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I am struggling with this decision and would like some input from the grandparents out there. I am a 30 year old woman with a successful career. I have two older children from my previous marriage. I was married for 7 years and have been divorced for 4. After my marriage I had decided not to date. My entire focus was going to be on creating the best environment for my children possible. I have no family, my parents are both gone and my only living sibling was severely injured in Iraq and lives very far away with his wife who cares for him.
A little over two years ago I ran into an old childhood friend at lunch. We began to talk and then date. It was a wonderful relationship and he started talking about getting married. I had my tubes tied after my daughter was born so I wasn't concerned about pregnancy. Fast forward to December 30 of 2011. I began to feel very sick at work. I went to see my Doctor who ran a series of blood tests. He walked in with the results and seemed very shocked. He explained to me that I was pregnant. He told me that there is an approximate 4% failure rate with tubal ligation and that this baby was a miracle. I was devastated and started bawling. I never expected myself to be in this position. I thought about it for several days and made the decision to keep my child. Then I decided I had to tell her father.
Long story short I told him and he became VERY angry. He demanded an abortion and things got really ugly between us. We argued for several weeks and finally came to a stalemate. I told him I didn't want anything from him. I don't need child support. I just told him I felt he had the right to know that he had a child. I expected him to walk away. She is his only child. He is an only child. He just stated he didn't want to have children. Period.
He continued to talk to me throughout my pregnancy daily. He didn't want to know anything about the pregnancy or baby but stated that he wanted to continue to be my friend. I haven't seen him in person in nearly 7 months. Our baby is now 7 weeks old and she is beautiful. He has not seen her, has no desire to, and doesn't want to know anything about her. However, he continues to text me and call daily and says that we are "best friends" He is now dating another woman who knows nothing about me or his child.
It concerns me that if something were to happen to me she has no family. What would happen to her in the case of my death? I also feel, as a mother, that if I had a grandchild I would want to know. I continue to struggle with whether his parents should be told they have a grand daughter. I would want to make it clear to them that I expect nothing, I need nothing from them, I just feel they have the right to make their own choice about whether to be in her life or not. They live approximately 30 minutes from me. So if you were his parents would you want to be told about your granddaughter? Yes or no.
kind of similar story. same advice probably. This man seems very confused. Why would he want to keep in touch with you and ignore he has a child? and why would you want to continue this relationship if he wants nothing to do with the child?
Go to court and demand child support- you owe it to your daughter. She needs to know sometime down the line her father took responsibility for her.
I would contact his parents and let them know they have a grandchild. Give him a heads up first so he can tell them himself. Think about what is best for the child.
I agree with no kudzu. I think you should let them know. Prepare yourself though, because they might not believe it without a DNA test. Do you know anything about his parents? Do they have regrets because they had only one child? Was he an "accident" that they regretted?
If I were you, I would most certainly tell them they have a grandchild. Just prepare your heart for both possible scenarios. They might be thrilled or they might not want anything to do with her. If it were me in that situation, I'd definitely want to know.
Your friend is not a friend at all. A friend, any decent person for that matter, would insist on taking some level of responsibility for the child, unplanned or not.
And this child as the right to enjoy what family she has, if possible. I would tell "Denial Daddy" to own up, and clue his family on what is going on, or you will. And before too long, you may want to consult with an attorney on having arrangements made in writing to protect your child in case something tragic should happen to you. "Denial Daddy" might not want custody, but perhaps if things work out and you get to know his family better, you could write something up (with attorney input) for custody to go to his parents, a sibling, an aunt or uncle, etc.
I would definitely get this handled while the baby is a baby and does not know what is going on. Eventually she will be old enough to ask questions, and I can't imagine how hurtful it would be to a child to find out (and eventually they do) that she has bio-family so close, yet has no relationship with them.
Oh and to answer your original question - yes, absolutely I would want to know. I don't have bio children but I do have a stepson (who has a wife and two beautiful little ones). If this were our situation, first my DH would give his son a lecture that he would never forget. Then, absolutely, we would want to be involved in this child's life, as much as momma would allow us.
Thank you all for your responses. I did talk to an attorney yesterday about setting up arrangements for her just in case. He advised me that legally I will have to either prove his paternity or get him to agree to sign a termination of rights. Unfortunately a designee for her to go to would hold little water legally as long as there is no father listed on the birth cert.
I did send him a message last night letting him know that he will need to do one of those two things for me and he responded with "So what exactly does that mean." I explained to him again that legally, to protect her, I have to have one of those two things from him. Otherwise, according to the attorney, in the case of my death she would become a ward of the state regardless of who I designate to take her. He didn't respond.
I've decided to write his parent's a letter and include several pictures. They never met me during the time we were dating. They did know me when we were kids though. I also know that they were aware he was dating me, they knew my name. I want to let them know that I expect nothing and just thought they deserved the chance to know she existed. I will include my contact info. I'm going to include a picture of me with their son, a pregnant picture, one of me with the baby in the delivery room, and one of her now. That way a timeline is established visually.
They are christian people and very involved in their youth ministry at church. I'm prepared for his anger, and for them to potentially want nothing to do with her. At this point it is about doing what is best for my daughter.
I still think he should be held responsible for financial support. She needs that. You may not see it now but you will later. To deny her that financial support would be a mistake.
....I also feel, as a mother, that if I had a grandchild I would want to know. I continue to struggle with whether his parents should be told they have a grand daughter. I would want to make it clear to them that I expect nothing, I need nothing from them, I just feel they have the right to make their own choice about whether to be in her life or not. They live approximately 30 minutes from me. So if you were his parents would you want to be told about your granddaughter? Yes or no.
I truly sympathize with the situation up to the above point. (I, a male, have been in a kind of reverse of your situation.)
However, they are his parents, not yours and I feel strongly - especially considering his peculiar, if not rotten attitude - that it would be totally out of place for you to talk to them about this. They are not your business. Whether they should know this is his business.
Sorry to sound so harsh, however you might consider also that you have enough on your plate right now and you have no need of the hellfire of a storm this could stir up.
I still think he should be held responsible for financial support. She needs that. You may not see it now but you will later. To deny her that financial support would be a mistake.
I know that your question was about telling the grandparents but please follow through with the attorney about the legal rights for your child.
It seems like you may not want a relationship with the dad right now and maybe think that you can support the child on your own but circumstances can change.
I have seen several situations where the mom wanted to go it alone and just get the baby's dad out of her life but it was the child who suffered in the long run. It's a long story but a dear friend of my son lived in poverty and sometimes didn't even have enough food to eat growing up while her biological dad (once a real dead-beat) "got his life together" and ending up with a job paying (perhaps) $200,000 a year. Mom had terminated his parental rights when his daughters were toddlers so he felt no obligation to help. He and his new family were taking European vacations and living in a mansion while his old family struggled to get by. Mom worked two jobs and her children got jobs as young teens just to barely support themselves.
Ironically now that his children are adults he does have regular contact with them but has never contributed even a dime or given them even one gift once his rights were terminated. Just don't do anything hasty about cutting the dad out of your child's life.
Yes, I feel that the grandparents have a right to know about their grandchild.
Good luck.
As a grandparent, I would want to know that I had a grandchild.
You are in a difficult situation because if you tell his parents he may become really angry. They do have the right to know, but I would talk with him about it first and let him know that he needs to tell them about his daughter or you will.
Yes, I would want to know if I had a grandchild. I agree about the lawyer and C/S for the baby. PS If I told you how many women I saw that had their tubed tied and then got pregnant, I'd be wealthy! Best of luck with the new baby!! I so wish, my husband and I could have had one together before he was killed....HUGS!!!
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