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That isn't something I would say to a child and agree that another parent probably shouldn't be in the habit of encouraging children to keep "secrets" from their parents.
In this particular case, though, I don't think any harm was meant by it.
It's good that your daughter knows to come to you in these situations.
So true. I was just thinking of two different scenarios.
1) (goofy bumbling dad voice) "eh, daggum rescue dawgs, can't truss 'em! Heh, heh, chuckle, chuckle....aw now don't tell your parents I said that! Heh, heh!"
2) (Hannible Lector voice) "Now remember child...DON'T tell mommy and daddy what I said...or else." (stares)
Actually, child predators use #1 tone, not #2. And that is why, gaff or no gaff, what the neighbor said is almost unexcusable. Never tell a child to keep a secret. There are some obvious exceptions (presents), but we're all smart enough to think that through. It's up to us, the adults, to know when to act and when not to.
I think the OP did an excellent job. She has taught her daughter"red flags", her daughter feels comfortable talking to her about it, OP did not over react in front of the child, and the OP thought over the situation and deemed it not worth discussing with the neighbor. That is exactly how an adult is suppose to act, so I don't get the negative comments.
Maybe I'm a little sensitive tonight because I attended a trafficking presentation but....
....... old KGB tactic in using a little, a minor offense, to draw in the information target, to start adding the hooks in them in order to get the target to do their bidding.
Okay, say the neighbor is testing the child to see whether or not they would report such a suggestion? If it is reported, it is a non offenseable incident. If it isn't reported or they don't receive a response, then they may have more information on you than you would rather they had.
As I said, I may just be sensitive today because of the nature of the briefing I received.....but that is the kind of request I would not want someone to be saying to a child.
This is actually how child sexual predators work as well. In fact, lots of people who are dangers to your kids pick a mark in a similar way...start small and work their way up to see if they can "trust" the kid to keep secrets. This is why its so important to talk to kids about secrets.
My daughter is someone who freezes in the face of trouble. She is also very much wanting to please adults and its really hard for her to "tell on" an adult. So I know she is at risk for many things I rather not think about.
I don't think this was the man's intent. Just irked me. Glad they are moving (for more then one reason).
Exactly. I attended a two day child protection training last week (on top of the normal yearly ones I do) and it is exactly how predators work. In fact, I had to read TS's post twice, because I swore she meant child protection training, not about the KGB.
Now, if you were on here wondering if you should be overly concerned about your neighbor being a predator, I would advise probably not, more likely an idiot, but you've already come to that conclusion. Because, you know, adulting and such.
It is fully the phrase "don't tell your parents" to a 9 year old girl.
I can see...not many people agree with me. That is helpful. I wonder if they say this to kids. I wonder who they feel when the are told that a grown person told them not to tel their parent something.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
No, I think most here would agree that the phrase is a red flag, not one we use, and in fact one we tell our children to share with us. The difference is that we can discern that not EVERY INSTANCE an adult uses it is worthy of a follow up discussion with the offender. Reaffirm with your child that she did the right thing by telling you. I could see having a discussion with your daughter that sometimes adults, upon realizing they've said something insensitive, try to fix it but actually make it worse.. After that, I'd let it go.
i agree with maciesmom. I bet that he realized that he said something dumb and just wanted it to be forgotten.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Corvette Ministries
Hmmmm. "Don't tell your parents" and He made me Promise not to tell are not the same. I want to change my answer.
I agree. Those are two very different things. "Don't tell your parents" that I called rescue dogs stupid or dangerous (or whatever) said in a laughing manner is a lot different than a stern, deliberate command. "Promise me that you will not tell your parents what I said !!!!"
Exactly. I attended a two day child protection training last week (on top of the normal yearly ones I do) and it is exactly how predators work. In fact, I had to read TS's post twice, because I swore she meant child protection training, not about the KGB.
...........
Not necessarily. Much of how I approach the world is derived from what I have learned from other disciplines. When I talked about the KGB, I meant about the lessons I learned about how the KGB operated and how it could be applied to other areas. One of the bad things I learned in my recent briefing was how an acquisition technique for trafficking being used in Europe that I read about perhaps a decade or more ago is now being used locally in the United States.
What goes around comes around. Perhaps I should have recognized it then but trafficking is an area the I research only each half or whole decade and then only in research or developing investigative techniques.
I related this situation to what I was taught about how the KGB enlisted unwillingly informers. I also related it to though I didn't mention it at the time to how far out the Navy use to intercept Soviet aircraft from the carrier. The longer the Soviet's believed one's detection was, the better ......... the more control of data one has, the more they keep their opponent wondering, the better.
Who knows the other better at this point? Does he know that one does not approve of such talk to their children, that he should not go there again?
Recognize that just because techniques have been used in the past, doesn't meant they can't be used in the present. After all, the techniques of Operation Chariot (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_Nazaire_Raid ) weren't just used by the Brits in WWII.
I'm not cool in general with the "don't tell your parents thing" but in this context and off the cuff, I'd say it just sort of slipped out...not that there was any real ill intent (i.e. hiding something dangerous, illicit or whatever).
Generally - no, I don't approve of anyone telling any child not to tell his/her parents about something. It is inappropriate. Even if in this exact circumstance it was more on the innocent side, it is still teaching kids the concept of keeping secrets from parents and obviously, in a worst-case scenario, that could ultimately be a part of grooming the child to allow some pretty bad things to happen. I just think the lesson itself is a problem.
In this case the guy will be gone soon, but if this were someone my child would be having contact with again, I'd probably bring it up, as non-confrontationally as possible but to let him know I'm on it. As for the child, I'd have a brief talk with her about not keeping secrets from parents. Again, because of the overall lesson itself, not because of this one particular guy.
How many adults really believe that a child will not tell their parents, most especially when admonished not to?
I would say your neighbor picked the best messenger possible, and probably knew it would rile you down to your socks!
Funny...didnt think of it that way. Like a passive aggressive way to get to me. The dog comment didn't bother me. I have been in dog rescue for years so it isn't like I haven't heard it. Only telling her (and maybe making her promise, thats what she told me but I am not 100% sure he actually said that, she is really sensitive) to keep a secret from her parents bothered me.
I also don't think you should tell other people's kids their dogs will attack and kill them...but she has sense enough to know our dogs aren't going to attack and kill her.
No...no it is not a tough call. People who abuse kids tell them not to tell their parents. They make threats to back that up, usually. It is absolutely essential that we teach our children that if someone says "don't tell your parents" to respect their gut, understand it *is* an alarm and tell their parents. In this case it was minor. It was good I could refute that statement he made. But kids need to be trained not to keep secrets...unless its about a birthday cake, gift, etc for their parent. That is a different kind of secret.
Sure does explain your mindset! I can see how things get blown out of context, this is such an example.
I guided my children .. I train my pups. Big difference.
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