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Your children are no longer benefiting from this. Your son wakes up 1.5 hrs later and mommy goes in and sleeps with him. He has not learned to self soothe. The relationship of mom and dad has become secondary to that of mom and the children. Not good for anyone. The kids are too old for this. At this point, it's just a useless habit, and an excuse for your wife not to spend time with her husband.
Oh I tell a lie. About 20 years ago had one relative who was flipping crazy and also slept with her kid for years. Her marriage fell apart because of it and her kid was nuts as well. She was flipping crazy. I bought and brought over a SINGLE bed for the kid, set up the room with all the fun things, night light, posters, fun quilt, etc and that was the end of that. The kid preferred to sleep alone because she was such a psycho. I didn’t even put that experience in the “cosleeping” category because she was nuts in many more ways than one.
I think these kinds of musical bed sleeping arrangements are way more common than you might think, it's just a lot of people don't talk about it much because it feels somehow like you're "doing it wrong". We did a version of it for a number of years, till our younger one was around 8. Many kids have a high degree of anxiety around being alone at nighttime. In the western world we're fixated on kids sleeping in their own rooms from babyhood, but some variation of family cosleeping is very common in many parts of the world. Having said that, it can definitely have fairly significant impacts on adult mood and relationships. Crankiness!
It sounds like you are getting there in terms of tapering off the co-sleeping, except that your son consistently wakes up early-ish in the night. If you can stop that waking, you can probably reclaim your nights somewhat. Is he having anything to eat or drink before bed? If so, is it possible he's getting reflux in some form and that's what's waking him up 1.5 hrs after going to sleep? Reflux from allergies turned out to be a big part of why our younger son would often wake at night till he was well into middle childhood.
Have you tried a white noise machine? For a while we had a radio on a timer playing softly for 2-3 hours then turning off. The music was enough reassurance and distraction for our son to relax and drift back off. We also used a touch lamp, where if he woke up in the night and was scared, all he had to do was tap the base and it would come on. It was usually enough to let him fall back to sleep without coming to us. 50 minutes after books is also a relatively long time to fall asleep, is that typical for them? What time are they going to bed? Perhaps try moving bedtime 30 minutes later so that they are more truly tired by the time they go to bed.
Good luck and have faith that they will eventually end up staying asleep on their own in their beds. Brainstorm with your wife to figure out a plan together to help move that process along. This too shall pass!
Agree that maybe changing the time they go to sleep may help. Close to an hour to fall asleep is a long time.
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Originally Posted by NORTY FLATZ
Hope this isn't another "hit n run" thread....
I sent him a message, hopefully that gets him back. It's worked for other threads with new people. They weren't able to find their thread.
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Originally Posted by nuggznsauce
Co sleeping needs to be beneficial to EVERYONE in the family....that means you do it together (no one is kicked out) and everyone is getting sleep.
This is not co-sleeping. This is allowing your children to dictate your nighttime habits based on the power your wife and you have allowed them to hold. Your confusing physical closeness with your children with bonding and it's leaving an imprint on them and their sleeping needs (having mom or dad close is the only way to be safe).
Now is the time to start developing an exit strategy. You need to be considerate of your children now that you created this habit, but there are books and advice out there on how to break unhealthy co-sleeping habits.
You started co-sleeping for the bonding which is important, so don't stop that part. In fact now you can start re-establishing proper and more grown coping/bonding skills with your children. Maybe family Storytime before bed or suggest family camp outs in the living room if the kids go so many days sleeping in their own bed.
Agree, what they're doing is allowing the kids to dictate what everyone does at night. Not a healthy situation.
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Originally Posted by Mattie
I so agree with this post. And I think the OP should book a vacation with his wife (only his wife) to make the break a little sweeter.
I wonder if the kids sleep at their grandparents houses and how that goes.
Co sleeping needs to be beneficial to EVERYONE in the family....that means you do it together (no one is kicked out) and everyone is getting sleep.
This is not co-sleeping. This is allowing your children to dictate your nighttime habits based on the power your wife and you have allowed them to hold. Your confusing physical closeness with your children with bonding and it's leaving an imprint on them and their sleeping needs (having mom or dad close is the only way to be safe).
Now is the time to start developing an exit strategy. You need to be considerate of your children now that you created this habit, but there are books and advice out there on how to break unhealthy co-sleeping habits.
You started co-sleeping for the bonding which is important, so don't stop that part. In fact now you can start re-establishing proper and more grown coping/bonding skills with your children. Maybe family Storytime before bed or suggest family camp outs in the living room if the kids go so many days sleeping in their own bed.
From your description it sounds like your children are already in the same room together (in separate twin beds) which is a good strategy. That way they're not completely alone as they transition towards self-soothing and sleeping more independently. I think you realize what you're doing right now isn't working and hasn't been working for some time. This isn't about the merits of co-sleeping vs. not. It's about bad habits being in place and your children never having learned to self-soothe.
I would simplify their nighttime routine. Make sure they have some physical play in the evenings so that they are good and tired. Cuddles and story time are good, but I think 50 minutes every night is excessive. I might see about some sort of audiobook that will play for a set number of minutes and then shut off automatically. Without you in the room, they may naturally nod off. This may go badly the first few nights. If they come out of their room and want to crawl in your bed, return them to their bed without comment.
We did the co sleeping thing. Musical beds, never knew where everyone would wake up.
If done well, children will eventually want their own bed. My last and third child took a bit longer, he was around six. When he left and stayed in his bed, I felt a bit sad--the bed felt empty. I let it happened--I adjusted. After spending nine years with some child in our bed, it felt very empty. I adjusted. I could have easily encouraged him back.
I know Moms that still have their double digit children in bed with them. I think it is important to encourage them to want to be independent. I think some parents are enablers. You have to let them go when the moment comes up.
From your description it sounds like your children are already in the same room together (in separate twin beds) which is a good strategy. That way they're not completely alone as they transition towards self-soothing and sleeping more independently. I think you realize what you're doing right now isn't working and hasn't been working for some time. This isn't about the merits of co-sleeping vs. not. It's about bad habits being in place and your children never having learned to self-soothe.
I would simplify their nighttime routine. Make sure they have some physical play in the evenings so that they are good and tired. Cuddles and story time are good, but I think 50 minutes every night is excessive. I might see about some sort of audiobook that will play for a set number of minutes and then shut off automatically. Without you in the room, they may naturally nod off. This may go badly the first few nights. If they come out of their room and want to crawl in your bed, return them to their bed without comment.
Great points! The OP is right, the co-sleeping to avoid stress has now created stress.
As to your comment I bolded, I remember watching many episodes of Supernanny where it would be 2-3 miserable nights for parents, waiting outside the bedroom door, and every time the child got up, the parent did not interact, did not speak, did not climb into bed and cuddle them, but simply took them by the hand, helped them back to bed, covered them up and left the room. It's not easy to do but the end result is well worth a few difficult nights.
It is not right or wrong to co-sleep like that; however, if it isn't working for your family it is time for an honest conversation about how to move forward.
My wife very rarely gets a good night sleep, again sleeping on a twin bed with a 5 year old boy, so she seems cranky quite a bit. I never say anything because it never goes over well.
Sleep deprivation can really do a number on a person's psyche. The OP's wife needs to get a good night's sleep. Personally, we never did the co-sleeping thing, so my knee-jerk advice would be to just cut it off immediately. But that might be too traumatic, so maybe she could ease back in stages. Maybe continue sleeping in the same room as her son, but on a separate bed or a cot or an air mattress or something. And then, once the son has adjusted to that, then try having him sleep in his room by himself. And meanwhile, hopefully the OP's wife would be getting a better night's sleep than she would sharing a twin bed with a child.
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