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I wish you much good luck with the social worker. Tell them you cannot bring him home, that way they may look for more options. Dealing with a wheelchair bound person needs a lot of work & time,. Getting in & out of bed, then the shower, & toilet uses, etc, so I don't think you & brother would be around all day for those. Plus cooking meals. I honestly think a facility will be better for everyone until & if he can walk again.
Thank you, I appreciate it. You've been very kind and helpful.
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Originally Posted by FrancaisDeutsch
Thank you for asking me.
She had two massive seizures and ended up in the hospital. She suddenly got staph in her lungs. They gave her a strong course of IV vancomycin for 12 or 14 days. They said it cleared up a week later. All of sudden, she comes down with c-diff colitis. They try giving her 2 different antibiotics, but her colon became megatoxic (most severe form of colitis). A few days later, she contracted full-blown sepsis and died 2-3 days later. It was all very fast.
Her emotional mind was pretty much gone before the seizures; but after them, she was completely delusional. She had even more brain damage from the seizures, they said. Her mind was too far gone to have a good life anymore. It was game over. Had she continue to live, her life quality would been terrible, even though she wasn't in any pain.
I wish you and your father all the best. Strokes are very devastating for most people.
I know we all have to go through the loss of loved ones at some point and none of us are getting off this planet alive, but oh man, when that time comes with my father I am going to be absolutely wrecked. I remember when I got the call that he was being rushed to the ER, I felt frozen, like time had stopped, and I couldn't breath. Felt so helpless being a state away until I was able to fly out there the next day. I remember praying to God, to take me instead.
I honestly cannot even grasp what your mother must have gone through. I can only imagine how much it hurt you to watch. You have my massive condolences. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, I appreciate it. You've been very kind and helpful.
I know we all have to go through the loss of loved ones at some point and none of us are getting off this planet alive, but oh man, when that time comes with my father I am going to be absolutely wrecked. I remember when I got the call that he was being rushed to the ER, I felt frozen, like time had stopped, and I couldn't breath. Felt so helpless being a state away until I was able to fly out there the next day. I remember praying to God, to take me instead.
I honestly cannot even grasp what your mother must have gone through. I can only imagine how much it hurt you to watch. You have my massive condolences. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for you condolences. It is comforting.
Honestly, I thought I was ready for it all because we lost our mother after she had her stroke, as she was never the same person anymore, despite making an excellent physical recovery. Even though her memory, speech, most cognitive functions intact, she was emotionally very unstable and just not "herself."
It's been six months, and I feel worse than ever. I think it takes 6 or 8 months for the reality to sink in. For the first 5 months, I was still in a shock and denial phase. Now, the reality of it all is sinking in. I don't have the buffering of the shock and denial as much anymore, as it is fading more and more over time.
It does comfort me a little to know that my mother was never coming back to the woman she was before her stroke -- not even close. She suffered terribly on a mental level, and nothing we could do was going to change that. Sepsis or not, her future was just more suffering, being totally dependent on me and Dad. She had no quality of life, because her apathy, OCD, and overall mental state would not allow her. Sometimes, you cannot get better in life. It is something that people don't understand in life. You can only accept.
Most people die between 70-80. Even when someone is 85 or 90, people talk sometimes as if they're going to go on living for 25 more years or so, especially if they are healthier and have their minds. We deny death and old age. I had a great aunt who lived to almost 101, but she still died.
Thank you so much for you condolences. It is comforting.
Honestly, I thought I was ready for it all because we lost our mother after she had her stroke, as she was never the same person anymore, despite making an excellent physical recovery. Even though her memory, speech, most cognitive functions intact, she was emotionally very unstable and just not "herself."
It's been six months, and I feel worse than ever. I think it takes 6 or 8 months for the reality to sink in. For the first 5 months, I was still in a shock and denial phase. Now, the reality of it all is sinking in. I don't have the buffering of the shock and denial as much anymore, as it is fading more and more over time.
It does comfort me a little to know that my mother was never coming back to the woman she was before her stroke -- not even close. She suffered terribly on a mental level, and nothing we could do was going to change that. Sepsis or not, her future was just more suffering, being totally dependent on me and Dad. She had no quality of life, because her apathy, OCD, and overall mental state would not allow her. Sometimes, you cannot get better in life. It is something that people don't understand in life. You can only accept.
Most people die between 70-80. Even when someone is 85 or 90, people talk sometimes as if they're going to go on living for 25 more years or so, especially if they are healthier and have their minds. We deny death and old age. I had a great aunt who lived to almost 101, but she still died.
I appreciate your words.
It's for sure one of those things where it's so much harder when you're actually living it than when you think about it. Losing a parent is one of those life events that is universally accepted as one of the hardest things to go through. And you never realize just how hard it is until you actually experience it.
My mother suffered and survived through a drug addiction and breast cancer, I thought at the time my mental will was being tested and I had collapsed mentally to the point I was mentally checked out to such a degree that I had a nervous breakdown.
Losing a parent is like losing a piece of yourself. They are the ones who have known you the longest and have been there for you through everything. It's like losing a part of your identity.
I think you're right about people not wanting to accept death and old age. We always want more time with our loved ones, and it's hard to imagine life without them. I am SO THANKFUL for having my parents for as long as I have, even with all the strife, I know there are many others that are not so lucky. Heck, my father lost his father when he was just a kid and my mother lost both her parents within a few years of each other when she was in her late teens into her early twenties.
Please know that you're not alone in your grief. Many of us have been through or are currently going through similar experiences. I can't say I will handle it 100% well. I already know this. I am trying to prepare for a tough road. We just have to take it one day at a time and allow ourselves to feel all the emotions that come with loss. We will survive and eventually find peace.
Take care of yourself and know that your mother will always be with you in your heart and memories.
It's for sure one of those things where it's so much harder when you're actually living it than when you think about it. Losing a parent is one of those life events that is universally accepted as one of the hardest things to go through. And you never realize just how hard it is until you actually experience it.
My mother suffered and survived through a drug addiction and breast cancer, I thought at the time my mental will was being tested and I had collapsed mentally to the point I was mentally checked out to such a degree that I had a nervous breakdown.
Losing a parent is like losing a piece of yourself. They are the ones who have known you the longest and have been there for you through everything. It's like losing a part of your identity.
I think you're right about people not wanting to accept death and old age. We always want more time with our loved ones, and it's hard to imagine life without them. I am SO THANKFUL for having my parents for as long as I have, even with all the strife, I know there are many others that are not so lucky. Heck, my father lost his father when he was just a kid and my mother lost both her parents within a few years of each other when she was in her late teens into her early twenties.
Please know that you're not alone in your grief. Many of us have been through or are currently going through similar experiences. I can't say I will handle it 100% well. I already know this. I am trying to prepare for a tough road. We just have to take it one day at a time and allow ourselves to feel all the emotions that come with loss. We will survive and eventually find peace.
Take care of yourself and know that your mother will always be with you in your heart and memories.
Your words are most comforting. I am very grateful for your warm-heartedness and compassion.
i sincerely wish you the best with your father. It's not easy, the road to recovery in post-stroke life.
My mother couldn't handle the mental effects of her brain bleed. Strokes are complex; sometimes people get better, and then they regress; sometimes they recover rather well mentally, but are left with terrible physical disabilities. You just never know what you are going to get with a stroke, if you survive it.
You are right: you must feel all the emotions of loss to be able to start to heal. Running away from terrible feelings will only lead to greater suffering.
Let us know what happens, and take good care of yourself in these very difficult times. That's key. You don't want have a second nervous breakdown.
Your words are most comforting. I am very grateful for your warm-heartedness and compassion.
i sincerely wish you the best with your father. It's not easy, the road to recovery in post-stroke life.
My mother couldn't handle the mental effects of her brain bleed. Strokes are complex; sometimes people get better, and then they regress; sometimes they recover rather well mentally, but are left with terrible physical disabilities. You just never know what you are going to get with a stroke, if you survive it.
You are right: you must feel all the emotions of loss to be able to start to heal. Running away from terrible feelings will only lead to greater suffering.
Let us know what happens, and take good care of yourself in these very difficult times. That's key. You don't want have a second nervous breakdown.
You have much to consider. My much-older spouse has been ill for the last five years and here is what I've learned:
If he transfers assets to your name, it has to be for five years prior to needing financial help for LTC (long-term care). If you think he's got five years, it might make sense to think about it.
If he has no assets, Medicaid will pay but I don't know how much. If he is on Medicare, they may pay up to 100 days in a facility if discharged directly from a hospital.
You may want to start looking into facilities. He may be too ill to qualify for some of them and if he does, it is bound to be way expensive. My brother's MIL is paying out $12k per month for her care in a nursing home in NY State. Here in Oregon it would cost about $10k for my spouse who requires caregiving.
Hiring a caregiver 24/7 will be very expensive. If he is indigent (no assets) Medicaid may pay for that.
You have much to consider. My much-older spouse has been ill for the last five years and here is what I've learned:
If he transfers assets to your name, it has to be for five years prior to needing financial help for LTC (long-term care). If you think he's got five years, it might make sense to think about it.
If he has no assets, Medicaid will pay but I don't know how much. If he is on Medicare, they may pay up to 100 days in a facility if discharged directly from a hospital.
You may want to start looking into facilities. He may be too ill to qualify for some of them and if he does, it is bound to be way expensive. My brother's MIL is paying out $12k per month for her care in a nursing home in NY State. Here in Oregon it would cost about $10k for my spouse who requires caregiving.
Hiring a caregiver 24/7 will be very expensive. If he is indigent (no assets) Medicaid may pay for that.
Here's wishing you well!
Thanks, this is super helpful!
Ideally, multiple people listed as owners of an investment property. Where it's myself and his other daughter and our brother. My sister volunteered to have it put in her name but I think it's better protected if we put it in multiple names. I'm really hoping that he pulls through. His uncle had a stroke in their 70s, and he is happy and thriving now in his 90s. He says he eats a lot of fish. My uncle also had a stroke a little while ago and he is doing fairly well.
This site is absolutely amazing, by the way. I can't even begin to put into words how much this has helped me.
I'll provide my sister with this information as we're both trying to work out solutions to what happens next after he's discharged from sub-acute skilled nursing and rehabilitation in three weeks.
It's ridiculous just how expensive these long term in home healthcare facilities are. Or even assisted living or nursing homes.
His investment property isn't much to begin with and if he is successful in selling it to cover those costs at most he would be able to afford 1, maybe 2 years.
I know my Dad would be most happiest living at home. But he'll require in home healthcare (basically nurse care) to attend to him once he's discharged in three weeks.
He loves where he is, and unless I move there into my own separate residence it's going to be an uphill battle.
A lot to think over, but a lot of options and unknowns. Just taking it one day at a time now and hoping that he makes significant improvements.
So I am back from my trip to Arizona. And I have to say, the trip probably did me in.
We were there to transport my father from intensive rehabilitation to a sub-acute facility. As they were giving him speech therapy and I was there with him, he fainted. He regained but then fainted again so we had to rush him to the ER.
They believe he was dehydrated and his heart rate kept spiking sporadically, we also discovered that he had a bleeding peptic ulcer. He is back at the sub-acute facility after stabilizing but holy crap, I couldn't handle it.
I had to leave at one point because, well, I suffer from Panic Disorder and PTSD and I could not calm myself down for hours at one point. I felt bad leaving Dad but my sister was there. Him seeing me that way I knew would not help the situation and I had to dig into my coping skills by limiting myself to it to get through it.
It's funny because here I am thinking I am the strong one, my sister for the past three years has abandoned everyone only until recently, she drinks throughout the day, marijuana, and ketamine. This has been going on for three years now. I don't normally drink but I did break down and poured myself some wine.
So, who's the 'strong' one now?
I have to say, I am so traumatized right now it's not even funny. During all this, my sister said to me, she has faith in God that my Dad is going to get through this. I in turn said, "Sis, I don't know that he is. I consider myself spiritual but I tend to think that it's not in our hands who lives and dies. I think it's up to our higher power."
I really hate feeling that way but I don't know what else to put forth there. She said, that I am not spiritually enlightened and that she is, and that she wants to talk to me about "my faith." I admit, I almost lost it on her at that point, and I said, "I rather not with you right now."
After the fainting incidents, and my Dad recovered, the Dr comes in and says that they are moving Dad back to the sub-acute facility and all he needs is to make sure he's hydrated and he's on his medications.
I don't know what to say. I am in therapy and looking into some caregiver support groups and I asked my doctor for something to help with my nerves so they prescribed me an Antihistamine so I could stop having panic attacks and remember that Dad will pull through. It makes me so sleepy which sucks. But it's better then when I came back, any little noise startled me and my mind starts caughing up images so egregious.
Overall, the trip was intense but I am hoping with the support I am getting, I can get through it. I am trying to find ways to relax and take care of myself but it's difficult when everything feels so out of control. I know I need to take care of myself in order to be able to support and take care of my Dad. I also met with a wellness coach for support and guidance on how to put self care at the forefront. So, I am hopeful that things will get easier and I can find some peace amidst all the chaos.
Going to the airport was not fun. My bus broke down in the middle of the night, the airplane before take off filled with the most putrid smell of burned fuel and my uber ride back to the airport I thought was going to kill me (the driver was an ex cartel member, but he turned out to be really nice at the end and even prayed with me. So that was kind of nice but seriously, ahh!).
I am trying to stay positive and focus on taking care of myself so I can be there for my Dad.
It's not easy and I have my ups and downs, but I know I will get through it. And if you are going through a similar situation, just know that it's okay to take care of yourself first. You are no good to anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself. Keep pushing and stay strong, things will get easier.
I am trying to stay positive and focus on taking care of myself so I can be there for my Dad.
It's not easy and I have my ups and downs, but I know I will get through it. And if you are going through a similar situation, just know that it's okay to take care of yourself first. You are no good to anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself. Keep pushing and stay strong, things will get easier.
The journey of caring for one's elders is about as easy as a kayak paddle over Niagara Falls. It's always changing, fraught with stress to the nth degree, and typically far more different and outside our comfort zone than anything we've encountered. I applaud you for making self-care a priority!!
Your sister and you may have different spiritual beliefs, but that doesn't make yours wrong or less than hers. Whatever sustains her is fine, but your needs/views are different, and that's okay. That's exactly what I would tell her, too.
It's really hard and really stressful. As much as possible, I have learned to try to let my siblings have their own reactions and their own beliefs, since there has been much conflict in that department. But it is so hard when they are trying to impose them on you. I try to just change the subject. Hang in there.
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