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Anger results from allowing yourself to be in the wrong state of mind. The states of mind that preclude anger are the following and we should try to be in one or more of them as often as possible.
I disagree; anger is a normal human emotion which, at times, may alert us to danger/harm/betrayal (and spurs us toward an appropriate action or resolution).
That said, there's a difference between expressing/dealing with one's anger/hurt vs. one who carries it around everywhere as if it's a valued piece of luggage from which one can't part. Obviously, the latter group has not effectively dealt with (past) anger; hence, any (perceived) slight rips open those wounds i.e. their anger/rage doesn't fit (or is not appropriate to) the situation - whether it be a stranger online, somebody in traffic, and so on. This type of anger doesn't miraculously dissipate relative to anything on your list above; the state of mind required, first and foremost, is simply a healthy one.
In other words, there doesn't have to be 'agape love' to preclude anger - just a logical (and healthy) thought process.
I agree that anger is a normal human emotion. I also agree that a chronically angry person has to be unhappy, and makes everyone around him or her unhappy too.
Things said in anger reveal a loss of control, and probably reveal people’s actual thoughts about something. Anger can destroy relationships.
But as far as I know, everyone gets angry about something, at some point.
The times in my life that I feel certain that I'd describe my emotional state as "angry" were a matter of righteous rage. Not merely frustration or jealousy or fear or something, but a situation where a WRONG is being done, and the person doing it is refusing to admit it or face it or own it, and there is nothing I can to do make it any better, let alone right. No justice that can happen. Like watching a bully kill an animal to make me cry as a little girl, and they laugh, and I tell on them and nothing happens, and I am powerless...just powerless. I have to carry horror and outrage over it, and the sheer helplessness. Oddly perhaps, I cannot recall ever feeling truly angry unless there was a third party as a victim. Not ever just because someone wronged me personally. I can usually let that go a lot more easily. Maybe because I use the rationale of thinking of what part I had to play in arriving at a situation, thinking I could prevent my own problems, thinking I can "save" myself to some extent, but not anyone else.
So feelings of anger are linked, for me, with feelings of powerlessness. Seeing great harm and wrong done, and being unable to alter its course, and particularly when the person who has done it cannot and will not feel any guilt for it. And what use is it to me, to feel that way? None. So the only response left is to turn away from it. To avoid the toxic source of that behavior. Because no amount of exercise or screaming into a pillow or...gardening...is going to give me any more power to right a wrong, or bring about any kind of justice, or change the futility of the feeling, or erase it.
'Justice' relative to a crime is quite different than 'righting' (what one feels to be) a 'wrong' i.e. there are always two sides to every 'story'. Anger is certainly appropriate in terms of the former, particularly if used as motivation for action (regarding justice).
'Justice' relative to a crime is quite different than 'righting' (what one feels to be) a 'wrong' i.e. there are always two sides to every 'story'. Anger is certainly appropriate in terms of the former, particularly if used as motivation for action (regarding justice).
True, but when I talk about the distinction, "righting a wrong" I'm thinking of, say, someone who makes excuses to not do right by his kids, and when he spouts off his reasoning, makes a demonstrable hypocrite of himself. But who will not be argued into doing what is right.
I might feel very angry that promises are being broken, not promises made to me...I expect nothing...but promises to a kid, to someone who wanted so badly to trust.
The law does not cover all aspects of right and wrong behavior. There are things that are perfectly legal that are not right, and things that are illegal, that many people do not believe are wrong.
But I don't like anger. What will it accomplish? Nothing. It'll just give me a headache. I have no recourse to right the wrongs or get justice for the crimes that I am angry about.
The times in my life that I feel certain that I'd describe my emotional state as "angry" were a matter of righteous rage.
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Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
So feelings of anger are linked, for me, with feelings of powerlessness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
The law does not cover all aspects of right and wrong behavior. There are things that are perfectly legal that are not right, and things that are illegal, that many people do not believe are wrong.
This is my point i.e. law vs. morality (and how fruitless anger is, particularly relative to the latter). I'm simply taking it a step further speaking to what we do, indeed, control i.e. ourselves and our own perception. We can't change other people, but we certainly can follow through with what we feel to be right i.e. constructive resolution vs. a personal need to show as 'right' i.e. anger.
We are far from powerless, as a whole, and those who are blinded by 'righteous' (or any type of) rage are more likely to be a part of the problem than part of the solution.
This is my point i.e. law vs. morality (and how fruitless anger is, particularly relative to the latter). I'm simply taking it a step further speaking to what we do, indeed, control i.e. ourselves and our own perception. We can't change other people, but we certainly can follow through with what we feel to be right i.e. constructive resolution vs. a personal need to show as 'right' i.e. anger.
We are far from powerless, as a whole, and those who are blinded by 'righteous' (or any type of) rage are more likely to be a part of the problem than part of the solution.
So what is the constructive resolution for someone who commits cruel acts, who does not have any interest in changing their behavior? I can remove myself as a potential victim, but cannot prevent that person from victimizing others, including people that I care about. Do I stop interacting with and caring about the victims so as not to experience angry feelings? Do I convolute my thinking to somehow be ok with the cruelty? Do I judge the victims for failing to save themselves? What?
What does constructive resolution look like in such a situation?
So what is the constructive resolution for someone who commits cruel acts, who does not have any interest in changing their behavior? I can remove myself as a potential victim, but cannot prevent that person from victimizing others, including people that I care about. Do I stop interacting with and caring about the victims so as not to experience angry feelings? Do I convolute my thinking to somehow be ok with the cruelty? Do I judge the victims for failing to save themselves? What?
What does constructive resolution look like in such a situation?
I certainly can't speak to resolution without knowing the (perceived) problem. What 'cruel acts' has this person committed, particularly given multiple/potential 'victims'?
I certainly can't speak to resolution without knowing the (perceived) problem. What 'cruel acts' has this person committed, particularly given multiple/potential 'victims'?
(I am putting this in a spoiler window because of sexual assault and other painful subjects, that may be upsetting to some.)
Spoiler
I got a call from a male friend when were all high schoolers in the 90s, to come help out with a girl who "had a bad time" at a party the night before. I did not know her well, but I walked her home, and it came out that she went over there and drank a lot, she was not very experienced in drinking, and she was only 15. She ended up being raped by 8 boys who were there, two of whom were people I thought of previously as trusted friends. She refused to talk to police or report in any way. The boys later laughed and joked about the acts they did on her when she was unconscious. They did not seem to think that there was anything wrong with what they had done or making a huge joke of it in the school. I'm only glad that cell phone cameras weren't a thing at the time, though maybe that could have gotten them into the trouble that they deserved, but the girl ended up disappearing from school and I don't know what happened to her. Only that without her report, which she was not willing to give, there was never any kind of justice and those boys to this day see nothing wrong with what they did. They also thought it was pretty funny that I was so upset about it.
Have you ever had a bully, someone you could not beat up or get any authority to hold accountable, who laughed at your pain? Who harmed and/or humiliated you for their own fun?
I have also encountered multiple boys and men in my life who liked to talk about cruelty to animals, in a way that was obviously meant to upset me. They find out I like cats and can't wait to tell me the graphic things they like to do to them. Is that supposed to make me smile, or what?
Then there's my ex...I got away from him, but he still spouts damaging nastiness to my kids and threatens other people. Calling police on him never seemed like a viable option, because I know he'd not be kept locked up for long if at all, unless he follows through on, say, killing someone (as he has threatened to do) and when free, he would target me. But he's left a trail of abuse and damage to people he's been close to, in his path. I do get angry that he doesn't think about the harm he's doing to our kids when he says some of the things he's said to them. But he will not be convinced that any of it was wrong.
My father, while drinking, nearly killed me, my Mom, and my little brother when he was a baby, on multiple occasions. He still drinks and drives. I can't make him stop and he won't be persuaded that he should stop or that he's doing anything wrong. He endangered me, terrified and traumatized me as a little kid, and continues to endanger others. Where is "constructive resolution" until he kills someone and ends up in jail? One time he had me and my little brother in the truck, I was 9 years old, and he was deliberately swerving into the oncoming lane on a windy dark road at night, because I would flinch and cry and was scared, and he thought it was a really funny game and he laughed at me for being afraid. Is it not rational to be angry that a man would do that to his child? What kind of constructive resolution was I supposed to do at NINE YEARS OLD?
Frankly, I find it hard to understand that you struggle to imagine a situation where someone is cruel and unrepentant about it and helpless anger is the result in someone near to that individual, who has any kind of moral compass whatsoever. Have you always had the ability to violently confront someone who was horrible? Because it was always my feeling, there are people and instances where if I were a MAN, I'd probably get into a physical fight with someone. Certainly many of the men I've known would handle it that way. In the movies, there's always a channel for a hero's righteous rage to transform into justice through violence. But I'm a small woman, and not a particularly violent person anyways. I've never really had that as an option. But though I might FEEL anger, I have learned not to show it, and I don't like to feel it, either. The bullies want to make me angry so that they can laugh about it. Because what am I gonna do?
As it turns out, I'll hold very negative opinions of them and avoid them, but while constructive resolution is generally not a thing, that does not mean that I have to give them the satisfaction of a helpless display of anger, from me.
Though it bears pointing out in THIS context (an internet forum) that it's the foundation of trolling to provoke an emotional reaction out of someone for one'sown amusement, and no matter how I discuss a subject I am almost never actually angry here (I can recall it happening all of once, many years ago.) But it's a different matter with some of the real life trolls who don't just act obtuse to try and get people to waste their time...they look for more tender buttons to push if they can.
Frankly, I find it hard to understand that you struggle to imagine a situation where someone is cruel and unrepentant about it and helpless anger is the result in someone near to that individual, who has any kind of moral compass whatsoever.
I'm perplexed by your comment, as I never said nor implied I didn't understand. I simply asked for specifics as one can't provide feedback re: resolving anger without knowing the problem(s) which caused it. Much of what you ultimately spoke to is, in fact, criminal - which is different than someone saying or doing something (you perceive to be as) 'cruel', per your previous explanation. Obviously, involving the police as well as the safety of yourself/others is imperative; and, as I stated in a previous post, anger can initially help us as motivation to action/resolution - whether reporting a crime, leaving a relationship in which someone cheated or betrayed us, volunteering to work with rape victims, and so on.
Anger is normal. It's when we hang on to it over time, we essentially become prisoners of ourselves i.e. it's giving power to other people (and their behavior). Hence the reason one needs to resolve anger/conflict within themselves relative to the time/situation in which it occurred, for their own well-being.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Have you always had the ability to violently confront someone who was horrible? Because it was always my feeling, there are people and instances where if I were a MAN, I'd probably get into a physical fight with someone. Certainly many of the men I've known would handle it that way. In the movies, there's always a channel for a hero's righteous rage to transform into justice through violence.
We all have the ability to confront someone whether openly or in a more subtle (or even anonymous) way. That said, we have the choice to be constructive - or not. I have certainly found myself in a few physical fights (particularly relative to my age, at the time, and/or in the interest of 'protecting' someone); but as a grown man (who happens to be a lawyer), I understand the value (and the effectiveness) of the spoken word and the law, not to mention the fact an assault is an assault (and will be dealt with as such). There aren't any 'passes' relative to 'heroes' or their righteous rage; and at the end of the day, anger hurts the person who is hanging on to it more than it does anyone else. Often, those who can't think/resolve/communicate, punch (or simply hold anger within).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Though it bears pointing out in THIS context (an internet forum) that it's the foundation of trolling to provoke an emotional reaction out of someone for one'sown amusement, and no matter how I discuss a subject I am almost never actually angry here (I can recall it happening all of once, many years ago.) But it's a different matter with some of the real life trolls who don't just act obtuse to try and get people to waste their time...they look for more tender buttons to push if they can.
Frankly, I'm surprised you included the concept of 'trolling' in the same post along with such serious (potentially life-altering) issues of drinking, abuse, rape, safety and so on. Obviously, 'pushing buttons' in a forum isn't worth anyone's second thought, though I do agree in terms of seeing how common it is. It's relative to my earlier post i.e. one who carries around anger/emotional baggage in a way an internet stranger can set it off at the smallest slight. The same is true in road rage; a minor incident results in a potentially explosive situation.
The biggest question being: How does anyone allow a stranger (or someone they dislike) to have control over their emotions/buttons? Why would that person's opinion even matter?
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