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But but but.....what if she gets a new female roommate and the roommate makes her turn into a lesbian!!!!!
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Seriously, she needs to do what is financially best for herself at this point. This is someone she knows, which in my opinion would be a better option than an unknown 'hope we can get along roommate.'
Setting roommates aside, if I were the parent of either of these students I would want them to be dating other people rather than meeting at 21 and saying this is the one. The young man is obviously not ready to commit and is doing what is best for himself. She needs to do what is best for herself, too. The roommate will probably just be a roommate, but she should be looking at other options than the current bf when it comes to dating.
Parents cant dictate dating/relationships for their children, especially after 18 and usually not before.
Not that long ago a lot of couples were married by 21.
During my commute to work in the mornings, there is a radio talk show that I listen to. Each day they have what they call "Couple's Court". A couple agrees to share a disagreement with the public, and they each have a "say" in what the issue is. The station allows 5-6 listeners to call in and choose a side, so to speak. The couple has already agreed that the one with more "votes" will win the disagreement, and things will go their way.
The other day it was quite interesting. I'm going to give you the stories from each side, and just curious what you think about it and who's side you are on.
.
THE ISSUE:
Kim has been dating John for 3 years. They have been a solid and happy couple, and both of them are 24 years old. Kim has a roomie and John has his own place. Both are in their last year of college and working part time. Kim has a kink come up with her roommate and has to move out.
Kim's Side:
Kim says she asked John if she could just move in with him and he did not think that was a good idea with them both still in school and their ages. That was a little too serious for him at this point. So, Kim puts an add out there and got a bite pretty quick. An old high school friend was also looking for a roommate, and would she like to rent a place together? THE FRIEND IS A GUY. John has a big issue with this and said absolutely not, but Kim has to relocate as soon as possible and there were no other hits for a roommate. She doesn't understand why, since she asked him first and he said "no", why he has a problem with her living with a platonic guy friend.
John's Side:
John loves Kim and he can see a future with her. He sees things getting more serious, but in a more natural way. He wanted them to finish school, secure good jobs, move forward with their careers for a couple of years and then plan to marry. That was the original plan. He also thinks that, with them being just 24 and not even out of school, that moving in could cause issues due to money and other issues. He doesn't think it's a good idea, he wants things to be planned, not rushed in to.
He also has a big problem with her roomie being a guy. He thought she'd find a girl to room with and this is causing a problem with them. He thinks with them living together (Kim and friend), that it is inevitable that they will sometimes run into each other in the hall or walk in on each other in the bathroom or whatever, all of it makes him feel very bad and he will not be OK with that at all.
So, about 5 people called in, saying that "oh hell no, if he said she couldn't move in with him, then she has every right to move wherever she wants and he should not have a problem with it. He's being jealous and insecure." That is what all but one said. So the girl wins, the argument is over and she will move in with the guy.
My thoughts:
John is a level headed young man with goals set for his future, hoping she will be in it. This is not a jealousy issue, it is not an insecurity problem. This is a RESPECT issue. Would she like it if he got a cute little roommate? Hell no, that would not work for me and my fiance'. I'm completely on the guy's side. i think she's being manipulative to a certain degree because he told her she shouldn't move in with him at his place, so she'll show him. I think she may have just cut her own throat. Or as my brother would say "**** in her own mess kit".
John sounds like a great guy with a good head on his shoulders. Hard to find these days. He will eventually end their relationship and I don't blame him. I would never disrespect my fiance' like that and expect him to "deal with it."
Those are my thoughts, what are yours?
John may not be as level headed as you think. He might have serious control issues. And why is he dating Kim for so long with no intention of moving in together after 3 years. Kim is likely thinking, "so how long am I going to have to wait for my boyfriend to finally decided we are ready to get married, etc". If they were dating 3 months, for sure.. don't move in together. Logically, they can probably both use each other's help financially and moving in together can feasibly work. Men who have to call the shots on everything without being a little more flexible can be too dominating through the course of the relationship, which could make a woman like Kim lose her identity a bit. 10 years later she is now on antidepressants because John took her voice away.. what he says is more important, no matter what the circumstances. It is likley best for Kim to leave him and have her freedom, have a nice career for herself, and find another man who is a better fit for her open mindedness.
When I met my wife, she was living with a guy and I was living with a woman (both platonic, 2BR apartments). It was no big deal because there wasn't any intention for dating by either set of roommates, and that was almost 30 years ago.
This or similar issues come up on here and people get up in arms over it. Men and women can coexist without hooking up. If you're in a committed relationship and you want to honor that commitment, then don't cheat on your partner. Either YOU are a cheater or you're not. Your pants don't just fall off by themselves. If you cheat, that's on you and who you are, and it is nobody else's fault. If you can't trust your partner to live with another person and not cheat, then you don't trust them period, and you shouldn't be together.
In this case, either John wants a relationship with Kim or he doesn't. If he's not ready to live with her and he can't trust her to live with the other guy, then he doesn't trust her, period (whether the mistrust is warranted or not is irrelevant), and he should just let her go live with the other guy and either look for someone he can trust if the issue is her or work on his own trust issues if the problem is him.
I'm of the thought that a couple should not move in together because circumstances forced the decision. If circumstances present an opportunity that both were already considering, go for it. But if one or both feel like they are having to cohabitate before they are ready, then they shouldn't do it.
The BF is not ready to live together. But he also doesn't get a say in who her roommate is, especially when her choices are limited.
I agree with the bolded.
I also wonder if the roles were reversed if she would be ok with him having a female roommate.
As far as moving in together, the data supports the idea that "sliding" into a relationship in a scenario described in the original post, results in a higher breakup rate:
During my commute to work in the mornings, there is a radio talk show that I listen to. Each day they have what they call "Couple's Court". A couple agrees to share a disagreement with the public, and they each have a "say" in what the issue is. The station allows 5-6 listeners to call in and choose a side, so to speak. The couple has already agreed that the one with more "votes" will win the disagreement, and things will go their way.
The other day it was quite interesting. I'm going to give you the stories from each side, and just curious what you think about it and who's side you are on.
.
THE ISSUE:
Kim has been dating John for 3 years. They have been a solid and happy couple, and both of them are 24 years old. Kim has a roomie and John has his own place. Both are in their last year of college and working part time. Kim has a kink come up with her roommate and has to move out.
Kim's Side:
Kim says she asked John if she could just move in with him and he did not think that was a good idea with them both still in school and their ages. That was a little too serious for him at this point. So, Kim puts an add out there and got a bite pretty quick. An old high school friend was also looking for a roommate, and would she like to rent a place together? THE FRIEND IS A GUY. John has a big issue with this and said absolutely not, but Kim has to relocate as soon as possible and there were no other hits for a roommate. She doesn't understand why, since she asked him first and he said "no", why he has a problem with her living with a platonic guy friend.
John's Side:
John loves Kim and he can see a future with her. He sees things getting more serious, but in a more natural way. He wanted them to finish school, secure good jobs, move forward with their careers for a couple of years and then plan to marry. That was the original plan. He also thinks that, with them being just 24 and not even out of school, that moving in could cause issues due to money and other issues. He doesn't think it's a good idea, he wants things to be planned, not rushed in to.
He also has a big problem with her roomie being a guy. He thought she'd find a girl to room with and this is causing a problem with them. He thinks with them living together (Kim and friend), that it is inevitable that they will sometimes run into each other in the hall or walk in on each other in the bathroom or whatever, all of it makes him feel very bad and he will not be OK with that at all.
So, about 5 people called in, saying that "oh hell no, if he said she couldn't move in with him, then she has every right to move wherever she wants and he should not have a problem with it. He's being jealous and insecure." That is what all but one said. So the girl wins, the argument is over and she will move in with the guy.
My thoughts:
John is a level headed young man with goals set for his future, hoping she will be in it. This is not a jealousy issue, it is not an insecurity problem. This is a RESPECT issue. Would she like it if he got a cute little roommate? Hell no, that would not work for me and my fiance'. I'm completely on the guy's side. i think she's being manipulative to a certain degree because he told her she shouldn't move in with him at his place, so she'll show him. I think she may have just cut her own throat. Or as my brother would say "**** in her own mess kit".
John sounds like a great guy with a good head on his shoulders. Hard to find these days. He will eventually end their relationship and I don't blame him. I would never disrespect my fiance' like that and expect him to "deal with it."
Those are my thoughts, what are yours?
John is full of shhhugar. He has been stringing that poor girl along for 3 yeas? omg. I'm hoping she moves in with that other guy and leaves John.
I think he is 100% wrong, but not because of the roommate situation, but because after 3 years he is "not ready" to move in with her. They are still pretty young to start a family, but I think it's pretty normal to know if you want to be with that person or not after 3 years, and it's normal to move in together at that age, especially given the circumstances. It is actually financially beneficial at that age too. Noone says that they have to get a mortgage and have children. Obviously, it's normal to wait for that until you have your careers established, but there is nothing wrong with living together splitting rent, or maybe she could contribute to the grocery bills or something. It helps a lot, and its also a little test run before you actually get married. Normally people do that, and he clearly doesn't want to have her around all the time, yet he wants to make sure she is available for him and not having any other guys around. She should get out of this relationship
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