Dreading taking care of husband. Need advice. (siblings, family, mother)
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Due to various mishaps during recreational activities, my husband has a number of orthopedic issues. I've cared for him through several knee and hip surgeries, and soon hip replacement surgery. The handwriting is on the wall.
I dread the future. I had not imagined that my retirement years would be spent caring for a semi-invalid.
Every time I take him to a medical or PT appointment, I see all these old women pushing old men around in wheelchairs, walking slowly alongside an old man shuffling behind a walker, ...
We've had an okay marriage, but nothing that would warrant years of this kind of devotion.
I'm having a sinking spell here and would appreciate any advice you could give me on how to go forward here.
What kind of recreational activities are we talking about? Is he skiing the black diamond run at Aspen? Or are we talking about lawn bowling? Philately or skydiving?
I'm on the fence regarding my soon to be 86 year old mother. Living by herself with physical limitations. Family close by seem to be wrapped up in their own lives and never stop by. The upstairs apartment always had 1 of the siblings living there. But now they all have their own homes, so the apartment sits empty. She's hundreds of miles away from me. It might be time for me to do the right thing and move back home. It's not what I'd like to do but it may be the morally correct thing to do.
Get all your paperwork in order first thing - wills, a general durable POAs, medical directives, all that. Be sure you are the co owner or beneficiary of any financial accounts. Be sure you are the co owner on the house, vehicles, etc. In most if not all states, this will keep these items from having to go through probate.
Discuss expectations with him. And also, what would YOUR expectations be of him if you were sick? Because - that can happen.
If being an unhappy unwilling caretaker is all you come up with when contemplating your future together you might as well divorce. Do you imagine he's going to want to spend those same years with someone so resentful? There are lots of reasons any elderly man could end up "shuffling behind a walker"...old orthopedic injuries could have nothing to do with it. Neurological issues, stroke, heart conditions, cancers, etc. While KA's suggestions can certainly make the financial/on paper aspects of both of your declining years less chaotic, if you're not committed to this person for reasons other than physical ability why bother?
Last edited by Parnassia; 10-20-2021 at 01:21 PM..
What kind of recreational activities are we talking about? Is he skiing the black diamond run at Aspen? Or are we talking about lawn bowling? Philately or skydiving?
Heck, I'm 57 and ski the back bowls at Vail, Taos, Stone Creek Chutes at Beaver, Wolf Creek etc. I haven't had anything replaced yet.
Despite arranging repeated opportunities to interact with men his own age, he prefers to drone on with anyone he can corner.
He is having some ortho issues, and I've started going to appointments with him because he was getting nowhere when he went by himself. Now I know why.
Instead of listening to the medical provider and responding to questions, he yammers on about medical issues from the past, sometimes the distant past. We've talked about how they are not interested in how he fell, and hurt his shoulder forty-five years ago. They are busy people, and want to focus on his current hip and knee issues.
I am trying to come to terms with my hero turning into a self-centered, old fool. I've become his caretaker rather than his companion.
Just sad all the way around.
It's not just the ortho issues. It's that he may be losing it as well. Or so I surmise.
I don't know if the OP knew from the beginning her husband was on the spectrum. That can be a huge shock -- it sure was for me. Maybe she's just now discovering the person he really is.
IDK what kinds of surgeries he's had in the past but I can say my hip replacement a few years ago was great and I went from hobbling around hanging on to things to being able to do whatever the heck I wanted. A combo of osteoarthritis and a big bone spur made wakling difficult for over a year and nearly impossible in the months leading up to the surgery but once it was done I was pain free and able to do everything.
Heck, I'm 57 and ski the back bowls at Vail, Taos, Stone Creek Chutes at Beaver, Wolf Creek etc. I haven't had anything replaced yet.
And? Luck of the genetic draw can have a lot to say about it. THR at 42.
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