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Has anyone adopted out frozen embryos? How did it work for you?
I have two wonderful boys as a result of IVF. The journey was long and difficult, but rewarding in the end.
I just received a noticed from the fertility clinic about the frozen embryos I still have in storage. I completely forgot about them! I feel bad about that, but now what do I do? They want me to decide on what to do. I have options. I could keep them in storage. I could terminate all or some of them (store the rest), move them to another facility, donate them to science, or donate them to another couple.
I can't afford to keep them in storage or any storage facility for that matter. I can't afford it. I am not going to use them for myself since I have all the kids I want, so storing any of them seems like a waste of money. I could terminate them, but again, all that hard work just to toss them? Seems pointless to me. So my affordable and personal choice options are to donate to science or to another couple. While I support science achievement, and I'd like to think I'm helping to cure a disease or advance scientific knowledge, helping another unfortunate couple gain the family they really want seems to be the right thing to do. I fully support adoption as I and my husband were both adopted ourselves. It just seems that I worked so hard to get these embryos that it only makes sense to help another couple and feel like I have done something good for someone else who has been through what I have. I got lucky that the IVF worked, but it doesn't work for everyone.
The question is, where do I donate them to? I have already contacted an adoption agency in California since that is a place my fertility clinic has had success with and is known to be easy to work with, but what about here in NC? I'm more open to open adoption than DH. He's OK with it, but doesn't really want contact until the child is old enough to look for us him/herself. Meanwhile, I'm good with the contact whenever it may happen, but I don't NEED the contact. I'm happy enough with letters and pictures. It's probably for the best anyway. We both are open to allowing contact at some point. We both had closed adoptions, and it worked out well for us, but I'm just too curious how things work out. If the adoption and implantation is successful, then I'd like to know how the baby (or babies) is/are doing as he and/or she grows up. I think it would be comforting. With that, it doesn't matter where they get adopted. The only thing is, if I get to the point where I have to select the parents, if it's in another state, I'll never get to meet them. Ideally, I'd like to meet them and talk with them. But, out of state, I'll only get pictures and a history of who they are. That may be enough, but I won't get a feeling of who they are. I'm comfortable enough with this not being available to me that if the place in California works out, I'll continue with the adoption using only pictures and information. I'm allowed to ask whatever questions and maybe I can talk over the phone (unsure of the phone thing, but I can do without that too)...I don't know, but I know that if I'm able to get my embryos adopted, I'll just make the best choice the best way I can. Even the best appearing couples may end up bad parents. I just have to trust my gut...This is getting WAY ahead of myself since I've only just made a phone call to get the information, but it's a BIG decision.
DH is worried what to tell our boys. He'd rather keep it quiet, but I think it's important to share. I saw what it did to my step-brothers when their full-blooded older sister walked back in their lives and they had no knowledge that she existed. They were very angry with their father. Their mother passed away, but I'm sure if she were alive, they'd feel betrayed by her too as they had shared some of their feelings about this with me. I don't blame them. I don't want that for my boys.
So sorry about the rambling, I am making this decision soon, and it's a BIG one! I want to do it right!
The Snowflake program at Nightlight Adoption Services, may also be able to help
These are closed adoptions, so your privacy will be maintained.
How wonderful that you were able to have two sons through IVF!
The OP has maintained that she wants an open adoption:
Quote:
They have just about accepted us too, but won't give the official answer until
next week, but has informed us they love like us and where they want the
transfer done. Sounds positive to me! They also want the open communication and
will agree to whatever makes us comfortable (I want the same for them).
Well, a little update. My husband and I had decided to go through with it with Nightlight. We completed the paperwork and interview (small phone convo to confirm the priorities and communication expectations). We were sent a profile and we accepted them. They live on the East coast and have been through almost the same journey as we had with trying to get pregnant.
They have just about accepted us too, but won't give the official answer until next week, but has informed us they love like us and where they want the transfer done. Sounds positive to me! They also want the open communication and will agree to whatever makes us comfortable (I want the same for them).
I am very excited about this and I'm just hoping to get the official yes next week.
I've never heard of this before your thread, and I think it's really exciting. Keep us posted!
[url=http://humanistadoptee.blogspot.com/2013_11_01_archive.html]The Humanist Adoptee: November 2013[/url]
Embryo Adoption (as it is rightly called) is a fertilized egg with no genetic match to either parent being born to people often who otherwise do not qualify for traditional adoption. This can be due to age, lack of funds ect. Even though the child will be born to the mother it will not look like either parent and be no different to a baby adopted at birth.
The donor family is usually a husband and wife who froze eggs due to cost and saving the mother from another extraction. When they have conceived all of the children they wish to have, a surplus is left over. The new term for this is "snowflake baby". They feel they don't wish to donate them to science or otherwise destroy them so they are placed for adoption. Contact between the families can be open or closed. Laws are not in place yet to oversee this.
The lack of knowledge of and definite relationship to one's genealogy, “genealogical bewildermentâ€, and which can result in the stunting of emotional development in adopted children and can lead them to irrational rebellion against their adoptive parents and the world as a whole. Ignorance about their personal origin made adolescence more of a strain for adopted children than other children and genealogical bewilderment is a factor which frequently appears to be present in adoption stress.
Several other researchers found a predilection for impulsive behavior and acting out, antisocial symptoms in adopted children at birth. Adopted children often go through a stage of feeling like an outsider. He may fantasize about the person he would have been had he been raised by his "real " family. The child will think about his genetic parents everyday. This is true with knowing the parents and without in open and closed adoptions. When the child is asked who she looks like or how many brother or sisters he has. His cultural heritage may not be the same and his medical history will not match the parents.As the child becomes an adolescent he will have great difficulty establishing a sense of self because he will have no sense of his true history or heritage. He will not know who is supposed to be because he will not know his true origins if the adoption is closed or semi open. Not knowing another biological relative makes one feel like a misfit. The first relative most adoptees meet is their own child. The birth of a child in an adoptees life always brings the question..."how could I give this baby away"?
How would a person feel to know that they were not needed by their original family? That somewhere there is a loving mom, dad and full blood siblings that get to grow up with them while the child is born to a world where he or she should be grateful they were not destroyed. Would the donor mother feel the same if she carried the child to term and gave him away or is it a disconnection from a group of cells in a freezer? What if the child is abused or not told they are adopted? What if the adoptive family does not honor the open agreement?
The major issue here is cost. In most instances it is cheaper to create extra embryos and cheaper to adopt an embryo than a child. The Catholic Church is also debating this topic.In 2008, the Vatican released a major document on bioethics, “Dignitas Personae†(“The Dignity of a Personâ€), that reiterated the Catholic view that embryos should not be created in the lab and frozen, but added that embryo adoption is also not allowed. It is, the document said, “a situation of injustice which in fact cannot be resolved.†In the United States, Congress and the Bush administration gave $1 million to promote embryo adoption.
Embryo donation is legally considered a property transfer and not an adoption by state laws. However, Georgia enacted a statute called the "Option of Adoption Act" in 2009 which provided a procedure for couples to become eligible for the federal Adoption Tax Credit.
Embryo adoption is implanting cells which could not grow on their own. If not for artificial means would die on their own. They were intentionally created in a lab and can remain frozen indefinitely."All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights and are entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status." There will be no original birth certificate or hospital record should the donor recipient decide to not tell the person he or she is not adopted. If there is a flood, fire or unexpected death the identity of the adopted person's ancestors will be lost forever. Not telling people they are adopted is a bad practice. Less than 5 % of adoptions are closed. The sealing of birth records is a short lived, bad practice that caused unnecessary suffering.
There is also a new way to choose the donor egg and donor sperm thus intentionally creating an orphan with no intention of ever being used for the genetic parents. If your personal or religious views support embryo donation as an alternative to destroying the embryo you must consider that creating a human being with no relation to either parent in a closed adoption who wouldn't exist otherwise is morally wrong and reprehensible. Enter the "designer baby" who is destined to be top of the class, excel in math, and have hair, eyes and other physical characteristics that fit his or her parents' wish list.The main objection to the procedure is that it opens the door to a world of unethical possibilities. A very slippery slope for future generations.
Adopted children face loss in the most loving of homes. Our ancestors and family history help give us a sense of belonging and define who we are. Adoption is a life-long issue that deals with identity and the broken thread of family continuity. Being adopted is not always a better life, but a different one. One must decide if embryo donation is adoption or it isn't. If the embryo is a person for abortion issues it must have the same rights for embryo donation issues. One must put their own wants and needs aside and consider the dignity of an adopted person even if he or she is only in the beginning stages of life.
The dignity of many people are not based only on genetics. Some people, adopted or not, are not interested in genealogy, ethnicity, and biology. I don't base my self worth upon the achievements of my parents or grandparents. Similarly, I know of individuals who were adopted from abusive, sociopaths and dysfunctional families who do not feel any shame or guilt about those with they happen to share their DNA.
I think embryo donation is a wonderful way to build a family. It is my hope that is remains a discrete, and private arrangement between prospective parents and those who, through fertility treatments have an abundance of embryos.
Well, we are still looking. In fact, we are in the process of switching to a new company. We liked Nightlight/Snowflakes, but my doctor who was holding our embryos for free is running out of room and needs to move the embryos or we need to pay for the space we are taking up. We can't afford it. But we found another company who will take the embryos to their own facility and we don't have to pay for them. They will do an open adoption as well. They run things differently, but really, that's not that important. We just want to find a family with similar values to our own and give these embies a chance at life. We are now going with the NEDC. I'm hoping this will work out!
LittleWanderer: Thank you for posting that. Like I may have mentioned before, I too was adopted (live birth adoption) and it was a closed adoption. One of the big differences between an embryo adoption and a live birth adoption is that when and if the child is informed they were adopted through either method, with live birth, it often comes up as to why they weren't wanted. The birth mother went through all that labor just to give up the child to someone else. An embryo adoption means all those embryos were wanted by the birth mother, but not all were used. There wasn't any long 9 months of growth and then a decision to give up the child was made, it's more about random selection and now wanting the fertilized eggs to have a chance at a life through another couple who so desperately wants a family of their own. Both methods are selfless, but one is a little less about rejecting a child. A child born from an embryo adoption tends to feel more loved by both families, where as often the live birth adoptions tend to be more strained and stressful due to the many reasons a mother and ore couple may choose not to keep that child for themselves.
I for one would have liked to know more about where I came from earlier in my childhood. I was raised very well by my mother and never felt the need to be with my birth family, but it would have been nice to know more about who I was and where I came from. I felt like a mystery. Luckily for me, I looked like my adoptive family. My DH, however, was adopted too (closed and direct from birth mother to adoptive parents with no agency) and looks nothing like his family. He too has been curious. All he knows is his birth mother was underage and not in a relationship. I had an agency to go through and finding my birth family was easier. I just wanted information, but I met my birth father and some other members of his family and my birth mother's family (birth mother had died before I met her). I learned a lot through meeting them, but I did stir up some hard emotions by meeting them. I did help by helping with closure for my birth grandmother and helping my birth father find closure on his wife's death. But, it was hard for my cousin and eventually hard on my birth father. I had to let things go. Had it been an open adoption with more communication between either families between me and DH, I think things may have been easier for all of us.
That is why my husband and I are pursuing an open adoption with these embryos. Neither of us will be the parents of any children born of our embryos, but we will be available for information and a connection to where the child came from and who they are.
I congratulate you for wanting an open adoption for your embryos. I truly believe it is the best for all involved. Have you considered locating a match privately?
It's been a bit of a process changing companies. Nightlight was very understanding when I told them I had to leave. That to me was scary. I don't know why, but I was dreading it. NEDC was going through a little staff change when I was in the middle of filling out paperwork. That took a while only because I was dragging my feet. Filling out the paperwork was actually much easier than Nightlight's paperwork. Much fewer questions. DH was dreading the bloodwork, but overall, it was all very easy. Now, we are just waiting for my fertility clinic to send in all the necessary reports. Then a few weeks after that, someone will come pick up my embryos and the matching will begin.
It works differently than Nightlight. Nightlight send one profile to the donors. They say yes first, then the potential adopters are notified and can make their final response (yes or no). If either say no, then another match is made hopefully at a later time. The new place seems to show the adopters the profiles first and they chose who they are interested in and then if we are, we are then notified and can make the decision if we accept or not as donors to the hopeful couple. It works either way. Nightlight makes the donors write a 3 page essay with 5-15 pictures included and an introductory letter to the potential couple. NEDC only suggests it to make matching easier. Profiles and pictures are optional, but the potential adopters often ask for pictures and some sort of profile anyway in order to make their decision. I sent in my introductory letter and a couple of pictures anyway. I figured if I were in their place, I'd want to know more about the donors especially if I were considering an open adoption. I'd want to have some idea of what my potential children may look like...not that it really matters what the child looks like, but I'm a curious person and I'd like to know if the possible future child(ren) may resemble my own family at all. I know it made things easier on me to be able to see some similarity with my own adoptive family. My adoptive family all have green or blue eyes and are on the shorter side with brown hair. My DH, on the other hand, looks nothing like his adoptive family, but his adoption circumstance was different than mine, and he did not go through an agency like I did where someone might be able to help match the birth parents with the potential adoptive family based on overall appearances.
I'm very hopeful NEDC will be able to find a match for my embryos. It's actually a little stressful to me to know they are just sitting around and not being used at all. I know the fertility clinic is getting restless holding them this long. I'm just extremely grateful my doctor is being patient and super generous holding them for me at his clinic at no cost while the adoption process is proceeding. My 7 embies don't take up a lot of room, but that is precious room for someone else's embryos that may be getting used at his clinic.
Still waiting to hear about a match. In a way, I preferred Nightlight's way of doing things. They sent us the potential matches first before showing the potential recipients. I felt I had more control. But this way works too. The couples looking for an embryo to adopt look through potential matches, pick out ones they like and then the donors get the profiles and hopefully a match is made.
Had money not been such an issue for us, I personally would have considered a more direct, open adoption. However, my husband may have been a problem there since he did not want to have too much contact with the recipients. I am completely open to whatever the recipients want with contact and communication. So I had to compromise. Going through an agency was just the best way to accomplish that compromise.
I just hope that one day, someone will choose our embryos. I hate knowing they are just sitting around frozen, and not given that chance to live.
I guess I would like to know that part of my life and our decision to put our embryos up for adoption is going forward to the next step.
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Listing of Frozen Embryo Profiles
