How often do you think about your adopted child's birthparents and do you think of yourself as part of an "Adoption Tria (foster care, baby)
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Growing up with the feeling that your feelings are wrong, is horrible, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We look for social cues, and when society tells you that you are 'lucky' should be 'grateful' and gives a very stereotypical idea of what adoption is, there's no room for your own pain.
I desperately wanted to be what society thought being adopted was like. I felt ashamed that I didn't feel lucky or grateful. Adoptees are scared of rejection, we are second class, and society never lets us forget that. I was the 'happy adoptee' who LOVED being adopted. I was wracked with guilt and felt in debt to my APs for 'taking me in'.
It was a horrible way to live. It really had a profound psychological effect on me. I didn't know my own feelings and doubted everything I thought. I was too angry, too depressed, thought too deeply about my adoption. No other trauma is dissected like this.
It is abusive to assume, and tell another person how to feel. I loathe hearing 'Well I know so and so and they're OK with being adopted'. How do they know this?? Why do people think they can speak for adoptees?
It's dehumanising, our lives are never our own. We had our names changed, our identities changed, false birth certificates, raised by strangers, forced to be someone we don't want to be. And on top of that we are told how to feel.
Last edited by Marka; 01-23-2013 at 12:09 AM..
Reason: removed orphaned quote
Growing up with the feeling that your feelings are wrong, is horrible, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We look for social cues, and when society tells you that you are 'lucky' should be 'grateful' and gives a very stereotypical idea of what adoption is, there's no room for your own pain.
I desperately wanted to be what society thought being adopted was like. I felt ashamed that I didn't feel lucky or grateful. Adoptees are scared of rejection, we are second class, and society never lets us forget that. I was the 'happy adoptee' who LOVED being adopted. I was wracked with guilt and felt in debt to my APs for 'taking me in'.
It was a horrible way to live. It really had a profound psychological effect on me. I didn't know my own feelings and doubted everything I thought. I was too angry, too depressed, thought too deeply about my adoption. No other trauma is dissected like this.
It is abusive to assume, and tell another person how to feel. I loathe hearing 'Well I know so and so and they're OK with being adopted'. How do they know this?? Why do people think they can speak for adoptees?
It's dehumanising, our lives are never our own. We had our names changed, our identities changed, false birth certificates, raised by strangers, forced to be someone we don't want to be. And on top of that we are told how to feel.
Thanks for sharing.
And I wanted to add that I do not think this is unique to adoption. I think in many situation children internalize that there is something wrong with them if they do not feel the way they perceive (rightly or wrongly) that they are supposed to feel. An example would be children of alcoholics (especially abusive ones) who struggle with this too. Many people feel they are supposed to be "angry" at the alcoholic parent, and when the child is torn and still loves the abusive parent, they think something is wrong with them. Al-anon, specifically helps them deal with those feelings by telling them how they feel, at any moment is fine.
Other examples include a few kidnap victims who came forward to explain how they felt after being returned. Some of their parents just assumed (as I think any one would) that the child would hate the person who kidnapped them in everyway, but these women came forward to say that yes, hate was part of it, but as unbelievable as it is to me, they also at times missed the kidnapper. It was important to them to come forward so other children going through this (and their parents) would understand that it is "normal" to be conflicted. That doesn't mean everybody reacts the same way but it is helpful to be able to tell a child, they way you feel is NORMAL.
That is all I see coming from the majority of the adult adoptees. They want to be able to have all of their feelings, and for society and APs to stop telling them there is something wrong with them for feeling that way. So since some of the APs/PAPs won't say it, I will.
Adoptees, I appreciate you sharing your feelings with us. I appreciate that your feelings may not be ones that I can relate to, but that does not mean they are not valid. I also accept it is possible to love your APs utterly and completely and still be conflicted about adoption as it stand now. I think it is important that your voice be heard to so other adoptees have a "safe place" to have those feelings IF they ever have them. And I also think it is perfectly normal and fine to never have those feelings.
If an adoptee says anything negative about adoption. It can range from the depression and anxiety they feel, identity issues, legal stuff like false BCs or not able to get their papers. People, and usually people who have no connection to adoption, nothing to gain at all, throw the 'Oh you must have had a 'bad' adoption, you hate your APs' etc.
It's possible to love your APs and hate adoption. I've seen many adoptees who wished they weren't adopted, but were born to their APs. And that is perfectly OK. And what I hate is when people say 'See, isn't it better you were given up!' It just trivialises something so horrible.
I had an awful experience once with someone who was blindly pro-adoption. She used the fact I'd been abused as a reason I was against adoption, like she was glad I was, because it invalidated my feelings. They look for anything negative in your upbringing and use it against you.
Just FYI - "typical", as used above, is not my own terminology but is standard in speaking of children with or without special needs. I wish there were a better term...
Totally off track, but there is. It's "neurotypical."
It is not used to describe bio children vs adopted children, though, and I doubt Craig intended for it to be taken that way. However, if you haven't worked with special needs, it's very likely you have never heard the word used that way.
It is abuse. Anyone who denies relinquishment/ adoption trauma is a child abuser.
And the scary thing is, it came from a person working in child services. Who was a moderator on the site.
It was on a support board, and an adoptee was posting about her issues with being adopted, she was also abused. And this woman panicks every time an adoptee came on and said anything negative about adoption.
Her reasoning was. If a baby is taken from abuse, then there are no problems. That simple. She didn't believe in attachment issues.
And she went through my posting history, found my stuff I'd written, and used it against me. It was really traumatising as I was new to talking openly about adoption.
Totally off track, but there is. It's "neurotypical."
It is not used to describe bio children vs adopted children, though, and I doubt Craig intended for it to be taken that way. However, if you haven't worked with special needs, it's very likely you have never heard the word used that way.
Thanks, Tiffjoy - "neurotypical" is the correct term for a child whose intellect is not delayed in development, but "typical" is generally used colloquially in special needs adoption, which can include more than children with developmental delays - a "neurotypical" child may have spina bifida, limb differences, cleft palate, be HIV positive, etc, but if their intellect is unimpacted, they remain neurotypical if not typical. At least, that's my own understanding. These terms can get fairly esoteric.
However, in general usage, "typical" simply refers to a child who has no special needs, and has nothing to do with whether or not a child is biological or adopted.
Many of the bmoms I know wanted to do what was best for their child. Those bmoms I know (some older generation, some newer) would have liked to parent their child but due to a combination of lack of resources and being made to feel that they would be selfish to parent due to those lack of resources (some which were deliberately withheld from them), they ended up relinquishing their child to give their child what they felt at the time would be a better life. If you look at any counselling or even any bmother pages on adoption sites, the main focus is on about "doing what is best for your child" etc (this often tends to correspond with shortage of supply, you don't find anyone really giving a stuff when there is an oversupply).
Thus, they were really trying to do what is best for their child. My bmom friends placed their child because they believed it to be in "the best interest of their child", not because they wanted to make adoptive parents happy. Making adoptive parents happy can be a bonus and it can make them feel good (something exploited by counselling) but if you go to ANY bmom blog on the internet, whether a happy bmom or not, they will tell you that they placed their child because they wanted to do what was best for their child.
So if my bmom friends want to consider their child their child, then that is their right. It is not in the least bit delusional. And I can guarantee you that if any adoptee does decide to go searching for their bparents, they normally do hope that their bmom does consider them their child. Then again, I get the impression that you think any adoptee searching for their bparents is delusional, so I am probably playing into your hands.
Incidentally, quite a lot of adoptees are scared of searching because they are worried that their bmoms have forgotten about them. Quite often, those adoptees act sort of "meh, don't really care", so it can be hard to tell which adoptees don't care about their bparents and which adoptees don't want anyone to know they care.
Btw I managed to get in contact with my bmom's host family while she was pregnant, they sent me an email which contained the following:
My info sheet says she had very mixed feelings about the adoption but as you know, it was hard for a single mother without support to parent in those days. As Artful Dodger mentioned elsewhere, she may well have been worried about her child being subject to prejudice and certainly that probably would have been drummed home to many expectant mothers at that time.
I don't know if my bmom ever thought of me beyond my birth - but I would like to think that such a nice sounding person did consider me her child just as my amom considers me her child. I hope my bmom was "delusional" and not someone who felt "Ah well, got rid of that kid, let's just move as if it never happened".
wish i could rep you--excellent response--exactly what myself and other birthmoms i met thru CUBS felt---my first child was adopted but i never ever forgot her and we still keep in touch,but careful not to make her still anxious mother not feel threatened so i make sure that her adoptive mom is the more constant person in her life but still letting her know i am here for her too
It is abuse. Anyone who denies relinquishment/ adoption trauma is a child abuser.
See--it's just that kind of generalization which causes so much negativity on this forum.
All 3 of my adopted children were placed at birth in foster homes or orphanages. So, getting back to the original question, I have no information about their birth families which would make me think negatively about them. In fact i think very positively of them. I encourage my girls to look into the sky on their birthday nights and wish (or pray if you like that term better) upon a star that their birth mother knows in their heart that the child they placed for adoption is well and happy, that the birth mother knows she did the right thing and that the child wants to know the mother is happy and well. It would be very difficult for me if I knew my children had been abused or neglected before they came to me.
Tonight we were talking about dental care as i was in pain from work done earlier today. All 3 girls have had excellent teeth-although 2 needed braces. But i am well aware a lot of kids who had no prenatal care can have big dental problems. This is especially true for Asian children. I told them they were lucky they had such good teeth and maybe it was possible their birth mothers took care of themselves while pregnant and that is just another thing to be grateful to them for. They liked the idea that these women were able to give them such a gift, either by design or fate.
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