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With all the negative comments about your parents, it sounds like your issue is your relationship with your parents. You didn't feel right about it as a kid. You say you are their biological child.
As the proud parent of two adopted children, you don't need genetics to have a family. And genetics don't mean you do have a functional family. There are lots of examples out there.
Pursue the birth grandparents issue if you wish. But you aren't likely to find yourself in genealogy. It sounds like all the other things you are doing is the way to find yourself.
As an adoptive parent, and knowing many others, I agree with the member that I have quoted.
Gee, as a child, I often wondered if I were related to my parents and some of the relatives, but I was. I think many kids feel like they don't "fit". I think there are other problems that aren't related to adoption. I have taken a long look at "nurture vs nature" as one of my sons was only around his father for 4 years and the child we adopted was 4 weeks old when we adopted him. "Nature" is there, and it cannot be muted by "nuture", something like preferences in foods, pets, sports, so many things I have seen. I don't religion is one of those things that comes through "nature" though. Rebellion, in general, can come partially from "nature" though. I don't think ethnicity is something "felt" either.
I feel more like the issue of adoption is being used more to justify anger and not fitting in then anything else involved.
I, of course, don't like to see adoption condemned, as in most cases, abortion is the alternative if the person doesn't want to parent. Seriously, with some of the kids removed from their homes, it is unbelievable what the circumstances and living conditions were.
My cousin and great-grandparents also adopted children. They were no less a family.
I am. I don't like the Catholic Church and wish I never made those sacraments. Half are Atheists and yet they still have photos on display.
Although, I had Muslim friends who were educated at Catholic schools and I know some Jewish people who were too. The education was good.
I just feel fake. I don't believe and to me, those sacraments mean something and when I go through the process of new path, some may not accept me anyway. I just want to be accepted by others. I want to be welcomed and I'm afraid if people knew about me fully, I wouldn't be.
I find it ironic that you want to be accepted by others, but fully rejecting people who actually love you.
Do you represent yourself as Jewish in the groups you belong in? As opposed to representing yourself as someone in the process of converting to Judaism? What are you actually afraid of? That they'll find out you were born into a Catholic family? Are you afraid people will think your a poser?
I know I'm asking a million questions...but you're a little all over the place for me, and I'm a little shocked at your responses, and I'm trying for better understanding.
I find it ironic that you want to be accepted by others, but fully rejecting people who actually love you.
Do you represent yourself as Jewish in the groups you belong in? As opposed to representing yourself as someone in the process of converting to Judaism? What are you actually afraid of? That they'll find out you were born into a Catholic family? Are you afraid people will think your a poser?
I know I'm asking a million questions...but you're a little all over the place for me, and I'm a little shocked at your responses, and I'm trying for better understanding.
Yeah, I have told them I'm in the process and I was raised Catholic. I did my DNA, but that wasn't why I was doing it. I fell in love with the faith. Most have said, "none of this matters to us, you are welcomed." Most have welcomed me. Its just that one person. I never claimed because that's wrong until I actually do it. I blather too much about my family. I'm afraid they'll change their minds.
Mom is an atheist and doesn't support any faith. She wishes I wouldn't, but it's not the worst. My dad used to go to Synagogues for work and he was welcomed too.
My groups in Philly welcome me, but what if I move elsewhere? Not all my family knows and the ones who don't know wouldn't accept me. Maybe gratitude for the ones who do?
No! I believe it's no one's business as to what someone chooses.
Last edited by jessxwrites89; 01-05-2021 at 03:00 PM..
You know...through the wonder of Facebook, I've gotten to know a WHOLE LOT of cousins on a better level, than I would've gotten to know otherwise. They are family, but we're all over the page in regards to just about everything in life. LOL
Or in other words, there are things I like a lot about some, and things I don't care for, in other areas of their lives.
For example, I have a cousin who's very "COVID mask wearers are sheeple." Had proclaimed to everyone at one point, that he and his wife were going to quit Facebook and join Parler, and his wife had actually told her oldest daughter that she was immoral for voting for Biden. (Wife is a bit of a hot head, and I don't think she really meant that, but hopefully you get my gist.) All that said, they're funny, and have kind hearts (believe it or not) and would absolutely do anything in their power to help anyone.
I have another cousin who thinks he's gangsta, and is walking a fine line that will probably land him in prison some day.
Other cousins who are agnostic, and other cousins who are not. Many cousins are in various branches of the Armed Services. Some are artists. Some in the restaurant business. One that I know of is in a heavy metal band, with glorious long red hair. Some are kind of dumb, and others are brilliant and college professors.
In other words, they come from all walks of life. Don't worry about the family who won't understand, AND remember that most people have their good sides, even if you can't see eye to eye with them on everything.
Yeah, I have told them I'm in the process and I was raised Catholic. I did my DNA, but that wasn't why I was doing it. I fell in love with the faith. Most have said, "none of this matters to us, you are welcomed." Most have welcomed me. Its just that one person. I never claimed because that's wrong until I actually do it. I blather too much about my family. I'm afraid they'll change their minds.
Mom is an atheist and doesn't support any faith. She wishes I wouldn't, but it's not the worst. My dad used to go to Synagogues for work and he was welcomed too.
My groups in Philly welcome me, but what if I move elsewhere? Not all my family knows and the ones who don't know wouldn't accept me. Maybe gratitude for the ones who do?
No! I believe it's no one's business as to what someone chooses.
It seems to me that you're blaming your parents for insecurities you're feeling about your path to conversion. Your parents raised you in the faith tradition that they knew and your choice(s) are totally independent from theirs. I've been down the same road, having converted myself, and I believe that you need to be confident on your own and not worry about anyone else's opinion before you fully commit to your decision to convert. That includes both your parents and members of other communities.
One step you can take is cancel your babtism. I found this info on Google
YES! Your Catholic baptism can be cancelled. It is called a formal act of defection.
I was raised in the RCC and I requested a formal act of defection when I was 18. This essentially nullifies my baptism. I had to write a letter to the Bishop of the dioceses I was baptized in, and then meet with a couple nuns to show them they couldn’t save me.
As far as my research, and the nuns and Bishop told me, the baptism can’t be “cancelled” because it was a historical event, but I am no longer a baptized member of the church, I am not counted in their numbers, and I am not free of original sin anymore.
My baptismal and confirmation/communion certificates were destroyed. Some people say that this process doesn’t exist officially in the church, but I went thru it and met with several religious officials along the way. It IS possible.
If you’d like more information on the process of the formal act of defection… visit: http://www.atheistactivist.org/Defect.html http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=11268 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formal_act_of_defection_from_the_Catholic_Church
You know...through the wonder of Facebook, I've gotten to know a WHOLE LOT of cousins on a better level, than I would've gotten to know otherwise. They are family, but we're all over the page in regards to just about everything in life. LOL
Or in other words, there are things I like a lot about some, and things I don't care for, in other areas of their lives.
For example, I have a cousin who's very "COVID mask wearers are sheeple." Had proclaimed to everyone at one point, that he and his wife were going to quit Facebook and join Parler, and his wife had actually told her oldest daughter that she was immoral for voting for Biden. (Wife is a bit of a hot head, and I don't think she really meant that, but hopefully you get my gist.) All that said, they're funny, and have kind hearts (believe it or not) and would absolutely do anything in their power to help anyone.
I have another cousin who thinks he's gangsta, and is walking a fine line that will probably land him in prison some day.
Other cousins who are agnostic, and other cousins who are not. Many cousins are in various branches of the Armed Services. Some are artists. Some in the restaurant business. One that I know of is in a heavy metal band, with glorious long red hair. Some are kind of dumb, and others are brilliant and college professors.
In other words, they come from all walks of life. Don't worry about the family who won't understand, AND remember that most people have their good sides, even if you can't see eye to eye with them on everything.
My dad wasn't the only one who was adopted - mom's mother was adopted too. She died when she was 57, she had throat cancer. She was a depressed alcoholic and since she was 7 when I died, I couldn't ask her, "were you always depressed or were you depressed because you married a narcissistic alcoholic man or both?" I suffer from depression, but depression meds made me manic and I was misdiagnosed as bipolar.
Mom and her sisters have hypothyroidism. I have it too. Mom has the autoimmune hashimoto's and it's possible Mom-mom had thyroid cancer that spread. Mom said Mom-mom rarely went to the doctors and if she did, she wasn't sharing. I guess not talking about your health history was a thing in the past.
I loved Nan. Mom is a narcissistic alcoholic and it gets brutal here at times. I was bullied for 7 years in school and mom continued the bullying at home. I was called a fat ugly psycho gal, mom continued it at home and said, "you really are ugly. No wonder no one likes you. I wouldn't like you either." I'm also big chested and boys would grope me.
Family made jokes when I was a teen, "wow, you're so big! I wonder who you inherited that from!" I had no idea about the adoptions, so it made me feel insecure. I'm still large and they're a source of shame. I've since gained weight and they've gained weight too. However, as I look at my 23&Me and see my heritage I didn't know I had, it makes sense.
Anyway, I was very close to Nan. I was always at her house and she helped me through those tough times. I actually considered her more to be my mother than my actual mother. I wish she was still alive.
I guess I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Nan housed a foreign exchange student from Slovakia when I was growing up and he lived with her from the time I was 2 until I was 8. Then he moved to NYC then LA, but would visit until I was 12. I considered him like a brother, even though he was 16 years older than I was.
When I was 8, I befriended a girl who was adopted from Russia. She was adopted by an older couple who had lost a son many years ago and they wanted to fill their lives again. My nickname in school and my nickname even today is "The Welcome Committee" because I will sit with and welcome new people. She had no friends, so I became her friend. Nan would invite her over for dinner and since the exchange student was from Slovakia, he could speak at least 5 different languages. My friend and the exchange student conversed in Russian the whole time and it made her so happy.
Nan practically raised me and she always taught me, "We all have differences, but we are all mostly the same. We all have the same needs and everyone wants to feel welcomed." Then taught empathy, "how would you like it if that was done to you?" So, I was just kind to everyone growing up and had friends from every walk of life and they would invite me to their celebrations and their homes. It made me feel so good and I asked my parents if we could celebrate those holidays too, and they agreed.
I guess I'm still that way as an adult. I'm not ashamed of the Catholic part per se, that was so long ago and I can nullify the baptism (I'm not sure if I'm on the record, I never get mail or called like others I know), but I'm a bit ashamed of my spiritual journey. I went from Catholic to Pagan at 12, then Pagan to agnostic from 12-20, then I converted to Islam when I was 20, decided 6 months later that it wasn't for me, so I was spiritual/unaffiliated from 21-26. About two years after the rape, I decided to give Islam another go and I was a Muslim for 3 years until I said, "my reservations were right the first time."
Then I found my groups after donating to one of the groups and I found a home. I expressed interest at first and said, "I want to take my time" and they were delighted. I still say that, I'm going to do it, but at my own pace. I haven't shared my full self with any of these groups because if I shared my spiritual journey, they might think I'm flighty.
I'm trying to find my place in this crazy world. Where do I belong? Like I said, I have chronic health issues too and for a time being they thought I had autoimmune liver disease which could kill me. It wasn't PBC and they found Celiac through my liver. 23&Me didn't flag me for Celiac, but my gastro did all sorts of tests and found it.
Growing up, I belonged to all sorts of groups and didn't have one group of friends. I had small groups of different types of friends and experiences. In college, I was told that was the wrong way of doing things and you're a loser if you do that. How could I find jobs? So, I thought I was bad and I was wrong and I tried stopping all of that. It's made me more miserable than anything else.
And the dad issue: I just wish he would get another job and stop knit-picking on my gluten-free foods! I get not everyone likes the taste, but don't make a big fuss about it. I can't have gluten, I have to eat this way. I can't have dairy either. I was halal first, now Kosher. I've been doing it for close to 6 years. Never an issue until he retired.
Sometimes I feel so weird: Nan wasn't biological, but she loved me unconditionally. My biological grandparents: one died when I was 7, then the other was a narcissist and love was conditional. It's just weird.
Bunga, my mom was raised as an Atheist and is still a militant Atheist. I probably made the sacraments because some people have the belief, "if you don't make them, you don't look good in the eyes of God." Who knows. While there are photos, there wasn't much fanfare around it. I know when I said I didn't believe in this, mom was relieved. Deep down, I think she wishes I was an Atheist too.
Last edited by jessxwrites89; 01-06-2021 at 05:39 AM..
I've started yelling at dad, "don't you dare touch anything! You drop and break things, you clumsy old man! Retirement is making you senile! Get a job and stop touching things! Sit down and get a job!".
All I can say is if an adult child of mine living in my home said something like this to me, they’d be looking for a new place to live. Yesterday.
All I can say is if an adult child of mine living in my home said something like this to me, they’d be looking for a new place to live. Yesterday.
I want to live somewhere else, but I was shamed out of it by the narcissist. Now I'm broke from healthcare and can't afford anywhere else.
I just wish my relatives shared the stories instead of keeping them secret. It would have helped, especially when it comes to chronic health conditions.
Last edited by jessxwrites89; 01-06-2021 at 06:56 AM..
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