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As to clearing things out, I would recommend starting with the paperwork.
One of the clear signs of my mother's dementia was paperwork everywhere. Bills mixed in with flyers and appeals for donations, ... She was unable to sort and figure out which were the important ones. I would sort into piles, then she would check the piles to make sure I didn't miss anything.
As to stuff in the closets and so forth, be sure not to pitch out things that would bring back good feelings as her dementia progresses. Many dementia units have baskets of things, such as stethoscopes, etc. that remind residents of their previous lives.
Also, I would encourage you to join a caregivers group in your area. Good to talk with people who understand. Sometimes their suggestions and resources can be useful.
Sorry you are going through this. She is driving? She is paying her own bills, by hand? With her parkinson's, she is not having shaking or trouble walking?
Is she drinking plenty of water and bathrooming herself. Dressing herself? Ever notice anything out of place in her outfit?
I'd go with her to next check up and mention some things, even though she will be mad.
I would just keep an eye on her and take notes for the drs visit. Does she do her own meds?
My last client was failing with dementia, thinking it's not her house. Big stuff. Her daughter lived with her but she had me and another caregiver, anyway, the daughter and niece cleaned out some closets when we had taken her out somewhere. She never knew.
When I suggested that you have all documents in order - it isn’t about only healthcare, Power of Attorney, etc
You may need an access to her e-mails addresses, phone, other identifying institutions, pensions and bank accounts: better if you are joined owners on her financials
She may resist adding you to her bank,investment accounts or it is impossible to add you to some of those.
At least make sure the beneficiary is designated- double check that: when banks change the software - sometimes it gets deleted by mistake.
You don’t want to go through probate on those.
Make sure she has an updated pour over will executed too.
I would open a new bank account for you as a primary, ask her to join with you- “just in case something happens to me - you, Mom, have access to my money”
Then eventually you could make sure you have access and passwords to her pension or SS money on-line accounts, other accounts …
Then you could make a switch to that one joint account you have -eventually - when she is incapable- so you could manage her properties, healthcare and other bills.
Don’t wait until she becomes incompetent in the eyes of the law.
Look into even seemingly unimportant accounts like all utilities, car titles, credit cards - they need to be monitored.
It could be a real headache if you don’t have access to them or not legally able to manage those and she is past the competency level
It would be easier than waving your Power of Attorney to every customer service person in some obscure institutions regarding simple issues needing attention or correction, etc - faster too
If you made her house your residence - ask her if it is ok to switch utilities to your name - for the ease of dealing with all that for you;
tell her it is for ”bills paying”
Keep your own money in your own, not joint account though for other legal reasons.
Think in details.
I am assuming you have her best interests at heart and is not going to do anything to harm her or anything inappropriate with her money.
Last edited by L00k4ward; 09-21-2022 at 07:40 AM..
First, I really want to be clear that this is something I chose to do. I knew going into this my mom was starting to have issues. Like I said, my brother and I discussed it at length and I moved in with mom with her full knowledge that I was doing so because Parkinson's often includes mental decline (and her mother, my grandmother, ended up with severe alzheimer's). While I am starting to experience some of the stress of becoming a caregiver, I chose this and have no regrets. I would do it again. And it's not that bad yet, I think I moved in at the right time (not too early but also not too late). I also know I would be a lot more stressed out if I wasn't living here with her and taking care of things.
In the short time I've lived here I've cleaned the pantry (hey, it's a start), stopped her from falling for quite a few email scams or mistaking junk mail for bills, and I fixed her AC one hot night when it went out (it was a clogged drain line issue). I've also been weeding the flowerbeds for her and other house care except mowing (she has a lawn service).
But I am new to all this and it's a big change. My original post was trying to figure out of these things I am seeing are signs of something to be concerned more about or not. There seem to be some mixed opinions about some of them and that's to be expected.
And someone else pointed out I just sent my teen daughter off to college. In a lot of ways, my mom is kind of like a teenager: mostly independent but needs some supervision. I am not dressing her or bathing her or anything like that yet, but I do feel like the parent in the situation: cleaning the house, making sure the bills get paid on time (we moved most into my name), reminding her to do her homework (her Parkinson's exercises and take her pills on time), etc.
I need to figure out this "what" thing that she does. Like I said, she says it and most times if I just wait, it registers. It might be nothing. But it is a new behavior for her. It's funny though, if my brother comes over and we go into another room to talk in confidence about his personal life (my mom can be a bit of a gossip and is terrible at keeping a secret. Plus, he doesn't want her to know about his blood pressure issues so as not to worry her). She manages to hear what we say even if she's two rooms away and running the water. It's only when I am in front of her and talking to her do I get the "what?"
I actually am going to install a raised bed garden. I found a company who sells modular metal pieces. It looks super easy to put together. The one I want is about $400 though. I talked to mom about it and she's all excited and has ideas for things to grow, so I am going to make sure it's easy access for her too. I plan to order one for myself around Christmas and put it together then. I can start my plants in the house around late March.
I rushed to read the replies but I plan to re-read later. Thank you again.
I really don't have much to add to everyone else's comments except that I agree that your mother sounds like she is in the beginning stages of dementia and I agree that you should have her tested.
I moved my mother in with me to take care of her because I noticed something was not "right" with her brain. She wasn't acting like she did when she was younger and she herself stopped herself from driving because she kept getting lost which scared her.
It's close to 7 years that I have been a full time caregiver and I don't regret one moment of it. I'm lucky that my mother is sweet, polite, appreciative, not aggressive nor angry. Her dementia is progressing and she is now starting sundowners.
I wish you lots of luck and I think it's wonderful what you are doing!
Walking~~I think the "what" thing is to irritate you, if she can hear you from another room. She may get more stubborn as she progresses. This last client irritated her daughter every chance she gets, when daughter leaves the room, she would laugh, she hated being told what to do and was getting back at the daughter. Quite hilarious and sad at the same time. She was losing her independence and hated it.
I would try getting your Mother's attention first before asking her a question. Standing in front of her, making eye contact or just Hey Mom and give her a chance to "get out of her head" before asking questions.
^Yes, this is what my dad finally had to do with a man who used to sit at his assisted living dining table. The man would invariably say "huh?" when my dad addressed him. I mentioned the same thing to dad: just say the man's name, get his attention where he's looking at you and listening to you, give him time to adjust into listening mode, then ask a question or make a comment. It did work well.
I dont think the "what" is anything to worry about. Pretty common. Age doesnt always have a lot to do with saying "what". The OP could ask herself if the questions are really important, whats the purpose of the question and is the question really necessary or is it to annoy her mother. Who is annoying whom. Try using your mothers name, pause, ask a simpler question, try a short conversation and than ask the important one.
Walking~~I think the "what" thing is to irritate you, if she can hear you from another room. She may get more stubborn as she progresses. This last client irritated her daughter every chance she gets, when daughter leaves the room, she would laugh, she hated being told what to do and was getting back at the daughter. Quite hilarious and sad at the same time. She was losing her independence and hated it.
She does it to everyone, not just me. So I don't think she's doing it to irritate me (although it does sometimes do that). I really think she's just letting her mind wander and not paying attention. She will look right at you while you are talking to her and say it. I've also watched her ask a question get and answer from someone, and it just didn't register. It happens the most in public when she talks to customer service people or wait staff etc. I end up having to reexplain things. A classic example is she will ask what dressings a place has and a waitress will list a dozen flavors and she just looks confused and says what. I usually tell her they have X, Y, and Z that she likes (I don't rehash them all), and ask her which one she wants.
But she also tends to shout it from across the house when I am not even talking to her (like if I am on the phone, talking to the dog, etc).
I won't worry about the "what" thing. I was just wondering if it was a lack of being able to pay attention and if that was an issue to be concerned with and tell a doctor about. Sounds like it's a non-issue.
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