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Regarding the other poster, I think the message is ...
You CAN quote other posters.
I prefer to NOT go on for pages when replying (some regulars don't seem able to stop themselves);
but especially so early in a thread. Why? The shorter sentences tend to actually be read.
If your sister has significant learning disabilities, how did she manage to earn a master’s degree? Genuinely curious.
Believe me, it’s possible. Our friend’s daughter has a post doctoral fellowship and teaches at a university, yet she has always suffered from substance abuse, depression and other things.
You might suggest that your mom get counseling. It might help her to be able to talk through strategies with a professional. She may need to accept that suicide is a real possibility and if it happens, it won't be her fault.
My mother admits she doesn't have the gall to draw the line with statements like "easier said than done". She also worries that my sister will kill herself or end up on the street if she were to cut her off financially. She also senses that it's partially a manipulation tactic - my father (divorced) has been calling it manipulation for decades (yes the suicide threats have been going on since her 20s).
She has many, many issues. I witnessed her upbringing and proper values for being a self-sufficient adult were never really instilled as they were to me. She has been pampered and is very spoiled and entitled as a result. The learning disabilities are "auditory assimilation" where she cannot converse verbally but did okay in school. My parents like to blame all her woes on this to (IMO) avoid blame for poor parenting.
It sounds as though your dad knows his daughter. She has learned that threatening suicide will get her mother to send her money. Your sister has basically learned how to make herself a living by extorting your mother. Not good.
If your sister were truly suicidal, no amount of money that your mom sent her way would prevent her from killing herself.
Your sister is a manipulator and might even have some sort of personality disorder to be consistently putting your mother through the ringer like this. But your mom also has issues to have allowed this arrangement to happen in the first place. Your sister and your mom have a codependent relationship and you can't fix that.
As your mom ages and her savings drain towards your sister, there will come a day when the money dries up. Maybe when that happens your sister will step up and start to help your mom out but I wouldn't count on it.
This is not your responsibility, Op. Don't allow it to be.
"Mom, I love you and I want to support you, but this is a problem beyond my scope. Here are X, Y and Z resources for caregivers of adult dependents with disabilities, and there is a good therapist who can help you work though your relationship issues with my sister. I'll email you their info, too. I think you need more help than I can give here, and SHE needs more help than YOU can give, so our only chance of breaking out of this pattern we've been stuck in for decades is to reach out to outside assistance. The resources I'm helping you connect with can also provide you with resources for my sister to connect with. You don't have to decide right now, but just let me know if you want a ride to a support group meeting, or for me to sit with you while you call or email a social worker."
My mother admits she doesn't have the gall to draw the line with statements like "easier said than done". She also worries that my sister will kill herself or end up on the street if she were to cut her off financially. She also senses that it's partially a manipulation tactic - my father (divorced) has been calling it manipulation for decades (yes the suicide threats have been going on since her 20s).
She has many, many issues. I witnessed her upbringing and proper values for being a self-sufficient adult were never really instilled as they were to me. She has been pampered and is very spoiled and entitled as a result. The learning disabilities are "auditory assimilation" where she cannot converse verbally but did okay in school. My parents like to blame all her woes on this to (IMO) avoid blame for poor parenting.
My thoughts, without having read beyond the quoted post:
She can put a date on withdrawal of support so it’s not cold turkey.
Where is the father, anyway?
This is a chronic stressor that probably has left all of you with C-PTSD.
She could probably get a job working online at least part time. I have been a freelance writer and editor since 2008 and only once did I actually converse with someone in person for a local gig, and only once over the phone for an interview with an agency. There are so many opportunities now.
Is there anybody else in your sister’s life? I assume no husband or kids. Friends? What is her support system like beyond the mom? What is your relationship with her? I agree that cutting ties at least temporarily with both might be in order for self-preservation.
The parents don’t need to really take any blame at this point. She’s been an adult for two decades. At some point, it’s crucial to quit blaming parents and start blaming the individual for not having overcome whatever. It sounds like you have it straight, but they do not and that’s where the problem lies. Your sis is emotionally blackmailing your mom.
Have you asked your Mother how she thinks your sister will survive when she dies? Is she expecting you to support her? You might try explaining to your Mother that if she doesn't insist on your sister getting mental health help now, before anymore financial help is forthcoming, that she is setting her up to be homeless and unable to care for herself when she ( your mom) dies.
Or, is your Mother is able to set her up with a trust that will support her for the rest of her life? If not, maybe someone needs to tell your sister that she better be able to work and provide for herself when Mom dies because she will find herself homeless. Is this more than she can comprehend? Is she using drugs as well as being mentally ill?
I was wondering about this also. I have a family member who has a trust for a child he is also supporting and has always supported for his whole adult life. I also have another family member who threatened to rewrite a will to use any inheritance toward mental health treatment (in this case, the person is not actually mentally I’ll so not sure how this will play out). Anyway, those options might be proposed to your mother in order to take back some kind of control of the situation.
I'm not so sure she has gotten all good advice. This is her only sibling, her mother desperately asked for her advice. It's most certainly her "job" to get involved if she cares at all about her family.
With that said I wish I had good advice but this is just such a tough situation. I can certainly see why the mom would not take a hard line approach, suicide while merely a threat now is always a possibility should the sister find herself destitute and then how will the mom live with herself? I am curious as to why one sister would be raised totally different than the other sister. But it looks clear to me that this may be a big part of the problem.
To your last comment: My husband is two decades older than his youngest sibling and is more like a father figure to him. I’m guessing it’s a similar situation here.
I feel for everyone in the situation but I think the mom needs to progressively lay down some boundaries. It’s nobody’s fault but the person who suicides themselves. The guilt trip cannot legitimately be laid at anyone’s else feet.
To your last comment: My husband is two decades older than his youngest sibling and is more like a father figure to him. I’m guessing it’s a similar situation here.
I feel for everyone in the situation but I think the mom needs to progressively lay down some boundaries. It’s nobody’s fault but the person who suicides themselves. The guilt trip cannot legitimately be laid at anyone’s else feet.
A mother is never going to put her own life ahead of her child's. As long as Mom continues to believe that the financial help that she is sending to her daughter is what is keeping her daughter alive, this will not change.
My thoughts, without having read beyond the quoted post:
She can put a date on withdrawal of support so it’s not cold turkey.
Where is the father, anyway?
This is a chronic stressor that probably has left all of you with C-PTSD.
She could probably get a job working online at least part time. I have been a freelance writer and editor since 2008 and only once did I actually converse with someone in person for a local gig, and only once over the phone for an interview with an agency. There are so many opportunities now.
Is there anybody else in your sister’s life? I assume no husband or kids. Friends? What is her support system like beyond the mom? What is your relationship with her? I agree that cutting ties at least temporarily with both might be in order for self-preservation.
The parents don’t need to really take any blame at this point. She’s been an adult for two decades. At some point, it’s crucial to quit blaming parents and start blaming the individual for not having overcome whatever. It sounds like you have it straight, but they do not and that’s where the problem lies. Your sis is emotionally blackmailing your mom.
The time to have laid down the law and struck boundaries was way back when the daughter began struggling and asking for help.
This has been going on for decades now. What started out as a little help has now become a full blown lifestyle. The way things are done.
This will go on until the money runs dry or the mother becomes incapable of handling her own affairs.
Last edited by springfieldva; 09-12-2023 at 10:02 AM..
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