Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
One of my Dad's friends had a son that was sort of like this. He wouldn't keep a job and his mother kept enabling him by allowing him to live with them. She also pretty much always paid for his car and give him money......you know like he was still a teenager living at home. When they would start trying to push him out of the house or cut him off financially, here would come all of the manipulative behavior and the suicide threats to try to get his way. My Dad's friend asked him for advice, my dad told him the same thing I had heard him say for years......."Ask him what he wants......a gun, a bottle of pills, a rope or what?.....So you can get on with it." It sounds harsh but it worked as far as the suicide threats went. The fact of the matter is people that commit suicide typically just go do it and are successful. People who regularly use the threat of it to try to get their way are really just being manipulative.
At 78, this might be more than the mother can wrap her head around and she's taking the path of least resistance and the one that will cause her the least amount of emotional distress. She's been sending her daughter cash infusions for 20 years and likely will continue to do so until the money runs out, she dies or her daughter dies.
Every month for the past 240 months and since Mom was only 58, herself, she has been deciding to send money to her daughter.
Every month for the past 240 months and since the sister was only 21, herself, Sis has been accepting and spending and counting on Mom's money.
This is a lifestyle that both of them have been choosing to live for 20 years. This is their normal. It took them both to create this dynamic.
Another poster said that when something happens to Mom's money (she runs out, dies, gets incapicated) that Sis will figure out a new money source and that probably is what will happen.
Totally agree - my mother is taking the path of least resistance by continuing to give her money and not demanding she get help. She has millions and still gets substantial monthly income form some oil and mineral rights inherited so reserves are a plenty. It is definitely a choice and a symbiotic, enmeshed relationship
Quote:
Originally Posted by crillon
This sounds familiar as I have a family member with the same background--highly educated, unable to keep a job, depression, supported financially, etc. This is not usually an issue of entitlement, failure to launch, etc., but something deeper that she can't control. Her learning disability alone can be challenging to manage, esp if it has not been addressed. Your sister likely has an undiagnosed psychological issue (neurodivergent, bipolar) cascading from the learning disability requiring a diagnosis and then therapy and/or meds to stabilize her.
Your mother (with your help) needs to calmly and sensitively convince your sister to have a conversation with a good therapist to get support and help. That your mother will pay for it. If your sister won't do that, your mother can offer to go with her and do a family counseling appointment, so your sister is not feeling singled out. Whatever it takes, get her in to see someone. In the end, it helps everyone.
Suicide threats are real. Do what you can to support her without frustration, as that will only drive her deeper into despair. I know how very difficult this is, but once everyone realizes what is going on with her, her life and that of your mother's will get so much better and you can all rest easy.
I wish you the very best of luck and don't give up on her.
Yeah, back to my statement above here. My mother is taking the path of least resistance and not wanting to cause any bad feelings between her and my sister. She was diagnosed with auditory assimilation as a child but has dug her heels into the ground getting help as an adult and refuses to take any medication. She has also chosen career paths centered around verbally communicating with others which was obviously not a good choice.
Ironically, I was sent to rehab and then boarding school as a teenager for smoking pot, but 20 years of suicide threats and unwillingness to support oneself as an adult or get help - mostly acceptable.
The other issue is my sister lives in a small town in the northwest while my mother and I live in another state. My mother and sister see eachother about once a year but talk daily. She has actually called the police who made a visit to my sister for this years ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dijkstra
One of my Dad's friends had a son that was sort of like this. He wouldn't keep a job and his mother kept enabling him by allowing him to live with them. She also pretty much always paid for his car and give him money......you know like he was still a teenager living at home. When they would start trying to push him out of the house or cut him off financially, here would come all of the manipulative behavior and the suicide threats to try to get his way. My Dad's friend asked him for advice, my dad told him the same thing I had heard him say for years......."Ask him what he wants......a gun, a bottle of pills, a rope or what?.....So you can get on with it." It sounds harsh but it worked as far as the suicide threats went. The fact of the matter is people that commit suicide typically just go do it and are successful. People who regularly use the threat of it to try to get their way are really just being manipulative.
No chance my mother will take a hard line on this.
As frustrating as it is mental illness is real. Someone pointed to possible Bipolar. That usually shows up around 30ish. Bipolar go through years of various antidepressants and a lot of them end up committing suicide. They have a 90% divorce rate. I know someone (a best friend of one of my good friend) who was diagnosed with it at 65 and within one month of that diagnosis she hung herself in her garage. She was not getting the right help all that time and then that diagnosis sent her over the edge. She had been a computer programmer working in the corporate world for decades. I realize we like to think what a waste that is and maybe just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but, depression can take a hold on someone.
Realize to you she is your annoying sister; but, it is obviously something beyond any of our comprehension may be going on in that situation.
Family issues can take a long time to get over and it might be good for you to have a talented shrink. A third party who is professionally trained can really guide you through your own healing path. It is better to let go of any hold you think you have on your mother's potential estate. Who knows how much will be there when it is all said and done. I have a friend that lived with her mother with her son and then was her caretaker. She inherited the house in San Diego and her brother will not speak to her (even though their mom helped get him into a house in Nevada). Obviously, that San Diego house with tiny Prop 13 taxes was like winning the lottery. But, she was with her mom through a 7 year cancer battle (as well as she also gave her a grandson where this asset can continue to pass down).
Sounds like a sad situation and yes i'd say mental illness is at play coupled with your sister knows how to take advantage of your mother. I'm not blaming your mother but she has enabled this situation. Your sister is basically a 41 year old child. I dont think there's much you can do about it at this point. Your mother isn't going to turn her back on your sister, your sister seems incapable of change on her own.
As frustrating as it is mental illness is real. Someone pointed to possible Bipolar. That usually shows up around 30ish. Bipolar go through years of various antidepressants and a lot of them end up committing suicide. They have a 90% divorce rate. I know someone (a best friend of one of my good friend) who was diagnosed with it at 65 and within one month of that diagnosis she hung herself in her garage. She was not getting the right help all that time and then that diagnosis sent her over the edge. She had been a computer programmer working in the corporate world for decades. I realize we like to think what a waste that is and maybe just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but, depression can take a hold on someone.
Realize to you she is your annoying sister; but, it is obviously something beyond any of our comprehension may be going on in that situation.
Agreed.
My sister-in-law is bipolar. It began around age 30 after her divorce. She always worked full time. If she didn't have five weeks of vacation time for her depressive mood swings, she would have lost her job.
It's a fine line between helping and hovering over/enabling a sick adult child. It's almost impossible for a parent to have the clarity needed to see the difference.
BTW - My sister-in-law was such an awful b*tch that for my own sanity I haven't talked to her in nearly 25 years. My husband was the healthy child therefore, forgotten child by his mother. So I understand the OP's hostility with the whole totally unfair situation. I think it's important to realize that my sister-in-law and mother-in-law are not happy people. I'm willing to be that the OP's sister and mother aren't happy either. The old saying "living well is the best revenge" is especially true with these family dynamics.
Last edited by YorktownGal; 09-14-2023 at 09:41 AM..
My sister-in-law is bipolar. It began around age 30 after her divorce. She always worked full time. If she didn't have five weeks of vacation time for her depressive mood swings, she would have lost her job.
It's a fine line between helping and hovering over/enabling a sick adult child. It's almost impossible for a parent to have the clarity needed to see the difference.
BTW - My sister-in-law was such an awful b*tch that for my own sanity I haven't talked to her in nearly 25 years. My husband was the healthy child therefore, forgotten child by his mother. So I understand the OP's hostility with the whole totally unfair situation. I think it's important to realize that my sister-in-law and mother-in-law are not happy people. I'm willing to be that the OP's sister and mother aren't happy either. The old saying "living well is the best revenge" is especially true with these family dynamics.
Sometimes, instead of continuing to torture yourself, you just have to let it go and focus on your own life. Family are just people. They do not get crowned royalty and allowed to let all normal social conventions fly out the window. You have to stop participating with it in any respect (unfortunately).
The time to have laid down the law and struck boundaries was way back when the daughter began struggling and asking for help.
This has been going on for decades now. What started out as a little help has now become a full blown lifestyle. The way things are done.
This will go on until the money runs dry or the mother becomes incapable of handling her own affairs.
Nice way to present a picture of hope. There is always time to change and improve things. Always.
I put boundaries up with my family of origin finally when I was around 30. I do have someone saying they would off themselves without me in their life. I know how it goes. I also know it would not be my fault if she did.
Agree with this but if both my sister and mother are unwilling to change there is nothing anyone else can do to help.
My concerns are mainly what happens when my mother is not capable of taking care of herself and how my sisters issues fit into that equation.
If your mother has the millions of dollars at her disposal as you wrote and your sister is aware of that money, don't be surprised if your mother has already set things up to keep the cash flowing your sister's way be your mother still living or dead. Mental illness or not, manipulative people often find ways to coerce others into caring for them either directly or indirectly...or both.
That being said, hopefully you've preemptively set up firm, yet kind boundaries of your own with your sister. If your mother has failed to set up provisions for your sister, said sister can and will come a-knocking at your door when and if the parental well runs dry.
Nice way to present a picture of hope. There is always time to change and improve things. Always.
I put boundaries up with my family of origin finally when I was around 30. I do have someone saying they would off themselves without me in their life. I know how it goes. I also know it would not be my fault if she did.
The mother in this scenario is nearly 80. She's too old to drag into family counseling. And the 41 year old daughter is a grown woman who is too old to be supported by her mommy.
It's dysfunctional, it's unhealthy and, unfortunately, at this late date it is unlikely to change.
There is a snowball's chance in hell of that 41 year old putting up boundaries with her mother. As long as the free money is flowing, she will remain latched on.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
