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My parents have seen our 4 month old only once. They are not planning on visiting anytime soon. Before our son was born, they didn't visit either. They say they have health problems, so they can't visit. Its too hard. However Chicago is only a 7 hour drive from Cleveland. If they can't drive, the flight is an hour. My dad is apparently healthy enough to maintain his 2 acre 2500 square foot house. He has a walking lawnmower that he still uses. My mom can't go by herself because she uses a cain and cant drive but is willing to come if my dad comes along. Looks like the responsibility is on us. Sound familiar to anyone?
Before our son was born, they didn't visit either.
...
They say they have health problems, so they can't visit. Its too hard.
...
However Chicago is only a 7 hour drive from Cleveland.
So get in your car and go see them, or fly like you said.
Some people just aren't excited to be grandparents. My mom didn't come until my kids were like 9 months old. And only held them once. My dad still doesn't know their names or ages (and they are in elementary school and I talk to him once a month or so).
My parents have seen our 4 month old only once. They are not planning on visiting anytime soon. Before our son was born, they didn't visit either.
They say they have health problems, so they can't visit. Its too hard. However Chicago is only a 7 hour drive from Cleveland. If they can't drive, the flight is an hour. My dad is apparently healthy enough to maintain his 2 acre 2500 square foot house. He has a walking lawnmower that he still uses. My mom can't go by herself because she uses a cain and cant drive but is willing to come if my dad comes along. Looks like the responsibility is on us. Sound familiar to anyone?
Sheesh! Just because YOU, a young, healthy adult, feel that a 7 hour drive is easy, it may not mean the same for older, or elderly parents. Don't you believe them when they say that they have health problems and it is too hard for them? What do you want? A notarized letter from their doctor?
Just because your dad uses a lawn mower you have no idea if he has to stop every 15 minutes and a take a break or needs to spread the weekly lawn mowing over multiple days. In addition, depending on the reason that your mother uses a cane and can't drive, it may make riding in a car, for multiple hours, very difficult, possibly even dangerous to her health (blood clots, swelling/fluid retention, complications from arthritis, stiffness, etc.).
As an example, the last long trip that my mother was able to take by car (what others could drive in six hours) was very difficult. Her doctor needed to give her special medications to combat the swelling & pain in her legs, and required that the driver stop after an hour and let my mother walk for five minutes and then lay on the back seat if the car, with her legs elevated for five to ten minutes. So, a ten to fifteen minute break after each hour of riding in a car. And my mother still ended up in excruciating pain and could barely walk during her visit. When she returned home, she basically stayed in bed for almost a week to recover.
And, you, probably are not privy to their finances, either. Your parents may be struggling to pay the bills on their 2,500 square foot millionaire level mansion (sarcasm) and may not be able to afford two plane tickets.
Now, if you said that your parents routinely drive to visit friends who live 7 or more hours away, or routinely take vacations where they buy plane tickets and fly to far away places, or if they had visited you numerous times before their grandchild was born, that would be a different story but you have not said that.
You only said that they said that they had health problems and it was too hard for them to travel.
I hope that you and your family are able to work this out.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-16-2016 at 02:29 PM..
My parents have seen our 4 month old only once. They are not planning on visiting anytime soon. Before our son was born, they didn't visit either. They say they have health problems, so they can't visit. Its too hard. However Chicago is only a 7 hour drive from Cleveland. If they can't drive, the flight is an hour. My dad is apparently healthy enough to maintain his 2 acre 2500 square foot house. He has a walking lawnmower that he still uses. My mom can't go by herself because she uses a cain and cant drive but is willing to come if my dad comes along. Looks like the responsibility is on us. Sound familiar to anyone?
I'm wondering how often you think a 7 hour drive to visit should be made? Do you have accommodations for visitors, or are they expected to get a hotel? Is your house easy to navigate for somebody who needs a cane?
I think one visit over the first few months is reasonable, especially when one is talking about a long distance.
They can afford a plane ticket but they would have to stay at a hotel since the bedrooms are upstairs. Before visiting last time they have not been here in close to 2 years. So I see the same pattern. I am familiar with how my dad takes care of the house and that takes a lot of energy especially of that size. If you can spend several hours mowing a lawn of that size, you cant drive or hop on a plane? Plus he always has outdoor projects he is working on. How about in the winter when he complains he is bored since he has no outddoor projects. Im just saying looks like they shifted the responsibility to visiting to us and if we can't figure it out, oh well.
They can afford a plane ticket but they would have to stay at a hotel since the bedrooms are upstairs. Before visiting last time they have not been here in close to 2 years. So I see the same pattern. I am familiar with how my dad takes care of the house and that takes a lot of energy especially of that size. I'm just saying looks like they shifted the responsibility to visiting to us and if we can't figure it out, oh well. I
And, it seems it may be a justified shift. How many times did you make that trip in 2 years to visit them?
Plane tickets + hotel + some meals = +/- $1000. So again, how often do you think they should visit?
They can afford a plane ticket but they would have to stay at a hotel since the bedrooms are upstairs. Before visiting last time they have not been here in close to 2 years. So I see the same pattern. I am familiar with how my dad takes care of the house and that takes a lot of energy especially of that size. If you can spend several hours mowing a lawn of that size, you cant drive or hop on a plane? Plus he always has outdoor projects he is working on. How about in the winter when he complains he is bored since he has no outddoor projects. Im just saying looks like they shifted the responsibility to visiting to us and if we can't figure it out, oh well.
So, in your opinion, your dad is healthy enough to travel. But what about your mom? Can she handle a plane trip? Can she handle a seven hour car ride?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
And, it seems it may be a justified shift. How many times did you make that trip in 2 years to visit them? Plane tickets + hotel + some meals = +/- $1000. So again, how often do you think they should visit?
When you visit them do you need to stay in a hotel? Do you need to eat some/many of your meals in restaurants? You may be greatly underestimating the cost involved for them. When our grandson was born we flew 2,000 miles to see them and stayed a week. The plane tickets, parking fees at the airport, taxi costs to get to where we were staying were close to $1,000 and our AirBnB was almost $1,000 (high COL city). Since I was still working both a full & a part time job (without vacation days) I had $700 in lost wages. I'm not sure how much money we spent during our trip but I am sure that it was at least $400 (food for meals at the AirBnB, a few taxis, carry-out food brought for easy meals when we visited their apartment). So, our trip to see them cost us over $3,000 (a huge, huge expenditure for us).
When our son, DIL & new grandson traveled to see us at the next Christmas their two plane tickets cost $600. Someone drive them to the airport so they did not have any parking fees and we picked them up at the airport so they did not have any taxi fees. They stayed at our house and ate most of their meals at our house or in the house of people that they were visiting. We bought the extra groceries & things that they needed while here. They borrowed our car so they did not need to rent a car. And, both of them were able to use vacation days from their jobs so they did not lose any income. So, their trip to see us cost them about $600, a pretty manageable amount. Now, I'm not complaining because we wanted to visit them, but I know that our son was shocked when I told him how much the trip cost us.
Hmmm, Over $3,000 cost to us when we visited and only a $600 cost to them when our son/DIL/grandchild visited us a few months later. Of course, your numbers will be completely different.
And, I wanted to point out something that you "glossed over" in your post. Your house only has bedrooms upstairs so you knew that your mother, who uses a cane, could not sleep there. Some people may think that you were not planning ahead or not wanting your parents, or any older relatives or friends, to be able to easily visit you. Something to consider.
I don't know if they are visiting you too little or not. I don't know if you are visiting then too little or not. Among my acquaintances and co-workers I have seen both sides. Selfish, inconsiderate adult children who expect the grandparents to do all or most of the traveling (sometimes when it is quite difficult for them) and I have also seen selfish, inconsiderate grandparents who expect their adult children to do all of the traveling. I have also seen situations where one side thinks that the other side is selfish and inconsiderate when they probably aren't.
I should point out that among my friends and relatives everyone seems to have worked out visiting systems that work for them. Usually the grandparents travel sometimes to visit the adult children & grandchildren and the adult children & grandkids travel some of the time to visit the older generation. Win-win.
There may be other things to think about. Do your parents have other grandchildren? How often do they see them? Are you encouraging your parents to be a part of your life & their grandchild's life? Do you Skype or FaceTime often? Do you take photographs & videos often and sent them to your parents? Do you call them often and share news about what is going on your life? Do you have other friends & relatives that you see when you visit your old hometown?
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-17-2016 at 08:59 AM..
she has a 4 month old. Who expects people to travel with a 4 month old?
if grandma and grandpa wanted to bond with baby, they would make a bigger effort. it isn't a travel issue...I don't think. I think its more a disappointment that her parents aren't more excited to bond with their grandchild
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