moving to where the kids and grandkids live (gift, children, parents)

[no kudzu]

I asked my widowed mother to make a huge move to be closer to us so that I could take care of her when the time came. I had young children at the time and had a friend who was dealing with a job, family and driving up and down the high way to tend to her ailing parents.

She had a very hard time and did not make new friends easily. She wasn't too much interested in our kids activities either. She was terribly depressed. I felt responsible and guilty but i did not want to spend every waking moment with her and encouraged her to reach out. She got lost on the highway trying to find a church function, made a very bad decision which could have cost her her life.

We soon determined she was in early stages of dementia so we all moved in together in one larger house. Almost ruined my marriage as her needs ate into my own and those of my family. Eventually after 10 years I put her in Assisted Living.

She kept saying "I never should have moved down here as I miss all my friends" but she conveniently forgot all her friends were dying off or making similar moves to their children. But if she had not moved to be near us who would have done for her? Who would have carted her to doc appts? Who would talk to the doctor and make important decisions and who would have protected her money?

[NoNansea]

I have one grandchild. He is the son of my deceased son. He died when my grandson was 9. I was determined to stay close to him. The mother, who I've known since she was 14, married & now they have a son.

Everyone lived in or near Orange County, California. Three years ago the step-father accepted a job in Seattle. The mother is a nurse and finds work easily. Two years ago, I leased out my house in California and am renting a house about 15 miles from my grandson. Last year the mother's parents (who I've known for 18 years) sold their house in Long Beach and moved here as well.

When the step-father informed me of their plans, I asked him how are you going to feel when we all follow you up there? He replied that is what they were hoping for. His mother couldn't move because she is CEO of a company in southern California and she has family obligations to her parents & siblings who are not well. But she comes for a visit about 3 times a year. So we're all one big happy family. With both parents working, we have been able to help them out with driving the kids to school and their functions.

If they move again, well we're just renting. So no biggie! My grandson is 15 now and values his relationships with we, the grandparents and all family. He is a terrific kid and I am so thankful for that. I just wish my son could be here to see him growing up.

[MoMo_Gnome]

Originally Posted by willow wind

The question has been asked and answered many times in the retirement forum. Do a search in there and you can see a whole slew of answers and opinions.

Basically it boils down to do what is best for you. Your kids may have to leave for job transfers. Marriages may not last and a remarriage may move a family out of the area.

Grandchildren only want to be around their grandparents when they're little. By the time they're teenagers, they don't want to know their parents, lol, never mind their grandparents. That doesn't mean they don't want you in their lives. It just means that friends take on much more importance in their lives. You won't see them very often.

So when you plan for retirement, find a place you like, a place you like even if you wind up their mostly alone should everyone else move away, should the grandkids loose interest, etc. Find a place where you can have interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with your kids. Find a place where you have friends of your own age.

Don't depend totally on your immediate family for socializing and support. They may not be able to stay.
There is no right or wrong answer, it simply depends on what works for you.

Good thoughts, Willow Wind. We tend to agree with the idea that it boils down to doing what is best for you, and that typically you won't see grandchildren much once they reach teenage years. That certainly happened with my children, but it doesn't mean they're gone out of your lives forever. My kids are very close to my mother because she was involved in their lives during their formative years when we lived close by. We since moved away, and the kids are now married, but they still communicate with her and look forward to seeing Grandma whenever their schedules allow. I feel like this is because she was involved in their lives in those early years.

We are currently living in a home and area we love, and have one grandson nearby. We take full advantage of his proximity and get involved as much as my son and his wife want us to be. Wouldn't trade it for anything in the word….except if we had to move in order to follow them. We hope to retire here, whether or not family is still near by, which makes your statement about not relying too much on immediate family for socializing and support ring strong in our ears. Having interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with our kids/grandkids will be even more important as we get ready for transitioning into retirement in about 6 years.

[MoMo_Gnome]

Originally Posted by Hemlock140

The first thing I would suggest is to talk to your kids, though it seems like most of us can tell whether our kids want us to be close by or not.

As a grandparent of a two year-old, I am happy to live only about 20 miles away so we can spend time with him. We volunteer to take him overnight or sit when they go out because we enjoy it so much. In another 5 years or so when we retire we will move to a place we want to spend out our years, and will probably be farther away from him, and any other grandchildren we may have by then (with two married kids) but will have plenty of time to drive there. Our options so far are within two hours. It seems ridiculous to move to a place you may not like just to be close to family when they could get a job transfer or something and move away from you. We will not be moving cross country or anything but not because of family, we happen to like it here, but plan to use our equity to buy in a less expensive area where we can get a smaller home on more land.

This is our plan as well. Don't want to hijack this thread, but am interested in your findings for possible locations for your retirement home. Can you message me?

[engineman]

Our kids grew up here in Florida. They both have since migrated to the Pacific Northwest. We explored moving there and found that there is no way we could afford it. We have since learned that to us the climate there is miserable for 10 months of the year.

Our daughter has recently said when retirement time comes she wants to come back here.

In the meantime our grandkids are young adults and in Atlanta and Pennsylvania.

[utsci]

I'm not sure that moving to accomodate children and grandchildren is such a great idea. I guess if you have a VERY close relationship it could be great. I have one friend that has always lived across the street from her parents, both in the Midwest and then following her parents to the West Coast as well. While her children were young it was great to have grandparents right across the street. However, it seems there were some pretty defined guidelines for privacy as well.

On the other hand, neither my husband nor myself have any desire to live within 1000 miles of either of our families. It's not that we don't love them but the drama is overwhelming and we choose not to be involved. As my daughter is now in her 20s, she has missed all of the growing years with her grandparents. However, the trade off was that she was able to be a normal kid, making normal mistakes, without the prying eyes of our overly-involved families. There are some regrets, of course, that she does not have close multigenerational relationships, but none the less, she seems to enjoy the company of elderly people just fine. Just so there's a frame of reference, when my daughter moved away to college my mom called me and told me that she would be flying to visit my daughter for Thanksgiving, staying with my daughter in her studio apartment, and doing the whole Thanksgiving feast (in a very small studio kitchen) with my daughter who was in her first semester of grad school and never bothered to ask my 20-something daughter. My daughter came unglued when I told her grandma's plan...to the point of getting a PO Box for her mail as my mom has been known to show up on people's doorsteps completely unannounced.

Our families have never respected boundaries. When our daughter was born both moms called and said they had bought open-ended plane tickets to be here for the birth and stay for a month after. Neither of them had even asked us. Thank goodness we put a stop to it before they arrived (my due date was Sept 4, they were both wanting to fly in at the end of August...just in case...and she was finally born the third week of Sept!) because I can't imagine having both of them here for 6-8 weeks. One couldn't understand why I had no intention of bottle feeding (well, how will you know if she's getting enough?) and neither of them can cook to save themselves, let alone us! The other one said I was crazy for using those new disposable diapers (her little butt will be all red from diapers that hold so much waste!). I was also told that feeding her too much, we were using an on-demand breastfeeding schedule, would cause her stomach to explode. Christmas and birthdays have been a nightmare over the years. There was absolutely one item that my husband just could not stomach...Barbie dolls. I didn't think it was too much to ask to have the grandparents avoid just one item. But no. I decided to peek into the wrapped gifts that arrived by mail and sure enough, Barbie dolls and all of the accessories. Our daughter was too young to understand. And since she had not seen the gifts yet, we decided to donate the Barbies+ to our local charity and replace the gifts with something that had been on her wish list of toys.

Both of our parental units expressed early on that they might like to retire in our area as it is quite a tourist destination with beautiful landscapes, awesome things to do year 'round, and a milder climate than the Midwest. At the time my husband and I were both in career paths that could have moved us anywhere on the West Coast. We explained to both sets of parents the possiblity of our careers moving us. Remember, just because your kids/grandkids live in one place now does not mean they will be there for the rest of your lives. Do you want to pick up and move again to follow them?

Now that my daughter is grown I have asked her how she woud feel if we moved closer to her once she settles down a bit in her career. Her career requires her to live on a salt water coastline, which of course means beachy towns, moderate weather for the most part (she hates the cold so Maine or Massachusetts is not in her gameplan!). We are currently 1800 miles apart which means a long 2-day drive or almost a full day to reach her by plane due to multiple tranfers. She had an interesting answer. She misses us (after just two years) and would like us to be within one day's drive or just a few hours by plane. But she asked us not to move to the same town as she is living in. She values her personal and professional privacy and I respect that. And within 500 miles is fine with me as it would give us much more to consider. However, we are pretty much destined to live in our home, where she grew up in a landlocked state!, unless one of us greatly precedes the other in death. If either of us were alone (neither of us have siblings or 1st cousins) then we have considered the option of moving closer to our daughter.

Both pros and cons to the idea. Closer seems nicer if you have a good relationship. But I'm not sure about living on the same street, or even in the same town.

[stan4]

I assume that the people who are moving to wherever their kids and grandkids are have kids and grandkids you want them there. So the issue that you bring up about them not wanting them nearby is kind of irrelevant.

my grandparents didn't even live on the same continent. I got to know them from extended visits, but it's nothing like what my son has having his grandparents two streets over from him. They are just as much a part of his life as we are. And as my mother was saying the other day, their house is also like his house.

I cannot think of a greater gift to give him than these two people who teach him, feed him, guide him, and shower him with love and attention.

That being said, my parents had already been living in that town since 1989. As had I. And when I was finished with all my school, I moved back to that town. I couldn't think of any place better to live than my home town. So it really worked out well.

I have a feeling that if we moved away for any reason they would strongly feel the need to come with us. They don't even like to go on a trip without facetiming him.

There is little drama in our family. Everyone is a grown-up.

[germaine2626]

There was a similar, recent thread in the retirement forum. Here was my response.

Well, I am still working so it would be impossible for me to move to be close to my grandson, who lives 2,000 miles away. Plus his parents will be moving to a new city in a few months and after that are likely to be moving again in a few years. Our other adult child is not married but when (or if) she gets married and has children the odds of her living in the same part of the country, or the world, as her brother are pretty unlikely.

So where would we move?

At one point my parents had grandchildren living in several different states. Where would they move? Although, my parents are now passed away, their grandchildren now are spread over ten states with one moving to another continent in a few months. If my parents were still alive, where would they move to be close to their grandchildren?

My cousin loves her grandchildren dearly. She & her husband own a house and both have jobs in northern Minnesota. Their grandchildren live in Wisconsin, North Dakota, southern Minnesota and Alaska. In addition, one grandchild moves with her parents who are in the army and are stationed in various places in the US and the world.

Where would they move to be close to their grandchildren?

Sure, it may work well for people who are retired and wealthy enough to move around and only have one set of grandchildren but for most people it is pretty difficult.

[Magritte25]

Originally Posted by sydlee

I'm not sure if I should post this in Parenting or Grandparents.

I'm not a grandparent. But as I've been thinking about planning for retirement and how that will eventually turn out (a long time from now), I've been asking people what they plan to do. Many of them have said they plan to move closer to wherever their kids and presumably grandkids end up living.

But what if your kids don't want you nearby? Does everyone simply assume their kids are going to be OK w/this plan? And if their kids aren't, then what? Do you end up living your final years far away from family? And would you feel content with this?

This is not a snarky inquiry. It's a touchy subject, though, I admit.

As long as you already have healthy boundaries and a good relationship, I can't see why adult children wouldn't want their parents nearby. Its not like you'd be living with your children.

I would hate to live my final years away from children/grandchildren. I think moving to be within driving distance of your family makes sense for everyone involved.

[Magritte25]

I have to argue that teens don't want to spend any time with their grandparents. There are many teens who enjoy spending time with their grandparents MORESO than their parents.