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A few months ago I sold my house and moved in with my 75-year-old mom (I am a single/divorced empty nester woman). My brother and I agreed mom was "just starting" to get to a point where she needed someone to really keep an eye on her. He's got a young family, so I was the logical choice. Mom is fairly independent right now, but she has Parkinsons and had her bad days.
Currently, I am mostly like a room mate than a care giver. I live in the in-law suite and pay all of the utilities for the entire house, half the groceries, and I do light housecleaning and minor house repairs. Mom takes care of the paying for the grass cutting service, paying any major repairs (that I nor my brother can do), and she pays the other half of the groceries.
I've noticed a few things about her now that I live with her and I wonder if: 1) They are things I should be concerned about and 2) What, if anything, I could do. And to be fair, a lot of this is me just venting to people who hopefully, can relate. Because it can be frustrating for me, yet I have to keep it bottled in and just tolerate things (AKA, bite my tongue).
Here are some of my observations:
- Before I moved in she and I talked about cleaning out a lot of her clutter. She's not a hoarder or anything, but the closets and stuffed to the gills. The only thing I managed to clean out and organize is the kitchen pantry. And she got very weird an defensive about it even though we worked on it together. She wanted to save everything (even stuff she never uses). I asked her about everything before I got rid of it (and most of what I tossed was expired or opened and stale). And what I donated was stuff she doesn't really eat. But it seemed to be more traumatic than it should be for just food. So far, she won't let me clean out anything else.
- She says "what" to almost everything I say, but most times she actually does hear me. I might ask, "Where are the vacuum bags?" and she will answer, "what?" If I just wait a few seconds, it usually "soaks in" and she answers without me repeating it. Only about a third of the time do I actually need to repeat myself. But I learned quickly that if I speak louder after she asks, "what" she gets upset at me for speaking too loud. So it's not a hearing thing (besides, she has no problem eavesdropping from the other room when I am talking softly on the phone, haha). It's an attention thing.
- Related to the item above, she also has this weird habit of repeating back what I just said as if I never said it. For example, I might say, "I am going to vacuum now" and she will reply, "Okay" and follow it up a few seconds to a minute later with, "Do you think you might vacuum today?" It's almost like she hears it, it goes in her brain (she processes "vacuum" on a subconscious level), but she's not aware that I just talked about it and she thinks she just thought of it.
- She mixes me up with my 12-year-old niece. This goes beyond a simple accidentally calling me by the wrong name. As an example of something from this week, we watched an old 1980s shows on Hulu and someone in the show used a pay phone. She said to me, "You know, back in the day we didn't have cell phones like you do now. We had these things called pay phones and you had to put money in them." I have to stop her and remind her that I know, I was a teenager in the 1980s/when the show came out. And she replied, "Oh, that's right." Or in another incident, she went out and bought a bunch of mint chocolate chip ice cream on sale because, as she said, "I know how crazy you are for it." Again, that's not me, it's my niece. My mom asked me why I wasn't eating it and I had to reminder her that it's her granddaughter's favorite, not mine. I don't really care for it as much. She almost didn't believe me. Most time she knows who I am and how old I am, and doesn't mix things up. And her long-term memory of me as a child, teen, young adult, etc is good (better than mine). It's like she has moments where she almost forgets who I am. But they are just brief and infrequent.
- She argues over stuff that's just not true. I try not to engage her since most of that stuff is not relevant, but it is concerning for me. This past week we ran into a relative and I wished him a happy birthday. Mom said, "I am going to wait and wish you happy birthday when it's actually your birthday." He replied that it was his actual birthday and she tried to argue with him that it wasn't. He and I both assured her that say was his birthday. She doubled down. He thought she was joking and said, "I am pretty sure I know when my birthday is." Unfortunately, when she realized she was wrong, it put her in kind of a bad mood the rest of the day. She's always been a little stubborn, but this is beyond simply being stubborn.
So that's it. The "what" thing happens every day, all the time. But the others seem to come and go. This week was a bad week for them though (which is what prompted me to write). I don't get to go with her to her neurologist appointments, but if these are things the doctor should know, I could email or call. But before I do something like that, I just want to be sure I am not over reacting. Maybe this is just normal aging stuff and I am just not used to it.
Edited to add, like I said she's still fairly independent and functioning. She cooks meals, she's involved with her church in a few groups and volunteer activities, she's in a book club that meets monthly. And since I joined the YMCA (and put her on my membership) she goes with me a few times a week. I am trying to convince her to sign up for the Parkinson's exercise classes. And she babysits my youngest niece (who is a baby) for a few hours a day. The above listed (except for the "what" thing) are not common, it's just that are happening and I am concerned.
Last edited by WalkingLiberty1919D; 09-18-2022 at 08:18 AM..
This is more about co existing with another generation.
I resided with my ailing parent for quite awhile. In reflection she tolerated more then I did . Common communication differences are apparent. My generation enjoys clarifying before assuming. And sometimes our minds are elsewhere when jolted back to an inquiry by another person..
You may learn patience as her condition will intensifies. All these concerns will take a back seat. You may even decide your not cut out for the path your parent didn't ask to be burdened with. Parkinson's takes so.much away from the person's abilities. To think, to move. To be independent. Just keep that in mind ...these are her better days... You can choose how you want to share them. In disharmony... Or with some appreciation of where you both are today.
This is more about co existing with another generation.
I resided with my ailing parent for quite awhile. In reflection she tolerated more then I did . Common communication differences are apparent. My generation enjoys clarifying before assuming. And sometimes our minds are elsewhere when jolted back to an inquiry by another person..
You may learn patience as her condition will intensifies. All these concerns will take a back seat. You may even decide your not cut out for the path your parent didn't ask to be burdened with. Parkinson's takes so.much away from the person's abilities. To think, to move. To be independent. Just keep that in mind ...these are her better days... You can choose how you want to share them. In disharmony... Or with some appreciation of where you both are today.
Thanks. If all this stuff is just generational differences, then I can talk to her about it and see if we can meet halfway by changing some of her behavior too. I've mostly kept my mouth shut and bit my tongue on these things because I figured it was aging and mental decline and she couldn't help it and that's resulted in a lot of built up stress for me.
Maybe I can ask her to please ask me something before assuming it (like when she bought all that ice cream that I don't even like), take a minute to think about what I just said before asking me to repeat it right away (since it seems she actually does hear me), and just tell me her mind was wondering and ask me to repeat what I said and don't pretend she heard it like she does when she asks me a question about something I just told her a few minutes earlier.
And if she needs me to change how I do things, I can do that too. But I don't know what to do at this point to make things easier without insulting her.
I'll give it all some thought before I broach the subject with her.
After reading through your post, yes, some of her behaviour is consistant with Dementia. Have you had her tested? If not, I do recommend that you take her, first to her Primary Care Doctor. If your Mom tests below a certain level for normal memory function for someone her age, the PM will probably refer you to a Neurologist for more in depth testing. As far as her behaviours, I think I can help you to understand them a little better. First, the hoarding. People with neurological deficits have trouble processing and accepting change. It frightens them in a way you and I can't really relate to. There are ways to get around that. Start in a closet or cabinet that is cluttered. Remove 5 items and tuck them out of sight. If its something that means something to her, you'll know within a day or two. After a few days if she hasn't mentioned them, dispose of or donate those items. Continue doing this a little at a time in a lot of places rather than a lot of change to just a few. As far as her believing something is correct even when given overwhelming proof to the contrary, that is also a big red flag. I can say from experience that no amount of proof will change her mind. Her mind is no longer wired that way. You have to ask yourself, is it really that important for her to be told she is wrong? I use the example of when my DH (Dear Husband) told me the sky was green. No, it wasn't green and I have no idea where that statement came from. It also didn't matter who was right. My answer to him was "Maybe it will be blue tomorrow" and we moved on with our day from there. If I tried to correct him it would have started an argument that we didn't need to have. Another word that is no longer in my vocabulary is "remember". As in " I told you that yestersay, remember"? Its best to pick your battles. I also strongly urge you and your family members to put together a long term care plan. You need to do that now while your mom is capable of having some input. You also need to put a legal strategy together too. First is of course medical power of attorney and the possibility of legal guardianship down the road. If you have any specific questions, I'll see if a can help you with them.
Thanks. If all this stuff is just generational differences, then I can talk to her about it and see if we can meet halfway by changing some of her behavior too. I've mostly kept my mouth shut and bit my tongue on these things because I figured it was aging and mental decline and she couldn't help it and that's resulted in a lot of built up stress for me.
Maybe I can ask her to please ask me something before assuming it (like when she bought all that ice cream that I don't even like), take a minute to think about what I just said before asking me to repeat it right away (since it seems she actually does hear me), and just tell me her mind was wondering and ask me to repeat what I said and don't pretend she heard it like she does when she asks me a question about something I just told her a few minutes earlier.
And if she needs me to change how I do things, I can do that too. But I don't know what to do at this point to make things easier without insulting her.
I'll give it all some thought before I broach the subject with her.
Get all the caregivers documents in order now.
You won’t be able to change her behavior: just let it all go.
You could stealthily unclutter some of her stuff if it needs to be done for her safety and your well-being.
One/a few objects at a time; if she specifically notice and asks for it - pretend to look for it and “find” it as “misplaced”.
If she does not notice it - then toss/discard it.
Make her to check her hearing on a well visit and be on look out for UTIs.
I try my best not to engage my mom with any of this stuff. I am not perfect though. I don't say, "remember" since most of this isn't really memory stuff. Most of it is more like paying attention stuff. Her long-term memory seems okay to me. If I slip up and say something, instead of remember, it's usually, "I just said." I need to do better at that though. But I generally bite my tongue and repeat things or whatever I have to do.
The only time I point things out is when "she" asks. Like with the ice cream thing and she asked me why I wasn't eating it. Maybe I shouldn't point out where she made the mistake in those cases? I told her, "I am not the one who likes mint ice cream, that's your granddaughter." Maybe I should have just said, "I don't like mint ice cream anymore." That sort of thing is going to be hard to do for me. It's like I am going to have to think in a deceptive way now or something. But if it's what I have to do, I can adjust. It's just not going to be over night.
As far as letting these things go, that's easier said that done. Like I said, I hide it from her for the most part because I don't want her to feel bad. So that's not so much of a n issue. But I internalize it and that's where it causes issues (stress) for me. It's stressful because I know she's a smart woman (or was). She's more educated than I am and used to have a demanding career. She's an RN with a master's degree and she worked in a hospital for years. Now she's more like a young teen (doesn't pay attention, can't focus, makes bad judgements etc). So the stress for me is watching what I think is decline if that makes any sense. It is stressful for me to tolerate things without saying a thing and it's also stressful for me to see her like this. And yes, on a more shallow level it's also annoying to keep repeating myself and do it with a smile.
Also, she already sees a neurologist regularly because she has Parkinson's and that impacts the brain. When I say contact her doctor, I would contact the neurologist.
Thanks for the cleaning tips. I was trying not to touch her stuff to clean things out without asking or having her involved (and she asked me to help her with it). But I like the idea to clean a little at a time. The hard thing is going to be all the papers and receipts. She keeps everything like that.
As for the generational stuff, I don't know. Some of it might be. I really am not good at those kinds of things. But the more I thought of it, would I have noticed generational differences before when she was younger? Wouldn't she have had those traits her whole life (like her love for non-ethnic, basic American-style food with anything new being "weird.") She didn't use to say "what" to everything before and didn't mix me up with other people before.
Oh, and I already have power of attorney. She knows I moved in because eventually the Parkinson's is going to make things hard for her (both physically and mentally since it can cause a type of dementia too). So we have that done. I need to look into anything else.
- She says "what" to almost everything I say, but most times she actually does hear me. I might ask, "Where are the vacuum bags?" and she will answer, "what?" If I just wait a few seconds, it usually "soaks in" and she answers without me repeating it. Only about a third of the time do I actually need to repeat myself.
Myhusband does this to me all the time, except he says "huh?" instead of "what?" He says my voice is too soft and he can't hear me. This is news to me since I was always getting into trouble because my voice carried.
- Related to the item above, she also has this weird habit of repeating back what I just said as if I never said it. For example, I might say, "I am going to vacuum now" and she will reply, "Okay" and follow it up a few seconds to a minute later with, "Do you think you might vacuum today?" It's almost like she hears it, it goes in her brain (she processes "vacuum" on a subconscious level), but she's not aware that I just talked about it and she thinks she just thought of it.
He does this as well. I respond with "I just said that!"
I think you are right, they just don't pay attention to what you are saying, or if you have said anything at all. It's infuriating, but I know he is not getting dementia. I try not to take it too personally (although sometimes it's hard not to) because I am disabled and his is MY caregiver. I know it is stressful for him, and he does so much for me that I can't really complain if he irks me at times.
I try my best not to engage my mom with any of this stuff. I am not perfect though. I don't say, "remember" since most of this isn't really memory stuff. Most of it is more like paying attention stuff. Her long-term memory seems okay to me. If I slip up and say something, instead of remember, it's usually, "I just said." I need to do better at that though. But I generally bite my tongue and repeat things or whatever I have to do.
The only time I point things out is when "she" asks. Like with the ice cream thing and she asked me why I wasn't eating it. Maybe I shouldn't point out where she made the mistake in those cases? I told her, "I am not the one who likes mint ice cream, that's your granddaughter." Maybe I should have just said, "I don't like mint ice cream anymore." That sort of thing is going to be hard to do for me. It's like I am going to have to think in a deceptive way now or something. But if it's what I have to do, I can adjust. It's just not going to be over night.
As far as letting these things go, that's easier said that done. Like I said, I hide it from her for the most part because I don't want her to feel bad. So that's not so much of a n issue. But I internalize it and that's where it causes issues (stress) for me. It's stressful because I know she's a smart woman (or was). She's more educated than I am and used to have a demanding career. She's an RN with a master's degree and she worked in a hospital for years. Now she's more like a young teen (doesn't pay attention, can't focus, makes bad judgements etc). So the stress for me is watching what I think is decline if that makes any sense. It is stressful for me to tolerate things without saying a thing and it's also stressful for me to see her like this. And yes, on a more shallow level it's also annoying to keep repeating myself and do it with a smile.
Also, she already sees a neurologist regularly because she has Parkinson's and that impacts the brain. When I say contact her doctor, I would contact the neurologist.
Thanks for the cleaning tips. I was trying not to touch her stuff to clean things out without asking or having her involved (and she asked me to help her with it). But I like the idea to clean a little at a time. The hard thing is going to be all the papers and receipts. She keeps everything like that.
As for the generational stuff, I don't know. Some of it might be. I really am not good at those kinds of things. But the more I thought of it, would I have noticed generational differences before when she was younger? Wouldn't she have had those traits her whole life (like her love for non-ethnic, basic American-style food with anything new being "weird.") She didn't use to say "what" to everything before and didn't mix me up with other people before.
Oh, and I already have power of attorney. She knows I moved in because eventually the Parkinson's is going to make things hard for her (both physically and mentally since it can cause a type of dementia too). So we have that done. I need to look into anything else.
This is most likely what is going on, it comes on slowly. They put it on the chart as mild to moderate cognitive decline. For some people this starts before the physical Parkinsons symptoms.
The decline in some form or the other is inevitable: your frustrations is most likely a part of the beginning of grieving: seeing your previously smart and educated mom starting to falter.
Try to come to terms with this NATURAL way of things - the decline before death - whatever form it takes for different people.
It is like observing a kitten turning into a slow aging cat or seeing the leaves falling in autumn from the trees that were lush and vibrant in the spring and summer…
No matter what one does - you can’t attach those leaves back …
You are a good child and as smart as your Mom; find a way to accept and to deal with this natural process intelligently and without frustration - the change is essential in life, decline and decay et.al
The acceptance of the changes and the adjustments are critical to your well-being in a more difficult times to come.
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