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OH!! LOL! The problem with online sometimes is it's hard to really read in to the mood of the post. Thank you! I appreciate that. I'm sorry I took that the wrong way.
psr13: If you are doing a closed adoption, you learn about the adoptive parents, and they learn something about the donors as well, and you hear nothing until the child is old enough to look if you, the donor, agree to be found after a certain age. But, that's just a closed embryo adoption. Embryo donation, as it was explained to me, is when your embryos get sent to a facility and the doctor there chooses the couples and they hear nothing about you other than the ethnic background and maybe a couple of other details that may effect the baby-to-be. The embryo donor hears nothing and knows nothing of the the embryos once they have left the building.
Many clinics are now referring to this as embryo adoption, which is why I tend to put that phrase in quotes. Yes, the donor has no say in it, but the receiving family does get some information. Usually it is ages/professions/race/IQ type stuff, but I have come across some clinics that have pictures. That's the route that we're thinking of going.
Yes I agree you are way ahead of yourself.
Personally I think you should just decide to let some other couple have them and let the clinic do the matching, etc. Trying to pick out a couple under these circumstances would be very stressful, I have a feeling most couples who take another couples embryos would not announce that is what they are doing. Nor would they tell their children resulting from this gift they they were "adopted". I may be wrong but it seems so much different than baby adoption. Maybe not. I'm sure there are many many couples all over the world faced with this problem and some articles are available to help you make your decision easier.
As far as NC. I would contact one of the many fertility clinics in the area for guidance. Are the embryos in Cal or N.C.? The couple wanting them would want them close to them so if they are in CA you would not see or have much contact with the parents or the child. But our society is extremely mobile so who knows.
If I was going to carry a donated embryo I don't think I would want contact with bio parents.
Google Embryo Adoption and you will find doens of sites and articles.
I do think it is important to tell the child that they were born via embryo donation. There isn't enough evidence to say how children born via embryo donation would feel but there is plenty out there about Donor Conceived adults and adopted adults feel and one would imagine that ED child would fall somewhere between them. Many DC adults have stated that they are glad their parents didn't keep their DC status a secret from them and others would like to meet and/or know more about their donor - not all feel that way but one can never be sure which child will and which won't as it is usually a personality thing - not a sign of "lack of bonding".
I recommend reading articles by the Oxford Journal of Medicine re the implications of embryo adoption and donor conception, especially on the child:
I have to admit I found it really difficult to find articles that are just straight forward about what is involved and everytime I did, they ended up being Australian sites. Australia does have different guidelines and thus obviously isn't exactly the same. However, you may still find this particular site quite interesting because it really goes into the procedures in a lot of detail - also it does have some links to further information:
The other reason I included it is because of your being adopted yourself. I note that you are in contact with your bfamily but I did wonder whether embryos from adoptees from closed adoptees would be accepted (because of lack of medical history) and from the Australian site, it sounds to be as if adoptee donors with no knowledge of medical history may not be accepted into their program as their guidelines for embryo donation seem to be as strict as for egg/sperm donation (which usually including having to give very involved family histories).
In Australia, there is known (sounds similar to what Azile wants) and deidentified embryo donation (similar to what Azile's husband wants) - however, it is required by law that identifying information will be made available to the offspring at age 18 if the offspring should so wish (this does not affect embryos implanted before January 2010 so is not a privacy issue).
Last edited by susankate; 09-20-2013 at 07:12 PM..
Well, DH has decided to pursue finding his birth mother. We believe we know where she is. Hopefully she's willing to give information. We are not asking her to meet us, but if it is her, it would be nice if she were to give us some much needed information. If not, it's entirely up to her how comfortable she feels sharing information I'm sure she thought she'd never have to face later on. I don't get the feeling she wants to be found.
If this happens, then some information will at least be able to be answered. All he knows is her religion, her age at his birth, where it occurred, and her circumstance. We are really hoping to find more. He was not adopted through an agency so it really makes it difficult to find information through other means.
DH is at least comfortable with the open process as long as the adoptive parents don't live in NC. He knows there's always a chance they move, but at least we are looking at an open adoption that will happen in another state to start with. If the adoptive parents live in NC, then we may have to figure out what we are comfortable with.
I read an article about a mother who did the same thing. She and her husband were also afraid of meeting the adoptive parents of their embryos. It turned out, they felt a connection, but no bond. She didn't raise the baby in her own belly, and she saw the other mom hold the baby like her own baby. She, nor her husband, felt like that was their baby, only a family they helped out. I'm that kind of person. I think my husband may find he can see it the same way. He's actually more afraid of me seeing it as my baby and why does this mother have it. I'm honestly not like that. I'm making a conscious effort to give someone else a piece of me so they can get what I want. I'm a sharer. Always have been.
I want to commend you for the decision to give your embryos an opportunity at life!!! We were blessed with twins though embryo adoption in 2010...
We used MiraclesWaiting.org to find our donors and I highly recommend it...We had previous adopted children and completed more homestudies and post placement visits than I can count...lol...so the thought of completing another so that we could use the Embryo Agencies (Snowflakes, NEDC or Embryo Adoption Services of Cedar Park) was an expense we chose not to go through...we were also stunned by the prices these agencies (one which charged over $10K) to match the donors and recipients- legal work may have been included but that should be @ $1K...
With Miracles Waiting you pick the family and decide what is important to you...such as possible future visits, meeting before hand, traveling to your clinic for transfer, etc...
From first hand experience, I am sure there are families out there that would be thrilled to adopt your embryos whether you know your husband's background or not...
I would be more than to help you in any way possible... I just know there is the perfect program for you to have your needs met as you make this wonderful gift to another couple...Please feel free to contact me here or privately...
Yes. Nightlight charges $8000, and there is a home study in addition to that. There are also supposed to be an additional few thousand for medical fees.
Yes. Nightlight charges $8000, and there is a home study in addition to that. There are also supposed to be an additional few thousand for medical fees.
Having been involved in the embryo adoption community since 2009, those added fees can cause some couples, including myself, to look elsewhere as most have already spent a lot of money on infertility and adoption expenses...Personally, I don't understand the $8,000 administration fee...
My daughter was adopted through an open adoption, domestic infant plan. Almost nine years ago, it cost roughly around $25K. (Hotel, airfare, rental car, birth mother expenses, adoption fee). But I had looked into embryo adoption prior to domestic adoption. We chose domestic adoption for a few reasons. But mainly it was because our daughter's birth mom was in her 8th month, and 100% committed to providing her baby a good, loving home. She chose us, and we garnered a relationship prior to my daughter's birth. Also, it was because I didn't want to go through a pregnancy again.
In any case, you do what YOU feel is right. It's YOUR life. Either way, if a frozen embryo can result in a life, than they deserve a chance to live. Good luck in whatever you choose to do!!
Having been involved in the embryo adoption community since 2009, those added fees can cause some couples, including myself, to look elsewhere as most have already spent a lot of money on infertility and adoption expenses...Personally, I don't understand the $8,000 administration fee...
Yep. It's one reason why we aren't going that route.
Well, a little update. My husband and I had decided to go through with it with Nightlight. We completed the paperwork and interview (small phone convo to confirm the priorities and communication expectations). We were sent a profile and we accepted them. They live on the East coast and have been through almost the same journey as we had with trying to get pregnant.
They have just about accepted us too, but won't give the official answer until next week, but has informed us they love like us and where they want the transfer done. Sounds positive to me! They also want the open communication and will agree to whatever makes us comfortable (I want the same for them).
I am very excited about this and I'm just hoping to get the official yes next week.
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