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I'm not sure if I should post this in Parenting or Grandparents.
I'm not a grandparent. But as I've been thinking about planning for retirement and how that will eventually turn out (a long time from now), I've been asking people what they plan to do. Many of them have said they plan to move closer to wherever their kids and presumably grandkids end up living.
But what if your kids don't want you nearby? Does everyone simply assume their kids are going to be OK w/this plan? And if their kids aren't, then what? Do you end up living your final years far away from family? And would you feel content with this?
This is not a snarky inquiry. It's a touchy subject, though, I admit.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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The first thing I would suggest is to talk to your kids, though it seems like most of us can tell whether our kids want us to be close by or not.
As a grandparent of a two year-old, I am happy to live only about 20 miles away so we can spend time with him. We volunteer to take him overnight or sit when they go out because we enjoy it so much. In another 5 years or so when we retire we will move to a place we want to spend out our years, and will probably be farther away from him, and any other grandchildren we may have by then (with two married kids) but will have plenty of time to drive there. Our options so far are within two hours. It seems ridiculous to move to a place you may not like just to be close to family when they could get a job transfer or something and move away from you. We will not be moving cross country or anything but not because of family, we happen to like it here, but plan to use our equity to buy in a less expensive area where we can get a smaller home on more land.
The question has been asked and answered many times in the retirement forum. Do a search in there and you can see a whole slew of answers and opinions.
Basically it boils down to do what is best for you. Your kids may have to leave for job transfers. Marriages may not last and a remarriage may move a family out of the area.
Grandchildren only want to be around their grandparents when they're little. By the time they're teenagers, they don't want to know their parents, lol, never mind their grandparents. That doesn't mean they don't want you in their lives. It just means that friends take on much more importance in their lives. You won't see them very often.
So when you plan for retirement, find a place you like, a place you like even if you wind up their mostly alone should everyone else move away, should the grandkids loose interest, etc. Find a place where you can have interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with your kids. Find a place where you have friends of your own age.
Don't depend totally on your immediate family for socializing and support. They may not be able to stay.
There is no right or wrong answer, it simply depends on what works for you.
The question has been asked and answered many times in the retirement forum. Do a search in there and you can see a whole slew of answers and opinions.
Basically it boils down to do what is best for you. Your kids may have to leave for job transfers. Marriages may not last and a remarriage may move a family out of the area.
Grandchildren only want to be around their grandparents when they're little. By the time they're teenagers, they don't want to know their parents, lol, never mind their grandparents. That doesn't mean they don't want you in their lives. It just means that friends take on much more importance in their lives. You won't see them very often.
So when you plan for retirement, find a place you like, a place you like even if you wind up their mostly alone should everyone else move away, should the grandkids loose interest, etc. Find a place where you can have interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with your kids. Find a place where you have friends of your own age.
Don't depend totally on your immediate family for socializing and support. They may not be able to stay.
There is no right or wrong answer, it simply depends on what works for you.
The question has been asked and answered many times in the retirement forum. Do a search in there and you can see a whole slew of answers and opinions.
Basically it boils down to do what is best for you. Your kids may have to leave for job transfers. Marriages may not last and a remarriage may move a family out of the area.
Grandchildren only want to be around their grandparents when they're little. By the time they're teenagers, they don't want to know their parents, lol, never mind their grandparents. That doesn't mean they don't want you in their lives. It just means that friends take on much more importance in their lives. You won't see them very often.
So when you plan for retirement, find a place you like, a place you like even if you wind up their mostly alone should everyone else move away, should the grandkids loose interest, etc. Find a place where you can have interests and hobbies that have nothing to do with your kids. Find a place where you have friends of your own age.
Don't depend totally on your immediate family for socializing and support. They may not be able to stay.
There is no right or wrong answer, it simply depends on what works for you.
one of sons keep throwing up in my face how I wont move down to where they live . But as I have told all of the kids I cannot afford to live where they live . Then I get the "well they have grandmothers who are there for them " and I tell him well im glad of that but im sorry you don't seem to understand that I cant afford to live where they live again . My daughters understand and so does my other son and they have said nothing . But the one middle son has a problem with me and I think he is on the mean side just like his father throwing things up to me ...don't get me wrong I would love to live where they live but it is just too dog gone costly and I would barely be able to pay my bills down there and could not afford any kind of housing there either but he does not seem to understand that and wants to be mean about it ...so like most of you said do what is best for you which is what Im doing why is it some young people cant understand that ?
one of sons keep throwing up in my face how I wont move down to where they live . But as I have told all of the kids I cannot afford to live where they live . Then I get the "well they have grandmothers who are there for them " and I tell him well im glad of that but im sorry you don't seem to understand that I cant afford to live where they live again . My daughters understand and so does my other son and they have said nothing . But the one middle son has a problem with me and I think he is on the mean side just like his father throwing things up to me ...don't get me wrong I would love to live where they live but it is just too dog gone costly and I would barely be able to pay my bills down there and could not afford any kind of housing there either but he does not seem to understand that and wants to be mean about it ...so like most of you said do what is best for you which is what Im doing why is it some young people cant understand that ?
What a jerk!
Perhaps you should find a listing for a nice, but reasonably priced, house and send it to your middle son with the request that he purchase the house for you (of course, he would need to pay the full price as you could not afford the mortgage payments) and pay for all of your monthly utility bills, too. Please tell him that you would also need a monthly stipend of $500 or $1,000 (or whatever) to purchase food & other essentials as the COL is so much higher where he lives than what you can afford.
If he really, really wants you to live there that is what he should do. Perhaps that will stop his complaining.
Be frank, "Buy me a house, pay all of my utilities and give me a monthly stipend and I will move. If you can not do those things do not ever harass me again about moving." If he continues to harass you just hang up the phone.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-08-2014 at 12:29 PM..
We did move to be close to our grown kids, and had planned to do so eventually, even before we knew we'd be grandparents. Two of our kids live fairly close to each other, so it was easy to decide to move to that area. When our two grands arrived, we knew we really wanted to live close. Luckily for us, our kids wanted us to move. I have never, ever felt that they wish we had not moved closer. I've posted in other places that it is a joy to see the grands frequently, and I treasure these times.
There is another factor in the move though. We didn't want to age far away from our kids. If one of us got sick, our kids would be a long plane ride away from us. It would be hard for them to give us any assistance. And that cuts both ways. We help out with the grands from time to time, so this would be impossible if we had not moved.
If your kids are unenthusiastic about your moving closer, and if you can't be sure they won't move to another place, then I can see that moving might not be the best thing to do. In our case it most definitely is the best thing.
My kids loved their grandmother into their adult years, by the way.
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