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My stepson is 18. I dont @ all feel he is an adult but my husband says bc he is 18 he is an adult & can make his own decisions. The law doesnt dictate maturity. I dont believe that @ 18 a parent should treat them like they’re a full-on adult. I am not saying to treat them like children either … but there does have to be a line drawn.
Stepkiddo is in college & skips classes a lot. His grades are overall good but my husband doesnt ever say anything about it & says to me “its his life” … i still think that @ 18 you are not really an adult yet & still need parental advice & intervention.
Idk. Maybe it’s just me. Some 18 year olds are probably more mature. I think my stepson still needs some guidance … & thats ok!
Turning 18 isn't a justification for writing the kid off and walking away. They may still need encouragement, possibly guidance in managing their new freedom and adjusting to being responsible for their studies (vs. having teachers pressuring them, as in high school), learning good time management, etc. They may have trouble adjusting to being away from home. I noticed quite a few of the women students in Freshman year at my college had trouble with that.
Even after they graduate, they may need help with some of the details of "adulting", like how to rent an apartment and keep it clean (if they hadn't already been taught to clean at home), how to cook and manage a budget, and so son. They still have a learning curve to deal with in a number of arenas, even if they're 90% independent.
OP, why is your husband so eager to wash his hands of his parental role? There's usually a transitional period, which varies from individual to individual.
Turning 18 isn't a justification for writing the kid off and walking away. They may still need encouragement, possibly guidance in managing their new freedom and adjusting to being responsible for their studies (vs. having teachers pressuring them, as in high school), learning good time management, etc. They may have trouble adjusting to being away from home. I noticed quite a few of the women students in Freshman year at my college had trouble with that.
Even after they graduate, they may need help with some of the details of "adulting", like how to rent an apartment and keep it clean (if they hadn't already been taught to clean at home), how to cook and manage a budget, and so son. They still have a learning curve to deal with in a number of arenas, even if they're 90% independent.
OP, why is your husband so eager to wash his hands of his parental role? There's usually a transitional period, which varies from individual to individual.
Stepson lives with us, not away @ school … he commutes
To answer yr final question, IDK, but his parents were the same way. My parents were not & even @ 40, they still are involved in some of my decision-making, for advice if anything
If his son asked him for help or advice, my husband would be there, but my husband doesn’t think it’s his place to regulate what his son does.
I dont believe it is the right approach but he isnt my son & I know his son likes it too, that dad is not all up in his grill… but there needs to be boundaries set & an understanding that there are consequences that can affect his life drastically & he sometimes needs dad’s expertise
I also don’t know if it’s different because I’m a girl and he’s a boy but when I was growing up anytime I left the house I had to tell my parents where I was going and what time I would be back. My stepson is allowed to come and go as he pleases -again I don’t know if that’s the right approach. I don’t particularly care where he goes but I would like to know where he is in case something happens to him we can find him
Last edited by Jdawg8181; 05-09-2022 at 09:33 PM..
I also don’t know if it’s different because I’m a girl and he’s a boy but when I was growing up anytime I left the house I had to tell my parents where I was going and what time I would be back. My stepson is allowed to come and go as he pleases -again I don’t know if that’s the right approach. I don’t particularly care where he goes but I would like to know where he is in case something happens to him we can find him
To me that is a matter of independence, not just age. Would you have the same expectation of tracking stepson's whereabouts if he lived on his own?
(Do you and your husband just come and go as you please without regard for the 'what if something happens' question?)
I don't believe that letting an 18 yr old take responsibility for their own decisions is "writing the kid off and walking away". It's letting them grow up while still being available and supportive if and when they ask for help. As far as intervention, only if something he does has a direct effect on you, otherwise just stick with the advice and guidance part of parenting.
If he chooses to skip school but still maintains good grades how does that affect you? Are you paying for his schooling? If not, let him suffer whatever results of his own decisions, it's how people grow and learn.
18 is NOT the End all be all for common sense and maturity to arrive. Its a slow burn so to speak to garner those challenges that require rational thinking and problem solving. Let alone BE RESPONSIBLE.
My 19 year old grandson is INTELLIGENT with not an ounce of common sense. He seriously led a shelter life . He has zero clue how to manage a budget, tend to proper driving skills or simple car care. Love the kiddo dearly yet I'd be fearful if he had to actually reside on his own and make sensible decisions.
Some young adults CAN be mature and responsible in conjunction with how they were impacted in their younger years.
Depends. Some 18 yo are very mature, others are just like a child. I do think geographic regions have differences. Likely an 18 yo from a foreign country is going to be more mature than an average 18 yo in the western world.
It's not like at age 18, you automatically mentally become an adult, that's something that comes with years of practice and experience. It's important to start practicing or preparing for adult like responsibilities as a teen however to start working your way into it.
To me that is a matter of independence, not just age. Would you have the same expectation of tracking stepson's whereabouts if he lived on his own?
(Do you and your husband just come and go as you please without regard for the 'what if something happens' question?)
I don't believe that letting an 18 yr old take responsibility for their own decisions is "writing the kid off and walking away". It's letting them grow up while still being available and supportive if and when they ask for help. As far as intervention, only if something he does has a direct effect on you, otherwise just stick with the advice and guidance part of parenting.
If he chooses to skip school but still maintains good grades how does that affect you? Are you paying for his schooling? If not, let him suffer whatever results of his own decisions, it's how people grow and learn.
If he's living at home with his parents and his parents are paying for his schooling, no, he is not an independent adult. He's a young adult in the process of becoming an independent adult.
If I was paying for my kid's college classes and he was skipping class regularly, I would take issue with that. First, he is not getting the full benefit of his education if he isn't bothering to show up for the lectures and, secondly, he is developing some really bad habits. He might be able to get away with that lackadaisical attitude in his freshman courses but it is going to catch up with him in his upper level courses.
Also, he absolutely should be telling you at the very minimum where he is going and when he expects to be home. That's basic common courtesy.
Then make sure he knows the expectations for that and the consequences for not meeting those expectations. Myself, I am a big believer in natural consequences over the idea of trying to punish children for poor decisions.
However if you and your husband are not on the same page you're going to have a tough time setting expectations, sounds like an issue the two of you need to work out first before trying to set any kind of rules.
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