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The title says it. I have a 41 year-old younger sister, my only sibling, that has struggled with self-esteem, depression, has significant learning disabilities, and has been employed for about 5 years of her life. She cannot find work and when she does, she gets fired and has proven to be a poor employee at every opportunity. She feels sorry for herself like no one I have ever met but absolutely refuses to get professional help, even though my mother offers to do everything she can to provide help.
My mother has an enmeshed relationship with her where they talk almost everyday. These talks almost always include suicide threats which leave my mother paralyzed. She has been supporting her financially for the better part of her adult life even though my sister has a bachelor's degree from a top 25 university and a master's to go with it.
I also feel my sister is spoiled rotten, is extremely entitled to my mother's financial help, and feels many jobs are beneath her. My mother complains to me about her suicide threats and asks me for advice. I tell her to draw a line with her financial support and make it contingent on my sister agreeing to get serious help, but she cannot do it.
It's not your job to fix either one.
Nor to take any responsibility for any choices either has made. Or not made.
They seem to have a symbiotic relationship that works (well enough) for them. For now.
Cut 'em both loose from your moorings and move on with your own life.
It works because my mom gives in and pays her cost of living. Guess I'll tell her to buzz off next time she comes complaining to me about my sister's suicide threats.
Sadly, your chances of success are slim, since this has been going on for decades.
Your impulse seems reasonable and correct, to put conditions on the financial help. When you say "she cannot do it" - does she herself say she can't. or does she agree but then back out? I hope when you're giving this advice, that you avoid denigrating your sister, and instead emphasize how unhappy it makes you to see your mother so upset.
What if there were a third person as intermediary? For instance, is either your mother's doctor or lawyer someone that might be considered a trusted friend?
Omg—- what a stressful situation! Your poor mom having to deal with that type of manipulation …
You say your sis has severe learning disabilities, but yet has both her bachelors and Masters from a top 25 University? Did her behavior change drastically after school? Is she possibly bipolar ?
Are you close enough with her to have a non judgmental sounding conversation to explain the toll and pain she is causing your mom? I know that might be difficult especially because her manipulative tactics to extort money from your mom seems so deliberately malicious. However, if you can find any way to get through to her to release your mom from that burden…
Would your mom be ok to tell her that if she wants any sort of continued financial support, she will need to agree to change her tactics by going to counseling rather than resorting to suicide threats?Maybe a counselor could mediate a conversation between them to a create healthier situation for your mom.
Regarding the other poster, I think the message is that sometimes you have to let the two people involved find their own way. Otherwise you may drown right along with them.
I know in my case I had to free myself by saying I no longer wanted to be the go between and to keep me out of their drama. Guess what? They survived and figured it out.
Maybe you could also contact a suicide prevention group for support and advice since your situation is even more extreme.
My mother admits she doesn't have the gall to draw the line with statements like "easier said than done". She also worries that my sister will kill herself or end up on the street if she were to cut her off financially. She also senses that it's partially a manipulation tactic - my father (divorced) has been calling it manipulation for decades (yes the suicide threats have been going on since her 20s).
She has many, many issues. I witnessed her upbringing and proper values for being a self-sufficient adult were never really instilled as they were to me. She has been pampered and is very spoiled and entitled as a result. The learning disabilities are "auditory assimilation" where she cannot converse verbally but did okay in school. My parents like to blame all her woes on this to (IMO) avoid blame for poor parenting.
Have you asked your Mother how she thinks your sister will survive when she dies? Is she expecting you to support her? You might try explaining to your Mother that if she doesn't insist on your sister getting mental health help now, before anymore financial help is forthcoming, that she is setting her up to be homeless and unable to care for herself when she ( your mom) dies.
Or, is your Mother is able to set her up with a trust that will support her for the rest of her life? If not, maybe someone needs to tell your sister that she better be able to work and provide for herself when Mom dies because she will find herself homeless. Is this more than she can comprehend? Is she using drugs as well as being mentally ill?
Friends have a grown son who is doing the exact same thing to his mother. He also has extensive education and has shown he can hold down a job. But the threats control her and she is afraid of what would happen if..........
You cannot change either of them but have gotten good advice.
I'm not so sure she has gotten all good advice. This is her only sibling, her mother desperately asked for her advice. It's most certainly her "job" to get involved if she cares at all about her family.
With that said I wish I had good advice but this is just such a tough situation. I can certainly see why the mom would not take a hard line approach, suicide while merely a threat now is always a possibility should the sister find herself destitute and then how will the mom live with herself? I am curious as to why one sister would be raised totally different than the other sister. But it looks clear to me that this may be a big part of the problem.
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