Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My mother passed when I was 47 also. I wasn't ready for that at all. It thought I would be in my 50's when it happened, like mid to late 50's. What's worse is that she was my favorite parent and family member, so now what I have left is most of my family members are kind of toxic and always have been. I'm left with them and learning to develop relationships with them, and it's not working that well, lol. But there are a few I've gotten closer with who are not toxic, but just I didn't know them that well until now. So, it's been almost 2 years since my mother passed, and I'm just beginning to get use to her not being around. I still have emotional moments. She and I were super close, so I was in a really bad way when we found out she passed. My mom's loss was totally unexpected, though she was having some health problems that weren't addressed properly due to lack of good medical care during Covid. The whole family was shocked that she passed. And there is a lot of guilt.. We miss her so much. Life goes on. I would say, when you're ready to focus on other things a bit, after you feel like you've let the emotions out for a while, distract yourself as much as possible with fun things.. and grieve when you need to. I have found that traveling and music don't help me (she loved traveling with me and music is too damn emotional), but meeting new people and doing fun things, connecting with others, being around life - like plants and pets, and maybe even being around kids - and meeting new people of the opposite sex was super helpful because I find male friends to be hilarious.. IDK, it's all helped. Make sure you're distracting with fun things when the pain of the loss becomes less severe.
I read that acute grief lasts up to 1 year. Early grief is 1-2 years, and residual grief is 2-4 years. This is what the average person's grief timeline can look like, but, in the end, there is no set timeline. Just sharing this to give you all a sense of how early your grief is.
If your grief is still severe after 3 or 4 years, you may ne experiencing prolonged or complicated grief. Just beware - I am no expert. lol
Today I feel awkward and embarrassed about my mother dying. I do not understand it. I a not
I find myself apologizing a lot - for being irrational, angry, sad, whatever it is I'm feeling at the time.
It's like I feel like I'm immature for acting the way that I do and not realizing that everyone dies sooner or later.
Yes, I know that everyone dies. Yes, I know that I will die. Accepting that "everyone dies" doesn't (and won't) make the pain any easier or my mother's death any easier to accept.
Every day, more and more, I'm confronted with the stone cold fact that my mom will not be returning to me in my lifetime. That her earthly journey is over. "It's hard" is a simplification of a complex feeling that exists within me.
My husband said something to me the other day that resonated with me -- for the first time in my life my mom will not be there for me. By phone. By plane. She's gone.
Being a mother myself helped me to really see how much of a great mother I had. Growing up, we didn't have gobs of money. In fact, my salary surpassed my mom's at retirement years ago...but my mom gave freely of her love and her time. With my own kids, I see how important those two things are. I work at a law firm, and I used to work late hours at times, which came at the expense of spending time with my children. Thankfully, I "pushed pause" before things got out of hand. Sure, working gives our kids a good shot at life, but you can't put a price tag on time spent with your children.
I am so happy that I told her well before she died "Thank you".
I attended my first group grief meeting today. Some weren't particularly welcoming to new people, but the small group I was with was really what I needed. It was nice just to cry and have someone hug me and listen.
I find myself apologizing a lot - for being irrational, angry, sad, whatever it is I'm feeling at the time.
It's like I feel like I'm immature for acting the way that I do and not realizing that everyone dies sooner or later.
Yes, I know that everyone dies. Yes, I know that I will die. Accepting that "everyone dies" doesn't (and won't) make the pain any easier or my mother's death any easier to accept.
Every day, more and more, I'm confronted with the stone cold fact that my mom will not be returning to me in my lifetime. That her earthly journey is over. "It's hard" is a simplification of a complex feeling that exists within me.
My husband said something to me the other day that resonated with me -- for the first time in my life my mom will not be there for me. By phone. By plane. She's gone.
Being a mother myself helped me to really see how much of a great mother I had. Growing up, we didn't have gobs of money. In fact, my salary surpassed my mom's at retirement years ago...but my mom gave freely of her love and her time. With my own kids, I see how important those two things are. I work at a law firm, and I used to work late hours at times, which came at the expense of spending time with my children. Thankfully, I "pushed pause" before things got out of hand. Sure, working gives our kids a good shot at life, but you can't put a price tag on time spent with your children.
I am so happy that I told her well before she died "Thank you".
I attended my first group grief meeting today. Some weren't particularly welcoming to new people, but the small group I was with was really what I needed. It was nice just to cry and have someone hug me and listen.
I understand your point very well. I feel the same way. I can't get over the fact that my mother is forever gone and never coming back. Pondering what I said isn't going to make you feel better.
Here's what I was trying to say: the fact that people feel just like you do, and that people since the beginning of time have suffered the loss of their parents, etc., and they all have gone on continuing in their lives, many finding happiness again. It's possible for you, too. You and I are both in acute grief. So, we can't see much beyond the horrible pain we have every day. I actually feel worse than than I did in the first 2 months. It's because the shock and denial are starting to fade away, little by little. Now, I am left with sadness, anger, jealousy...etc. The past few days have been horrible. But, as they say, the only way to really heal from horrible grief is through it.
I am wishing you some relief in the coming days and weeks.
I am sorry, too, for becoming too philosophical for this thread. My point about "everyone dying" is just the fact that, yes, we all know intellectually that everyone dies, but we don't really know it "deep in our bones." That said, if you know something "deep in your bones", this may help you in your grief at some point. Just ignore me. I just things to try make myself feel better. lol.
At any rate, I'm having another very bad day. After since the 3-month mark hit, I've been feeling terrible. Pain is really unbearable at time. I just have to go through it, one day at a time. Nothing I can do but feel it.
Laughing is not easy nowadays, but you go one day at a time.
By the way, did your mother have AML? I was just wondering.
My mother had a benign blood disease (aplastic anemia, very rare) that led to her stroke from having severely low platelet count.
She was disgnosed with CMML. We don’t know if it ever progressed to acute. One doctor we consulted with thought it should have been diagnosed as acute from the beginning. That would have allowed her to be admitted to his hospital. We decided against that because family members would not have been allowed to stay overnight with her and that was a dealbreaker for us.
Her oncologist suggested we stop blood transfusions in February. In fact, he refused to order any more. I resent, and resented his arrogance and we switched oncologists. My mom was getting transfusions about every two weeks and she had “good” months in March and April. I appreciate that extra time we had with her.
Her body was starting to shut down. Her appetite dropped to zero. We tried everything…prescription pills, gummies, etc. Eventually nothing worked. I regret that I pressured her into eating. I read afterwards that lack of appetite is the body’s natural reaction to organs shutting down.
She spent about two weeks in the hospital before we brought her home. In the end, it was her express wish to stop any treatment. She was tired and ready to go. We brought her home to die. The hospice experience was traumatic in and of itself but the hospital would not keep her there to let her die. I would have preferred to let her pass there but they wouldn’t allow it. I was the one giving her morphine at home. Mercifully she passed within 48 hours. The journey was over. I told her “mom, you’ve done your job. You can rest now. We’ll take care of Dad and be there for your baby (my little sister). Don’t worry about them.”. Her death was peaceful. She just stopped breathing.
She was disgnosed with CMML. We don’t know if it ever progressed to acute. One doctor we consulted with thought it should have been diagnosed as acute from the beginning. That would have allowed her to be admitted to his hospital. We decided against that because family members would not have been allowed to stay overnight with her and that was a dealbreaker for us.
Her oncologist suggested we stop blood transfusions in February. In fact, he refused to order any more. I resent, and resented his arrogance and we switched oncologists. My mom was getting transfusions about every two weeks and she had “good” months in March and April. I appreciate that extra time we had with her.
Her body was starting to shut down. Her appetite dropped to zero. We tried everything…prescription pills, gummies, etc. Eventually nothing worked. I regret that I pressured her into eating. I read afterwards that lack of appetite is the body’s natural reaction to organs shutting down.
She spent about two weeks in the hospital before we brought her home. In the end, it was her express wish to stop any treatment. She was tired and ready to go. We brought her home to die. The hospice experience was traumatic in and of itself but the hospital would not keep her there to let her die. I would have preferred to let her pass there but they wouldn’t allow it. I was the one giving her morphine at home. Mercifully she passed within 48 hours. The journey was over. I told her “mom, you’ve done your job. You can rest now. We’ll take care of Dad and be there for your baby (my little sister). Don’t worry about them.”. Her death was peaceful. She just stopped breathing.
Not everyone has a good hospice experience (not sure if there is such a thing, but you understand what I mean). You read online how wonderful hospice is, but it all depends on the situation, your personality, nurses, etc. This is the case with anything in life.
I know what it's like when you lose control of everything. We did everything to help my mother: supplements, exercises, back rubs, etc. She just didn't care about anything anymore. She gave up on life, and was very mentally ill from stroke. There was no saving her. She said she was in her 70's now and just wanted to die. She said she didn't want to live close to 80 because my dad was 5 years older than her, and she couldn't live without him. My mother was very, very stubborn. lol. She also got very distant emotionally in the past few months of her life. Didn't like to be touched much, and that wasn't because she was in pain. She was just winding down, even though we didn't really know she was nearing her end.
I know a lot about blood diseases, by the way, because I did a lot of research on aplastic anemia, and ended up reading a lot on leukemias, MDS, multiple myeloma, PNH, etc.
My mother got blood transfusions for over two years (usually every 7-12 days). She got platelet transfusions at least one time a week, sometimes 2. This was all on top of her stroke, which happened 6 months after she was diagnosed with aplastic anemia. I don't know how my Dad and I even managed this. He was retired, and I stopped working for a while. We have no regrets, but we knew that we were not going to be able to continue taking care of her. We got panicked, as she was drifting away mentally, day by day. She was refusing to take medication and didn't want any more blood or platelet transfusions. Luckily, her disease didn't cause any pain - she only had mental suffering from the stroke. She ended up with sepsis after having 2 massive seizures. It was a blessing in the end. Mom was never coming back to her old self after she had had the stroke. We accepted it over time. When I get upset, I just remember how she was these past two years, and how that life was no good. It gives a little bit of comfort.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
