Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If the OP has money for cigarettes, she has money for gas.
I was going to just send you a rep privately but then I realized I wanted to give you a public shout out. Amen and amen.
The OP has not been close to her adult children, or even close to them when they were teens. This may or may not be her fault entirely but it is partially her fault.
She is also in denial about how she has negatively affected her health over the years by smoking. She says she has had asthma for decades and that she also worked with dangerous chemicals, and yet she voluntarily added to any damage these may cause by continuing to smoke - and she STILL smokes.
To me, this indicates a level of denial of fault that almost certainly transcends the smoking issue.
If the OP has money for cigarettes, she has money for gas.
You don't seem to understand .I would give everything to go up there to see them and I have ,Over and over again.My problem is the return effort by them . They both work and have good jobs,but I am the one who is always running up there,When they come to the city only a half a mile away or even 3 blocks away to a park just above my home and never stop by to visit.
I have gone up to their home and helped clean ...being ask to by my son . Even though it made me sick for days afterwards .Do to allergies to dog hair and dust..Which they have three large dogs living in the home.
My smoking has noting to do with it ..I buy a pack a month if i need it ..I keep them in the freezer .I take one out if i am upset or my nerves are shot.I know it isn't good for me but it calms me down . They have friends who smoke and they are at their home a lot.So get off the smoking thing already.I am asking for help to get my family back . To stop being the only grandmother ...and mother ..left out of their lives.
As far as i know the road should go both ways..it does but not to my home.
I need ideas to help me figure out how to get them to at least make an effort to come and see me. Not your criticism about my smoking .
I did finally ask my son why he never come to where i live ...his response was that the apartment building I live in (he thinks) it looks like a hospital that i am living here waiting to die.. The building is 8 stories high and is a apartment building ,for people over 50 . It is clean and kept up . My apartment is one of the best and nices ones in the building. I am creative and can make almost any place feel like home..My furniture is some of what I have had for years before i became ill,and the rest is second hand cheap stuff to make my home feel like a home..Yes , this is the place i will most likely live until i die. My home is clean and kept dust free.
I have sold my cloths,shoes,and house hold furniture to get money to buy gas and yes even christmass presents for all of them.Of whitch I don't mind doing ,I no longer have anything more to sell . There comes a time when you just gotta say it's your turn to make a effort to come see me..Isn't it?
I was going to just send you a rep privately but then I realized I wanted to give you a public shout out. Amen and amen.
The OP has not been close to her adult children, or even close to them when they were teens. This may or may not be her fault entirely but it is partially her fault.
She is also in denial about how she has negatively affected her health over the years by smoking. She says she has had asthma for decades and that she also worked with dangerous chemicals, and yet she voluntarily added to any damage these may cause by continuing to smoke - and she STILL smokes.
To me, this indicates a level of denial of fault that almost certainly transcends the smoking issue.
First of all ...I have tied to be close to them...over and over again ...calling asking if i could come and see them the response it always I'm busy Mom i will call you back...which never happens. To this day i still am the one who calls all the time asking them if they had time to could come here . Or if we could meet somewhere in the middle to just hang out or walk in the park...Nothing .It's getting very hard to be the one always giving and not getting anything back.
As far as the dangerous chemicals ...My youngest son is a Marine . My way of helping out the war effort was to work making Kevlar vest for the military .Which made me feel closer to him while he was over in Afg. fighting ...the chemicals was the fire retardant and the Kevlar which got into my lungs..from the Kevlar vest i was making ..also there was a fire in the building in the helmets part of the building ..do to the nature of my breathing problems this already made me more at risk . For the dangerous chemicals to damage my lungs ..Any one who has smoked knows it is very hard to stop ..Getting upset sets off my Asthma ...so i try what i can to relax ...Bash me for my smoking all you want but it isn't the problem here ..IT'S THE DOGS AND THE DUST .THAT MAKES ME SICK...
My youngest son does come to visit me when he isn't working or if he is in the city..he always stops . If i need anything he comes to help no questions. At times he has even offered me money to help me out paying bills and for food.which i won't take ..... But for my oldest he can't be bothered ...even before he got married ...If it weren't my youngest picking him up and bringing him to where i lived for dinner ..he would never come .
it doesn't sound like your son and his wife want to make an effort in their lives to include you. sad to say but if they don't want to extend themselves to you there isn't much you can do about it.
with your health issues you can and should stop smoking. I is hard but doable. use the patch and take wellbutrin. you can do it. I was a 2 pack a day smoker for more than 20 years and did it. you will be glad you did. lots of things will relieve stress it does not have to be a cig.
First of all ...I have tied to be close to them...over and over again ...calling asking if i could come and see them the response it always I'm busy Mom i will call you back...which never happens. To this day i still am the one who calls all the time asking them if they had time to could come here . Or if we could meet somewhere in the middle to just hang out or walk in the park...Nothing .It's getting very hard to be the one always giving and not getting anything back.
As far as the dangerous chemicals ...My youngest son is a Marine . My way of helping out the war effort was to work making Kevlar vest for the military .Which made me feel closer to him while he was over in Afg. fighting ...the chemicals was the fire retardant and the Kevlar which got into my lungs..from the Kevlar vest i was making ..also there was a fire in the building in the helmets part of the building ..do to the nature of my breathing problems this already made me more at risk . For the dangerous chemicals to damage my lungs ..Any one who has smoked knows it is very hard to stop ..Getting upset sets off my Asthma ...so i try what i can to relax ...Bash me for my smoking all you want but it isn't the problem here ..IT'S THE DOGS AND THE DUST .THAT MAKES ME SICK...
My youngest son does come to visit me when he isn't working or if he is in the city..he always stops . If i need anything he comes to help no questions. At times he has even offered me money to help me out paying bills and for food.which i won't take ..... But for my oldest he can't be bothered ...even before he got married ...If it weren't my youngest picking him up and bringing him to where i lived for dinner ..he would never come .
My advice is to stop reaching out. If you are calling all the time, and leaving Facebook comments about the lack of visits, you are not doing your cause any good.
I understand how you feel, honestly I do. But, my own kids had a similar situation with divorced paternal grandparents. Neither one had much money. The grandparent they saw more often lived in a trailer. He also lived almost 4 hours away. It was very difficult to plan a visit to him, I think we made it out there twice before he died. But when we did see him (usually at our house), he showered the kids with attention, not toys. And he was always upbeat. Their grandmother, on the other hand, resented the fact that taking them to see her in her high rise senior housing was not something we were eager to do. There was nothing there to keep three little boys happy and occupied. We did sometimes pick her up and take her to dinner, but it wasn't often. We had busy lives and were admittedly possessive of our weekends. But the biggest obstacle to her forming a strong bond with her grandsons was her own attitude. Visits with her always started off with negative comments about how long it had been since she saw them, and she would leave messages on the answering machine complaining that she hadn't heard from us.
One grandparent fostered a relationship via his positive attitude, and the other curtailed it by being negative.
I have seen my 2 yr old grandson exactly once, although he lives much further away than yours. We have asked them to come visit too, without a commitment from them. But, the invitation stands, without any recriminations. I know they are busy. Our son works, our DIL was studying for the LSAT and will be starting law school. Their weekends are the only time they have to spend as a family, and I have no right to intrude on that. I am content with regular pictures and videos. I also don't spend a lot of money on the child. For Valentine's Day, I sent him a heart shaped lollipop in a card. It cost me more to mail than to buy, but I got a cute video of him enjoying it in return.
There is nothing you can do to force a visit. My advice is to step back, and realize that although you may not be happy with the state of affairs, it is out of your hands.
I don't want to come down on you, but...if you were my mom, I think I would avoid you too. You seem to play the victim a lot! And have a very depressive outlook on life. And you *did* leave your sons with a man who was abusive. Sometimes the kids then take the brunt of that abuse after the parent leaves. Sometimes they are "brainwashed" (heck, you DID leave your kids!).
I am not saying you aren't doing the best you can do at this time, but I think maybe the root of avoiding you is your behavior or outlook on life. Maybe some counseling could help?
It's a tough situation. The only way for you to "win" and see them more is to make sacrifices and have an upbeat attitude. You may or may not be willing to do that. Only you can decide.
Life isn't fair for anyone. They are happy with how things are now, so you have to be the catalyst for changing it. (Or make peace with how things are currently.)
If you only live an hour away, go meet them for lunch somewhere. You don't even have to enter their home.
I am sorry for you. Yes, you made some HUGE mistakes, but most people have (including myself). It know that I would be very sad, too, if I were in your position.
Anyway, I can't help but think that someone would be willing to drive you to your son's (assuming that he IS willing to have you visit if you can find your own way) if he or she were going to the town your son lived in, anyway. If I knew someone in your position and I had to go to that town, I would certainly give you a lift IF you did not smoke or smell of cigarette smoke. (I am VERY sensitive to it to the point that it literally makes me nauseous if I even smell it on someone's clothes!)
Is there anyone from your church (or whatever), senior citizens center, or someone you could ask? Of course, in your shoes, I would definitely offer to give what I could toward gas, even if was only $5.00, though.
I wish you good luck and you and your son will reconcile before too long.
P.S. If you haven't done so already -- I haven't read all your posts -- I would also definitely write a letter to acknowledge the things you did wrong and ask for his forgiveness.
Look, the household you describe your children growing up in is a hugely dysfunctional scenario, and there's quite a bit of dysfunction in the way you describe publicly calling your children out on facebook.
My father is an absolute jerk. I blame him for the bulk of the problems within my parents' marriage, but I'm still closer to him than I am to my mother. But he's been a great dad (and he was not abusive towards my mother). My dad has been unrelentingly proud of me, and when I call him out on his behavior and set boundaries, he responds in a positive way. He has had my back through some of the most difficult times of my life.
My mother - who most people see as sunshine and light - took her unhappiness out on me during her 25-year marriage. I never got to know her until she divorced my father and created a happy life for herself - I was 30. While I was growing up she was hugely critical of me, frequently emotionally abusive and manipulative, willfully blind about some of my problems, and determined to live vicariously through me. I find every moment in her presence to be uncomfortable. I love her, I really do, but I take no joy from my visits with her or phone calls from her. As she has become a happier person, she had become more observant and respectful of my boundaries and that makes it easier. That's what keeps me coming back to visit.
But she steadfastly refuses to acknowledge that she was a less-than-perfect mother - any attempt to talk about it rationally just results in screaming personal attacks. When I'm around her, I feel like I'm playing along with a script, and if I deviate from it I'm going to set off a ticking bomb. I work hard to maintain a relationship with her because she DID fight to make sure I had a lot of advantages in my life that my father didn't think were important, and a lot of my happiness today is the result of her pushing me when I was younger. So I owe her for that. But I also can't help but acknowledge the fact that she very obviously planned to reap the benefits of my success (too bad I'm not THAT successful) by encouraging me to marry for wealth and give her lots of grandchildren (and a shore house).
And she just WANTS so much from me. She wants to spend time with me. She wants me to give her grandchildren. She wants me to visit her (but won't visit me, though she takes plenty of cruises). She is an endless pit of need when I'm around her, and I feel like no matter how much I give it will never be enough. Ironically, if I'm being completely honest, part of the reason I don't have kids is that I have a deep-seated fear that I will become a mother like her.
I believe my mother's marriage emotionally stunted her - my father did not treat her with a great deal of regard and was happy to take her for granted. I knew he was a jerk - he also treated a lot of the other people in his life like crap. But it was my mother who would react angrily when I'd call him out on his behavior. I even remember her slapping my face one time when I was grousing to her about how horribly my father had behaved on one occasion toward another person.
So here's the thing. You made a choice to handle your abusive husband a certain way. You shielded your sons from his behavior, when you should have removed them from his life. You let them have what they thought was a great father, and now you want to take that away from them by opening up about the abuse. That puts them in a terrible position.
And staying in that marriage warped you. You tried your best under the conditions, but I guarantee you that marriage affected how you parented your children in a negative way. They only saw that negative parenting from you and not the things you hid from them. You abetted their father in that respect. You're asking them to deny a reality that you and their father both fed them. That's hard for anyone to do.
You've been through the wringer - I'm not going to deny it. But you laid the foundations for this outcome with your choices, as well-intentioned as they were. So you've got to deal with the reality of your situation and not what you WISH things were like.
Here's my advice:
Stop selling your possessions to buy them gifts - that's crazy and is only something that would drive them further away if they knew. You're on a fixed income and you need that money - be realistic. Your kids get a card, the baby gets a small stuffed animal or something. That's it.
Stop FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY playing out your family drama on facebook. That is bat**** insane and it is DEFINITELY one of the reasons that you don't see your son and his family that much. That alone would be enough for me to shut you down if I was your kid.
Stop fetishizing your grandson. Your son may be wary of providing you much access to him because you are so desperate about him. He's 2. He's a child. He cannot be the sole source of happiness for you - you are there for him, not the other way around.
Find some kind of happiness in your life. I realize that seems impossible when you're alone, broke and ill, but you need to accept your past choices and mistakes and your current situation. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, but what I've found is that happiness is work. I spend a lot of time appreciating "stupid" things, like how warm I feel under a blanket or how wonderful it is to sit in a ray of sunshine. Go to the park and make some friends or try anything you can to build out your life independently of your children. My father is 83 and he has a whole social life at the local Barnes & Noble - he talks to anyone and loves asking people about their lives and what they're reading. It's like the man has groupies. Most of his friends are dead, but he has this whole world at a retail store around the corner, where he falls asleep on the furniture on a regular basis. This matters because...
You need to be upbeat, positive and non-accusatory when you deal with your family. You need to be... unneedy. Can the desperation and facebook-shaming, stay positive and reach out on occasion from a position of strength, not need.
I'm not sure if all of this makes sense, but that's all I got.
Look, the household you describe your children growing up in is a hugely dysfunctional scenario, and there's quite a bit of dysfunction in the way you describe publicly calling your children out on facebook.
My father is an absolute jerk. I blame him for the bulk of the problems within my parents' marriage, but I'm still closer to him than I am to my mother. But he's been a great dad (and he was not abusive towards my mother). My dad has been unrelentingly proud of me, and when I call him out on his behavior and set boundaries, he responds in a positive way. He has had my back through some of the most difficult times of my life.
My mother - who most people see as sunshine and light - took her unhappiness out on me during her 25-year marriage. I never got to know her until she divorced my father and created a happy life for herself - I was 30. While I was growing up she was hugely critical of me, frequently emotionally abusive and manipulative, willfully blind about some of my problems, and determined to live vicariously through me. I find every moment in her presence to be uncomfortable. I love her, I really do, but I take no joy from my visits with her or phone calls from her. As she has become a happier person, she had become more observant and respectful of my boundaries and that makes it easier. That's what keeps me coming back to visit.
But she steadfastly refuses to acknowledge that she was a less-than-perfect mother - any attempt to talk about it rationally just results in screaming personal attacks. When I'm around her, I feel like I'm playing along with a script, and if I deviate from it I'm going to set off a ticking bomb. I work hard to maintain a relationship with her because she DID fight to make sure I had a lot of advantages in my life that my father didn't think were important, and a lot of my happiness today is the result of her pushing me when I was younger. So I owe her for that. But I also can't help but acknowledge the fact that she very obviously planned to reap the benefits of my success (too bad I'm not THAT successful) by encouraging me to marry for wealth and give her lots of grandchildren (and a shore house).
And she just WANTS so much from me. She wants to spend time with me. She wants me to give her grandchildren. She wants me to visit her (but won't visit me, though she takes plenty of cruises). She is an endless pit of need when I'm around her, and I feel like no matter how much I give it will never be enough. Ironically, if I'm being completely honest, part of the reason I don't have kids is that I have a deep-seated fear that I will become a mother like her.
I believe my mother's marriage emotionally stunted her - my father did not treat her with a great deal of regard and was happy to take her for granted. I knew he was a jerk - he also treated a lot of the other people in his life like crap. But it was my mother who would react angrily when I'd call him out on his behavior. I even remember her slapping my face one time when I was grousing to her about how horribly my father had behaved on one occasion toward another person.
So here's the thing. You made a choice to handle your abusive husband a certain way. You shielded your sons from his behavior, when you should have removed them from his life. You let them have what they thought was a great father, and now you want to take that away from them by opening up about the abuse. That puts them in a terrible position.
And staying in that marriage warped you. You tried your best under the conditions, but I guarantee you that marriage affected how you parented your children in a negative way. They only saw that negative parenting from you and not the things you hid from them. You abetted their father in that respect. You're asking them to deny a reality that you and their father both fed them. That's hard for anyone to do.
You've been through the wringer - I'm not going to deny it. But you laid the foundations for this outcome with your choices, as well-intentioned as they were. So you've got to deal with the reality of your situation and not what you WISH things were like.
Here's my advice:
Stop selling your possessions to buy them gifts - that's crazy and is only something that would drive them further away if they knew. You're on a fixed income and you need that money - be realistic. Your kids get a card, the baby gets a small stuffed animal or something. That's it.
Stop FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY playing out your family drama on facebook. That is bat**** insane and it is DEFINITELY one of the reasons that you don't see your son and his family that much. That alone would be enough for me to shut you down if I was your kid.
Stop fetishizing your grandson. Your son may be wary of providing you much access to him because you are so desperate about him. He's 2. He's a child. He cannot be the sole source of happiness for you - you are there for him, not the other way around.
Find some kind of happiness in your life. I realize that seems impossible when you're alone, broke and ill, but you need to accept your past choices and mistakes and your current situation. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, but what I've found is that happiness is work. I spend a lot of time appreciating "stupid" things, like how warm I feel under a blanket or how wonderful it is to sit in a ray of sunshine. Go to the park and make some friends or try anything you can to build out your life independently of your children. My father is 83 and he has a whole social life at the local Barnes & Noble - he talks to anyone and loves asking people about their lives and what they're reading. It's like the man has groupies. Most of his friends are dead, but he has this whole world at a retail store around the corner, where he falls asleep on the furniture on a regular basis. This matters because...
You need to be upbeat, positive and non-accusatory when you deal with your family. You need to be... unneedy. Can the desperation and facebook-shaming, stay positive and reach out on occasion from a position of strength, not need.
I'm not sure if all of this makes sense, but that's all I got.
Excellent advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurt and Heartbroken
.
You see their Father now has money due to his New wife so he is happy . He dotes on my sons and my grandson as much as he can .
.So now i am on SSDI .I have always had Asthma but do to the damage in my lungs it is much worse. I used what money I had in a retirement account to pay doctor bills.So no i have no such money to spend on taking them out to dinner ,buying them cars, buying all kinda toys for our Grandson. I don't know if he does this out of guilt for making me leave or to make me look bad.
BTW, grandchildren do not need "all kinda toys", adult children do not need parents to buy them new cars or take them out to dinner. Just love and respect your sons, their SOs and your grandson.
I really hope that things work out well for you and your family.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
