 months.
Excepting the bad apples, one mom got up every day and wiped snot and poo and kissed booboos and helped with homework and went to soccer practice, and maybe went to work to earn money to put a roof over heads and save for college.
It doesn't take away from the genetics you have, or the fact that everyone deserves to be able to be able to fill out their family tree, or anything else that you feel. But... no, I don't think that what I did for that child is equal to what his adoptive parents did.
My two daughters, age 1 and 3? Them I mother every day, and I can see the difference.
The following is my view and my view only.
The reason I don't elevate my own mothers (both a or b) above each is the following:
With my amom, I don't love her BECAUSE of anything in particular she does for me, except for one thing. I love her because she loves me. That is the one thing that matters. I do call her mum but I call her that because that is what I want to call her.
With my bmom, sadly she died young. Yes, I was only with her 9 months in the womb but judging by what my other relatives say and by my non-ID, I doubt very much that she relinquished me because she just didn't want to do all the "mum" stuff (other people's bmoms may be different but I'm talking about my own). Back in the 60s, she had no support to do so. Again, I like to think that she loved and cared about me, even beyond the day of my birth and, if so, then she also deserves to be loved too.
Also, a lifetime of living without one's child, never knowing if she or he was safe, doesn't strike me as any easy life for any mother.
But when looking objectively at the amount of effort put in, I do see 18 years + as more than 9 months.
Excepting the bad apples, one mom got up every day and wiped snot and poo and kissed booboos and helped with homework and went to soccer practice, and maybe went to work to earn money to put a roof over heads and save for college.
It doesn't take away from the genetics you have, or the fact that everyone deserves to be able to be able to fill out their family tree, or anything else that you feel. But... no, I don't think that what I did for that child is equal to what his adoptive parents did.
My two daughters, age 1 and 3? Them I mother every day, and I can see the difference.
Is the child you placed for adoption as important, loved, & equal in your eyes as the children you raised? If you can love a child you did not raise equally to the ones you did, a child can love the mother/father they were separated from equally to the ones that raised them.
But when looking objectively at the amount of effort put in, I do see 18 years + as more than 9 months.
Excepting the bad apples, one mom got up every day and wiped snot and poo and kissed booboos and helped with homework and went to soccer practice, and maybe went to work to earn money to put a roof over heads and save for college.
It doesn't take away from the genetics you have, or the fact that everyone deserves to be able to be able to fill out their family tree, or anything else that you feel. But... no, I don't think that what I did for that child is equal to what his adoptive parents did.
My two daughters, age 1 and 3? Them I mother every day, and I can see the difference.
Is the child you placed for adoption as important, loved, & equal in your eyes as the children you raised? If you can love a child you did not raise equally to the ones you did, a child can love the mother/father they were separated from equally to the ones that raised them.
How can you love someone you've never met and don't even know? Aren't you just really loving the idea you have of them, at least until you meet them and get to know them?
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