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I went to visit my Son whom I gave up through a lawyer. My son is now 18. The mother whom I put a lot of trust had kicked him out. She told me I should take him back. I just left a horrible 10 year relationship and have a 16 year old Son who is very balanced. I was put on the spot and ended up taking him to keep him off the streets. I feel very betrayed and because of emotional attachments I was put in a situation that is not fair at all. Now he is living with my ex because I have no where for him to stay he has issues my other kids don,t have. I have very little money. If this would have happened at any other time I would have been okay even thrilled. I feel overwhelmed and it has put major stress. it took a lot for be to find the strength to rebuild my life and I have a 7 year old child.
As someone who has worked with children in foster care, an adoptive parent who seeks to eliminate a child's bonds to his/her birth family is misguided, IMO. It is not for the adoptive parent to decide the nature of that bond. There is a reason for the saying "blood is thicker than water." Its because regardless of how abusive or neglectful a child's parents were/are they are still their parents. There is a connection there, and in all likelihood, a child will spend the rest of his/her life coming to terms with that connection and how they feel about it. Its not a "once and done" type thing. The way a child feels about being adopted at age thirteen will be quite different than how he/she feels at age 20, and age 30.
Each adopted child is going to be different. But with the internet now, and websites like 23andme, and kids being involved with technology at younger and younger ages.... it just gets easier and easier for kids to explore the curiosity about the parents they were born to (and all of the other biological relatives they may have). And even a child who may decide they don't want any contact with them will probably go through a phase where they do have curiosity. I think every adoptive parent needs to not only expect this, but plan for it, so that they can find a way to navigate it in a way that allows the child to maintain a relationship with both- if that is what the child wants.
I knew a woman who gave up her baby at birth back in the 60's when women were commonly pressured to do that. Over the years, she tried to search for her daughter. Thanks to the internet, she finally located her. By this time, the woman was in her 60's. They made contact and eventually became quite close. The daughter loved her adoptive mother, but when she had the opportunity to form a relationship with the woman who gave birth to her, she wanted that as well. Even though she had spent the first 40+ years of her life without a shred of info about her.
Should she have rejected her birth mother just because her adoptive mother raised her? Whose decision should that be? That is the real heart of the question here: who gets to decide who a child considers "family"?
This. I will add that often the underlying need adoptive parents have to eliminate or block the natural family with the adoptee stems from a insecurity and jealousy of the natural parents. "Open" adoptions are often done in name only to start or rather secure the possibility the natural mother will relinquish her child, and then after a little time passes adoptive parents renege on the open terms and begin to restrict more and more or altogether cut off the natural mother.
This. I will add that often the underlying need adoptive parents have to eliminate or block the natural family with the adoptee stems from a insecurity and jealousy of the natural parents. "Open" adoptions are often done in name only to start or rather secure the possibility the natural mother will relinquish her child, and then after a little time passes adoptive parents renege on the open terms and begin to restrict more and more or altogether cut off the natural mother.
I usually don't respond on these threads, but I feel I have to say something about this characterization. I pursued an international adoption (which was unsuccessful due to the agency's criminal behavior/investigation by the FBI, but that is another topic.) I did a lot of research about foster to adopt before deciding on a very costly and ultimately painful process overseas. I would have much preferred a foster care adoption for a whole host of reasons. But I decided against it. Why? Because of open adoption.
There was no "jealousy or insecurity" in my reason for rejection. At all. It was simply this-- a child from US foster care is not put there 99% of the time because they are the offspring of loving, mature, stable adults. The parents have issues. Serious issues. Drug abuse, criminal behavior, poverty, history of abuse themselves, mental and/or physical diseases, you name it. Simply put, I have organized my adult life around being healthy and stable so that I could be a good parent myself. I have excised drama, hate, criminal behavior and extreme risk taking from my circle of friends and acquaintances. Why on earth would I willingly open myself up to decades or a lifetime of relationship with people who represent the exact opposite of the life that I have created for my loved ones? Why let that toxicity inside of what will no doubt be an extremely challenging parenting situation even without it?
No matter how much I love a child and want that child to be whole, to be free to find out who they are, I refuse to sacrifice my own well being for an irresponsible adult who can't get themselves together. In an open situation, I would have very little choice in the matter. I might get lucky and meet the rare BP who is just young and without resources, but that seems to be an almost mythical being.
So in short, I would love to give a home to a child. I would be very open to that child developing whatever relationship they choose with their birth family. I, however, do not want to be forced to interact with this family. I want to be free to develop whatever relationship I choose with any birth family and not have a court or state representative dictate to me what those terms might be. Just as I would never dictate to a child what relationship they should or shouldn't have with the people who brought them into the world. I am not interested in filling my life with the trials and tribulations of troubled adults. And therefore, I would not put myself in an adoptive situation where I have to make room for this.
So in your maturity you're only able to have interactions with those on the same "level" as yourself? Another afterthought is regarding birthparents being mythical creatures- interesting. I can think of adoptive parents who may have been older and had accomplished careers... and, were the scum of the earth. Recall a highly educated couple well off and older, adopted a little girl and turned her into a punching bag, she died. Apparently degrees and older age doesn't equate to better parenting.
Another scum of the earth couple adopted a child, who had some difficulties emotionally due to-- big surprise- trauma of adoption, difficulty with attachment and bonding- I wonder why-- they demanded the agency take her back, thus leaving her doubly messed up psychologically. Gee, thanks so much for that. Obviously I hope it goes without saying there's plenty of adoptive parents who aren't scum of the earth. A few are truly outstanding, most probably fall somewhere in the middle- but young age and even being poor does not mean a couple will not be able to be decent or even excellent parents.
I usually don't respond on these threads, but I feel I have to say something about this characterization. I pursued an international adoption (which was unsuccessful due to the agency's criminal behavior/investigation by the FBI, but that is another topic.) I did a lot of research about foster to adopt before deciding on a very costly and ultimately painful process overseas. I would have much preferred a foster care adoption for a whole host of reasons. But I decided against it. Why? Because of open adoption.
There was no "jealousy or insecurity" in my reason for rejection. At all. It was simply this-- a child from US foster care is not put there 99% of the time because they are the offspring of loving, mature, stable adults. The parents have issues. Serious issues. Drug abuse, criminal behavior, poverty, history of abuse themselves, mental and/or physical diseases, you name it. Simply put, I have organized my adult life around being healthy and stable so that I could be a good parent myself. I have excised drama, hate, criminal behavior and extreme risk taking from my circle of friends and acquaintances. Why on earth would I willingly open myself up to decades or a lifetime of relationship with people who represent the exact opposite of the life that I have created for my loved ones? Why let that toxicity inside of what will no doubt be an extremely challenging parenting situation even without it?
No matter how much I love a child and want that child to be whole, to be free to find out who they are, I refuse to sacrifice my own well being for an irresponsible adult who can't get themselves together. In an open situation, I would have very little choice in the matter. I might get lucky and meet the rare BP who is just young and without resources, but that seems to be an almost mythical being.
So in short, I would love to give a home to a child. I would be very open to that child developing whatever relationship they choose with their birth family. I, however, do not want to be forced to interact with this family. I want to be free to develop whatever relationship I choose with any birth family and not have a court or state representative dictate to me what those terms might be. Just as I would never dictate to a child what relationship they should or shouldn't have with the people who brought them into the world. I am not interested in filling my life with the trials and tribulations of troubled adults. And therefore, I would not put myself in an adoptive situation where I have to make room for this.
Are you sure about that 99%? Do you really think that poverty is an issue that should prevent someone from parenting? It is certainly your prerogative not to adopt from the foster care system but please refrain from broadly depicting the majority of natural parents with kids in foster care as drug addicts and criminals to justify your reluctance.
Are you sure about that 99%? Do you really think that poverty is an issue that should prevent someone from parenting? It is certainly your prerogative not to adopt from the foster care system but please refrain from broadly depicting the majority of natural parents with kids in foster care as drug addicts and criminals to justify your reluctance.
I have also had very extensive conversations with case workers in three different states about open adoption from foster care. These kids aren't there because they have great parents with tragic circumstances like some movie or Lemony Snicket book. Its too much for me to take on raising a child AND dealing with the sorts of baggage that the parents bring to an open adoption. It takes the right kind of person. I know that its not me. I applaud others who have been able to successfully navigate that.
I usually don't respond on these threads, but I feel I have to say something about this characterization. I pursued an international adoption (which was unsuccessful due to the agency's criminal behavior/investigation by the FBI, but that is another topic.) I did a lot of research about foster to adopt before deciding on a very costly and ultimately painful process overseas. I would have much preferred a foster care adoption for a whole host of reasons. But I decided against it. Why? Because of open adoption.
There was no "jealousy or insecurity" in my reason for rejection. At all. It was simply this-- a child from US foster care is not put there 99% of the time because they are the offspring of loving, mature, stable adults. The parents have issues. Serious issues. Drug abuse, criminal behavior, poverty, history of abuse themselves, mental and/or physical diseases, you name it. Simply put, I have organized my adult life around being healthy and stable so that I could be a good parent myself. I have excised drama, hate, criminal behavior and extreme risk taking from my circle of friends and acquaintances. Why on earth would I willingly open myself up to decades or a lifetime of relationship with people who represent the exact opposite of the life that I have created for my loved ones? Why let that toxicity inside of what will no doubt be an extremely challenging parenting situation even without it?
No matter how much I love a child and want that child to be whole, to be free to find out who they are, I refuse to sacrifice my own well being for an irresponsible adult who can't get themselves together. In an open situation, I would have very little choice in the matter. I might get lucky and meet the rare BP who is just young and without resources, but that seems to be an almost mythical being.
So in short, I would love to give a home to a child. I would be very open to that child developing whatever relationship they choose with their birth family. I, however, do not want to be forced to interact with this family. I want to be free to develop whatever relationship I choose with any birth family and not have a court or state representative dictate to me what those terms might be. Just as I would never dictate to a child what relationship they should or shouldn't have with the people who brought them into the world. I am not interested in filling my life with the trials and tribulations of troubled adults. And therefore, I would not put myself in an adoptive situation where I have to make room for this.
For anyone reading this, open adoption is not a requirement. The legal guardian has the say so, in the child's interest. Adopting some else's child, means by default a relationship with the first family, for which a child cannot and should not be around their first parents unless safe to do.
For anyone reading this, open adoption is not a requirement. The legal guardian has the say so, in the child's interest. Adopting some else's child, means by default a relationship with the first family, for which a child cannot and should not be around their first parents unless safe to do.
Every single social worker I spoke to in foster care asked for some degree of openness in adoption. Again, I had gone so far as a home study and talked to people in 3 states. One child we were interested in had BOTH parents incarcerated but the state still wanted an "open" adoption so that they could write letters with the possibility of visits both before and after the parents were released. Many kids in foster care have siblings who are not "in the system" that live with other family or one of the parents. In these cases, there is also a requirement for "open" adoption. Heck, some social workers I spoke to wanted a family with a particular religious belief system, number and type of pets, number and age of other kids in the home, TYPE of home (SFH instead of a townhouse!), racial and ethnic makeup etc. One remarked after reviewing home photos that she "didn't like all the light colors because it looks too hard to keep clean." (Huh?) Social workers run the show on the type of match the child gets (or doesn't) and basically ask for their ideal.Some of them have really interesting ideas about what is in the child's best interest. Most are underpaid and overwhelmed. And some have personal agendas that have nothing to do with finding a kid a good home and allowing them to become productive adults. Forcing the new family into a relationship with the bio family is typically part of that ideal many SW espouse or at least has been with the individuals I have spoken with. And some families are ready for that. We weren't.
I would be very curious to hear from others who had "closed" adoptions through foster care, just FYI. I know several people who adopted from the US FC system and to a person they all have a requirement for some degree of contact with the bio parents. In some cases this is just a letter once a year with a pic. In most, its an actual visit.
I am the birth mother to two girls, recently when my eldest daughter turned 18 I reached out to her. I have had 12 years sober and do not blame anyone except myself for what happened. There was never abuse on my part and my eldest was adopted at 6 years old. Since I reached out to her we have had communication for about a year now and she has moved into our home with her bf now and is making a life for themselves here. There is a bond that was never lost and now that I have my life together it is just such an amazibg thing in all our lives. God does some pretty amazing things. And in all of this I have maintained contact with her other mother and it seems she is so upset about our daughter being here. I try and talk with her about how much love and respect I have for her but I know she is hurting. I never wanted to hurt anyone especially not the woman who loved and cared for these girls when I failed. It’s hard waters to maneuver for sure but everything I do is out of love. Just wanted to add another side to this thread and tell you all that someone will be hurt, parents feel like they are the only ones that a child has and adoption legalizes that. I can’t speak for all birthmothers only for myself and I have never stopped thinking about the girls, me getting my life straight was driven very deeply by wanting to be someone they could be proud of when and if I ever got to see them again. Losing your child due to your own weeknesses is one of the worst feelings a mother can have. And seeing those feelings in your innocent child is ever worse than that.
So as far as I have figured, her other mama is upset and feels replaced and that is so sad. I encourage our daughter to keep her mama in the loop with her life. I want her to know she doesn’t have to choose sides she can have both of us. I don’t know how this will all work out I just know that I consider the girls other family just as my own family, I love and respect them so very much. And when they hurt I hurt too. Maybe I could use someone else’s perspective on this whole thing.
As someone who has worked with children in foster care, an adoptive parent who seeks to eliminate a child's bonds to his/her birth family is misguided, IMO. It is not for the adoptive parent to decide the nature of that bond. There is a reason for the saying "blood is thicker than water." Its because regardless of how abusive or neglectful a child's parents were/are they are still their parents. There is a connection there, and in all likelihood, a child will spend the rest of his/her life coming to terms with that connection and how they feel about it. Its not a "once and done" type thing. The way a child feels about being adopted at age thirteen will be quite different than how he/she feels at age 20, and age 30.
Each adopted child is going to be different. But with the internet now, and websites like 23andme, and kids being involved with technology at younger and younger ages.... it just gets easier and easier for kids to explore the curiosity about the parents they were born to (and all of the other biological relatives they may have). And even a child who may decide they don't want any contact with them will probably go through a phase where they do have curiosity. I think every adoptive parent needs to not only expect this, but plan for it, so that they can find a way to navigate it in a way that allows the child to maintain a relationship with both- if that is what the child wants.
I knew a woman who gave up her baby at birth back in the 60's when women were commonly pressured to do that. Over the years, she tried to search for her daughter. Thanks to the internet, she finally located her. By this time, the woman was in her 60's. They made contact and eventually became quite close. The daughter loved her adoptive mother, but when she had the opportunity to form a relationship with the woman who gave birth to her, she wanted that as well. Even though she had spent the first 40+ years of her life without a shred of info about her.
Should she have rejected her birth mother just because her adoptive mother raised her? Whose decision should that be? That is the real heart of the question here: who gets to decide who a child considers "family"?
Speaking as an adoptee (62 years of age and finding bio families) I agree with your assessment and point of view. I personally believe based on my experience and knowing other adoptees, most of us want to know our roots. Its instinctive and should be supported no matter what. It is our right to know.
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