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Thanks. It's real. Not sure how it got to this point, but as a parent I'm disappointed with myself.
I showed him the post and he went berserk. He claims various statements are not true, so I went through it line by line with him. He said he's been better at giving back devices lately (which is true) so doesn't appreciate me saying "It is often a massive battle." But I have a lot of bad memories of the fights. As recently as last night he called me a '*****' for turning off the TV at 10:30pm.
He also wants to point out that I'm always "shouting" at him about these issues. But I feel I start off in a in a good mood using a regular talking tone, and over the course of the night it does turn to shouting. By 2am, I am upset, definitely.
Anyhow, thanks for the replies. I do agree there needs to be some professional intervention here.
And what did you do when he called you that? All teens are rebellious but this is over the top. Definitely need some professional help. For more suggestions here, it would help if we understood your parenting style while he was growing up. We can't make many useful suggestions if we don't know what the background is.
Thanks. It's real. Not sure how it got to this point, but as a parent I'm disappointed with myself.
I showed him the post and he went berserk. He claims various statements are not true, so I went through it line by line with him. He said he's been better at giving back devices lately (which is true) so doesn't appreciate me saying "It is often a massive battle." But I have a lot of bad memories of the fights. As recently as last night he called me a '*****' for turning off the TV at 10:30pm.
He also wants to point out that I'm always "shouting" at him about these issues. But I feel I start off in a in a good mood using a regular talking tone, and over the course of the night it does turn to shouting. By 2am, I am upset, definitely.
Anyhow, thanks for the replies. I do agree there needs to be some professional intervention here.
He didn't get this way overnight. Unless he's a certified sociopath those behaviors have been allowed and enabled. Now he's nearly adult sized. He's at a crossroads and he needs professional help yesterday.
She’s very sweet but her biggest weakness is the obsession to her iPhone (like the majority of her generation.), not for gaming, not for social media (she’s not allowed to) but listening to the music and making pictures/videos. Often the only time she and we have the tension or constant back and forth negotiation is for the screen time.-she can’t handle the screen time, she gets very, very happy and excited but then you can tell she starts to get more tense or moody. It’s the sign of overstimulations. Toddlers scream or meltdown when they are over-stimulated, teenagers get snappy and short and moody when they are over-stimulated. Can be from anything, but unfortunately it’s usually the phone these days.
We are, and have been very strict with a few things (she’s otherwise been kind of free-ranged and happy-go-lucky, which in hindsight I regret of giving her too much freedom.) 1: bed time (at 14 she’s in bed usually by 9 am. We specifically told her kids’ growth hormones are the most active during 9-11 pm & 5-7 am. No play and must be in bed unless there are legit reasons-traveling, concerts, health-related matters…etc.) 2: bowel movement 3: safety 4: social media (my husband and I absolutely dislike the current trend of social media for kids, especially TikTok.)-in no order, though safety will always always the very first priority.
Look for a book called https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/res...ley/1120251038-many kids these days are dopamine deficient from the screen time obsession (gaming is definitely one of them.) which results in poor attention, lack of self-regulation, poor emotional regulation and plethora of learning/behavioral issues. Screen time is an addiction, his behavior now is very similar to an addict, his brain doesn’t have the tool to handle the withdrawal (when he’s not playing games.) and like an addict, he wants to play all night for the high.
He needs intervention, whether it’s from school, from you and/or professional therapists.
Set the boundaries, don’t yell at him (because it will not help, only makes him resent you more.) and he needs to ween off the gaming step-by-step. I’m not the expert but understand the screen obsession as my 14 yrs old, if left to her own devices, can probably glue herself to the phone (mostly music and concerts from YouTube. Even that concerned me because once you have fun electronically the mundane “boring” things such as chores and studying can seem to be tedious to even adults.-their brain is still growing and isn’t mature yet. Look at how many adults glue themselves on the phone these days aimlessly scrolling up and down! How can we expect the young kids have the maturity to curb their obsession?!)
The book I mentioned above did have the plan of attack with kids’ screen time obsession. You have to give him incentive and reward. You have to carefully ween off (don’t expect to be cold turkey as it will relapse miserably.) and definitely don’t push too hard, be careful with any verbal and physical violence.
He’s right now probably miserable from the sleep deprivation and being constantly high from the gaming. That’s probably all he can think of and he can’t stop until his dopamine gets fulfilled. He needs good sleep, outdoor time and physical activities. He needs love and understanding (even when he’s at his most difficult self.) and he needs to (metaphor) be in the gaming rehab so if you can work with his school or the professional (talk to his pediatrician who will have resources to guide you.) he will get the support he need, and so will you.
14 is still very young, I understand boys and girls are generally different and every child has their own unique temperament/personality. Most kids, unless a born sociopath, are capable of loving and understanding right from wrong. Investigate his social life and what kinds of kids he hangs out with, if there’s any bad influence from his peers, what his online activities are and set the time frame for his gaming or screen time. Diversify his life so he won’t just be between school and gaming: traveling, outdoor time, social events, physical activities (when they get so tired they will fall asleep no matter how much they fight.) and familiar support. Don’t alienate him, it will not help your mission.
Good luck, check the book, it’s very good and you’ll feel supported because you’re not alone.
And what did you do when he called you that? All teens are rebellious but this is over the top. Definitely need some professional help. For more suggestions here, it would help if we understood your parenting style while he was growing up. We can't make many useful suggestions if we don't know what the background is.
I told him it’s unacceptable. I said that he won’t get any devices anymore - at all - until they give me a night where the noise is down and we can get a good sleep. To his credit (and his sister) he was far quieter all night and I was not woken once. This is a big step, but I still feel there is a high level of disrespect, with the name-calling.
Parenting style:
One of the problems that has contributed to this situation, is that my wife and I have often been on different pages regarding our parenting styles. I do feel that I should’ve “layed down the law” more decisively over the years, but she is against it and accuses me of being too tough. So I back off and try and find a compromise, but my son is smart and he understands this dynamic. He runs to his mum frequently, usually embellishing stories of what happened. My wife sleeps with ear-plugs, so she has a good sleep every night. Personally I don’t want to sleep with ear plugs in, partly because I want to be alert if there is an intruder or if our 5yr old needs us in the night.
A good example of how it turns out, happened a couple of nights ago. I took devises at 10pm, but the kids stayed up making noise. Prior to going to bed I asked them to please keep it down as there are three of us trying to sleep. I had to get up a couple of times to ask for quiet, and then at 2am, I was up again and by this time I was annoyed. I went into my sons room and shouted at him to stop the noise as I’m tired and haven’t had a good sleep in days. He has a big stand-up fan just beyond his bedroom doorway, and I kicked it in frustration. The next day he told his mother, “Dad came into my room at 2am while I was trying to sleep, he picked up the fan and threw it at me”. This is the kind of thing that happens a lot, he will super-exaggerate things to get his Mum on side, when the truth is he was not “trying to sleep” and I did not “pick up the fan” or throw it. But thankfully lately my wife is getting wise to him and is realising that he’s very crafty with his stories.
I am pretty fed up with all the problems and the cursing. After the success of last night I’m thinking to impose a rule where each time he gives us a bad night he will lose devices, and if he sneaks a device into his room after dark, he will lose them for a week. The idea of switching off wifi at night is also a good one.
I told him it’s unacceptable. I said that he won’t get any devices anymore - at all - until they give me a night where the noise is down and we can get a good sleep. To his credit (and his sister) he was far quieter all night and I was not woken once. This is a big step, but I still feel there is a high level of disrespect, with the name-calling.
Parenting style:
One of the problems that has contributed to this situation, is that my wife and I have often been on different pages regarding our parenting styles. I do feel that I should’ve “layed down the law” more decisively over the years, but she is against it and accuses me of being too tough. So I back off and try and find a compromise, but my son is smart and he understands this dynamic. He runs to his mum frequently, usually embellishing stories of what happened. My wife sleeps with ear-plugs, so she has a good sleep every night. Personally I don’t want to sleep with ear plugs in, partly because I want to be alert if there is an intruder or if our 5yr old needs us in the night.
A good example of how it turns out, happened a couple of nights ago. I took devises at 10pm, but the kids stayed up making noise. Prior to going to bed I asked them to please keep it down as there are three of us trying to sleep. I had to get up a couple of times to ask for quiet, and then at 2am, I was up again and by this time I was annoyed. I went into my sons room and shouted at him to stop the noise as I’m tired and haven’t had a good sleep in days. He has a big stand-up fan just beyond his bedroom doorway, and I kicked it in frustration. The next day he told his mother, “Dad came into my room at 2am while I was trying to sleep, he picked up the fan and threw it at me”. This is the kind of thing that happens a lot, he will super-exaggerate things to get his Mum on side, when the truth is he was not “trying to sleep” and I did not “pick up the fan” or throw it. But thankfully lately my wife is getting wise to him and is realising that he’s very crafty with his stories.
I am pretty fed up with all the problems and the cursing. After the success of last night I’m thinking to impose a rule where each time he gives us a bad night he will lose devices, and if he sneaks a device into his room after dark, he will lose them for a week. The idea of switching off wifi at night is also a good one.
You and your wife need professional help too. You have to be on the same page and frankly, she's on the wrong one from what you've stated. The problem becomes trying to "lay down the law" at this point when he's had 14 years without it and with mom backing him up.
Things you can do. Shouting doesn't help nor does kicking the fan. But you also have to do a lot more than tell him "that's unacceptable." He needs consequences, but more importantly he needs to respect you. If he curses you, he loses the devices and all privileges for a month. Don't give them back the next day and don't give even if your wife sides with him. Then you and your wife seek professional guidance.
She’s very sweet but her biggest weakness is the obsession to her iPhone (like the majority of her generation.), not for gaming, not for social media (she’s not allowed to) but listening to the music and making pictures/videos. Often the only time she and we have the tension or constant back and forth negotiation is for the screen time.-she can’t handle the screen time, she gets very, very happy and excited but then you can tell she starts to get more tense or moody. It’s the sign of overstimulations. Toddlers scream or meltdown when they are over-stimulated, teenagers get snappy and short and moody when they are over-stimulated. Can be from anything, but unfortunately it’s usually the phone these days.
We are, and have been very strict with a few things (she’s otherwise been kind of free-ranged and happy-go-lucky, which in hindsight I regret of giving her too much freedom.) 1: bed time (at 14 she’s in bed usually by 9 am. We specifically told her kids’ growth hormones are the most active during 9-11 pm & 5-7 am. No play and must be in bed unless there are legit reasons-traveling, concerts, health-related matters…etc.) 2: bowel movement 3: safety 4: social media (my husband and I absolutely dislike the current trend of social media for kids, especially TikTok.)-in no order, though safety will always always the very first priority.
Look for a book called https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/res...ley/1120251038-many kids these days are dopamine deficient from the screen time obsession (gaming is definitely one of them.) which results in poor attention, lack of self-regulation, poor emotional regulation and plethora of learning/behavioral issues. Screen time is an addiction, his behavior now is very similar to an addict, his brain doesn’t have the tool to handle the withdrawal (when he’s not playing games.) and like an addict, he wants to play all night for the high.
He needs intervention, whether it’s from school, from you and/or professional therapists.
Set the boundaries, don’t yell at him (because it will not help, only makes him resent you more.) and he needs to ween off the gaming step-by-step. I’m not the expert but understand the screen obsession as my 14 yrs old, if left to her own devices, can probably glue herself to the phone (mostly music and concerts from YouTube. Even that concerned me because once you have fun electronically the mundane “boring” things such as chores and studying can seem to be tedious to even adults.-their brain is still growing and isn’t mature yet. Look at how many adults glue themselves on the phone these days aimlessly scrolling up and down! How can we expect the young kids have the maturity to curb their obsession?!)
The book I mentioned above did have the plan of attack with kids’ screen time obsession. You have to give him incentive and reward. You have to carefully ween off (don’t expect to be cold turkey as it will relapse miserably.) and definitely don’t push too hard, be careful with any verbal and physical violence.
He’s right now probably miserable from the sleep deprivation and being constantly high from the gaming. That’s probably all he can think of and he can’t stop until his dopamine gets fulfilled. He needs good sleep, outdoor time and physical activities. He needs love and understanding (even when he’s at his most difficult self.) and he needs to (metaphor) be in the gaming rehab so if you can work with his school or the professional (talk to his pediatrician who will have resources to guide you.) he will get the support he need, and so will you.
14 is still very young, I understand boys and girls are generally different and every child has their own unique temperament/personality. Most kids, unless a born sociopath, are capable of loving and understanding right from wrong. Investigate his social life and what kinds of kids he hangs out with, if there’s any bad influence from his peers, what his online activities are and set the time frame for his gaming or screen time. Diversify his life so he won’t just be between school and gaming: traveling, outdoor time, social events, physical activities (when they get so tired they will fall asleep no matter how much they fight.) and familiar support. Don’t alienate him, it will not help your mission.
Good luck, check the book, it’s very good and you’ll feel supported because you’re not alone.
How are you "strict" with a teenager's bowel movement? You shouldn't know a thing about her bowel movements.
How are you "strict" with a teenager's bowel movement? You shouldn't know a thing about her bowel movements.
Lol I meant eating vegetables/fruits/fiber/drinking enough water…etc. “Strict” in terms of the daily hygiene and how girls taking care of themselves.
(By the way I’m a woman) My daughter and I are extremely close, she tells me everything. I don’t even need to ask. (The same thing I told my Mom everything and I’m an adult.)
1. What is the noise after bedtime? You said it is loud, but you didn’t explain what the sound was.
2. What are all these devices the kid keeps finding? Why are you holding onto them? They’re clearly an issue. Get rid of them.
3. Why does this kid have a cell phone? Get rid of the phone. The kid will survive without it, and the kid disobeys with the phone a lot.
4. First-time obedience is imperative. If the kid doesn’t mind immediately, there should be consequences. This should have been taught at a young age. Implement this policy with all three kids.
5. Where is the TV you mentioned? If it’s in the kid’s room, take it out. No screens should go in the kid’s room.
I told him it’s unacceptable. I said that he won’t get any devices anymore - at all - until they give me a night where the noise is down and we can get a good sleep. To his credit (and his sister) he was far quieter all night and I was not woken once. This is a big step, but I still feel there is a high level of disrespect, with the name-calling.
Parenting style:
One of the problems that has contributed to this situation, is that my wife and I have often been on different pages regarding our parenting styles. I do feel that I should’ve “layed down the law” more decisively over the years, but she is against it and accuses me of being too tough. So I back off and try and find a compromise, but my son is smart and he understands this dynamic. He runs to his mum frequently, usually embellishing stories of what happened. My wife sleeps with ear-plugs, so she has a good sleep every night. Personally I don’t want to sleep with ear plugs in, partly because I want to be alert if there is an intruder or if our 5yr old needs us in the night.
A good example of how it turns out, happened a couple of nights ago. I took devises at 10pm, but the kids stayed up making noise. Prior to going to bed I asked them to please keep it down as there are three of us trying to sleep. I had to get up a couple of times to ask for quiet, and then at 2am, I was up again and by this time I was annoyed. I went into my sons room and shouted at him to stop the noise as I’m tired and haven’t had a good sleep in days. He has a big stand-up fan just beyond his bedroom doorway, and I kicked it in frustration. The next day he told his mother, “Dad came into my room at 2am while I was trying to sleep, he picked up the fan and threw it at me”. This is the kind of thing that happens a lot, he will super-exaggerate things to get his Mum on side, when the truth is he was not “trying to sleep” and I did not “pick up the fan” or throw it. But thankfully lately my wife is getting wise to him and is realising that he’s very crafty with his stories.
I am pretty fed up with all the problems and the cursing. After the success of last night I’m thinking to impose a rule where each time he gives us a bad night he will lose devices, and if he sneaks a device into his room after dark, he will lose them for a week. The idea of switching off wifi at night is also a good one.
Wake your wife up and have her take care of the situation.
Shouting does no good, unless he has a hearing problem. Speak firmly and LOCK UP the devices, and I used to take everything out of my son's room but his bed, dresser and alarm clock, until he could do the right thing. One time he shoved me, and I told him "Do again, and I'll call the police and you can go to foster care." No more problems after that as he knew I always followed through on what I said. Frankly, the child is out of control and may become a danger, so get help before this becomes physical. The child is in control of the house, and you must take control back, well, if you ever had it. I take with all the things this child is allowed, he must be a straight A student to have all this spare time for his devices, and if not, well, be the adult in the house, as I am guessing you always knew what to do, but waiting until he is 14 years old and acting out was not the best idea. So many parents let things slide, and suddenly when the kid is a teen, the behavior isn't so cute anymore!
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