Is it OK for parents to dictate what gifts you can give their kids? (old, grandkids)
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I think your grandchildren are exceptionally fortunate. They have a parent who loves them and is able to provide gifts on special occasions. They have a Grandmother who wants to be a significant presence in their lives.
Rather than focusing on what you can buy them, maybe offer them special experiences? For example, if one of them is into trains, maybe you could take them on a special train ride? That kind of thing. If you create a special day for each of them, I know that it is something that they will always remember. When I was 6, my Grandmother took me to Burger King for lunch, which was a HUGE treat in my family. It was my favorite time with her not just because of the lunch, but because we were able to spend some time with just the two of us. I wish that we had been able to do that more often.
I also agree that the daughter should not be deceitful about what the kids want. Both parties need to be more direct about what it is they want to know.
I like captain's answer best.
OP, you need to consider what your daughter is dealing with. How are the other grandparents when it comes to gift-giving?
We also have started to "parcel out" ideas with the grandparents because, like it or not, many people believe a gift says as much about the giver as it does the recipient. My mom gets hurt feelings at the drop of a hat, and has been known to undercut my gift ideas while saying, "Oh, I forgot you were getting the iPad. Oh well. As long as they get it!"
Then there's my MIL, who is the most frugal Hoosier ever born and would never dream of spending more than $25 per kid. Fine with me, it just makes the whole process not as random and meaningful as one might hope.
First-world problems, yes. But if that's your world, it's a problem nontheless.
I know for a fact the memories my sons have of their maternal grandfather are of the games he played with them, the undivided attention he provided, and riding on his lap when he took out his tractor. OP, you are putting far too much emphasis on material goods. Toys break, or the kids lose interest in them. They do remember experiences, and feeling love, which cost little. I remember my own grandmother for the hand made doll clothes she made me out of fabric scraps.
Really, this is a battle where the winner actually loses, because 10 years down the road, the kids will have forgotten all about it. Think outside the materialism box, and it will pay off.
I want to add that I don't really see the deceit in the "problem" daughter's answer. She may not have answered the question the way you wanted it answered, but she did give you a suggestion. I've had relatives ask me the same question, "What do kid x and kid y want for holiday/birthday/" I may very well answer as your D does because I know that they are receiving a certain gift from me. I'm not intending to deceive. My intent is to just get to the point which I've always interpreted as "What should I get the kids for xyz day?"
Methinks this is some kind of power trip coming from the parents. I find this disturbing.
I would LOVE to know how you responded when people told you what to do when your children were growing up.
Please share.
Don't leave out any details on what you said when they told you they didn't like how you parented. Modern Family isn't on until tomorrow night and it will be a re-run.
And this is not about what you think. This is not about me wanting to give gifts that are unwanted or inappropriate. That's not what I am asking.
What is happening is that my daughter deliberately does not tell me what my grandkids want, so that she can get them the gift. In other words, if my grandkids want iPads and have iPads at the top of their Xmas list, I am not allowed to buy that, only the parents are. I am only allowed to buy the gifts that they want less, like pajamas or a board game.
I will ask my daughter, "Oh what does Cindy want for Xmas." Her reply is "Oh get her shorts, she needs shorts". Meanwhile what Cindy really wants is Legos and my daughter goes and gets her all the Legos in the whole store.
Methinks this is some kind of power trip coming from the parents. I find this disturbing.
Are you allowed to talk to your grandchildren? If so, why not just ask them what they want and then discuss who will get what with your daughter?
I would never presume my parents/in laws would spend $500 on just one of their grandchildren. My parents have 6 grandchildren, my in laws have 5. I usually give gift suggestions that cost between $50-$100 per child for grandparents and $25-$50 per child for aunt/uncles.
It is clear your daughter does not have a close and personal relationship with you. Regardless, she is the mother of the children and totally in control of what they get and from whom. She could take all the presents and open them and decide what to give the child if that was her desire. It is not a competition that you will EVER win.
Best to say "I would love to get them pajamas. What color or character is their favorite?"
Aww hell, get the young 'uns what you want. Then when your daughter remarks about it, tell her they are your grandkids and you will spoil them when you want to. Grandparents prerogative!
Be warned this may limit the exposure your daughter lets you have to her children and may start a war, but...
My in-laws frequently went against our wishes and bought our children things that we expressly did not want them to have. The biggest issue was when they bought our daughter a TV for her room despite our rule against having TVs in the bedroom. The most frequent issue was when my mother-in-law would buy clothing for our daughter that we thought was inappropriate. I am very conservative about some things and believe that women should cover their shoulders in church. Her grandmother was consistently buying her outfits for church that were one-shoulder or strapless. It did not help matters to argue with them about it, but it definitely tinged my relationship with my in-laws.
Have you tried asking your daughter why she is reluctant to let you get what they want? There may be more to the story than just a power struggle with you. In any case, they are her children, not yours, and you should respect that boundary.
I want to add that I don't really see the deceit in the "problem" daughter's answer. She may not have answered the question the way you wanted it answered, but she did give you a suggestion. I've had relatives ask me the same question, "What do kid x and kid y want for holiday/birthday/" I may very well answer as your D does because I know that they are receiving a certain gift from me. I'm not intending to deceive. My intent is to just get to the point which I've always interpreted as "What should I get the kids for xyz day?"
I don't see any deceit either. A parent certainly isn't obligated to tell all the grand parents every single thing the kids might want. If they did that, the kid would end up with 3 ipads. Then mom would have to decide which one to keep, which one to return, feelings would get hurt... Unless there is way more to this story, I don't think the daughter did anything wrong or deceitful.
(if this OP is like my MIL she'd not only purposely buy a duplicate gift, but would take it out of the package so it couldn't be returned)
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