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On a more positive note, I've noticed since Monday that life is slowly returning to a more normal state after 2 and a half years since her stroke. My father and I are starting to do things again that we have always enjoyed (been so, so long). We still get hit with tidal waves of grief, although they are not quite as frequent now. The reality that she is gone, but I know she is still with us somewhere and somehow. There is still shock and a little denial at times, for sure, but it doesn't last as long.
At any rate, I'm starting to see that my mother's decline over a 2-year period has led to greater acceptance about things. We had to accept the new her after her stroke, and we did. I believe that everything happened for a reason.
I wish you all the best. The sun will shine again in your life, but it may take a long time. Just go one day at a time.
Glad to hear that.
Today was kind of slow at work, so of course my mind reminisced on my mom. And of course it was about how she died and the loss.
But you (and Kathryn and all the others) are right in that one day there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to weather it.
Today was kind of slow at work, so of course my mind reminisced on my mom. And of course it was about how she died and the loss.
But you (and Kathryn and all the others) are right in that one day there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to weather it.
If my mom were here, she'd say "You got this"...
Thank you!
I am still very early in the grieving process, but I am starting to heal a little bit at 4 months. My Dad is, too. I still miss her presence, but she can't be here. I have to accept it over time. Like I said before, I don't miss my old mother that as much because I've been grieving her for 2 and half years since her stroke. I accepted the new her over time. You don't have this in sudden losses. But NO loss is better or easier - it's just that people who lose someone while they are still alive (stroke, dementia, mental illness, etc.), have a jump start on the grief process.
I do wish you the best, riaelise, in your grieving process. Try just to go one day at a time and not think of the future. That really overwhelms us. And, most of all, take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Try to enjoy things when possible (not always possible when grief overtakes us).
Last edited by FrancaisDeutsch; 08-17-2023 at 11:34 AM..
I am still very early in the grieving process, but I am starting to heal a little bit at 4 months. My Dad is, too. I still miss her presence, but she can't be here. I have to accept it over time. Like I said before, I don't miss my old mother that as much because I've been grieving her for 2 and half years since her stroke. I accepted the new her over time. You don't have this in sudden losses. But NO loss is better or easier - it's just that people who lose someone while they are still alive (stroke, dementia, mental illness, etc.), have a jump start on the grief process.
I do wish you the best, riaelise, in your grieving process. Try just to go one day at a time and not think of the future. That really overwhelms us. And, most of all, take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Try to enjoy things when possible (not always possible when grief overtakes us).
Thank you.
Truth is I don't really derive much joy any longer. There was one day I was actually happy since my mom died -- hubby and I went out and had a nice dinner to celebrate our 20th anniversary, and a nice "night on the town" was to follow. I actually looked forward to that night. Sadly, we get a call from our kids that the dog took a turn for the worse and we had to call short our night. The very next day, we had to put our beloved dog to sleep. The one time in three months I felt a sense of joy, ripped from me and followed by more sadness.
Since then, the only emotion that has really dominated is sadness. There are times when I am happy, but sadly, those times are short lived. I just don't look forward to anything anymore and I feel bad about that.
People ask me how am I doing but seem a bit surprised when I either say "ok" or "it's rough".
I mean, how am I supposed to feel when my beloved mother died and each day just seems like the same dark void on repeat?
Today was kind of slow at work, so of course my mind reminisced on my mom. And of course it was about how she died and the loss.
But you (and Kathryn and all the others) are right in that one day there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to weather it.
If my mom were here, she'd say "You got this"...
riaelise, the sickness and suffering is fresh in your mind. Time will help, but it's all that helps.
My bf/fiance was deteriorating from a degenerative disease that came out of nowhere and killed him in less than two years. He died in March, at first it was like PTSD, thinking of what he looked like the indignities he felt with his sons and me taking care of his most personal needs, his wasting away from a strong, 6 foot tall, overweight 230-pound man to the 60-pound skeleton with skin he was when he died.
Now, after five months, I find that the time of his suffering is fading and what is emerging are images of the good years, the healthy years, he as he was before he got sick.
I hope as time goes on, the memories of the illness and suffering and just the damn shock of WTF is happening????? recedes into the background for you, as the loving memories and smiles of your mother in her best years come forth.
riaelise, the sickness and suffering is fresh in your mind. Time will help, but it's all that helps.
My bf/fiance was deteriorating from a degenerative disease that came out of nowhere and killed him in less than two years. He died in March, at first it was like PTSD, thinking of what he looked like the indignities he felt with his sons and me taking care of his most personal needs, his wasting away from a strong, 6 foot tall, overweight 230-pound man to the 60-pound skeleton with skin he was when he died.
Now, after five months, I find that the time of his suffering is fading and what is emerging are images of the good years, the healthy years, he as he was before he got sick.
I hope as time goes on, the memories of the illness and suffering and just the damn shock of WTF is happening????? recedes into the background for you, as the loving memories and smiles of your mother in her best years come forth.
Are you serious? 230 lb to 60 lb ???? God bless that poor man. What was the degenerative disease?
That's unreal.
Are you serious? 230 lb to 60 lb ???? God bless that poor man. What was the degenerative disease?
That's unreal.
Paraneoplastic cerebellar degeneration.
It's an immune system reaction to a cancer that one doesn't yet even know exists (in his case, it was a neuroendocrine lung tumor, which is a rare type of tumor in the lung). He had no symptoms of the lung cancer with the possible exception of anemia, which had plagued him off and on for a few years. In fact, his lungs were still pretty clear at the time of his death.
But in rare instances, the body attacks the cells in the cerebellum responsible for coordination, which affects everything from using your hands to both your eyes working together, swallowing, speaking, controlling your ability to walk, balance, everything. The first symptom was seeing an extra lane in the road--double vision.
A few days later one leg wasn't stepping right, and then his speech began to slur. Within months he was bedridden and could not feed himself or work a TV remote. The brain cells are destroyed and cannot be restored, even if the cancer is treated. He declined cancer treatment and accepted palliative care only. It sucked to witness. All the plans we had were gone in a snap. He was dead in less than two years.
Our heads were spinning. I cannot imagine what the OP experienced losing her mother only two months after finding out she had terminal cancer.
It's an immune system reaction to a cancer that one doesn't yet even know exists (in his case, it was a neuroendocrine lung tumor, which is a rare type of tumor in the lung). He had no symptoms of the lung cancer with the possible exception of anemia, which had plagued him off and on for a few years. In fact, his lungs were still pretty clear at the time of his death.
But in rare instances, the body attacks the cells in the cerebellum responsible for coordination, which affects everything from using your hands to both your eyes working together, swallowing, speaking, controlling your ability to walk, balance, everything. The first symptom was seeing an extra lane in the road--double vision.
A few days later one leg wasn't stepping right, and then his speech began to slur. Within months he was bedridden and could not feed himself or work a TV remote. The brain cells are destroyed and cannot be restored, even if the cancer is treated. He declined cancer treatment and accepted palliative care only. It sucked to witness. All the plans we had were gone in a snap. He was dead in less than two years.
Our heads were spinning. I cannot imagine what the OP experienced losing her mother only two months after finding out she had terminal cancer.
Wow! Lost for words. So tragic. Thank you for sharing. So you know what it is like when someone loses their mind over time. It is like they are already dead before they die.
My mother had no pain - just mental anguish from her stroke. She quickly got sepsis from an infection and died a few days later.
What bothers me is how sad and lost my mother looked these last 2 years. It bothers me to know how she said she wanted to die. It bothers me to know that she asked my dad if he was going to divorce her and put her in a home, since she said she was "worthless" now. Her final stay in the hospital bothers me. The memories.
I know my mother was not in her right mind a lot, but she still knew that she was not normal anymore. Those words crush me. I just try to remember that her being this way was just the last two years of her life. For 70 years, she had a good life.
Wow! Lost for words. So tragic. Thank you for sharing. So you know what it is like when someone loses their mind over time. It is like they are already dead before they die.
My mother had no pain - just mental anguish from her stroke. She quickly got sepsis from an infection and died a few days later.
He was mentally all there, but his body crapped out. He was not accepting of it, either. He was angry.
What bothers me is how sad and lost my mother looked these last 2 years. It bothers me to know how she said she wanted to die. It bothers me to know that she asked my dad if he was going to divorce her and put her in a home, since she said she was "worthless" now. Her final stay in the hospital bothers me. The memories.
I know my mother was not in her right mind a lot, but she still knew that she was not normal anymore. Those words crush me. I just try to remember that her being this way was just the last two years of her life. For 70 years, she had a good life.
That's the goal. Remembering them.when they were who they were, not the final sad months and years.
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