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Being an individual is important but so is being part of something larger than ones self. A family.
By this logic, kids adopted or not, should all just choose their own names! Hey why not!
Actually, when I was young, I had a few schoolfriends from Hong Kong and Malaysia and they did choose their own English names.
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Where I am adopting the children's parents have been deprived of parental rights. In other words, they have been severely abused and neglected.
They know that the parent is unsafe and they want to be adopted. They have friends who have gone before them. They know that at the very least, in almost every case the name is modified. Many people use the first name as the middle name.
Still, it is up to them to decide whether they want their name changed. If they do, you can guide them but it should ultimately be up to them what name they chose.
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Frequently the children are happy to shed a name associated with sadness and abuse. Sadly, some children do not even want to retain the language of their birth. I hope that will not be the case.
While staying at my home, almost ALL of the children wanted American names. Many told me, through a translator, of the abuse they suffered, ranging from beatings to forced prostitution.
These children want to be adopted.
Though many of them will have parents that are abusive, some might have other relatives they care for (eg grandparents, siblings, half siblings/cousins). Would you refuse contact with them if that were the case?
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If they do not wish to be adopted, and all that adoption entails, in their country they have the right to refuse adoption. (if the are over ten) Sadly, some entertain fantasies that their parents will reform and come for them. That's the tragedy. Not a name change.
I would never try to adopt a child like that.
Presumably, you have made it quite clear to the children you plan to adopt what your expectations are of them.
Being an individual is important but so is being part of something larger than ones self. A family.
By this logic, kids adopted or not, should all just choose their own names! Hey why not!
We're not talking about kids picking their names. We're talking about kids retaining the names they already have and are part of who they are. They shouldn't have to become someone else to fit into your family the way you want it.
It's also a bg difference what kids say and feel when they come for a visit when everything is fun and new and you can even have a cool, exotic American name from what it's like when you're on the other side of the planet living with strangers who want you to conform and meet all their expectations and it's permanent. Holding onto things that are familiar and dear to you, like your name, may become much more important.
You may of course be correct that these kids are dying to be named Ashley or Kevin and will want to have a new name. If so that's great. You'll want the same thing. I just have a problem requiring it if that's not something the kid wants.
You seem to think it's okay to change the name because bad people picked it but the name really has nothing to do with the parents. You wouldn't keep the name out of some respect for the parents but out of respect for the child. Who originally picked the name is really irrelevant. It's now who they are.
If the kid had blond hair but you prefer brown hair like yours would you require the kid to dye her hair to fit in better with the family? Or what if you all wear blue jeans but this kid prefers to wear skirts, would you make her change that too in order to fit smoothly into the family unit? Why is the kid the only one who has to change who she is? Heck, why don't the rest of the family change their names to suitable Russian names instead to make the names more harmonious in nature? Or do you think it would be unfair and a difficult adjustment for your existing children?
Yes. I think that it's OK to name one's own children. That would be accurate.
The stuff about changing a child's hair color is just strange.
Why wouldn't we all change our names to Russian names? Liz, please don't be obtuse. We live in the Ohio, and not Odessa. The children will be naturalized United States citizens.They will be moving to our home.
Similarly, we all did not assume Koran monikers after adopting our daughter seventeen years ago. Please.
susankate you know my stance. Why do you persist? It's a closed adoption. You know that.
In Ukraine, if there was a relative who loved them and wanted them, (or, sadly; to whom they could be of service) they would be living with that relative, not in a state home.
My grandson is 2 1/2. He would easily accept a name change. Like the other poster suggested, call her by her name now mixed with the new name and then eventually drop her current name. If it works better for you, in the long run, it will probably work better for her as well. She is beginning a new life.
I repped you, but wanted to say again how wonderful it is to you make a family for this little innocent girl who deserves all the love you are willing to give her.
That's a good solution! It is a new life, and with it comes a new name! Children this age are flexible. I agree, and it is better in the long run.
That's a good solution! It is a new life, and with it comes a new name! Children this age are flexible. I agree, and it is better in the long run.
Children are flexible and you make a good point. I'm happy that we kept their names more or less intact but that was or personal decision and as I stated before, our kids' names were almost identical so it was confusing and that is why we made a few mods to begin with. My daughter was on the older side (almost 4) and she is still known by her Russian nickname at home and amongst close friends and family. My nickname is no where near my real name as well. I've always have been called by the nickname.
One aside. I love Russian names and my husband and I would have had a knock down drag out fight over our son's name if it was something like Sergei which I love and would have loved to keep but he probably would have wanted to change. My favorite name in the world is a very old fashioned Swedish name....Ingvar. I don't think my son would have appreciated a very old fashioned name like and probably would have killed me later later, lol.....glad we stuck with the Russian one...
Just because a 2 year old is flexible, or you can re-name an infant before they even remember the original, or an older adoptee will comply for reasons other than their own desires, does not mean APs should take advantage of that. There is the potential that the adoptee can be hurt or feel disrespected by this decision, or like they had to become someone they are not to fit in or be accepted by their new family, etc. No, not all adoptees feel that way -- but many do.
IMO the desire for a parent to pick out a new name is not worth the risk that the adoptee may be negatively impacted by that decision. It shouldn't hurt the parent to accept the child as they came to them.
Being re-named against your wishes or without your input is not the same as being named for the first time or picking out a new name that you want to go by.
Last edited by thethreefoldme; 04-25-2013 at 07:36 AM..
Just because a 2 year old is flexible, or you can re-name an infant before they even remember the original, or an older adoptee will comply for reasons other than their own desires, does not mean APs should take advantage of that. There is the potential that the adoptee can be hurt or feel disrespected by this decision, or like they had to become someone they are not to fit in or be accepted by their new family, etc. No, not all adoptees feel that way -- but many do.
IMO the desire for a parent to pick out a new name is not worth the risk that the adoptee may be negatively impacted by that decision. It shouldn't hurt the parent to accept the child as they came to them.
Being re-named against your wishes or without your input is not the same as being named for the first time or picking out a new name that you want to go by.
I'm a bit unclear on your post. Are you against renaming of all adoptees or just older children? Personally, I wouldn't rename a much older adoptee like a teen unless they consented or asked for an American name in the case of a foreign adoption.
If you are talking about renaming any adoptee, I guess that we will all have to agree to disagree on this one then threefold. Perhaps the adoptee will feel resentful later in life and thankfully, can have the option to revert back to their birthfamily name when they become an adult if they indeed feel disrespected. Or perhaps the adoptee won't think it is a big deal at all and take it all in stride. My son's middle name is my father's name and was changed from from the original. If an adoptive family has other naming traditions, so be it. The child is part of a new family. We chose to honor some of our family traditions in giving my son his middle name. My daughter's first name has some tradition as well. They are part of our family.
Again, we can agree to disagree on this one. If the adoptee feels hurt and resentment towards their adoptive family, I bet you that there are other issues as well.
Just because a 2 year old is flexible, or you can re-name an infant before they even remember the original, or an older adoptee will comply for reasons other than their own desires, does not mean APs should take advantage of that. There is the potential that the adoptee can be hurt or feel disrespected by this decision, or like they had to become someone they are not to fit in or be accepted by their new family, etc. No, not all adoptees feel that way -- but many do.
IMO the desire for a parent to pick out a new name is not worth the risk that the adoptee may be negatively impacted by that decision. It shouldn't hurt the parent to accept the child as they came to them.
Being re-named against your wishes or without your input is not the same as being named for the first time or picking out a new name that you want to go by.
Well it isn't up to you. It's a family choice. We accept the "child" as the child is. The name was conferred not by nature or God, but by former parents".
It's a mutable factor, not an intrinsic one. A child is not born with a name.
Also, you label your self as an "adoptee". That is your choice. Many people prefer person, son, daughter and just get on with life.
As I type the term "adoptee", my computer rejects the word.
Frankly, I think it's archaic. Kind of like "divorcee". Most people today just mention, "I was divorced", in a rather casual way, rather than label themselves as a "divorcee".
Similarly, most adopted people who are happy, love their parents, and generally living a life that is free of attachment just say "I was adopted".
Older children who were adopted from Eastern Europe know what happens when they turn eighteen. They are put on the street.
They have seen it happen. I have seen it happen. The sad parade of boys in outdated suits and girls in the cast off prom dresses of privileged American teens, receiving their "Diplome", eating cake, and saying tearful good byes to the Mamas of the orphanage.
After that there is a line fancy cars outside the orphanage waiting to take the sixteen year olds out to dinner. The drivers are pimps and drug dealers.
I think the question of a name change, a religion change, adhering to the rules of family life - as well as reaping it's rich benefits becomes a "non question" when put in this context; and it's a topic that is better left to the office of a therapist.
Well it isn't up to you. It's a family choice. We accept the "child" as the child is. The name was conferred not by nature or God, but by former parents".
It's a mutable factor, not an intrinsic one. A child is not born with a name.
Also, you label your self as an "adoptee". That is your choice. Many people prefer person, son, daughter and just get on with life.
As I type the term "adoptee", my computer rejects the word.
Frankly, I think it's archaic. Kind of like "divorcee". Most people today just mention, "I was divorced", in a rather casual way, rather than label themselves as a "divorcee".
Similarly, most adopted people who are happy, love their parents, and generally living a life that is free of attachment just say "I was adopted".
Older children who were adopted from Eastern Europe know what happens when they turn eighteen. They are put on the street.
They have seen it happen. I have seen it happen. The sad parade of boys in outdated suits and girls in the cast off prom dresses of privileged American teens, receiving their "Diplome", eating cake, and saying tearful good byes to the Mamas of the orphanage.
After that there is a line fancy cars outside the orphanage waiting to take the sixteen year olds out to dinner. The drivers are pimps and drug dealers.
I think the question of a name change, a religion change, adhering to the rules of family life - as well as reaping it's rich benefits becomes a "non question" when put in this context; and it's a topic that is better left to the office of a therapist.
I already give you rep but give you a thousand virtual reps for this post. Really well said.
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