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I'm the daughter of a man who was adopted at birth. I'm also the granddaughter of someone who was also adopted at birth (mom's mother). Dad's might have been a closed adoption because I had no idea that he was adopted until after my grandmother passed away.
I remember saying as a child, "I think I was adopted because I don't belong in this family." It caused a big stir and denial. I was right. Well, half right. I wasn't the adopted one, my dad and mom's mother were. But, I knew deep down as a child that this wasn't truly my family. I still feel that way. I loved my grandmother very much, but I am just very angry.
Why would someone lie about adoption? Why would someone say, "why would you feel that way?" and nervously laugh. Dad was born in 1955, mom's mother was born in 1939. Was it common back then?
I am infertile and can't have kids. I would never adopt a newborn, but I'm leaning towards not adopting at all. I think it could be cruel. Sure, maybe older kids will know, "I know that these are my adopted parents" where a baby doesn't know. I think it should be an honest process, but maybe honesty would create mental health issues.
I was feeling angry yesterday. We're not Italian and sometimes I just wish dad would admit it. He was raised by an Italian family, but we are not Italian. Dad also has no interest in finding his birth parents, and I'm interested, but don't want to hurt his feelings.
I will disclaimer this, I am not adopted and I have never adopted.
My husband is half adopted, he was adopted by his father when he was 2.
I have a few questions and statements.
Did you dad know he was adopted and not tell you or did noone know until grandma died? How do you know youre not italian, simply because your dad was adopted? Have you considered doing a DNA test, it can find relatives and it can tell you where your family was from.
You may not feel like you fit in but your parents are your parents and your grandparents on your mothers side are your grandparents. You may not feel like you belong in your father's family because he was adopted but your core family is still your family.
Its incredibly common to adopt children throughout the ages. Yes there orphanages back in the day but also a lot of adoptions from within the family. If your grandmother was adopted in 1939 its very possible she was the illegitimate child of a family member and her baby needed home. Why lie? To keep the secret.
Its usually that simple, because its a secret.
Now as for adoption in general, you adopt a child because you want a child and there is a child who needs a family. A baby needs a family. Youre hurt right now because you felt something was withheld from you, but the absolute truth is that adopting a child is far from cruel. In normal circumstances people adopt chidlren who are desperate to love a child and raise a family and they work incredibly hard to secure a placement. And a baby doesnt care if you gave birth to them, all they need is love and warmth and comfort (and food).
I personally feel like the best course of action no matter what age someone is adopted is honesty when its time to be honest. I know children who grow up from an early age knowing they have a mommy and a "tummy mommy". And that their "tummy mommy" gave them to their mom and dad because she loved them very much and wanted to give them a great life. Adopted children can and are well adjusted and may struggle a little with their identity but its not insurmountable,
Open adoption gets rid of a lot of those issues by ensuring that the child and the bio parents know who their child became and the child knows where they came from.
There is no one size fits all answer with adoption but it can be a great way to match a wonderful kid with a great family
Yes, I did my DNA 3 years ago and there was no Italian in me. I knew I was Irish from my biological family. Surprisingly, I was an Eastern European with Ashkenazi roots. I'm interested in Judaism and I'm going to start the process, not because of DNA, but because I'm interested. I hate celebrating Christmas because I don't believe in it, and that's why I feel ugh right now. I made a Kosher Italian soup and dad said, "well, Italians don't eat it that way!" You're not Italian! I will also eat the way I want to eat and I keep Kosher. I'm also Celiac, which came as a surprise.
Dad knew, but I'm not sure if mom's mother knew. Mom's mother died at the age of 57 from cancer. I was 7.5 at the time... it'll be 24 years next week. Mom knew of dad's adoption and when they were having fertility issues, she asked Nan to get his records to see what was going on. Mom had six miscarriages and they weren't sure if I was going to make it (I'm an only child, mom couldn't breast feed, we didn't bond. I think it was her thyroid issues). Nan refused to get dad's records and wanted her to let it go. I don't know what that was all about.
No one told me until after Nan died. I was reading up on adoption of the 1950s and a lot of it was out-of-wedlock stuff. Many times children were placed with families that would look similar. Heck, dad looked similar to Nan and that's why I didn't question it. His dad died five years before I was born. I even said, "I look like Nan!"
I feel ashamed about it all and I don't like playing in with the charade. I hate Italian food, I hate the culture, and I don't want to play along.
Eh, maybe that's too strong and maybe it just doesn't matter. My family accepts my spiritual journey and they just want me to find happiness. Most of my family is atheist. So, I don't know why I feel the way I do. Like I said, I'm totally infertile and to me I just accept it, but wouldn't want to add children that aren't mine to a family.
Last edited by jessxwrites89; 12-23-2020 at 08:51 AM..
Happy early Birthday. Part of growing up is following your own path and becoming who you want to be. If you feel Judaism in your heart, then pursue it for yourself, but your path of self discovery should not take the form of disparaging everything about your family.
Like I said my husband is adopted and he is mostly biologically italian but his adoptive dad is irish and cuban. He took a trip to Ireland when he was a teen to meet his irish family. It was an incredible trip for him and he helped him identify with the people who raised him. Family isnt just blood and I know you feel lost and resentful but your grandmother and your father have the right to keep these things to themselves even if you dont necessarily agree.
It seems like yall are butting heads over this but it might help a little if you stop trying to work around what you dont like and do something completely different. Instead of adapting italian soup to be Kosher, why not make a traditional Jewish soup. You dont have to fight against your upbringing to be yourself.
If you want to celebrate Chanukkah next year instead of Christmas, tell your parents you would like to get a menorah and a Torah and explain what each of the 8 nights means to the Jewish and what the festival of lights is about and why it feels important to you.
Dont try and change them, explain calmly and with patience what is important to you and why. Try and incorporate your new changes into their lives instead of trying to wedge it in where it doesnt fit.
Happy early Birthday. Part of growing up is following your own path and becoming who you want to be. If you feel Judaism in your heart, then pursue it for yourself, but your path of self discovery should not take the form of disparaging everything about your family.
Like I said my husband is adopted and he is mostly biologically italian but his adoptive dad is irish and cuban. He took a trip to Ireland when he was a teen to meet his irish family. It was an incredible trip for him and he helped him identify with the people who raised him. Family isnt just blood and I know you feel lost and resentful but your grandmother and your father have the right to keep these things to themselves even if you dont necessarily agree.
It seems like yall are butting heads over this but it might help a little if you stop trying to work around what you dont like and do something completely different. Instead of adapting italian soup to be Kosher, why not make a traditional Jewish soup. You dont have to fight against your upbringing to be yourself.
If you want to celebrate Chanukkah next year instead of Christmas, tell your parents you would like to get a menorah and a Torah and explain what each of the 8 nights means to the Jewish and what the festival of lights is about and why it feels important to you.
Dont try and change them, explain calmly and with patience what is important to you and why. Try and incorporate your new changes into their lives instead of trying to wedge it in where it doesnt fit.
I celebrated Chanukah this year, bought a Menorah and bought a Torah and my parents said, "one night, let's sit together and have a meal together for Chanukah." It turned out really beautifully. I made a brisket, I said the blessings, lit the Menorah, and they wished me a Happy Chanukah. For the next seven days, I did my own things and participated in a lot of Zoom events, especially with my Jewish groups.
In fact, because of quarantine, they've let me celebrate my Jewish holidays at home this year since I couldn't be with my groups. They joined me for dinner. They also let me have Passover dinner while they had Easter dinner. I love when the holidays overlap.
Dad is actually interested in Judaism. When he still worked as a deputy sheriff, he used to give talks at a local synagogue. The people there loved dad and while dad is Catholic (he most likely won't change... he only goes to Church on Christmas and Easter, but he doesn't feel the need to change), he's open minded about stuff. Every year I give him something Judaica related for Christmas and he enjoys it, then we do it together. Anyway, when he was still giving talks, he would take some of the leaflets and give them to me to read over. He's not opposed to my journey and thinks it could be a beautiful thing. He's the first one to read my Jewish newspaper as well.
I don't celebrate Christmas (I haven't for 5 years, I was Muslim for a bit), but since I still live here, I participate out of respect. I do like Escarole soup and when I was showing dad the recipe I was making, I told him, "Dad, I am kosher and this is what I am going to eat." I said that to mom too and last night she simply said, "well, I'm sure it'll be good even if it's different. The dish you just made for dinner tonight, it looks like you're expanding your palette because you would always opt out of red pepper. That's great!" Mom is an Atheist, so Christmas has never really been religious in this house. It's mostly a day for family. I'll have my Kosher and gluten-free Escarole soup, they will have their non-Kosher and gluten-ful Escarole soup, then we'll have prime rib and horseradish. Next year, I might opt for a Jewish soup that is already gluten-free and kosher.
Ironically, I remember celebrating Chanukah as a child for a few years. I liked what I saw my friends do and my parents were opened to it. Mom made the meal and we had a great time. So, maybe they're not against it, but I feel bad for some reason. I left the Catholic faith when I was 11. I told dad and Nan that I didn't really believe in it and I wanted to find my own path. Both said, "that's fine. It is your life and you need to explore what makes you happy and what you believe in." Maybe I'm lucky in that sense, even as a child, they let me make some of my own decisions.
Mom is a narcissist and we don't get along. While she is more opened to Judaism than she is Islam and Catholicism, sometimes I just over compensate because I just want to be accepted. Funny enough, my Jewish groups told me, "your DNA doesn't matter. You are welcomed here and you are part of us just because your spirit is with us." Maybe that's how I will start thinking of things too.
I don't know dad's birth background and that's okay. Mom mentioned that her grandparents adopted her mom from a family friend. I guess their daughter got pregnant or the friend herself got pregnant, was either unmarried or mom-mom was just unwanted and mom-mom's adopted family wanted her. Mom-mom had severe depression, was an alcoholic and cancer claimed her life at age 57. I get very depressed too.
Who knows, maybe dad does know his background and is just grateful for what he has. He started his career in domestic relations, sometimes in child and youth, so I know he's seen a lot of things. Maybe dad doesn't know and that could be why he doesn't want to find out. Nan and her husband raised dad, he has a wonderful life and he's grateful for that. I was very close to Nan and considered her like my mom. I was devastated when she died and next month will be 8 years and I'm still depressed about it. That's partly the reason why I don't think I want to look either. I was lucky to have Nan and she accepted me as an individual with her own life. I don't think I want to replace it either.
Feeling better. The truth is, Nan always accepted me for who I was and often wanted me to find the path that makes the most sense to me. My dad feels that way and so does other family.
I hated the tradition I was raised in and I feel bad about it. Sometimes I like to say, "this is soooo much better" and act that way hoping it'll make me feel better. It doesn't. My family accepts things, but when I make this journey, will I be accepted by a new group? Can all the groups in my life coexist?
I was feeling angry yesterday. We're not Italian and sometimes I just wish dad would admit it. He was raised by an Italian family, but we are not Italian. Dad also has no interest in finding his birth parents, and I'm interested, but don't want to hurt his feelings.
You can find out who his parents were on your own. You absolutely deserve to know your true heritage.
Is there anyway I can do it without his knowledge? I still live with them, but I want to know my heritage.
Send me a message and I can tell you how to get started. I’ve found birth parents for several people. I enjoy using my knowledge to help.
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