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If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be struggling to care for myself as he is unable to do so. Physically, now. But self-absorbed all along.
But this is not about whether he could or couldn't do it. It is about how I can.
I have no intention of leaving him. But I'm curious about something:
Is it men posting all these, "You can't dump him now. You agreed to this when you married him and now you're stuck." ?
Told ya!
They'd be OUT THE DOOR If they could afford to hire cute little young nurse-and-housekeeper types.
EDIT: I have a snowbird neighbor couple. When they arrived and the husband is sitting out on the (shared) atrium (he plants his butt there 3-4 hours per day)...he says to her "When are you going to sweep this atrium?" And she runs out with the broom and sweeps the atrium, the STEPS and the DOWNSTAIRS PEOPLE'S walkways.
LMFAO WHAT? I go "OH does the broom only operate for HER fingerprints????"
That guy would last 48 hours with me.
Furthermore all these "vow breaking" admonitions are full of crap because it's ALWAYS the "other" spouse who's broken the vows FIRST. The spirit of a marriage vow is a TWO WAY STREET and also never ever ever supposed to be a ticket to slavery - at least in OUR culture.
The word HONOR in those vows is a very broad term.
Last edited by huitrecouture; 10-22-2021 at 07:40 AM..
While adult children can, and often do, help for a short time, over the long term it is old women caring for old men. Rarely the other way around. '
I've been in and out of medical settings now for several years. I can't recall ever seeing an old woman in a wheelchair being pushed around by an old man.
I will say that I do know men who have cared for their wives. My dad cared for my mom who had Alzheimers' for about 17 years. My dad also has 2 friends whose wives are in fragile health and the men are the ones doing everything for them. So it happens.
HOWEVER it is largely due to the fact that daughters are not really available full time to help. I work full time so I could only really help out on weekends and evenings, and these other men have daughters who live out of town. Their sons who are local just don't help.
But the OP mentioned nothing about dementia, or being on the spectrum. Many people have hip and knee problems like the OP`s husband. That is no reason to give the poor guy the boot.
She never said she was giving him the boot. Where are you getting this from? She simply says she sees that her future is going to be much different then she had thought it would be and is having a hard time coping with it. It is HARD to care for someone and most especially when you're no longer in love with the person.
It's not "just" hip or knee problems, he is probably like me, riddled with degenerative problems that are now coming one after another. I know I will be crippled with arthritis one day.
This specific forum is not supposed to be a place of judgement. I think it's shameful. People are allowed to be sad about a reality of life. It doesn't mean she doesn't take her commitment seriously.
We have made the decision to move to a one-level home with less to take care of.
Naturally, I'm the one packing, hiring contractors, ... as he's clear he's not able to do any of this.
That's sounds like a smart decision. It might be good to try and find a home that is wheelchair accessible with a shower with grab bars that is easy for him to get in and out of, wider doors so that the wheelchair can fit through, easy entrance into the home.
The easier he can navigate around the house, himself, the more independent he can be.
When my husband was wheelchair bound for a few months (could not bare any weight on either leg), we lived in a split foyer. Not fun.
I am hopeful that the hip replacement surgery will eliminate his constant pain and allow him to regain his mobility. Fingers crossed.
I've loved this man for over 50 years. We've raised a family together. Regardless of how overwhelmed I am at the moment, I'm not going to dump him now. Good grief.
I'm asking for advice on how to go forward. Moving into a retirement community might be just the ticket. He would have others to chat with, there would be activities, etc., ...
I'm not leaving him. I'm trying to figure out how to do not dread this next stage of our lives.
Ok, then. GET PREPARED. Think out all the possibilities and make provisions to carry them out. Being prepared helps ease anxiety (and you don't even really know yet how things are going to turn out).
Get plenty of rest, exercise and eat well. This should go without saying.
And I read somewhere recently this advice (not verbatim)....when everything seems to be falling apart and you don't know what to do, strive to be the person that everyone looks to to hold it together. The strong one, the loving one, the one that isn't going to fall apart. Just taking that perspective on it puts you on a trajectory to overcome whatever the troubles are.
I hope this makes sense. I know you will find a way through this.
Ok, then. GET PREPARED. Think out all the possibilities and make provisions to carry them out. Being prepared helps ease anxiety (and you don't even really know yet how things are going to turn out).
Get plenty of rest, exercise and eat well. This should go without saying.
And I read somewhere recently this advice (not verbatim)....when everything seems to be falling apart and you don't know what to do, strive to be the person that everyone looks to to hold it together. The strong one, the loving one, the one that isn't going to fall apart. Just taking that perspective on it puts you on a trajectory to overcome whatever the troubles are.
I hope this makes sense. I know you will find a way through this.
I say fix the environment so that you don't have to be so darned strong. There is no reason why Op's husband can't do for himself more in the right environment. He needs a certain amount of assistance and since his mobility is limited, Op can make sure that he is safely in/out of the shower and comfortably situated before she goes out to her Yoga group (or whatever). She doesn't need to be hovering around him adjusting the blinds just so and fetching him things 24/7. He's not so far gone that he can't do some things for himself. Let him figure some things out for himself.
I say fix the environment so that you don't have to be so darned strong. There is no reason why Op's husband can't do for himself more in the right environment. He needs a certain amount of assistance and since his mobility is limited, Op can make sure that he is safely in/out of the shower and comfortably situated before she goes out to her Yoga group (or whatever). She doesn't need to be hovering around him adjusting the blinds just so and fetching him things 24/7. He's not so far gone that he can't do some things for himself. Let him figure some things out for himself.
I agree with this, too, for sure. If you do everything for someone, sometimes they just 'give up' and you'll be waiting on them hand and foot for the rest of your life.
I'm on the fence regarding my soon to be 86 year old mother. Living by herself with physical limitations. Family close by seem to be wrapped up in their own lives and never stop by. The upstairs apartment always had 1 of the siblings living there. But now they all have their own homes, so the apartment sits empty. She's hundreds of miles away from me. It might be time for me to do the right thing and move back home. It's not what I'd like to do but it may be the morally correct thing to do.
Look for an empathetic college or grad student to rent that apt at less that normal as part of watching out for your mon
Or someone similar
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