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Except the point is not to waste your time chasing/expecting someone to change (particularly through more anger, lol); the resolution is for yourself (regardless of what the other person does/doesn’t do). It’s a matter of knowing who/what you’re willing to invest in with your time/energy/need to be heard.
Is that your perception/frustration speaking, or did someone (bizarrely) communicate he/she has ‘never done anything wrong in their lives’? Either way, a rational resolution would be to turn your attention (albeit anger) elsewhere. Why give this person any thought, particularly if you feel the intent is to ‘bait’ you; simply stop speaking. Problem/anger solved.
Problem-solving and taking necessary action (relative to what caused the anger) is the solution, rather than suppressing it (or allowing it to control you) long-term. It certainly doesn’t mean it will always be resolved in agreement or in a positive way.
In ‘real life’ (and relative to my point/the thread), the person who hangs onto their anger is the loser. I like the quote, ‘Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’
OK, so question...
If a person has been a victim of abuse or violence or harm of some kind, and they cannot get justice... Again, you say you are a lawyer, so I'm sure you have seen this... Maybe there was a procedural reason or there was inadequate evidence. But the wrong did happen. There is an attacker and a victim who was harmed.
The attacker is going on with their life. They are happy. They make sure to give the victim a parting grin. They relive the memory of the attack with relish. They love it.
The victim....cannot sit down and get the attacker to be remorseful, they just don't feel remorse. In fact, they likely find it delicious that the victim feels pain. Justice isn't happening.
The victim should feel....what? Not angry? They should let go of their victimhood? Simply un-remember it? Accept that it was a favor done them? That it was their lot? Just....simply stop feeling what they feel?
How do you get "resolution" in a situation like that? How do you solve the problem with the structures in place to "solve" it with "justice" fail a victim, that is what I want to know?
What on earth are they supposed to do besides "bottle it up" to try and get on with life or survive?
But you are right I guess, and I suppose it might comfort someone as they contemplate cases like a woman I once knew who committed suicide after a rape, because there was nowhere for her pain to go. If only someone like you had been there to tell her what to feel and what not to. That she simply had to be calm and "get resolution" somehow. How? I don't know. Neither, apparently, did she.
I was just eating my lunch and reading a book on Reconstruction, and I thought of a different angle to this conversation about anger, and my thought that sometimes it is hard to get a nice, calm sort of resolution that is agreeable to all parties and/or represents some kind of justice for wronged parties.
"A riot is the language of the unheard."
When the 2020 Racial Injustice Protests, or aka the "BLM Riots" (depending on who's describing them) happened, that was a situation where a lot of people had what I believe to be completely natural anger at what they saw as injustice. Personally, I believe that police should be if anything held to a higher standard under the law, as they are in a position of public trust to uphold and enforce it. So if people see them breaking the law, and getting away with it, there will be anger if there is not justice.
And it was not just the black community in America demonstrating their feelings on the subject, a lot of white people joined those protests as well. A lot of white people also have strong feelings about all of this, though we are trying not to make it about us and our feelings...but we know that the country we love is supposed to stand for equal protection under the laws.
But then of course there were plenty of people who said, "Well, the moment you do something violent, you lose your credibility." Chaos in the streets was uncomfortable and scary to witness, and people who did not feel the anger, had plenty of "tut tut" noises to make, telling those protesting to calm down...to be calm and reasonable. But they'd BEEN calm and reasonable, there is no lack of calm and reasonable voices calling for better practices and better outcomes here, and they felt...unheard.
To some extent, for someone to say, "Look...your anger is making me uncomfortable, so I'm gonna need you to just please go back to being silent, so that I can ignore all of this like I'd been doing before" just becomes a more infuriating form of silencing and oppression. Does the anger get results? Sometimes, I think. If those with the power to make change are amenable to the message. But unfortunately there will be those for whom the louder it is shouted, the more they turn away from it. They will claim to be against destruction or violence or anger and to want calm and reasonable "debate" but in truth, they only want the wronged parties to be silent and to stop making them uncomfortable.
Sometimes getting a resolution doesn't even happen in a lifetime. And some, unwilling to martyr themselves to the cause even if they believe in it, have little choice but to "bottle up" a whole lot of perfectly justified anger, if they want to survive.
I would say that if you really believe that the handling of anger is always as simple as just calmly making yourself heard with an expectation that resolution and problem solving will follow your expression of a grievance, then you have lived a massively privileged life.
If a person has been a victim of abuse or violence or harm of some kind, and they cannot get justice... Again, you say you are a lawyer, so I'm sure you have seen this... Maybe there was a procedural reason or there was inadequate evidence. But the wrong did happen. There is an attacker and a victim who was harmed.
The attacker is going on with their life. They are happy. They make sure to give the victim a parting grin. They relive the memory of the attack with relish. They love it.
The victim....cannot sit down and get the attacker to be remorseful, they just don't feel remorse. In fact, they likely find it delicious that the victim feels pain. Justice isn't happening.
The victim should feel....what? Not angry? They should let go of their victimhood? Simply un-remember it? Accept that it was a favor done them? That it was their lot? Just....simply stop feeling what they feel?
You’ve now changed the direction (re: anger relative to a philosophical thread) from someone who thinks he/she has ‘never been wrong in their life’ to someone who has perpetrated a crime (and managed to escape the law). Perhaps it’s neither here nor there, but one who commits a crime (particularly sans any consequence and/or they derived ‘pleasure’ from it, as you indicate) is likely to do it again, or worse - particularly when they feel they are ‘above the law’. In other words, why the foregone conclusion a criminal will forever escape ‘justice’? To the contrary, it isn’t likely.
That said, the goal remains the same re: resolution no matter how justified the anger or how difficult (or long it takes) to obtain it - even if it requires the assistance of a therapist or doctor to do so. Isn’t that the point of therapy i.e. to process anger, pain, etc. I’m in law/business; I’m not suggesting I’m the best guy to ask how a person who is struggling with anger should go from Point A to Point B. Every person/situation is different. My point, however, is we do not control other people or tragic events; we only guide/control our own perception (to keep it relevant to a philosophical thread).
How much of your life/time/energy are you willing to invest in someone who angers/hurts you? How does it benefit anyone to hold onto anger and carry it everywhere as a heavy piece of emotional luggage? It doesn’t change anything no matter how tightly (or how long) someone hangs on to it - except, sadly, one’s own health/life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
But you are right I guess, and I suppose it might comfort someone as they contemplate cases like a woman I once knew who committed suicide after a rape, because there was nowhere for her pain to go. If only someone like you had been there to tell her what to feel and what not to. That she simply had to be calm and "get resolution" somehow. How? I don't know. Neither, apparently, did she.
This is sensationalistic, smarmy and not relevant to any post I’ve written. As I stated previously, I’m a lawyer - not a doctor. If anyone is struggling with anger or emotional pain, I would sincerely encourage them to seek professional assistance to obtain resolution for themselves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I would say that if you really believe that the handling of anger is always as simple as just calmly making yourself heard with an expectation that resolution and problem solving will follow your expression of a grievance, then you have lived a massively privileged life.
I never stated resolution was always easy; in fact, I specifically stated it often isn’t. That it isn’t easy doesn’t mean ‘give up’/stay angry indefinitely and allow one’s mental health to decline. You haven’t read my posts (without bias) if that’s your (angry) takeaway. Furthermore, you don’t know anything about my past nor was it ‘massively privileged’. I have smartly earned everything I have (and continue to do so) - and have had my share of anger, disappointment and loss along the way, as everyone does.
Last edited by CorporateCowboy; 02-19-2022 at 05:34 PM..
Reason: Typo
My only condition is that the anger needs to have an end and the source of the anger is dealt with. The problem with anger or any other negative feeling is that it is not always clear to people that you are not angry with them at least in the beginning. This is especially true of children. Sure, maybe later the angry person explains the reason for their emotion and it has nothing to do with me, but it sucks to have to experience it even for a second and to be unsure of its source and to be unsure when it will end.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Look for anger that lasts a long time….or explosive & super aggressive outbursts that don’t fit the situation, like road rage. It may be exaggerated, animated & full of blame. Anger that doesn’t go away can be one of the 1st signs there is a mental health issue. It’s seen in ASPD, psychopathy, NPD & even depression.
edit: AND…it makes way more sense IMO to see this thread moved to Mental Health.
Last edited by TashaPosh; 02-21-2022 at 09:25 AM..
I've given much thought to irritability, annoyance and anger, but a total dissertation would take too much time.
We human being are a weird species
Suffice it to say that there are two main situations in which we display anger. There is a physical form and a self-image form.
Swearing is the sort of thing we humans do when we stub our toes or when we hit our thumbs with a hammer, or when a mosquito buzzes around our ears before it stings us. We are programmed to defend our bodies. The reaction is almost instantaneous when we hit our fingers with a hammer. Some of us react almost instantaneously by punching a wall or kicking a solid object, hurting ourselves further, to the amusement of all bystanders. This type of anger is an almost instantaneous reaction to a physical hurt. It also applies to animals. Can I add that as a retired veterinary surgeon, I used to act with caution while approaching the quietest of pets that may have been hit by a car. The mosquito response occurs of course after persistent and multiple buzzing attacks in our ears while we are trying to sleep -- until we finally wake up in anger to kill the bastard with a shoe or whatever.
But there are times when we become irritable or swear when there is no danger at all to our physical bodies. We can display anger as a response to insults to our character; or when our plans and expectations don’t mesh. We obviously have another side to our being and it is every bit as important as our physical bodies. Damage to it can result in a physical reaction to anyone who questions or threatens any fragment of what we hold dear in our personal images of ourselves. In brief, I have concluded that our self-image includes every plan and goal we generate as a mental image for how we see ourselves doing things in the next minutes, hours, months and lifetimes. Let anyone disturb these images we generate in our minds and we will react to them in whatever way we can within, and sometimes outside of, the laws created by our cultures to deter harm to others.
This is the category of anger that many posters before me have mentioned as festering for years and the sort that of anger that causes more harm to ourselves than anyone else. It is the type that previous posters have described as mellowing with age. It is the type associated with paranoia. It is intimately related to self-image and the reason why some of our kind encourage us to loosen or lighten up a bit and not to take ourselves too seriously.
All depends on how you are getting it out. If you are taking it out on someone else--it is toxic to them.
Behavior fueled by anger is toxic - including ‘taking it out on’ the person who wronged you. The emotion in and of itself is not.
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