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Many know their roots and have no desire to return to them. Children adopted from foster care have been in so many Foster placements while the powers that be strive for the reunification of a family that never was.
I volunteer as a mentor with older children in the system. Most of the most promising - the ones I get - are afraid of aging out, want to go to college and have no interest in "Bio-Mom". That would be the lady from whom they were removed at 3 or 5 and who repeatedly failed them.
Termination should have happened earlier, in so many cases. By the time kids are available for adoption they are in their early teens, bruised and battered by mom and her boy friends - and a system that cares only for "Bio-Mom".
We are the birth parents. We gave our daughter up for adoption at birth (open adoption). We are not drug dealers, felons, abusive... Just poor and wanted a better life for her. Well for a few months we got to see pics and get phone calls. After a while yes they told her she was adopted but also they told her a bunch of lies about us so she wouldn't try to contact us ever... She was told that we wanted to abort her and they saved her from that horrible fate and she was told that I do drugs... I cant even stand to take pain meds prescribed to me... She is 12 now and talks to me, my husband, and her half sister on Facebook and she sees pics of her little brother. She says that once she turns 18 she plans to come to us...
We are the birth parents. We gave our daughter up for adoption at birth (open adoption). We are not drug dealers, felons, abusive... Just poor and wanted a better life for her. Well for a few months we got to see pics and get phone calls. After a while yes they told her she was adopted but also they told her a bunch of lies about us so she wouldn't try to contact us ever... She was told that we wanted to abort her and they saved her from that horrible fate and she was told that I do drugs... I cant even stand to take pain meds prescribed to me... She is 12 now and talks to me, my husband, and her half sister on Facebook and she sees pics of her little brother. She says that once she turns 18 she plans to come to us...
Was this child relinquished to a private agency or to foster care? Most healthy infants do not go through the foster care system, but are adopted from an agency such as Spence-Chapin in NYC. Alternatively, they are adopted through a private adoption, involving an attorney.
Twelve years ago, voluntary relinquishment of a healthy child was not usual. I am not saying that it never occurred, but it was certainly "atypical". Once, perhaps 50 or 60 years ago, voluntary relinquishments of children born to parents who are not prepared to care for them, were not uncommon. Particularly with "illegitimate" births. That is the exception now, rather than the rule. Today, there is less of a stigma in many circles.
I find it odd that you recently joined City Data, and have posted this. What a coincidence!
The whole post sounds implausible to me. Statistically, most children relinquished at birth do not attempt to contact their biological parents at age 12.
Birth parents whose children are removed involuntarily are not removed at birth. So, I am not sure what your post has to do with the topic at hand.
There are so many aspects of your post that would make those of us who are familiar with adoption practices doubt it's veracity.
Years ago, there were a spate of anti-adoption posts with the usual "10" rep points on this forum. Perhaps I am wrong, but this post certainly seems like one of those posts.
If it were true, you are doing her nothing good by hiding your communication from her adoptive parents. And I would be careful believing a 12 year old and their stories of "lies".
As a former social worker the older a child is the harder the adjustment to being adopted. Open adoptions work better in the long term. Severely abused kids may never bond to anyone. Visiting birth parents really depends on each individual situation. In some cases it would be extremely painful or even dangerous. No one size fits all adoptions.
We are the birth parents. We gave our daughter up for adoption at birth (open adoption). We are not drug dealers, felons, abusive... Just poor and wanted a better life for her. Well for a few months we got to see pics and get phone calls. After a while yes they told her she was adopted but also they told her a bunch of lies about us so she wouldn't try to contact us ever... She was told that we wanted to abort her and they saved her from that horrible fate and she was told that I do drugs... ...
These types of lies are very typical and common. My friend who was adopted, was told by his adoptive parents, that his birth mother was "mentally retarded", which turned out to be completely false. He found his mother once he became an adult.
It was a private adoption through an attorney she was not involuntary removed it was decided before she was born that she was going to be adopted. She was only hiding conversation from her adopted mom not her adopted dad who is fully supportive of her communicating with us and even meeting us.
If it were true, you are doing her nothing good by hiding your communication from her adoptive parents. And I would be careful believing a 12 year old and their stories of "lies".
I agree. This clandestine relationship of two adults and an child - who is NOT your own, is inappropriate on so many levels.
IF indeed this is going on, the interlopers should STOP IMMEDIATELY.
Hanging out with other people's children is not normal.
As a former social worker the older a child is the harder the adjustment to being adopted. Open adoptions work better in the long term. Severely abused kids may never bond to anyone. Visiting birth parents really depends on each individual situation. In some cases it would be extremely painful or even dangerous. No one size fits all adoptions.
They do not work well for everyone involved all the time, Personally, I think they are in the "best interest" of one party - the birth mother.
I have seen many confused children and angry adolescents, with too many "relatives", mixed messages, and little security.
Additionally, how many of those adoption reunions actually go well? I personally know of several individuals who were terribly disappointed after meeting "Bio-Mom".
Another met her "Bio-Mom" in a diner, and was asked to leave her and her children alone.
At least they all left with renewed appreciation of their parents. The people who raised them.
They do not work well for everyone involved all the time, Personally, I think they are in the "best interest" of one party - the birth mother.
I have seen many confused children and angry adolescents, with too many "relatives", mixed messages, and little security.
Additionally, how many of those adoption reunions actually go well? I personally know of several individuals who were terribly disappointed after meeting "Bio-Mom".
Another met her "Bio-Mom" in a diner, and was asked to leave her and her children alone.
At least they all left with renewed appreciation of their parents. The people who raised them.
I think that is why my niece has opted to not meet her birth mother thus far, although it has always been an option open to her with the blessing and assistance of my sister and BIL.
She knows she was conceived in a rehab. She knows her birth mother gave up another child after her and then lost custody of two more she'd opted to keep. She has no illusions about "Bio-Mom", and while she said she wouldn't mind doing a "drive-by" to find out what she looks like, she is not sure she will benefit from having this person's acquaintance. She has always appreciated and is close to her adoptive parents. She's 31 now, and still hasn't made a move to contact her biological mother.
Interestingly, all she ever knew of her bio dad was "Dark-skinned black male named Jim". But she had her DNA done last year, and she shows up related to a family in the town where she was born. This town is also where her adoptive father was born, and and his sister, who still lives there, knows who that family is. That is her apparently her bio-father's family. He may not even be aware he fathered a child.
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