Why do so many people dismiss the struggles of unattractive women? (therapy, men)
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A lot of people out there think a woman has an easier time finding a romantic partner regardless of looks and the answer is no. There is a lot of gas lighting of women who find ourselves unattractive too, we are told we don't look as bad as we think. The reality is that life is not fair and some women get a ridiculously bad hand when it comes to appearance.
(venting here)
I've long accepted my looks (even though it was hard) but by the age of 14 I knew I was going to never find a romantic partner. By that age I was 210 pounds and covered in cystic acne, my facial features were awful with a large nose, long face, no chin and an enormous forehead. I had a very difficult hair type too- very coarse and could not really be tamed. At that age people were already starting to couple up in eighth grade so the pain of romantic rejection had just started for me.
The older I got the worse my looks became, my acne got worse, I couldn't lose weight, I grew facial hair and some how manged to get even uglier facially. My acne persisted until age 30 and I was left with bad scars on the my face and body. I developed a parotid gland tumor in my face and the removal of it left me with minor facial paralysis at 24. Even in my adult years people still tried to mock me for my appearance - especially strangers.
I've lost weight but will never be thin. My body has never been '''nice'' - it's just bad all around, weight loss or no weight loss and of course I'm still ugly. Bad teeth too despite years of dental intervention. Hair is still horrible - I've always had that hair type that can break brushes in half. At 33 I've never been on a date, never been kissed never any romantic opportunities. But as I said, I have reached a point of acceptance of that. I do wish society had more acceptance, belief and empathy for unattractive women. We do exist and sometimes no amount of ''glow ups'' will help us our genetics are such a way that improvement is hopeless. We're not all victims of self hatred and low self esteem either. Some of just want to have our story heard. Is it so hard to believe?
Last edited by Marigodqew; 03-16-2023 at 08:08 AM..
A lot of people out there think a woman has an easier time finding a romantic partner regardless of looks and the answer is no. There is a lot of gas lighting of women who find ourselves unattractive too, we are told we don't look as bad as we think. The reality is that life is not fair and some women get a ridiculously bad hand when it comes to appearance.
(venting here)
I've long accepted my looks (even though it was hard) but by the age of 14 I knew I was going to never find a romantic partner. By that age I was 210 pounds and covered in cystic acne, my facial features were awful with a large nose, long face, no chin and an enormous forehead. I had a very difficult hair type too- very coarse and could not really be tamed. At that age people were already starting to couple up in eighth grade so the pain of romantic rejection had just started for me.
The older I got the worse my looks became, my acne got worse, I couldn't lose weight, I grew facial hair and some how manged to get even uglier facially. My acne persisted until age 30 and I was left with bad scars on the my face and body. I developed a parotid gland tumor in my face and the removal of it left me with minor facial paralysis at 24. Even in my adult years people still tried to mock me for my appearance - especially strangers.
I've lost weight but will never be thin. My body has never been '''nice'' - it's just bad all around, weight loss or no weight loss and of course I'm still ugly. Bad teeth too despite years of dental intervention. Hair is still horrible - I've always had that hair type that can break brushes in half. At 33 I've never been on a date, never been kissed never any romantic opportunities. But as I said, I have reached a point of acceptance of that. I do wish society had more acceptance, belief and empathy for unattractive women. We do exist and sometimes no amount of ''glow ups'' will help us our genetics are such a way that improvement is hopeless. We're not all victims of self hatred and low self esteem either. Some of just ant to have our story heard. Is it so hard to believe?
I think a lot of people want to be better about the general topic of people's appearance. It's a touchy subject because none of us really wants to fully confront it and all it's implications. I believe that our appearance has a major impact on many aspects of our lives. It seems, well, wrong somehow. It's a social ill most thoughtful people can agree exists, but few agree on how to address it or whether to address it at all. I don't think we want to admit how much of a challenge or advantage our looks provide. To admit that, and to really think about the way it plays out in people's everyday lives leads to seeing it as something like a problem, and a problem we all contribute to. Myself included.
If anything, in this era of ubiquitous social media our appearance matters more than ever. My hope is that while things may be getting a little worse the past 15 years or so, maybe "worse" will force us to confront the issue. Maybe we'll get to the point where we exalt pretty people less (they'll survive) or at least **** on less attractive people less. The latter seems the least we could strive for.
Regarding what's bolded above, I hear you, if that helps at all.
A lot of people out there think a woman has an easier time finding a romantic partner regardless of looks and the answer is no. There is a lot of gas lighting of women who find ourselves unattractive too, we are told we don't look as bad as we think. The reality is that life is not fair and some women get a ridiculously bad hand when it comes to appearance.
(venting here)
I've long accepted my looks (even though it was hard) but by the age of 14 I knew I was going to never find a romantic partner. By that age I was 210 pounds and covered in cystic acne, my facial features were awful with a large nose, long face, no chin and an enormous forehead. I had a very difficult hair type too- very coarse and could not really be tamed. At that age people were already starting to couple up in eighth grade so the pain of romantic rejection had just started for me.
The older I got the worse my looks became, my acne got worse, I couldn't lose weight, I grew facial hair and some how manged to get even uglier facially. My acne persisted until age 30 and I was left with bad scars on the my face and body. I developed a parotid gland tumor in my face and the removal of it left me with minor facial paralysis at 24. Even in my adult years people still tried to mock me for my appearance - especially strangers.
I've lost weight but will never be thin. My body has never been '''nice'' - it's just bad all around, weight loss or no weight loss and of course I'm still ugly. Bad teeth too despite years of dental intervention. Hair is still horrible - I've always had that hair type that can break brushes in half. At 33 I've never been on a date, never been kissed never any romantic opportunities. But as I said, I have reached a point of acceptance of that. I do wish society had more acceptance, belief and empathy for unattractive women. We do exist and sometimes no amount of ''glow ups'' will help us our genetics are such a way that improvement is hopeless. We're not all victims of self hatred and low self esteem either. Some of just want to have our story heard. Is it so hard to believe?
Nothing is EVER as good (or as bad) as it seems. I think the object of the game is to be happy in your own skin. This can be accomplished, no matter what you think you look like to other people. It is very true that people can't help who they are attracted to, thus the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Very true. I can look back on my dating history and see where I was so attracted to this one guy and he was not a handsome man. It was all the other things I guess but I was definitely attracted to him. We can't help that. Different men are attracted to different women. I have seen really good looking guys with women that were rather plain, etc. but to them they aren't.
I think you are incorrect in assuming that you, yourself are not suffering from low self esteem and I hate to burst your bubble, but you are. You are the epitome of low self esteem. Nobody can say the things you said about yourself without having low self esteem.
Good looks may have their advantages in what you perceive to be "normal", but people with good looks also have negative issues and troubles in their lives, not much different than yours. It's all relative to how you live your life. You only get one, and it is temporary and precious, so you should find a way to be happy within your own skin. There are so many means available today with modern technology. There is therapy, online websites, self help groups, meetings, etc. I would be willing to bet that you have a very good sense of humor and are a lot of fun. That is what everyone wants to be, so looks are just a fragment of what a person "looks" like to other people.
Who wants a gorgeous, drop dead girlfriend that is stuck on herself, manipulative, and boring. Most often these women are far from anything you really want to be and I don't think we, as society should "feel sorry" for anyone that really doesn't "need" the empathy when others do. I can't rank you in the same boat as people that have sick children, people that lost a child, people suffering from horrible illnesses and cancer, etc. So you aren't knock down gorgeous, so what? A lot of people aren't (at least on the surface) but are on the inside and that, my dear, is what counts.
If you have a problem with your looks and looking for sympathy, not happening here. I say do something about it as best you can and seek therapy because you are the one feeling sorry for yourself for no good reason. Thanks for the invitation, but it's my Friday today and I'm not spending it at a pity party.
I think that the reason I find it hard...not to believe, but perhaps to fully accept... Is that some of the most unfortunate looking people that I have ever met in my life, to include those with very serious medical disabilities and deformities, have still found someone and coupled up and had kids.
I believe your lived experience, as you describe it. My heart goes out to you and I salute you for seeking other paths to happiness for yourself. Think of all of the "normal people" who vanished into history with nothing to their name BUT a set of vital stats in a family tree...no one will ever remember who they truly were, or what they thought about anything, just "wife to X, mother to Y" and to me, that always seemed like a kind of invisibility, too. It's why I've always been drawn to creative work in terms of personal "legacy projects." If you make art or music or writing or anything, it can be a lasting expression that says a lot more about you, than one's descendants generally do within just a few generations.
But the part that makes me go "but wait a minute" is the others that I have known... In my mind, a cousin, a woman I used to know who worked in childcare when my kids were little (she had a teenage daughter!) a few people who had Down's Syndrome, and this one man I met at a convention... I really don't know what his condition was, but if you look at Google images for progeria, he looked very much like that. Probably not that because he was a full adult and progeria normally kills people when they are children, but he looked like this condition makes people look.
But it did not render him unintelligent, he had a friend there with him at this convention who was telling people that he was there to give a talk because he was a physicist. Was that true? Maybe. He was smiling and friendly though and lots of women were talking to him. I talked to him. It was not outside of the realm of possibility, in my thinking, that he might find someone to date.
I think that a problem that people run into, is that their experiences set them up for despair and despair is what's truly unattractive to most people. Cynicism and despair are powerful tools to keep people at a distance, but it's understandable to cultivate defenses when other people have caused you pain. Unfortunately, finding partnership does require taking risks and being vulnerable to rejection. It is however, a valid and understandable alternative path, to find happiness without the partnership and close the door on the pain. I don't blame anyone who chooses that way.
Nothing is EVER as good (or as bad) as it seems. I think the object of the game is to be happy in your own skin. This can be accomplished, no matter what you think you look like to other people. It is very true that people can't help who they are attracted to, thus the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Very true. I can look back on my dating history and see where I was so attracted to this one guy and he was not a handsome man. It was all the other things I guess but I was definitely attracted to him. We can't help that. Different men are attracted to different women. I have seen really good looking guys with women that were rather plain, etc. but to them they aren't.
I think you are incorrect in assuming that you, yourself are not suffering from low self esteem and I hate to burst your bubble, but you are. You are the epitome of low self esteem. Nobody can say the things you said about yourself without having low self esteem.
Good looks may have their advantages in what you perceive to be "normal", but people with good looks also have negative issues and troubles in their lives, not much different than yours. It's all relative to how you live your life. You only get one, and it is temporary and precious, so you should find a way to be happy within your own skin. There are so many means available today with modern technology. There is therapy, online websites, self help groups, meetings, etc. I would be willing to bet that you have a very good sense of humor and are a lot of fun. That is what everyone wants to be, so looks are just a fragment of what a person "looks" like to other people.
Who wants a gorgeous, drop dead girlfriend that is stuck on herself, manipulative, and boring. Most often these women are far from anything you really want to be and I don't think we, as society should "feel sorry" for anyone that really doesn't "need" the empathy when others do. I can't rank you in the same boat as people that have sick children, people that lost a child, people suffering from horrible illnesses and cancer, etc. So you aren't knock down gorgeous, so what? A lot of people aren't (at least on the surface) but are on the inside and that, my dear, is what counts.
If you have a problem with your looks and looking for sympathy, not happening here. I say do something about it as best you can and seek therapy because you are the one feeling sorry for yourself for no good reason. Thanks for the invitation, but it's my Friday today and I'm not spending it at a pity party.
There is some truth to your comment. There's some benefit to believing things that may or may not be true but believing them shapes our world view toward a safer, kinder existence. So sure, we have one life to live and we're wise to carry only those burdens we must. I'm not certain the OP is adding to her burden so much as looking for a way to lessen it a bit, though. What you see as self pity, I choose to see as a request for sympathy. That's a choice I made, just like you chose to see it differently, more darkly. She asked for sympathy, and it seems that you took time out of your precious Friday to say "NO", not gonna help you there.
Your comment illustrates the point I made. The OP opened a door slightly and asked to be heard on a sensitive topic and you shut that door without hearing a word she said.
There is some truth to your comment. There's some benefit to believing things that may or may not be true but believing them shapes our world view toward a safer, kinder existence. So sure, we have one life to live and we're wise to carry only those burdens we must. I'm not certain the OP is adding to her burden so much as looking for a way to lessen it a bit, though. What you see as self pity, I choose to see as a request for sympathy. That's a choice I made, just like you chose to see it differently, more darkly. She asked for sympathy, and it seems that you took time out of your precious Friday to say "NO", not gonna help you there.
Your comment illustrates the point I made. The OP opened a door slightly and asked to be heard on a sensitive topic and you shut that door without hearing a word she said.
I asked for empathy, not sympathy (those are different things). What I am tired of is the ''disbelief'' about the experiences ugly women. A lot of people don't even want to admit ugly women exist at all. The gas lighting thing is the belief that it all must stem from low self esteem as opposed to physicality.
The reality is ugly women do exist and so do ugly men. But folks have never heard our side - they hear about the male incels but never us. Few ugly women choose bitterness overall. Some do but not as many as the men as ugly males arguably use the incel communities as a coping mechanism over their looks.
A broader conversation needs to be had about looks in general. Society definitely over values it.
There is some truth to your comment. There's some benefit to believing things that may or may not be true but believing them shapes our world view toward a safer, kinder existence. So sure, we have one life to live and we're wise to carry only those burdens we must. I'm not certain the OP is adding to her burden so much as looking for a way to lessen it a bit, though. What you see as self pity, I choose to see as a request for sympathy. That's a choice I made, just like you chose to see it differently, more darkly. She asked for sympathy, and it seems that you took time out of your precious Friday to say "NO", not gonna help you there.
Your comment illustrates the point I made. The OP opened a door slightly and asked to be heard on a sensitive topic and you shut that door without hearing a word she said.
Also, I do not assume that a person has low self esteem just because they state that they are not blessed in one aspect and it causes them hardship. A person might actually have a surprisingly (to some) positive view of themselves that is simply based on OTHER things besides, in this case, appearance.
And I don't see any problem in being "real" about your disadvantages or being proud of your strengths, nor in asking for sympathy in a situation that you've found to be painful or hard to cope with. Don't we all have hardships and struggles of some kind?
There was actually a point in my life (and yeah, I know, cry me a river right) where I wished that I was LESS attractive. Not that I'm some stunner or anything, but I had a husband who was trying really hard to convince me that no man could possibly care about my personality or ideas or anything of WHO I am, because any (presumably straight) man is only possibly looking at me and thinking sex thoughts. I am at best inconvenient life support for a set of interesting body parts, to half of my species. That was never a happy or comfortable thing to be expected to believe. Thankfully...it's not true. Making the solid decision that men in general didn't elect him to speak for them, so he can only speak for himself, was in a way pretty liberating. I won't lie, before that, I had fantasies of disfiguring my face.
And maybe it was also a matter of letting go some part of myself that was trying to love this man, because clearly his thinking of me, even though he "loved" me...it felt hurtful and dehumanizing. There have been times I thought, "So a woman could be the pinnacle of genius, she could solve world hunger or cure cancer, and dudes be like never mind that, what about her boobs?" Eff that. That's not a way that a thinking being would wish to be seen. Wild how some dudes actually think we should be flattered.
But that kinda circles back to my point, though...my self esteem has never really been based on my looks. I was an ugly child, I got lucky (I guess) enough to become alright looking, on the better side of average I guess, from my teens through now in my 40s. But I know that aging will take me to another stage some day, and I'm damn sure not going to pursue artificial means to try and look fake-young. I want to love myself, even if old age renders me "ugly" because I love who I am. I just hope that I don't suffer dementia because that would be the real horror for me.
I am sorry. And I am sorry about your experiences.
My recommendation is to make the best out of what you can control. They weight issue is on you entirely, you cannot blame the world for it - I doubt that you were incapable of having a good figure if you would have put in the work like the rest of us. Most people have to put in a lot of work to be in shape. Apparently it is not impossible, since you said you now lost weight ...
Hair - my sister has crazy hair and looked like a homeless person. She gets them straightened now, looks much better. Worst case - chop it off and wear a nice wig.
A lot of people spend a lot of money for plastic surgery, dermatologists, dentists, ... if you struggle that much with your appearance, go for a consultation and see what they can do. At least the nose and chin should be fixable. That will make a huge difference.
Find a good therapist.
Be a nice person. Funniness, kindness, and niceness goes a long way. More than being pretty. Surround yourself with good people. The most accepting, kind people are usually the ones who rescue animals/work in shelters, etc.
An ugly man or average looking man who cannot get a woman is loathed and scorned, an ugly woman who cannot get a man is ignored. Still bad, but it's better to be overlooked than it is to be hated.
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