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Thanks. It's real. Not sure how it got to this point, but as a parent I'm disappointed with myself.
I showed him the post and he went berserk. He claims various statements are not true, so I went through it line by line with him. He said he's been better at giving back devices lately (which is true) so doesn't appreciate me saying "It is often a massive battle." But I have a lot of bad memories of the fights. As recently as last night he called me a '*****' for turning off the TV at 10:30pm.
He also wants to point out that I'm always "shouting" at him about these issues. But I feel I start off in a in a good mood using a regular talking tone, and over the course of the night it does turn to shouting. By 2am, I am upset, definitely.
Anyhow, thanks for the replies. I do agree there needs to be some professional intervention here.
Don't come down on yourself too harshly brother. I have a 16 yr old boy who has similarities to yours.
Give yourself some slack man...you have been and continue to take care of all his needs, everything! You deserve a lot of credit for that so give yourself that credit. Kids often have a lot more emotional strength than we do. We have a career, other kids, a mortgage, cars, bills, food to cook, a home to maintain, not to mention our own health, etc. That kid should be kissing your feet! My kid also hides devices and such. He's gotten better but we've been hitting him hard with things in order to help him. It makes it better/easier to do when you say that in your head - that your being strict for his own good, which you are.
My mantra has been that if he can't handle things, we will handle it for him. And he was unable to handle having his devices on all the time so we restricted. He is in therapy, he is in a specialized program at school, etc. He is angry at all of it and I don't blame him. I wouldn't want it either but again, if he can't handle things on his own we will do it for him.
I'll say this, the cursing at you is completly out of the question. That would be a swift and immediate high level punishment. A bad one. No way no how. Respect must be given, no question and no compromise, nothing.
Some kids are just like that unfortunately. Until he matures, the relationship would suffer and he would get nothing, zero. We now allow our kid some latitude after he's shown an ability to handle it but he still doesn't get a lot from us and that makes him angry. Poor little victim who gets to live in a nice warm home and good neighborhood and has luxuries. F that. It happens, some kids don't have a good relationship wiht their parents until they are in their 30's. If he wants something, he can go and make some money, which of course will leave him with much less time to do stupid and dagnerous things, so win - win. lol
You are definitely not being too strict. IWhat you are doing is called parenting. Many other parents would call it quits and let their kid run wild so good on you, keep it up! Your kid needs you.
My slogan:
If your not traumatized, did you really parent anyone? lol
If I pulled a stunt like that with my old man (who was never abusive, BTW), I would find myself sleeping in the park. As far as your son is concerned, I'd take all his devices away, lock them up and tell him he can only earn them back by following your rules. As far as his language goes, If my son had ever called my wife a C U Next Tuesday, I would have tossed his ass out on the street.
Tough love can be harsh, but it certainly teaches very important lessons about entitlement and respect. Regardless if you choose that path or another, it is very important to follow through with any consequences you have told him will result from his behavior. By giving into his demands and/or making empty threats, you are only reinforcing the bad behavior by giving him control. Take it back.
Now they are starting to put parents in jail for their children's crimes. Honestly, I feel this should have been happening all along with the school shootings. I realize the gaming is not a crime; but, the kid's attitude is beyond the pale and those gaming devices with their very violent games could be the gateway drug to it all for all we know.
The really alarming thing. I am 61 and when I was growing up we had so much outdoor activity starting with walking to school. We just had all kinds of activities and played really hard. So, that excess TV after homework was gone was already "paid for."
I am wondering if OP could set up a way to Earn Device Time by soccer or team sports done at school or exercise after school (outside at the house with other children, parents and children go to athletic club and swim, or take classes, play ball or work out). Equal screen time for exercise???
I do not want to hijack the thread, but, I had an issue in my neighborhood whereby a mother brings her two boys across from my house. They embark on screaming at the top of their lungs while playing with a radio operated car zipping around my house and driveway too. I work from home and the screaming was insane. More annoying they were not my neighbors, they were from around the corner visiting my neighbors across the street. Not only did I consider it the height of rudeness I fear that the bad mom is tainting my neighbor because then her son was joining in on that top of the lung screaming. We have small lots. Am I off base here? I feel like if it was okay they would let them to it in their own house instead of next to where my den is where I work. I got pretty enraged and yelled across to her when the 'bad mom' was heading back. We have had nothing but pleasantry for a couple of years. I let her know that was not okay and the other mom kids need to return home. I cannot pretend like that is okay. I know I am a different generation. But, those screamers will end up getting kicked out of school and potentially worse crimes will ensue (because they are left with the idea it is okay for them to do whatever they want). What do you all say about that?
a mother brings her two boys across from my house. They embark on screaming at the top of their lungs while playing with a radio operated car zipping around my house and driveway too. I work from home and the screaming was insane.
I would have walked over and spoken to the mothers and told them I work from home and cannot tolerate that kind of noise during daytime hours, and to please take it into their own backyards and away from my home. Kindness kills. If this was after hours play, though, I'd reschedule when I worked.
I would have walked over and spoken to the mothers and told them I work from home and cannot tolerate that kind of noise during daytime hours, and to please take it into their own backyards and away from my home. Kindness kills. If this was after hours play, though, I'd reschedule when I worked.
No, it was right smack in the middle of the day. Let me say that normally children playing does not bother me at all. It was the screaming at the top of the lungs that I could not tolerate. It was the first time I experienced anything that bad and I did not think it would go on very long, but, then it did.
I just want to make sure I am not out in left field. And, you are telling me that you would have approached them about it. So, I am not too far out in left field.
Kids play hard around here and that never bothers me. That level of screaming I do not think I have ever experienced. And, I am old. I am just not sure if something has shifted culturally where that is supposed to be okay.
No, it was right smack in the middle of the day. Let me say that normally children playing does not bother me at all. It was the screaming at the top of the lungs that I could not tolerate. It was the first time I experienced anything that bad and I did not think it would go on very long, but, then it did.
They probably didn't know you were home working. Introducing yourself now before the other kids come back would probably go over even better.
They probably didn't know you were home working. Introducing yourself now before the other kids come back would probably go over even better.
A whole ton of people in my neighborhood work from home along with the neighbor across the street's own husband. I don't know about the lady with the house around the corner.
I guess I think it is a more universal question than that. That children should not be screaming at the very top of their lungs anywhere in public. I also do not like it when people let their kids loose at the store. A lot of people fear being knocked over due to invisible disabilities (they would likely be injured if they fall).
Maybe a playground is the spot for that (and possibly that's not even appropriate).
I would have walked over and spoken to the mothers and told them I work from home and cannot tolerate that kind of noise during daytime hours, and to please take it into their own backyards and away from my home. Kindness kills. If this was after hours play, though, I'd reschedule when I worked.
We have three kids: A 14yr old boy, an 11yr old girl, and a 5yr old girl.
The 14yr old boy wants to stay up all night gaming, swears in most of his sentences, and thinks we are the strictest parents in the world.
On school nights we take his phone from him at 9:30pm. It is often a massive battle. He thinks he should have devices until at least midnight, or preferably all night long.
Often he will sneak another device into his room by creeping into our bedroom and taking one while we sleep, or hoarding older devices that we were not aware of. I often catch him gaming in the middle of the night but if he hears me coming, he quickly switches off the game and then denies everything.
He refuses to go to bed either way and often keeps family members awake with all his noise. When approached, he will say “sure, I’ll keep it down”, but will be noisy again almost immediately. If I start losing my patience, and threatening him with “no devices tomorrow” or something similar, he will yell at the top of his lungs, call me the C word, punch the walls, tell me to "F off", tell me I'm mentally abusing him, tell me he hates me, etc. I will sometimes visit him five times in the night because his noise is preventing me from sleeping, to try to get him to stop making noise and go to bed.
He has zero interest in school or doing chores. His only chore is to do the dishes once every two days, and he says we should be grateful to him for doing this job for us, which we are but he makes out like it’s a huge deal and that he’s very hard done by.
When he doesn’t get his way he routinely threatens suicide or leaving. He feels he needs to get “revenge” for anything that doesn’t go his way and has a deep need to “win” any confrontation.
We don’t know what to do. We think we have all the devices over night but he often gets hold of another one.
What time are other parents seeing their 14yr old go to sleep? Are other 14yr olds doing more chores? Are we too strict? Any advice?
I raised my kids before devices but when my son was 14 I caught him smoking cigarettes. We had a long discussion and he was grounded for a week. No longer than 10 minutes had passed he comes running downstairs from his room. He had smoked a cigg and flicked the still lit butt out his window which landed inside my open car window. I went to his room with trash bags and took EVERYTHING, except his clothes.
He knew better than to talk back to me or curse me. That type behavior was nipped in the bud when he was still in diapers. He is 40 now, still smokes but has never disrespected me in the manner your son has. Pushed my buttons a few times in his teens, as teens will, but never said the things your son did.
Sounds to me like he needs professional help at this point.
We have three kids: A 14yr old boy, an 11yr old girl, and a 5yr old girl.
The 14yr old boy wants to stay up all night gaming, swears in most of his sentences, and thinks we are the strictest parents in the world.
On school nights we take his phone from him at 9:30pm. It is often a massive battle. He thinks he should have devices until at least midnight, or preferably all night long.
Often he will sneak another device into his room by creeping into our bedroom and taking one while we sleep, or hoarding older devices that we were not aware of. I often catch him gaming in the middle of the night but if he hears me coming, he quickly switches off the game and then denies everything.
He refuses to go to bed either way and often keeps family members awake with all his noise. When approached, he will say “sure, I’ll keep it down”, but will be noisy again almost immediately. If I start losing my patience, and threatening him with “no devices tomorrow” or something similar, he will yell at the top of his lungs, call me the C word, punch the walls, tell me to "F off", tell me I'm mentally abusing him, tell me he hates me, etc. I will sometimes visit him five times in the night because his noise is preventing me from sleeping, to try to get him to stop making noise and go to bed.
He has zero interest in school or doing chores. His only chore is to do the dishes once every two days, and he says we should be grateful to him for doing this job for us, which we are but he makes out like it’s a huge deal and that he’s very hard done by.
When he doesn’t get his way he routinely threatens suicide or leaving. He feels he needs to get “revenge” for anything that doesn’t go his way and has a deep need to “win” any confrontation.
We don’t know what to do. We think we have all the devices over night but he often gets hold of another one.
What time are other parents seeing their 14yr old go to sleep? Are other 14yr olds doing more chores? Are we too strict? Any advice?
My 14 yr old son has the same problem but he's using the school and the government to defy my order to sleep by 10pm.
I really think the government needs to GTFO out of family matters. Here is the problem with the government, as a parent you cannot use any method to coerce you child to obey your house rules. You cannot take away their phones as it is now consider an "essential" item. You cannot tell your kids not to use the phone as you cannot dictate what they do on their own phones. The government protects children when you are yelling at your kids or using any verbal or physical discipline methods.
The schools are calling me saying my son is falling asleep in class. What do you want me to do? I can't do anything to my son. He knows the law and I can't instill any discipline. So eventually I collaborated with the school and said he will be left back and all of his friends will move on if he doesn't improve. That pushed him to finished up his HW and projects. Then once he's done and the school said he's ok with this semester. He's back to gaming middle of the night.
We need government to GTFO of managing kids and families. Kids have too much protection and rights, what it will lead to is a generation of lazy entitled adults.
My ex-wife now has custody of him and I don't want to deal with him anymore. He's entitled and abusing the law for his own short term advantages.
The schools said it is your responsibility but the parents can't take any measure to enforce abidance of family rules when the law says you cannot do anything that will cause them mental harm if they felt the parents are threatening them. So be it.
This whole government of overprotecting the kids will lead to generational problems.
You can be a great parent and still end up with a wayward child that sucks up all your energy. Most kids are pretty agreeable and rule followers and no extreme parenting measures are needed. Wish they all were like that.
OP, you and your wife need to have the mindset that it's your house, your rules, end of story. In 4 years, if he's working and saving up money he can move out, support himself and do whatever he wants. But not now. He's getting close to driving age and I would use that to your advantage. If he doesn't follow your rules and prove he's responsible and respect both of you, you won't allow him to take driver's ed. Your goal is to turn him into a responsible adult who can live on his own.
I would definitely take his phone at night and hide it under my pillow if necessary. That sneaking into your room is outrageous. And what sort of mom sleeps with ear plugs, I couldn't do that. Shouldn't be any noise from the kids after bedtime. No TV's, no sound on games if he's allowed to stay up and play awhile.
I would've washed his mouth out with soap if he called me a name or cursed. But, nowadays he could go to school and report you for being abusive.
Does he do any sports? Does he have a basketball hoop outside where he can burn off energy? Do you have him mow the yard? You could allow him X hours of gaming equal to X hours of physical activity.
Do you need cameras in the house to see what happens at night? You can get notifications on your phone if there is movement.
I don't think any therapist will help. Even if he is diagnosed with ODD or something, they just prescribe meds that usually cause other problems. Another thought is to clean up his diet, less sugar, more protein and fats.
Best of luck.
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