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Loss of a mother is indeed tough. I still miss mine, even though it's been three years, she was 91, and she died in her sleep one night in her own bed in her own home.
It really is, on a basal level.
And then there are those mother/daughter relationships that also evolve into friendships. It's like I'm suffering loss on two levels.
I love my father very much, but the truth is I grew closer to my mother because she was there every day. My kids have both their parents in the home, so it's different. She was there during the bright spots of parenting and the low spots. She sacrificed so much in her lifetime for my betterment that caring for her during the time she needed me most was the LEAST I could do to repay her.
We are with you Riaelise. Just remember you are not alone. My heart really breaks for you. I understand your anguish.
FD, you bring a smile to my face in a dark valley. My mom probably had leukemia for over a year. She would complain of being tired. Sometimes she would be out of breath just from taking a shower. We would blame it on her age. The first signs that something was wrong was her low hemoglobins. But there was no obvious reason. We were seeing a PA hematologist. She was very good but obviously not experienced enough to put together all the pieces of the puzzle. The first doctor to express real concern was her gastroenterologist. He was very concerned about her inexplicable weight loss. Anyway, after we exhausted all other tests we finally did a bone marrow biopsy. My mom had been admitted to a hospital for anemia. The hospitalist that reviewed the biopsy could not have been more “indelicate” in how she broke the news to us. She wasn’t 100% but she was pretty sure my mom had cancer. She immediately jumped to life expectancy and treatment options. It was really awful hearing this news from a strange doctor. That doctor was so proud of herself that she was “right” in her diagnosis. Needless to say we never went back to that hospital. Along the journey we met a lot of wonderful and caring health professionals. We also had our share of bad apples - doctors and nurses. We have the worlds #1 rated cancer center here in Houston, but I have to say we had two bad experiences there too. Official diagnosis was in January 2023 and death was in May 2023. January and February were hard. March and April, in contrast, went as well as we could have hoped for. Then everything went wrong in May.
Thank you, I'm glad you understand. Maybe I feel that way towards myself because I can't physically beat the crap out of cancer. Maybe it's because of the helplessness I felt because my mom was in a rough spot and there was nothing I could but be there, and then later on, care for her. I still feel like maybe I could've been better....she did everything right, everything. And yet, she died in the worst way, stripped of dignity and probably still wondering why (the cancer) happened to her. She probably had so many unanswered questions.
I wish I had that strength to banish the thoughts. But I don't. It's like all of my strength was vanquished after my mom passed. For three months, I was very strong, but now that the torrent of grief has overtaken me I just don't have the energy. The thoughts are not helpful and only twist the knife in deeper, but I just can't put them away. Maybe it's because of the trauma of going through all of that, and like I mentioned, helplessly watching her decline.
I keep waiting for my mom to visit me in dreams (she did twice) but lately there's been nothing.
I will say this, that I feel so blessed in life, to have had the relationship that I had with her.
She was an amazing woman and mother. I will never forget her for as long as I live.
There is definitely some PTSD left from caregiving someone you loved. Intrusive thoughts of them suffering flashing through our heads, unbidden.
I have noticed that those thoughts are beginning to fade, and memories of his healthy days are emerging more frequently. I still have moments. I am staying at his place for a few weeks, and the other day I noticed the book I read to him in the first months when it was just us two and he could still walk a bit with assistance but was starting to have to spend more time in bed.
I saw the book and it all came back. At that point we still had no diagnosis and thought what he had might be treatable, and of course we learned it wasn't. I just cried and cried for a while as I haven't cried in a couple of months. Those waves come less frequently now.
We are with you Riaelise. Just remember you are not alone. My heart really breaks for you. I understand your anguish.
FD, you bring a smile to my face in a dark valley. My mom probably had leukemia for over a year. She would complain of being tired. Sometimes she would be out of breath just from taking a shower. We would blame it on her age. The first signs that something was wrong was her low hemoglobins. But there was no obvious reason. We were seeing a PA hematologist. She was very good but obviously not experienced enough to put together all the pieces of the puzzle. The first doctor to express real concern was her gastroenterologist. He was very concerned about her inexplicable weight loss. Anyway, after we exhausted all other tests we finally did a bone marrow biopsy. My mom had been admitted to a hospital for anemia. The hospitalist that reviewed the biopsy could not have been more “indelicate” in how she broke the news to us. She wasn’t 100% but she was pretty sure my mom had cancer. She immediately jumped to life expectancy and treatment options. It was really awful hearing this news from a strange doctor. That doctor was so proud of herself that she was “right” in her diagnosis. Needless to say we never went back to that hospital. Along the journey we met a lot of wonderful and caring health professionals. We also had our share of bad apples - doctors and nurses. We have the worlds #1 rated cancer center here in Houston, but I have to say we had two bad experiences there too. Official diagnosis was in January 2023 and death was in May 2023. January and February were hard. March and April, in contrast, went as well as we could have hoped for. Then everything went wrong in May.
I'm glad I make someone smile. I suppose that's a good thing.
It was all very fast with your mother, more or less, but long enough for so much emotional suffering.
My mother had aplastic anemia, a non-cancerous blood disease for over 2 years. Her initial treatment didn't work, so we were then off to planning a second treatment; however, she had a brain bleed in the meantime and that derailed everything. We had to focus all of our energies into rehab to get her walking, etc. But once she came around physically, after her stroke, she was too emotionally and mentally ill to worry about a second treatment. Her doctor knew this. She would have had to go to a hospital for 10 days as an inpatient. Her emotional state would just not allow for that. All the same, my mother didn't care if she got better from aplastic anemia or not. Her life was pretty much over. Getting my mother better from her blood disease would have been pointless for her, as she didn't care whether she got blood transfusions or not. The stroke did her in, as they say. I mean, if all she had needed to do was to take a few pills, etc. we would have been all for a second treatment, but not long-term infusions as an inpatient.
Yes, we had our share of very bad experiences with my mother. Her hematologist was very non-caring and blunt, and lot of that was because of my mother being older (she'd often say things like, "you are older, etc."). Her disease was never considered terminal, but the doctor would often try to find bad things that "could" happen, even though the percentages were in the 10-15% range. And, like you, we had some very, very bad nurses at the rehab hospital after her stroke, and just in the regular hospitals in general. What really upset us, too, was the lack of information and help we got after my mother had her stroke. No neurologist, etc. really spoke to us but one time. The rest of the time was a PA neurologist who seemed to not know very much. Oh well... A lot of my mother's emotional problems were never addressed properly. Everything was based more on physical recovery, as well as speech, which got back very well in a few months.
By the way, the rehab hospital gave my mother 4 different diuretics that almost shut her kidneys down. The pharmacist made me aware of this when I went to get her prescriptions filled after she came home. He was in shock, and told me to not give any of these to her until you call your doctor back.
I've been okay lately. I just miss my mother's physical presence in the house. It's super hard. I have to learn to live with it. But, other than that, I'm fine. I just go one day at a time.
There is definitely some PTSD left from caregiving someone you loved. Intrusive thoughts of them suffering flashing through our heads, unbidden.
Absolutely! My dad and I have a lot of sadness and lingering negative emotions stemming from our 2 years as 24/7 caregivers. You don't realize how much it affects you until the person dies, or you're somehow relieved of your duties.
The only little good thing from it all was that we got used to my mother being a different person, realizing in that time period she was never coming back to her old self. You just accept it over time. When my father and I get hit with grief, we simply remember how she was for those two years, and we suddenly realize how terrible her life was with us. It comforts us to know that she is no longer mentally suffering as she was.
My father is very, very sad at times, but he's doing okay. He's doing more and more things that he likes to do (so am I). I look after him.
He does enjoy his freedom from caregiving, but it's only been replaced with the sadness of loss. You can't win.
Life is suffering. People die. It's life. No one gets out of grief or death. So, we always have to remember this, even if it doesn't always provide us with instant comfort.
I know some family members with serious health issues, and their adult children are in serious denial about the situation. They think their parents are going to live forever, or that their parents are going to get healthier as they age (I swear!). They are only setting themselves up for more and more disappointment. Anyways, we all have to learn, and that's usually the "hard way."
Yes, the mixture of grief over the finality of death and the relief at the end of caregiving can create some emotional swings for sure.
I also had a lot of anger at God/fate/whatever over the rug being pulled out from under us, even though I intellectually know that the anger is illogical and useless.
As a woman whose child had leukemia told me, when she asked "Why?", a nurse told her, "There is no reason why these things happen, other than biology."
It helped to remember that, and over time, most of the illogical anger has dissipated.
I have noticed that those thoughts are beginning to fade, and memories of his healthy days are emerging more frequently.
My wife often says that one must remember the best of those we've lost and let the rest go. That involves letting go of any personal weaknesses or ways they might have hurt you or places where you didn't have clarity or closure -- if any -- as well as the dark times when they suffered. I think she is right on that score and that you are on the right track here.
The trite aphorism is, "don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened". I think one should do both -- just don't neglect the latter.
My wife often says that one must remember the best of those we've lost and let the rest go. That involves letting go of any personal weaknesses or ways they might have hurt you or places where you didn't have clarity or closure -- if any -- as well as the dark times when they suffered. I think she is right on that score and that you are on the right track here.
The trite aphorism is, "don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened". I think one should do both -- just don't neglect the latter.
Yes, in the end, we do have to let go, even though every one grieves differently and at a different timeline. That doesn't mean we love the person any less; it is just how it has to be. That doesn't mean we forget them, either. Letting go is a process - it doesn't happen in a day or a month.
Charlie Brown, a famous cartoon character once said, "Most days we don't die, but one day we will." I think one of the terrible things about losing my mother has been the reality that I will die one day, too. It is shocking to believe. I still have my father, but he is getting old. I'm not far from 50. Hard to believe. Time flies.
I've become more spiritual in the past few years to help accept my own mortality. I can tell you - death still scares me like nothing else.
My wife often says that one must remember the best of those we've lost and let the rest go. That involves letting go of any personal weaknesses or ways they might have hurt you or places where you didn't have clarity or closure -- if any -- as well as the dark times when they suffered. I think she is right on that score and that you are on the right track here.
The trite aphorism is, "don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened". I think one should do both -- just don't neglect the latter.
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