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If the only stumbling block is the relationship between you and you DIL, and she's fine with you having the kids unsupervised, then have a big family movie night once a month. Have the grand kids spend the night, have your girls stay home, have popcorn and twister and all sorts of games. It will be fun for all of you, will help keep your daughters having a relationship with their neices and nephews, and the parents should find it great to have a whole night to themselves.
But, really, it sounds like you're too busy holding a grudge, and feeling aggrieved to work on a solution. You only posted to get people to agree how tough you have it and how awful your DIL is. And I see her point. You don't really want a relationship with your grandkids, but you want to be able to blame it on someone else so people don't think badly of you.
My family does come first. They have to. Once my kids are out of the house, we'll see.
No you won't because by then the damage will be done, they won't be interested (what teenager would?), and you'll have come up with a whole new raft of ways to blame your daughters for your lack of a relationship with their kids.
I would start a once a month dinner get together. Invite the whole can, incl. their parents either for a Sunday brunch, or a Pizza lunch, at your house. Or, take it to their house. It won't feel like you are sacrificing your work nights, and if they choose not to come it's on them. You could vary that too, brunch at an inexpensive local buffet, or a potluck at either home. Your hubby could do this himself, or with al of you. He certainly should be taking the lead.
If the point is getting to spend a lil more time, this is a good compromise.
Are your teens from another marriage, or the biological half siblings to your step son....I know my sons have lil half sisters, and while they are crazy about them, they do sort of express some jealousy at times, expressions like...Those girls never have to work, etc. Their Dad has done pretty well financially..so his second family really doesn't struggle. Just pointing out that this could have a bit of bearing on this situation for you ss.
These kinds of situations drive me insane. Why on earth do people believe that everyone should live by their own personal desires? It's ridiculous.
Who is the daughter in law to keep score and point out that the other grandparent is not keeping up? What is that about? It's juvenile. If grandma wants to spend her summer vacation traveling or meditating in the yard, who is anyone to say there's something wrong with that? She has pretty regular contact with the kids and the daughter in law is whining that it's no enough. Someone needs to tell her to grow up.
Life is way too short to get stressed out and worked up over drama. Come to where I live and see the devastation from the hurricane and you'll know what I mean. We have people sleeping on air mattresses here with nowhere to go and wearing borrowed clothes.
Don't stress over the daughter in law. Tell her to get some perspective and be thankful that she has two grandparents that spend time with her kids.
I'm not getting the connection between spending time with the grandkids and raising them. An afternoon now and then or even a weekend sleepover is not raising a child. My grandmother enjoyed being non-parental, letting me do things like eat cookies before dinner and take hour-long bubble baths.
Give them a bunch of Pepsi and Twinkies and send them home to their mother.
This is priceless and so to the point....LOL.
When I was in my 50's and early 60's, I did not have much interest in spending a lot of time with small children. I was married at 17, had a couple of kids by 20, ending up with 4, divoirced by 30 and a single parent, not on welfare. I started as a clerk and rose through the ranks as a supervisor/manager eventually.
There really wasn't much time for me and when my kids started having children, I wasn't especially a "good" grandma. Now, at almost 70, I adore my adolescent and teen grandchildren. I am the kind of grandmother I always wanted to be and my grandchildren like me, a lot.
I sometimes made a lot of excuses in the earlier years but they were legitimate. I was tired. During that time, as well, I was starting a business, got married, taking care of my mother, etc, etc. Do I have some regrets ? You betcha but that is my nature. Do the best you can but be kind, always. It doesn't cost you anything.
Except yourself, don't make excuses, it is what it is. Try and take your Ddil out to lunch and talk about the situation with no defensiveness and listen to what she is saying, as well. Maybe do that more than once. It is your time together.
I think your DIL's mother has set the standard that your DIL now expects from you. It's an unfair comparison IMO. You are still a working woman with children at home. Of course you can't compete with her mother, and you should not attempt to.
I like the idea another poster gave about having a monthly or bi-monthly brunch, lunch or dinner where the entire family is invited, including her mother. You will have a chance to engage with everyone and it shows effort on your part. You could BBQ or have a picnic at the park, or have it at home. It doesn't matter where, it's more about having it. Keep it simple as it's not about the food, it's about everyone being together.
If your DIL does not understand that you are not in the same position to take the kids like her mother does, I'm afraid she never will. Do the best you can and stop letting others guilt you out. All parties should be making an effort.
I have 8 grandchildren and multiple DIL's. I have come to realize that I can not be everything to everyone. Some I see more than others just because we live closer together. Some are busier than others, etc. We all do the best we can.
You and your DIL don't get along and that really isn't going to change it seems. But the thing is, she's not really the point anyway. What's really important right now is your relationship with your grandkids and perhaps your DSS. I'd just ignore her. I wouldn't even leave when she starts beyotching, I'd just make a joke, blow her off and play with my grandkids.
Kids are not dumb, all they will remember is that they saw grandma growing up and she seemed to like them and be interested in them during those times. Their mother's foolishness may have some temporary influence but when they are old enough to see the grey areas you won't look so bad to them.
As far as DSS, he may side with his wife for now but who knows how long at will last, just continue to do the best you can by him. Bottom line you raised him, even if he's pissy now that's a bond that's hard to completely break.
To me DIL seems totally irrational but honestly hurt, and it's likely about way more than how much time you spend with the kids. Y'all have issues and this is just how she's acting them out.
It's not that I don't care. I want to be free to care the way I care. I'm not in position to be the baby-sitter grandma right now and, frankly, wouldn't want to if I were. I think that should be my perrogative. I think ddil is unreasonable even if I didn't have a full time job and two kids still at home. They're her kids. 5 is just too much for me. I don't feel like I can do the job of the afternoon with the kids grandma justice with that many. I prefer to just visit on holidays and birthdays. That covers 8 visits a year with 5 birthdays. Toss in a couple of dinners here and there and I'm good.
Maybe I'll feel differently when my kids are out of the house but, for now, I'm okay with this. I'd like the visits we do have to be pleasant instead of full of barbs.
You are who you are. Don't keep stressing over it. You aren't the same type Grandma many of us are, or would be.
My Daughter, and grand kids live several states away, and those three are my only GK's. I can afford an occasional plane ticket...I never had the luxury of being tired of spending time...I envy you.
But, we are all different. And, you are actually in a different age transition...You are still in Mommy mode...it is hard to be GrandMa....specially since the other one is so good at it..LOL Those kids are lucky, and so is that GMa imo.
Just don't have regrets...life is too short. Sometimes kids just enjoy sitting around eating cookies and millk...there doesn't have to be big plans...just playing in the back yard w/ GMa is good enough..Building memories is all about time together, no matter how you spend it.
If you are so bothered that you have a few threads about this very issue, I believe it is something you realize you need to improve...otherwise it wouldn't bother you at all.
So, your choice...Deal with it....or put it too rest. Be with them, do it for your step son, who probably thinks of you as his
Mom...He probably hoped to have the fairy tale he didn't have as a kid...for his kids.
This next may sound snarky...but not meaning it that way....I'm honesty just trying to point out, and maybe a wake up call...
I raised 5 kids,...went back to college, graduated w/ honors in the middle of a flood....You can have 5 kids over for the occasional movie night...seriously.
Last edited by JanND; 11-16-2012 at 08:25 AM..
Reason: spacing
No you won't because by then the damage will be done, they won't be interested (what teenager would?), and you'll have come up with a whole new raft of ways to blame your daughters for your lack of a relationship with their kids.
No. First off, I will not be raising my own kids when my kids have kids. That's USUALLY the way grandparenting works. That alone changes the dynamics significantly. Right now, I'm a wife, mom and teacher. Grandparent comes after those. If I were single and retired, like ddil's mom, things would, probably, be different. I'm not sure how different because I wouldn't be taking kids a couple of afternoons a week even if I were in her shoes. However, I would visit more often and have the kids over more often.
Right now, the time I do have belongs to my kids first.
You are who you are. Don't keep stressing over it. You aren't the same type Grandma many of us are, or would be.
My Daughter, and grand kids live several states away, and those three are my only GK's. I can afford an occasional plane ticket...I never had the luxury of being tired of spending time...I envy you.
But, we are all different. And, you are actually in a different age transition...You are still in Mommy mode...it is hard to be GrandMa....specially since the other one is so good at it..LOL Those kids are lucky, and so is that GMa imo.
Just don't have regrets...life is too short. Sometimes kids just enjoy sitting around eating cookies and millk...there doesn't have to be big plans...just playing in the back yard w/ GMa is good enough..Building memories is all about time together, no matter how you spend it.
If you are so bothered that you have a few threads about this very issue, I believe it is something you realize you need to improve...otherwise it wouldn't bother you at all.
So, your choice...Deal with it....or put it too rest. Be with them, do it for your step son, who probably thinks of you as his
Mom...He probably hoped to have the fairy tale he didn't have as a kid...for his kids.
This next may sound snarky...but not meaning it that way....I'm honesty just trying to point out, and maybe a wake up call...
I raised 5 kids,...went back to college, graduated w/ honors in the middle of a flood....You can have 5 kids over for the occasional movie night...seriously.
Thanks for your post.
As to having 5 kids over, maybe YOU can but this is not my cup of tea by any means. I stopped at two for a reason. I've never developed the skill set needed to wrangle 5 kids at once because I never needed to. So I'm not doing 5 at a time. It was your choice to have 5 kids and you got used to them one by one and figured out how to make 5 work. I've never done that.
To me, 5 kids at once is too much like work and not something I'd care to do on any kind of regular basis (I'll do it if they're in a pinch and need a sitter but that's about it). I'd rather enjoy them than feel like I have to herd them. This is part of the problem. If I take them for individual visits, we're talking taking each one twice a year. IMO, it makes more sense for me to just visit them at home more often where mom is there to herd them.
There were six of us and we were NEVER at grandmas at the same time. Mom always told us grandma was old and couldn't handle 6 kids at once even though she raised 11. I appreciate that now. I don't have the energy to run around with/after 5 kids at one time. More power to you if you do. I don't and I never developed the skill set to deal with 5 younger kids at once.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 11-17-2012 at 02:53 AM..
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