How often do you think about your adopted child's birthparents and do you think of yourself as part of an "Adoption Tria (birth mother, options)
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Before the recent influx of people who are unhappy with their adoptions, I once heard the term "Adoption Triad" in a magazine and I thought that it was silly. The was an article about celebrating the adoption triad. It suggested lighting a candle for your child's birth mother and ways to keep her as a part of your family. I am not a member of a "Triad" of any sort.
There are four people in my family right now, DH myself and my two children. I hope to add to my family further through adoption. Through adoption, I will be adding more children, not mor parents.
No "Triads" will be added. There are none now.
Since I adopted internationally, and through an agency and since the adoption is closed, a triad was never thought of. We are all happy with this arrangement. So happy that we will repeat it.
This time the child or children will be older children from Eastern Europe. I do not know yet the children, but I have a reasonably good idea of why they will be available for adoption.
It will be for "parental abuse and or neglect". That is something about which I can not celebrate.
I can celebrate their adoption and their new life, free of an institution and free of hunger, cold, beatings or other types of abuse. I can celebrate being able to provide my children with services that they may need after being exposed to these conditions.
We can celebrate being a new family. Now THAT is something to celebrate!
We do not have an adoption triad in our family. I do not celebrate abuse and neglect and lighting a candle in memory of the birth parents is something that I would not do. My husband feels very much the same way. We didn't enter an open adoption. I suppose had the circumstances been different, I would have more empathy for the birth parents but I do not. I will never say negative things about the birth parents either. I just don't dwell on the unhappy circumstances of their adoption although my daughter does know the full background. We are very honest with her and always have been.
I guess that we just simply get on with our lives and that is what I celebrate every day. Today is my daughter's birthday and that is what we are celebrating, not lighting a candle for a long absent biological mother. I celebrate our family and adoption as a positive thing.
Great thread Sheena and I'm curious to hear the responses.
We do not have an adoption triad in our family. I do not celebrate abuse and neglect and lighting a candle in memory of the birth parents is something that I would not do. My husband feels very much the same way. We didn't enter an open adoption. I suppose had the circumstances been different, I would have more empathy for the birth parents but I do not. I will never say negative things about the birth parents either. I just don't dwell on the unhappy circumstances of their adoption although my daughter does know the full background. We are very honest with her and always have been.
I guess that we just simply get on with our lives and that is what I celebrate every day. Today is my daughter's birthday and that is what we are celebrating, not lighting a candle for a long absent biological mother. I celebrate our family and adoption as a positive thing.
Great thread Sheena and I'm curious to hear the responses.
I agree with you Limora. I don't say negative things about the parents but I don't say anything really.
With older children who may have memories and want to talk about it with us or another person. I can validate that those times were happy. I can also validate that the bad things were bad. I do not have to say that the people were bad. I can telll them that they were addicts if that is the reason that they were without food. I can not sugar coat the truth.
My young relatives' original background is similar to that of your children. I don't light candles, but I do pity their parents, think of them at times like Christmas and birthdays, and pray for them often. It was their extremely negligent behavior which led to the loss of their children. Their behavior, and their choices, but that doesn't negate the sadness of their loss. Nor does that sadness negate the suffering their bad choices and negligent behavior caused the children.
I am thankful the children were removed from their original parents, given the circumstances, and I am very thankful those children are now part of our family.
My young relatives' original background is similar to that of your children. I don't light candles, but I do pity their parents, think of them at times like Christmas and birthdays, and pray for them often. It was their extremely negligent behavior which led to the loss of their children. Their behavior, and their choices, but that doesn't negate the sadness of their loss. Nor does that sadness negate the suffering their bad choices and negligent behavior caused the children.
I am thankful the children were removed from their original parents, given the circumstances, and I am very thankful those children are now part of our family.
On my children's birthdays, I do think about their biological parents and the sad circumstances of their early life. I also think of my daughter's siblings sitting there in an orphanage somewhere. It breaks my heart. My son has a sibling he will never know that was also adopted earlier. The breaking of their families is nothing but tragic. I do have compassion in my heart but I just can't dwell on it. I'm sad for the early years of my daughter's life where her mother, not once, inquired or visited her while she could. The same thing with my son. You see, I'm not without compassion for what happened in the past. I simply can't dwell on the past and must move on.
In response to Sheena's post though, I am not part of a triad nor do I dwell on that. And that was what I was trying to convey in my first response.
I think they call it "Adoption Constellation" now.
I always think Adoption Triad reminds me of the Asian Triads.
Those in open adoptions do think of their "Adoption Triads" a bit more.
Don't forget that really open adoption in domestic adoption is done for YOUR sake, not so much the bmom or baby. The powers to be in adoption realised back in the 80s that women were more inclined to relinquish their children if they could remain in their lives which is the true reason why open adoption has become the "norm" in domestic adoption. A lot less women would be placing their children if they never knew where they ended up. Of course, this also gives the powers that be in adoption an advantage bcause they can dismiss those adoptees in closed adoptions as anachronisms, except when it suits them of course.
I am now in reunion so yes, I do think of my "Triad" more often as I am putting things into persepctive. Many adoptees who have gone in reunion, EVEN THE BAD REUNIONS, are still often glad they took the plunge so that they can put things into perspective. Did I think of my bmom everyday while growing up or even in the last 40 years - no. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. I don't remember really talking about my bparents much to my aparents but I am sure they wouldn't have invalidated me if I had and, really, that is all an adoptee is asking - just not to be invalidated in feelings they might have - good or bad - just like any other human being in the world.
Btw I wouldn't have expected my aparents to think of my bparents much at all, though I would hope that they thought of them as human beings and not just as random uteri that carried their children on the way to them.
I think of my daughter's birth mother more these days. My daughter has a sad story that led her to be adopted so for many years I had a lot of resentment towards her bmother...I mean who could hurt a helpless infant? But lately I find myself counting my blessings in my first world cocoon and realize that despite what happened eventually that my daughter's bmother took care of herself during her pregnancy because my daughter is strong and healthy. So I choose to believe that there's love there and that is what I will tell my daughter.
My son's bmother I can honestly say I love from a distance and I hope to meet someday. She was a young teenager when she had him and left him a note when she brought him to the orphanage that rips at my heart. She is just now no longer a minor and when my son is old enough to understand, I will be happy to help him try to find her and establish a relationship with her.
Do I feel like I'm part of a triad? No, but I do feel like there may be other people in the world who love my kids. That's cool, love isn't a finite thing.
For those who are sure their children never think of their bmoms, what about bsiblings?
Are other children born to the bfamily siblings of your child?
We have no idea. We don't care to find out either. If they are any they live in Korea. They have their families. Our daughter isn't interested and knowing my daughter the way she is, she will never seek anything like that.She has asked if we would protect her when she was younger, and we promised that if that ever happened, we would. She does not have to meet anyone that she does not want.
When people go on these reunion searches, they have to be aware that the other people may not be looking for you. In fact, they might be dreading you.
All people must try to make peace with the circumstances of their birth if they are to be happy adults.
Two of my siblings are unhappy because they keep trying to make my father and his wife into loving, doting parents of adult children and good grandparents. ( my mother died when we were in our teens early 20s)
They are not. That is it. I don't go looking to them if I need help of any sort. They are not there and they never will be. It's the fact. So I have made peace with it. My children will not ever have grandparents at that is the way it is.
We have know idea about 1/2 sibs of my daughter. We like it this way.
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