Being left out as a Grandmother . (parents, kids, old, month)
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OK ,not really sure how to start this but here it goes.
I don't know what to do .I have a almost 2 year old Grandson I hardly get to see. I am disabled and so is my husband . Which means our income is low.I live about a hour away from my son and daughter -in-law . The only way I get to see my Grandson is if i travel there to see him .My son and his wife often visits the city I now live in ,but never comes to see me. Moving closer to them is not something we can do .I need to be close to my doctors and hospital. I have Asthma ,lung damage,and COPD.
With my health problems ,I take a risk every time I visit them of becoming worse .There home is not clean and with three dogs and the dust I feel ill after being there. With them not wanting to come visit me at my home ,this causes me to be left out of their lives . I also get told that if I cared and was so worried about seeing them I would go to their home more often .Because I can't do to my health and with having limited funds for the gas to and from their home ,I am the Grandparent who is being left out .
I guess i should add that I am divorced from my son's father and he and his wife lives about 10 minutes from them and he get to see them all the time .
Am I wrong to at least want them to come to my home so I could be apart of his life ? It upsets me to see on Facebook that they have been in the city where I live but never stopped by to visit .Not even for a few minutes .I tell them about it and i am called a child and I need to grow up.That they are busy and always have an excuse not to come to my home.They never call or even talk to me on facebook,only when i post that i am unhappy they didn't stop by or refuse to come and see me . Then it becomes an argument .They tell me all i want is drama ...
What do I do to get them to come around and let me be the Grandmother that I have always wanted to be to my Grandson?
OK ,not really sure how to start this but here it goes.
I don't know what to do .I have a almost 2 year old Grandson I hardly get to see. I am disabled and so is my husband . Which means our income is low.I live about a hour away from my son and daughter -in-law . The only way I get to see my Grandson is if i travel there to see him .My son and his wife often visits the city I now live in ,but never comes to see me. Moving closer to them is not something we can do .I need to be close to my doctors and hospital. I have Asthma ,lung damage,and COPD.
With my health problems ,I take a risk every time I visit them of becoming worse .There home is not clean and with three dogs and the dust I feel ill after being there. With them not wanting to come visit me at my home ,this causes me to be left out of their lives . I also get told that if I cared and was so worried about seeing them I would go to their home more often .Because I can't do to my health and with having limited funds for the gas to and from their home ,I am the Grandparent who is being left out .
I guess i should add that I am divorced from my son's father and he and his wife lives about 10 minutes from them and he get to see them all the time .
Am I wrong to at least want them to come to my home so I could be apart of his life ? It upsets me to see on Facebook that they have been in the city where I live but never stopped by to visit .Not even for a few minutes .I tell them about it and i am called a child and I need to grow up.That they are busy and always have an excuse not to come to my home.They never call or even talk to me on facebook,only when i post that i am unhappy they didn't stop by or refuse to come and see me . Then it becomes an argument .They tell me all i want is drama ...
What do I do to get them to come around and let me be the Grandmother that I have always wanted to be to my Grandson?
What if you tried to always be positive and proactive?
Normally, I would suggest to do these things privately, but i suspect that your son & DIL are the ones who are being childish and causing the drama so try doing it things publicly, via Facebook.
"Dear Mary & John & Baby Jack, I would love to see all of you over Easter vacation. Can you come to visit me for Sunday dinner or on Saturday afternoon? If that does not work into your schedule how about Friday night at 6 PM? I just checked out a bunch of children's books from the public library to read to Jack. Love, Mom & Dad."
If they respond "No", then just respond "That is too bad, please stop in the next time that you are in (my) town. Love, Mom & Dad" NO DRAMA, as that will defeat your goal of seeing them more often.
A few weeks later, send another very upbeat, positive request for them to visit via Facebook, perhaps mentioning some free child-centered activity in your town that you would enjoy taking them to see. "I am sure that Jack, and all of you, would love the train show. Would Saturday morning or Saturday afternoon work out better? It is also open on Sunday at 1 PM."
If they say "No" again, just be positive and and again ask them to just stop in when they visit your town.
Frankly, your son & DIL sound pretty self-centered and it may take pressure from other relatives and their friends to push them into regular visits (if people keep reading on Facebook that you are inviting them and they are refusing again & again it may make them want to visit).
In the mean time just send cute cards or an occasional photograph to your grandson (to start a pattern of love that he knows that you care about him).
BTW, even if it may effect your health (a little) I would recommend trying to visit them at least sometimes in their home. Or going to their city to do a free child-centered activity with them.
BTW, how often did you see your son & DIL before they had a child? Did you show that you cared for them even before they had a child? I am not suggesting that you did this, but I have heard of parents that rarely saw or talked with their adult children until they had children and then, suddenly, the new grandparents wanted to make up for all of the years of neglect and ill-treatment towards their own children by being supergrandparents.
Good luck.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-29-2015 at 02:44 PM..
I'm really sorry for all you are going through. But to me, something seems off to the story...mostly the missing other side. There has to be some bad blood between you all somewhere before this. Or maybe behaviors they don't want around their kid? There has to be another side to this story. If you can think of that, maybe you can figure out how to make it better.
I agree with Highflyingbird here. Something is missing. Are you by any chance smokers? Your list of ailments would indicate so. I stopped smoking in order to see my grandson. It wasn't easy, but it was a goal I thought worthwhile, and the parents have every right to make that stipulation.
Do not, under any circumstances, try to make it a public issue on Facebook. That will bite you in the butt, and I wouldn't blame the parents one bit for reacting negatively.
I have to add, I am the left out grandmother too. Due to distance, in our case. Our grandson's other grandparents live in the same town he does, so they see him all the time. I don't care. I have a full life of my own. You need to find other interests of your own. Your grandson is not a second chance to mother.
I'm really sorry for all you are going through. But to me, something seems off to the story...mostly the missing other side. There has to be some bad blood between you all somewhere before this. Or maybe behaviors they don't want around their kid? There has to be another side to this story. If you can think of that, maybe you can figure out how to make it better.
No, I don't agree that something is missing.
There is a MASSIVE epidemic of adult children abandoning their parents, and denying those parents access to the beloved children, for no good reason.
It's not the "abused kids" that do this or the kids from a terrible alcoholic home; it's the coddled kids, who were given everything possible, and raised in a decent loving home, and surrounded with love and support and tender care.
I'm in an "Estranged Parents" Facebook group that has THOUSANDS of members and our number is legion.
This is a huge problem in today's society, and psychologists have posited that being shunned, abandoned and estranged by your adult child can be more emotionally wrenching than the death of a grown child. There is no closure. It's open-ended pain that just goes on and on. And it's a secret pain, for if you tell anyone your story, there's a presumption that you - the parent - must have done somthing unspeakably awful to that poor dear child. Take the two posts above mine, for example: "Something is missing."
No, probably not. Re-read the original post. This is an older women in great pain and trying to figure out why she can't have time with her grandchild. Who can imagine what that's like?
I can.
Abandoning a parent is considered an extreme type of emotional abuse for both the grandparents and the grandchild.
I speak from the heart and from experience.
In my case, I have three children. Two of them are wonderful, supportive, successful and very close to their family. There's a third "child" (age 34) that has nothing to do with us.
There are no words to describe the pain this has cost me. Just no words.
This is one area of life that unless you've experienced it, you just can't imagine the pain. And it is unrelenting. It just goes on day after day after day. Maybe in a weak moment, you log onto Facebook to catch a glimpse of the grandchild that is growing up without you, and then you cry. Or you call the child - one more time - hoping she'll call you back. And when the days turn into weeks, you cry some more. And then Mother's Day comes, and you hope and pray an email might arrive, but nothing.
I've been dealing with this for seven years now.
It takes two people to have a relationship, and if you've got one person (in this case, the adult child) who refuses to have any communication, what can you do? Nothing.
Not a *&^% thing.
Is it mental illness? Or is it narcissism? Or is it self-absorption? Or is it immaturity? Or is it just raw mean-spirited abuse? Or is it that these "kids" never learned how to show kindness? Or is it a lack of empathy?
I don't know. I'm a smart cookie and I was a good mom, and I can tell you, there are hundreds of thousands of parents dealing with this and it is our secret shame.
Ok, the something missing ..I really did want to get this to involved ..But here it goes ..if you must need to know.
.I divorced their father because he was abusive both physically and mentally towards me .Both of my son's were in their late teens by then .I wanted them to come with me but they wanted to say close to their friends .They both knew where i lived and knew i was just a phone call away if they needed me .I didn't stay in the town we lived in.I couldn't it was to close to their father.He went so far as to follow me home ,stole my Jeep and threaten to blow it up.So i would move back with him .
Their wonderful father never touched them .By the time I left both were able to take care of it ..themselves if it did. Instead he blamed them for me leaving. Told them things i never did ..denied that he ever laid a hand on me ..This kinda my fault ,I hid it from them .When i knew it was going to start i would tell them to go to their friends home .Or give them money to go to the movies . My fault for trying to raise boy to men who did treat their wife like their Father did to me. MY fault for not taken pictures of the bruises for proof that their father was not the man he likes the world to see.So yes they
blame me for leaving .When i tell them what happen they don't believe me .Only what he has told them over and over again.
Yes i tried to go see them as much as i could and called every chance i got ,After a while the return calls stopped and they were to busy to meet me some where or even just talk on the phone. Still happens today as for this problem i am now having .When they do need me for something I drop everything and run to help .Even at the expense of not having the money for my med.Because i used the money for the gas to get up there and back .
Yes , I have smoked and still do very little and never around my Grandson.I am not a monster .
You see their Father now has money due to his New wife so he is happy . He dotes on my sons and my grandson as much as he can .Me I worked all my life and the damage that was done to my lungs was not the smoking it was from the chemicals in the materials i was working with while working ..Being my lung doctor can't prove this 100% .I have no case .So now i am on SSDI .I have always had Asthma but do to the damage in my lungs it is much worse. I used what money I had in a retirement account to pay doctor bills.So no i have no such money to spend on taking them out to dinner ,buying them cars, buying all kinda toys for our Grandson. I don't know if he does this out of guilt for making me leave or to make me look bad.
I have tried everything to make them understand all I want is my family back and yes my Grandson is a plus but sometimes i feel they use him to get back at me .
I have cried more than you ever know. Leaving my son's with their father ,and for them not giving me a chance to be in their lives..
The OP has not been denied access to her grandchild. The parents have told her she can come visit. I don't buy the story that she can't come up with the gas money for something that is important to her. An hour by car is about 60 miles. Even if she gets less than 20 mph, we are still talking about less than $20.00 for gas.
I have lived through estrangement with the parents of my grandchild. The only shame I felt was on behalf of my son, who allowed it to happen. But, I never closed the door, and he finally reached out. The OP said she has chastised the parents on Facebook. With that tactic, she is never going to win.
I think Germaine gave excellent advice. Your son is not doing the right thing by not stopping by and spending time with you. However if it's something you really want, follow the advice.
It isn't right, and I cannot imagine the pain you feel from not seeing your grandson. Perhaps from ther perspective they are frustrated because you don't make an effort to visit them, you want them to come and see you. They may feel it is a lot to ask.
It seems as if both sides of the family need to give a little to make positive changes.
The OP has not been denied access to her grandchild. The parents have told her she can come visit. I don't buy the story that she can't come up with the gas money for something that is important to her. An hour by car is about 60 miles. Even if she gets less than 20 mph, we are still talking about less than $20.00 for gas.
Unfortunately, there are truly situations where people simply do not have $20 to spend on gasoline, or they need to decide if they will use that $20 for their medication or for food or to pay enough of the electric bill so that they don't turn off the electricity that month.
Unfortunately, there are truly situations where people simply do not have $20 to spend on gasoline, or they need to decide if they will use that $20 for their medication or for food or to pay enough of the electric bill so that they don't turn off the electricity that month.
If the OP has money for cigarettes, she has money for gas.
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