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Agreed and depending upon the nature of what she discovers, legal issues in proper place to avoid problems down the line. I always tell people, keep notes with dates and times. It serves well more often than not. In this type of situation supervised visitation of a quite minor child is likely going to be necessary.
Since I last posted, my husband promised me that if he doesn't get clean on his own by the end of this month, he would go to rehab for at least 2 weeks. He was normal yesterday. He was the most wonderful dad to my son as he's been since we got married. This morning I wake up and he is super irritated, saying that I shouldn't follow him all the time, I shouldn't check his pockets, etc. He said he needs to get gasoline in case the power goes out. But I told him not drive anywhere as we had a deal. He was congested. Irritation is one of symptoms of withdrawal. I have to say I've been looking forward to the withdrawal symptoms. I am one of those women who turn to google to find out everything about opioid addiction and withdrawal. But there is one thing I don't understand. My husband is dozing off standing in the kitchen again. His eyeballs are rolling up, his knees are bent. He swears he didn't take anything, and his state is a withdrawal symptom. Is he lying to me? Did he take something or is this a withdrawal symptom?
Well, always remember...YOU have the power over your own life, so no matter how long you've been married OR what kind of plans you had in life, if things get bad & he won't keep up his part of the marriage such as getting better, going to rehab, etc., then YOU must take action over YOUR life so you can have contentment. Marriage is a partnership. It's not fair if one spouse is good trying to have a good life while the other just doesn't care, slacks off, does things to detriment & bring down the whole relationship, etc.
It's also NOT up to you to fix him. People can talk till they're blue in the face, but the person themselves have to want to change. So, you're not obligated to, "hang in there & see what happens" after giving him time or chance to improve. YOU take control of your life & if that means getting divorced & starting a new life, then so be it, so don't be afrid of that. Life's way too short to wallow in misery for long. That's why I always believe that women should have a good education to be able to stand on their own 2 feet & be financially independent at all times, so when things happen down the road, they don't have to put up w/ horrendous squat.
Thank you. I want to give him tough love. I think he needs to see what it is like coming home to an empty house. He needs to live alone for a while to see what he is going to lose. A loving wife and baby. At the same time because I still love him, I don't want anything bad happen to him. I heard about suicide thoughts as a possible withdrawal symptom.
Since I last posted, my husband promised me that if he doesn't get clean on his own by the end of this month, he would go to rehab for at least 2 weeks. He was normal yesterday. He was the most wonderful dad to my son as he's been since we got married. This morning I wake up and he is super irritated, saying that I shouldn't follow him all the time, I shouldn't check his pockets, etc. He said he needs to get gasoline in case the power goes out. But I told him not drive anywhere as we had a deal. He was congested. Irritation is one of symptoms of withdrawal. I have to say I've been looking forward to the withdrawal symptoms. I am one of those women who turn to google to find out everything about opioid addiction and withdrawal. But there is one thing I don't understand. My husband is dozing off standing in the kitchen again. His eyeballs are rolling up, his knees are bent. He swears he didn't take anything, and his state is a withdrawal symptom. Is he lying to me? Did he take something or is this a withdrawal symptom?
Sounds like he is on something.
I knew one person in my life who had an opiod addiction. When using they became irritable, tired, and had pin-prick tiny pupils.
Very few people can win this battle on their own without a lot of outside help. Assume he's using daily and be pleasantly surprised on the rare days when he isn't.
So yes, he could be lying.
Your task, if you want to stay married to him and not be emotionally upset all the time, is to understand that lying to you is not personal. It's what addicts do, and it doesn't matter who you are.
Sounds like he is on something.
I knew one person in my life who had an opiod addiction. When using they became irritable, tired, and had pin-prick tiny pupils.
Very few people can win this battle on their own without a lot of outside help. Assume he's using daily and be pleasantly surprised on the rare days when he isn't.
So yes, he could be lying.
Your task, if you want to stay married to him and not be emotionally upset all the time, is to understand that lying to you is not personal. It's what addicts do, and it doesn't matter who you are.
I agree with this. As a recovering alcoholic when I drank I would lie to everyone and anyone no matter how much I cared about them in order to get my bottle.
I suggest that you stop going through his things as that will only make matters worse. If he is going to use he will find a way just as I did.
As OP said above, don't take his lying personal, it's part of the addiction process. All addicts lie. My 1st husband who became sober the same time I did continued to drink and I would find empty bottles everywhere. I knew he was drinking but I didn't say anything to him because I knew it wouldn't help matters but make it worse. He knew how to get sober and he chose his path and I chose mine.
There are plenty of people who are addicts and decide to get sober (whatever the drug of choice is). If he wants to go to rehab it has to come from him.
Your job is to support him in every way you can in a loving way without putting him down, accusing him, giving him "that" look, etc. The nicer you are to him the more guilty he will feel. I know it's hard to act like you love him when he's high but that is really the best thing you can do for him. By doing that he may open up to you even more and want to get outside help.
As I suggested before you also need to get outside help as well to learn how to deal with your own feelings. That's why I suggest you call Nar-Anon which is for families or friends of an addict that is using narcotics. They have virtual meetings so you don't have to go out.
Hoping the best for you and your family. I know it's a tough road to travel as I remember when my family was sick with worry about me even though that was a long time ago.
I agree with this. As a recovering alcoholic when I drank I would lie to everyone and anyone no matter how much I cared about them in order to get my bottle.
I suggest that you stop going through his things as that will only make matters worse. If he is going to use he will find a way just as I did.
As OP said above, don't take his lying personal, it's part of the addiction process. All addicts lie. My 1st husband who became sober the same time I did continued to drink and I would find empty bottles everywhere. I knew he was drinking but I didn't say anything to him because I knew it wouldn't help matters but make it worse. He knew how to get sober and he chose his path and I chose mine.
There are plenty of people who are addicts and decide to get sober (whatever the drug of choice is). If he wants to go to rehab it has to come from him.
Your job is to support him in every way you can in a loving way without putting him down, accusing him, giving him "that" look, etc. The nicer you are to him the more guilty he will feel. I know it's hard to act like you love him when he's high but that is really the best thing you can do for him. By doing that he may open up to you even more and want to get outside help.
As I suggested before you also need to get outside help as well to learn how to deal with your own feelings. That's why I suggest you call Nar-Anon which is for families or friends of an addict that is using narcotics. They have virtual meetings so you don't have to go out.
Hoping the best for you and your family. I know it's a tough road to travel as I remember when my family was sick with worry about me even though that was a long time ago.
I agree with everything you wrote except for the bolded above. I'm very glad you were able to beat addiction, wow, what an accomplishment. I know some people don't view it as one, but I do realize how difficult it is.
However the bolded above, I can't agree with. Let me be absolutely clear that when I said Your task, if you want to stay married to him and not be emotionally upset all the time, is to understand that lying to you is not personal. It's what addicts do, and it doesn't matter who you are. I wasn't referring to her doing something for him, rather, that line was for HER to save herself from an addict. The addict won't ever put her first and so to save herself she can't put him first either, she has to put herself first, or he will drag her right down with him into whatever bottom of the bottle he goes to.
As for giving him "the look" or not putting him down--that may be some ideal, but this is the real world and she has feelings that she can't just keep bottled up, (pun not intended). She's human too, and she's putting up with a lot of ridiculous crap.
I suggest she save herself, first and foremost and whatever happens to him, happens, not her monkey, not her circus...and if she can't find the way to stay married to him and not be emotionally upset all the time, then divorce him. Few if any can stay married and not be emotionally upset, but if she's going to try to stay married to him, that's the only way to do that, and I don't really think it can be accomplished anyway.
I agree with everything you wrote except for the bolded above. I'm very glad you were able to beat addiction, wow, what an accomplishment. I know some people don't view it as one, but I do realize how difficult it is.
However the bolded above, I can't agree with. Let me be absolutely clear that when I said Your task, if you want to stay married to him and not be emotionally upset all the time, is to understand that lying to you is not personal. It's what addicts do, and it doesn't matter who you are. I wasn't referring to her doing something for him, rather, that line was for HER to save herself from an addict. The addict won't ever put her first and so to save herself she can't put him first either, she has to put herself first, or he will drag her right down with him into whatever bottom of the bottle he goes to.
As for giving him "the look" or not putting him down--that may be some ideal, but this is the real world and she has feelings that she can't just keep bottled up, (pun not intended). She's human too, and she's putting up with a lot of ridiculous crap.
I suggest she save herself, first and foremost and whatever happens to him, happens, not her monkey, not her circus...and if she can't find the way to stay married to him and not be emotionally upset all the time, then divorce him. Few if any can stay married and not be emotionally upset, but if she's going to try to stay married to him, that's the only way to do that, and I don't really think it can be accomplished anyway.
Thanks for the nice words about my becoming sober, it was something I really wanted for many reasons.
However, I didn't say to the OP if she wanted to stay married to him she must do those things. What I meant is that it doesn't help the situation on both sides to try to control him by giving looks, going through his things, etc. My 1st husband started to drink after he became sober and I "chose" not to fight with him as well as not going through his things as that would have made things worse. I didn't want to put him on the defensive as I knew he couldn't help it. Yet I walked away as that was my choice.
When I was still with him I sought support from outside sources which is why I suggested that the OP start going to nar-anon meetings (either virtual or real life) as that's where she'll get the support she needs to deal with her feelings and decide if she wants to live with an addict or not.
Is her husband's crap ridiculous or is it a disease of addiction? Many think it's not a disease yet according to AA/NA it is a disease. All I can say based on my own experience is when I sipped my 1st alcoholic drink (and more drinks) I felt my entire personality change and I knew in my gut that wasn't normal as I observed others who drank. I believe I metabolize alcohol differently compared to "normal" people.
In any case I wish the OP and her husband good wishes as they are both going through a difficult time.
Whatever is healthy for the body is also healthy for the brain. The body and brain function as one unit because the brain is part of the body. Of course that's no big discovery, it's been known for a long time.
So, we shouldn't pretend as though food has nothing to do with it. Of course lots of people eat junk food and don't become addicted to drugs. But some people may be predisposed to addiction and a healthier diet may be of some help. It's not a cure but may be helpful. A healthier diet never hurt anyone, so it's worth a try, in my opinion.
Whatever is healthy for the body is also healthy for the brain. The body and brain function as one unit because the brain is part of the body. Of course that's no big discovery, it's been known for a long time.
So, we shouldn't pretend as though food has nothing to do with it. Of course lots of people eat junk food and don't become addicted to drugs. But some people may be predisposed to addiction and a healthier diet may be of some help. It's not a cure but may be helpful. A healthier diet never hurt anyone, so it's worth a try, in my opinion.
As a recovering alcoholic IMO food has nothing to do with addiction. Food doesn't change a personality. Substance abuse does whether it's alcohol/drugs.
Of course eating healthy helps a person feel better but that has nothing to do with addiction unless a person is overweight which is obviously not healthy. I never met an overweight person who's personality changed after eating a lot or eating junk foods.
Sounds like he is on something.
I knew one person in my life who had an opiod addiction. When using they became irritable, tired, and had pin-prick tiny pupils.
Very few people can win this battle on their own without a lot of outside help. Assume he's using daily and be pleasantly surprised on the rare days when he isn't.
So yes, he could be lying. Your task, if you want to stay married to him and not be emotionally upset all the time, is to understand that lying to you is not personal. It's what addicts do, and it doesn't matter who you are.
Exactly. One phrase that I kept in mind was "Above all else, the addiction must be protected."
And the old saw, "How do you know an addict is lying to you? His lips are moving" is not a joke.
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