Co-Sleeping after 7 years backfire? What am I missing? (babysit, party, teens)
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I have to think that if parents are so wimpy they can't handle a few rough nights - in exchange for finally getting years of good sleep for both them and the kids - that the parents will never be able to let the kids "fail" at anything. And that's setting the kids up for failure all their adult lives.
You're just lucky. With two of my kids, it was a lot more than "a few rough nights". More like a couple of weeks with hours of really loud screaming, at which point I had to admit I failed and put off the sleep training until I see some clues it might work. Never mind that I often drive for work, so "a few rough nights" gave me a major fear of getting someone killed on the road. Or that while I'm dancing to the tune of a non sleeping baby, we're the only two people in the house who are up at night - but as soon as I declare war on their sleep issues, no one sleeps any more. I've gotten notes from the older kids' teachers after sleep training attempts, complaining that they can't focus in class and are falling asleep at their desk. And my husband can't function on not enough sleep, but also had to go to work the next day. Giving in to the sleep issues was def the lesser of the evils. They all learned to go to sleep eventually (whew) but it was a lot later than I hoped. And they all know how to accept failure... but try not to fail
But, yeah, a five year old is totally old enough to be reasoned with. I think. Maybe I just haven't met a five-year-old like OP's...
Not fair to the husband but these days that has low priority
In modern terms this is called unfulfilled expectations the basis of divorce
He slept during the day and flew at night during this time. So I was sleeping alone already. Or he was military deployed and the kids slept with me because we were alone for long periods of time.
Don't jump to conclusions so quickly. Think about the possible variables in other people's lives before you insult or offend them.
Last edited by Withinpines; 12-29-2020 at 02:25 AM..
I got stuck in the co sleeping trap. My youngest WOULD NOT go to sleep without me. I tried every possible method to get her to let this habit go. She would FLING her body at the wall to stay awake if I wasn't there. She just plain wouldn't sleep. She would play in her room for hours while I slept. If I did get her to sleep in her bed, she would wake up and come get in bed wiht me, which was the only way I could get any sleep. She was not a napper, and I was lucky if she slept 7 hours a night total. I finally gave up trying to get rid of her. DH was no help, and we divorced in the midst of this process. I'm not sure if she co-slept with him at his house or not...........
She was in 6th grade before a guy I was dating made a joke about kids sleeping with mom. He didn't know she was still sleeping with me, but she went cold turkey.
She was later diagnosed with ADD and a mood disorder. But once she hit high school she started sleeping like any other teenager. Only occasionally would anxiety keep her up at night.
I do know this: Nothing will change until the parent decides it will change. In my case, I didn't get the change I wanted, but Had to make small adjustments over time.
We never co-slept and have never had sleep issues with our children. As infants they slept in a bassinet and then in a crib with a baby monitor. Everyone sleeps better in their own bed, kid included.
Maybe as soon as the son falls back asleep again the wife should go back to to the marriage bed, the idea being she's not there in the morning. Or, perhaps the kids could co-sleep with each other for a few months before hopefully getting settled down to sleep in their own beds.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I didn't sleep with my parents. I was tucked in, maybe told a story, but slept by myself. Was anyone here sleeping with parents while growing up?
Never ever ever slept with my parents.
Daughter never slept with us.
Grandson, 12yo still sleeps with mommy. It wil be interesting when she wakes up with a woodie poking her in the back.
I never co slept with any of my kids. All four of my biological kids were breastfed when they were infants though and occasionally when they were very young infants, I might fall asleep with them in my bed, but since they all slept through the night quickly anyway, those nights were exceptions. And no, I didn't sleep well on those nights either so it wasn't a win win.
My darling husband was married before, and he and his now ex wife had one son. From the moment he was born till the day my husband left his wife, that boy slept in their bed (my husband and his ex wife got divorced when their son was 7). This was one of the very first things he told me eroded their marriage, so it was a pretty big deal to him.
Fast forward to high school football games, and his mother was showing up wearing his letter jacket (the son) and kissing him on the lips after every game, on the field.
Fast forward to now and the son is 27. He is still living with his mother, and has now accrued a criminal record, and isn't working regularly though he had someone else pay for five years of college and a college degree for himself. He is absolutely and horribly co dependent.
I am not saying that co sleeping caused this - I'm saying in his case, it was yet another symptom of his mommy being an enabler and coddling him.
From the moment he was born, her husband became secondary and her son became the focus of her attention, her life in general. My husband loved to travel and take road trips and vacations. He was also really big into date nights (he passed away unexpectedly a few months ago, hence the past tense). He told me that in addition to having his son sleep in between them every single night, suddenly his wife, who has a mother and several sisters and numerous friends living in close proximity to her, refused to ever get a babysitter, or leave their son with his relatives (who offered repeatedly) and from the moment his son was born, that was the absolute and sudden (and unexpected) end of all outings unless their son was with them.
So yeah, I don't feel like what the OP is describing is healthy.
OP: Ask yourself who is in control in your house? The kids or the adults?
This is not healthy for an adult sexual relationship, for starters, and is not does nothing to make your kid independent and able to self-soothe, which is a huge deal in life. If a person has not learned to self-soothe, they are at risk for addiction problems.
So many reasons NOT to co-sleep after awhile.
My grandson slept with me as a child up until a certain point and I remember I took him on a trip with me to visit a friend and was given a bedroom with one bed. He was around 10 at that time and had not been allowed to sleep with me for years. I had made a bed for him on the floor for this one night.
I still see him crawling into my bed, and I said "no, you can't sleep with me," and he jumped into the bed and I took my arm and stuck it straight out to prevent him from coming in - he was determined!!!! I knew it was not appropriate at his age and I had to establish that firm boundary against his strong will to want to sleep with me.
I never co slept with any of my kids. All four of my biological kids were breastfed when they were infants though and occasionally when they were very young infants, I might fall asleep with them in my bed, but since they all slept through the night quickly anyway, those nights were exceptions. And no, I didn't sleep well on those nights either so it wasn't a win win.
My darling husband was married before, and he and his now ex wife had one son. From the moment he was born till the day my husband left his wife, that boy slept in their bed (my husband and his ex wife got divorced when their son was 7). This was one of the very first things he told me eroded their marriage, so it was a pretty big deal to him.
Fast forward to high school football games, and his mother was showing up wearing his letter jacket (the son) and kissing him on the lips after every game, on the field.
Fast forward to now and the son is 27. He is still living with his mother, and has now accrued a criminal record, and isn't working regularly though he had someone else pay for five years of college and a college degree for himself. He is absolutely and horribly co dependent.
I am not saying that co sleeping caused this - I'm saying in his case, it was yet another symptom of his mommy being an enabler and coddling him.
From the moment he was born, her husband became secondary and her son became the focus of her attention, her life in general. My husband loved to travel and take road trips and vacations. He was also really big into date nights (he passed away unexpectedly a few months ago, hence the past tense). He told me that in addition to having his son sleep in between them every single night, suddenly his wife, who has a mother and several sisters and numerous friends living in close proximity to her, refused to ever get a babysitter, or leave their son with his relatives (who offered repeatedly) and from the moment his son was born, that was the absolute and sudden (and unexpected) end of all outings unless their son was with them.
So yeah, I don't feel like what the OP is describing is healthy.
That is awful that your stepson ended up that way. I'm sure the cosleeping did start out that trend.
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