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The young brain, especially in boys, does not mature until the mid 20's. Until then they are prone to make decisions which are not, by definition, well thought out.
My own kids were 12/13 when they reached 18; now they are 30 ish and i would say they are good 18-20 year-olds.
The society in which we lives always finds a way out of taking responsibility. Beyond that, we give an award for the most basic of human accomplishments: Finished sixth grade? Get a trophy and a party. Big Celebration. Gradated high scool....world class accomplishment. Even bigger party. Bigger trophy...like maybe a new BMW.
That's the way it is, but it sure doesn't teach maturity and responsibility in our youth.
i still think that @ 18 you are not really an adult yet & still need parental advice & intervention.
Stepson lives with us, not away @ school … he commutes
To answer yr final question, IDK, but his parents were the same way. My parents were not & even @ 40, they still are involved in some of my decision-making, for advice if anything
If his son asked him for help or advice, my husband would be there, but my husband doesn’t think it’s his place to regulate what his son does.
I dont believe it is the right approach but he isnt my son & I know his son likes it too, that dad is not all up in his grill… but there needs to be boundaries set & an understanding that there are consequences that can affect his life drastically & he sometimes needs dad’s expertise
I also don’t know if it’s different because I’m a girl and he’s a boy but when I was growing up anytime I left the house I had to tell my parents where I was going and what time I would be back. My stepson is allowed to come and go as he pleases -again I don’t know if that’s the right approach. I don’t particularly care where he goes but I would like to know where he is in case something happens to him we can find him
Regarding the first sentence in your post, unsolicited advice is rarely taken, may create resentment, and shows lack of trust on your part.
I found the bolded and interesting choice of words.
Do you think of yourself as a girl or as a woman, I know I am a woman, not a girl. But even as a college student who lived at home, I didn't tell my parents of all my comings and goings. I went out with my friends and I didn't always know where we would end up. They were fine with it. And this was way before there were cell phones and help was always available. What do you expect "in case something happens to him we can find him"? Do you regularly envision your stepson lying in a ditch or in jail? Maybe your parents were overprotective. huh?
You should take some chill pills.
Will you ever see your stepson as a man? Or will you always infantilize him?
Also, you said that his grades were good - so what's your complaint?
Other than skipping some classes, you don't seem to have any other notable issues with his behavior. Has he been arrested? Has he been suspended from school?
Have you and your father taught him basic life skills? Does he do his own laundry (this should be Yes)? Can he prepare his own meals (also should be Yes)? Does he have a bank account that he manages (more Yes here)?
Just pretend that he is living at a college dorm and ignore his comings and goings unless they are disturbing the family's plans.
Last edited by Lillie767; 05-10-2022 at 10:59 AM..
Then make sure he knows the expectations for that and the consequences for not meeting those expectations. Myself, I am a big believer in natural consequences over the idea of trying to punish children for poor decisions.
However if you and your husband are not on the same page you're going to have a tough time setting expectations, sounds like an issue the two of you need to work out first before trying to set any kind of rules.
A natural consequence of not taking his classes seriously would be to lose his parental college funding. I'm not going to sit by and watch my kid sleep through his classes and say nothing. Those course credits and the instruction that comes with them cost good money.
So what are you specifically talking about? I think both your position and your husband's are acceptable or correct in the right context.
"You're an adult, you can make your own decisions." Also, you're living under my roof and partially supported by me. Some decisions won't be tolerated here, or will result in withdrawal of that (financial, usually) support.
Quote:
Originally Posted by springfieldva
A natural consequence of not taking his classes seriously
As defined by? For some parents I think there's nothing harder than seeing their kids make decisions that they feel are unwise or foolish and have it turn out well for them.
Meaning, if the kids getting good grades, so be it. Lets be honest...not all classes have valuable or even worthwhile class time. Not all of them are equally rigorous.
So what are you specifically talking about? I think both your position and your husband's are acceptable or correct in the right context.
"You're an adult, you can make your own decisions." Also, you're living under my roof and partially supported by me. Some decisions won't be tolerated here, or will result in withdrawal of that (financial, usually) support.
As defined by? For some parents I think there's nothing harder than seeing their kids make decisions that they feel are unwise or foolish and have it turn out well for them.
Meaning, if the kids getting good grades, so be it. Lets be honest...not all classes have valuable or even worthwhile class time. Not all of them are equally rigorous.
YES! A thousand times yes! This is the antithesis of what we say, but inside, there's a little voice that goes "damn- that wasn't supposed to happen like that."
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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Being an adult legally and being an adult in actual maturity are two different things. I remember being that age, though it was long ago, and I was probable not really a responsible adult until I was married, at age 22. Before then, I got speeding tickets, drank a lot of beer, smoked Pot, and other things. On the other hand, I do know others including our 3 kids who were all very responsible and mature at 18. You really can't generalize.
I don't think anything magical happens at 18 other than that you can legally get in trouble for your actions. It's not like a fairy waves a wand and suddenly you are magically mature. So I think he will continue to need guidance as he becomes fully independent. Right now he's still living at home. He's playing a lot of video games. He's smoking a lot of pot. He's making okay grades... but he's not attending class regularly. That might work in freshman classes at a community college. It's probably not going to work out if he ever takes classes of any rigor. Also, the habits he's forming right now, of staying up all night playing video games, smoking lots of pot, not attending class... these are not habits that translate well into becoming a functional adult who enters the working world at say 23 and gets a great good-paying job and is successful. If he is doing those things occasionally, like on the weekend, and during the week he is focused and attending class, working, and maybe on the weekend, he stays up all night playing video games on a Saturday and smokes a joint, or plays for a few hours on weekdays, not the end of the world. But I would look at overall patterns and yes I think he still needs parental guidance from what you have shared.
If he's living at home with his parents and his parents are paying for his schooling, no, he is not an independent adult. He's a young adult in the process of becoming an independent adult.
If I was paying for my kid's college classes and he was skipping class regularly, I would take issue with that. First, he is not getting the full benefit of his education if he isn't bothering to show up for the lectures and, secondly, he is developing some really bad habits. He might be able to get away with that lackadaisical attitude in his freshman courses but it is going to catch up with him in his upper level courses.
Also, he absolutely should be telling you at the very minimum where he is going and when he expects to be home. That's basic common courtesy.
Despite anyone's feelings about the issue, 18 year-olds are legal adults. What more needs to be said?
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