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Then again, my Mom-Mom never talked about her health and maybe it wouldn't have mattered anyway. It seems like a lot of things were kept secret back in the 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, maybe even the 70s. It seems like people are more opened with their loved ones than they once were.
You are so mad at everyone you sound unhinged. You do realize that all your wishing they would have told you this or that, or done this or that, is nothing that can be changed. Being angry at everyone seems useless and it is hurting you and your parents. Is that your goal? To hurt your parents?
This all at odds with your new found faith. Forgiveness might be an avenue for you to explore. If you are at all interested about Judaism then you must learn to “Honor Your Parents” for a start into Judaism. This is the command that gives you a promise: to live a long and happy life. If you can’t do this or don’t want to then it’s not anything to do with your new faith. It’s bitterness. Honoring your parents whether they deserve it or not is a command. I do wish you well finding peace.
Do some research on the traditions of honoring parents in Judaism. Here is a start:
Because honouring parents is part of honouring God, the mitzvah does not depend on the worthiness of the parent: "Even if his father is wicked and a sinner, he must fear and revere him ... A convert to Judaism must not curse or despise his non-Jewish father." (Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:13,25) is
It also requires honour to one's stepparents[16][17] or an older sibling who is raising one,[18] and one's teachers,[19] though one has a greater obligation to honor a parent than a grandparent.[20]
The commandment is repeated eight times throughout the bible.
16-18. Plaut, W. Gunther and Stein, David E. The Torah: A Modern Commentary (p. 504) 2005 (revised). Union for Reformed Judaism
19. Rossel, Seymour. The Torah: Portion by Portion (p. 298) 2007. Torah Aura Productions. ISBN 1-891662-94-5
20. Isaacs, Ronald H. The Jewish Book of Etiquette (p. 133) 1998. Jason Aronson. ISBN 0-7657-5995-0
You are so mad at everyone you sound unhinged. You do realize that all your wishing they would have told you this or that, or done this or that, is nothing that can be changed. Being angry at everyone seems useless and it is hurting you and your parents. Is that your goal? To hurt your parents?
This all at odds with your new found faith. Forgiveness might be an avenue for you to explore. If you are at all interested about Judaism then you must learn to “Honor Your Parents” for a start into Judaism. This is the command that gives you a promise: to live a long and happy life. If you can’t do this or don’t want to then it’s not anything to do with your new faith. It’s bitterness. Honoring your parents whether they deserve it or not is a command. I do wish you well finding peace.
Do some research on the traditions of honoring parents in Judaism. Here is a start:
Because honouring parents is part of honouring God, the mitzvah does not depend on the worthiness of the parent: "Even if his father is wicked and a sinner, he must fear and revere him ... A convert to Judaism must not curse or despise his non-Jewish father." (Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:13,25) is
It also requires honour to one's stepparents[16][17] or an older sibling who is raising one,[18] and one's teachers,[19] though one has a greater obligation to honor a parent than a grandparent.[20]
The commandment is repeated eight times throughout the bible.
16-18. Plaut, W. Gunther and Stein, David E. The Torah: A Modern Commentary (p. 504) 2005 (revised). Union for Reformed Judaism
19. Rossel, Seymour. The Torah: Portion by Portion (p. 298) 2007. Torah Aura Productions. ISBN 1-891662-94-5
20. Isaacs, Ronald H. The Jewish Book of Etiquette (p. 133) 1998. Jason Aronson. ISBN 0-7657-5995-0
I have narcissistic relatives and once I can, I want to go no contact. It's healthier to do that.
I have narcissistic relatives and once I can, I want to go no contact. It's healthier to do that.
With all your relatives? That seems a bit extreme. I don’t see that your dad has been an issue. I really don’t think that cutting people off is the answer. It seems like therapy and perhaps gaining more confidence in a way that doesn’t rely on having people validate you all the time would be beneficial.
With all your relatives? That seems a bit extreme. I don’t see that your dad has been an issue. I really don’t think that cutting people off is the answer. It seems like therapy and perhaps gaining more confidence in a way that doesn’t rely on having people validate you all the time would be beneficial.
No, he isn't. The holidays were stressful for both mom and I. Dad simply said, "that's not the Italian I'm used to seeing." I got offended. Not because of him, while it does grate on me when he says he's Italian, but mom complains about my food all the time and says I'm missing out on good experiences. No, no, I'm not.
Therapy didn't work. I should say CBT didn't work. After I figure out how much I have left in flexible spending after I'm done what I need to do in 2021. I haven't had a gyn exam in 4 years, I have vaginismus and I can't have an exam unless I'm numbed or knocked out. I have to call around and see who can do that. I'm not sure how much that's going to cost. I also stopped having periods, I want all the tests done to see why. They ruled out PCOS 4 years ago, but I want them to retest for that and I want them to check for early menopause. I have $1000 in flex spending, a $600 deductible. I really need to focus on that stuff first.
I was never like this until after Nan died. Nan loved my unconditionally and she was always there for me. She was affectionate and whenever I would stay with her, we would sleep together. I loved falling asleep next to her, it made me feel safe and secure. We would talk as well and I could talk to her about anything without feeling judged. Change my religion? No big deal, as long as I was happy. "We all believe in the same God, it's just a different path. Heck, we all believe in divine beings and we all have different paths. There is nothing wrong with you, my dear!" I miss this and I miss all that affection. I feel empty without it and I feel pathetic.
I've been trying to find it, but nothing can replace Nan. Dad hugs me, but it's not the same. Nan and I always did things together and I miss that. 25 January will be 8 years.
I've seen another post on the forum and someone said, "I would think adopting kids would be less pressure on everyone. If they mess up, it's not on us because they're not from the same genes." Or something like that. I felt awful because my genetic grandparents were just blah. Mom-mom, who was also adopted, died when I was 7, but my grandfather was definitely mom's father. They said I was a stupid idiot and always had to be right. Nan was always so proud of me and my accomplishments, and the narcissists just said she ruined my life. I disagree.
I'm a little late to this, but the title of the post intrigued me. After reading it all, this has nothing to do with adoption. Your issues are not with the fact that your father was adopted or that your mom's mom was adopted or that there were secrets. Those secrets were just how things were handled back then. Your issues come from your biological parents, and not necessarily biologically, but the emotional damage they have inflicted on you.
Stop focusing on the fact that your dad isn't actually Italian, he choses to have that as his identify, just as you are choosing to be Jewish.
I hope that you have made an effort to get some outside help.
I'm a little late to this, but the title of the post intrigued me. After reading it all, this has nothing to do with adoption. Your issues are not with the fact that your father was adopted or that your mom's mom was adopted or that there were secrets. Those secrets were just how things were handled back then. Your issues come from your biological parents, and not necessarily biologically, but the emotional damage they have inflicted on you.
Stop focusing on the fact that your dad isn't actually Italian, he choses to have that as his identify, just as you are choosing to be Jewish.
I hope that you have made an effort to get some outside help.
I'm seeing a therapist. Most of my Jewish groups have told me my background doesn't really matter, but deep down I feel that it does. Some have held it against me.
I never identified with how I was raised and I was told that I was crazy. It probably will take me getting out from this environment to start healing from that.
I still think closed adoption was cruel and so is lying.
I was born and raised in an Italian household and I feel like I was the luckiest kid in the world because of it. The warmth, love, enjoyment of the arts, singing, fantastic food, passionate conversations ... I could go on and on ... made me the envy of many of my friends whose families were not. Our house and all of my relative's homes were fun! The fact that your dad was brought up in an Italian environment might have given him a sense of belonging. That was his family and that is who he is. Personally I believe that has more to do with who we are than what's in our dna but I'm no expert on this subject.
I hope you find what you're looking for. You've been very open about many of your struggles and I think a lot of us have come to care about you.
I'm seeing a therapist. Most of my Jewish groups have told me my background doesn't really matter, but deep down I feel that it does. Some have held it against me.
I never identified with how I was raised and I was told that I was crazy. It probably will take me getting out from this environment to start healing from that.
I still think closed adoption was cruel and so is lying.
Keep in mind that times were different back then. Part of the reason for closed adoption was to protect it from being discovered that a woman had had a baby out of wedlock. The shame was great, and often a young pregnant woman was sent away to "visit relatives" or some such when she was really in a home for unwed mothers, where her child would be taken from her at birth and given to an adoptive family. Then she would return home, forever unable to tell anyone of her loss, and often marry someone who would never learn that his wife had once had a child.
In other cases, in the days when women stayed home once the pregnancy began to show, a young woman who had gotten pregnant would be kept inside on the pretense of some illness, and then her mother would confine herself to the house as well, and then when the time came, it would be told that the mother would have given birth to the real birth mother's "sister" or "brother".
Even close to this day and age, I knew someone in a similar situation. A woman I worked with about 25 years ago lost her mother, and when she read the obituary, she was not listed as her mother's daughter. She asked another sister why she was omitted, and her sister said, "Didn't you know that <oldest sister> is your real mother? She had you when she was 14, so Mom raised you as if you were her baby." She was in her thirties, and no one had ever told her.
What might seem cruel and wrong now was once seen as a solution to a societal problem. We can't judge what people did back then based on what we know and perceive to be the norm now.
You are too young probably to remember the author James Michener, but since you like to write, you should look him up and know who he was. He was famous for traveling the world and writing about the places where he landed, novels that included the history and even sometimes the geological formation of the place. He wrote an autobiography near the end of his life called The World Is My Home.
But James Michener never knew who his birth parents were. A widow by the name of Michener opened her front door in Doylestown, PA, one day to find a newborn baby in a basket. She adopted him and raised him, and he said that when he was 19 he realized that he would never know who his birth parents were and he was not going to worry about it anymore. He lived to be 90 years old, one of the most beloved and prolific authors of the 20th century.
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